I just got the call from the school I work at. My dd's 2nd grade teacher, who is also my friend, was killed this morning in a car accident. They have not told the kids yet and are leavign it to the parents. Grief counselors will be on site tomorrow. I have 30 minutes to pull myself together on this and find a way to explain it to her. PLEASE HELP ME!

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 02:06 pm:

OMG, I'm so sorry! I have NO clue how to explain the death of a teacher to a child. I'm quite frankly surprised the school is totally leaving it to the parents.

I guess you could tell her that Mrs. X was in a bad accident and hurt very badly, and even though the doctors tried very hard to help her, she was hurt too badly and has passed away. If you are religious, you can tell her she has gone on to heaven. I'm sorry, I'm not much help here. Hopefully someone else can give some good advice.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}

By Monicamomof3 on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 02:14 pm:

(((((hugs and more hugs)))))

praying for you and everyone!

By Sunny on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 02:14 pm:

I agree with Karen's advice. I would tell her that you have some sad news. Her teacher was in a car accident and she was hurt really bad and died. I'd let her take it from there and ask as many questions as she wants.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

By Colette on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 02:15 pm:

I think the school just found out. The principal was a basketcase as well. The grief counselors will be there tomorrow, but dh and I need to tell her tonight.. This is a child who greatly fears people she loves dying. I am so devastated.

By Melanie on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 02:22 pm:

Oh my gosh, how horrible. I am so very sorry. (((HUGS))) I also agree with Karen. Follow your daughter's lead and do the best you can. There is no right way to do this. I am so sorry.

By Happynerdmom on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 02:24 pm:

{{{Colette}}} Yes, just be as honest as possible with her, and answer her questions as best you can. I'm so sorry...it will be very difficult for everyone. Prayers and hugs.

By Juli4 on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 02:25 pm:

Honestly is the best way. I would tell her that her teacher was in an accident and died. I don't know how much she knows, but you might need to explain that she will not be here anymore and tell her that it is ok to be sad. In the coming days keep the line of communication open and let her talk as much as she wants. Tell her it is ok to be sad and let her feel her feelings. This is all apart of life no matter how hard it is and this along with all other experiences will prepare her for life as an adult. Do your best and be honest.

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 02:30 pm:

I'm sorry. When my daughter was in 2nd grade, one of the 2nd grade teachers died of cancer. I think they talked to the kids at school, though. I would explain it honestly and try to answer her questions as best you can.

By Kathy on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 02:39 pm:

I agree with everyone. I recently had a similar situation with my second grader. One of her friends in her class died in a car accident...it was just a few months ago. I just explained to DD that her friend was in an accident and had died. DD was devastated. I don't think a day has gone by since the accident where she doesn't talk about her friend. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

By Frasersmama on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 02:57 pm:

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. Remember as you tell your dd that it is ok for her to be sad, it is also ok for you to be sad. She will be watching you to learn how to grieve.

{{{hugs}}} to you and dd at a difficult time. Don't we all wish we could protect them from this forever?

By Colette on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 03:06 pm:

Thanks, dh is on his way home now and we will talk to her together.

By Bemerry84 on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 03:08 pm:

{{{{{COLETTE}}}}} You have my deepest sympathy and prayers. It was one year ago today that I lost my very best friend very suddenly from a pulmonary embolism and I too have young children. Your DD is almost the same age as my DS and like everyone has said be honest and answer all her questions, which will be many and please don't hide your emotions, it helps them to see that you are sad too. My DS thinks of her as an Angel!!!! If she has never been to a funeral home before I suggest you take her. For some reason this helped my DS realize what death means, but that their memory will last forever.

By Kaye on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 03:20 pm:

Good advice here. You have to tell her, you need to be honest. But you need to let her take the lead from there. Some kids have a lot of questions, some don't. Just be there for her. Don't be afraid to let her see you cry. We have had several deaths in our family. My dd takes them very hard, but my son's don't. There are days that I still cry, and I have told my children that we each deal with grief in our own way and there is no right way, just because I am crying and sad, doesn't mean they have to be.

I was suprised at some of the questions and fears that arose. My son wanted specifics, like what happens to the body, what exactly caused death. My dd fears anytime someone gets sick. I found out the first time I need to be very clear, state she was in an unusually bad car wreck. In 2nd grade they don't rate car wrecks, so if your hubby gets in a fender bender she might worry that he will die later. Good luck, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Is she still in school?

By Trina~moderator on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 03:23 pm:

Oh Colette, I'm so sorry. I can't add anything that hasn't already been said but wanted to send {{{HUGS}}} and prayers. How terribly sudden and tragic.

By Heaventree on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 03:38 pm:

Colette, I'm so very sorry for your loss. {{{HUGS}}}.

By Reds9298 on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 04:50 pm:

I agree that you should just be as honest as possible. I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. There is a WONDERFUL children's book about death called Badger's Parting Gifts, I can't think of the author. It talks about how someone may not be with us anymore, but we can always remember what they contributed to us and in that way ease our grieving. I'm sure you can find it on amazon.
(((Hugs)))

By Bellajoe on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 05:00 pm:

I'm so sorry for your and dd's loss. Gosh, that is so sad. Just tell her the truth and be there for her.

((hugs)) I am so sorry.

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 05:01 pm:

There is also one called Butterflies: Talking With Children About Death... and Life Eternal by P. William, Rev Vanderwyden

Water Bugs & Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children (Looking Up) -- by Doris Stickney

Helping Children Cope with Death
by The Dougy Center for Grieving Children

Good Grief: Exploring Feelings, Loss and Death With Under Elevens and Adults : A Holistic Approach by Barbara Ward

Badger's Parting Gifts -- by Susan Varley

Sad Isn't Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing With Loss (Elf-Help Books for Kids) -- by Michaelene Mundy

You can find them all on Amazon.

By Tink on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 05:08 pm:

I just wanted to pass on my {{{hugs}}} to you and your dd in your time of grief. It's a terrible thing to have to explain to someone your dd's age. I would be heartbroken to explain it to my dd, who's also in 2nd grade and you also have to deal with your own grief. May peace be with you and your dd.

By Emily7 on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 05:13 pm:

My thoughts & prayers are going out to you, your family & the family of your friend

By Amecmom on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 06:08 pm:

Colette, I am so sorry this has happened. Ditto the others who say just to be honest. My prayers and thoughts are with you and all the families who have been touched by this tragedy.
Ame

By Cat on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 06:15 pm:

Major hugs to you and your dd. I was very close to my youngest's 2nd grade teacher and couldn't imagine something like that happening. Prayers for the family and everyone touched by this.

By Colette on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 06:32 pm:

thanks again, everyone. Dh lost his brother, suddenly, violently, when dh was 11, so he did a really great job of explaining it to her and telling her how he felt when it happened to him. Plus I was basically a basket case so it was great that he was here for this. DD opted to shut the whole thing out and asked if it would be ok if she went upstairs and slammed her door and then came downstairs to ignore everyone and play a computer game. Every now and then, I get a ••• and a question...Is there a pill you can give me to make me less sad?, will she (dd) die the same way Vincent Van Gogh's brother died (of a broken heart - this teacher was Big into the impressionists and taught the kids all about them), did I think the teacher will be able to be an angel, even though she wears a ton of makeup?, who's going to take care of the teacher's cat? Etc. etc. I think tonight, when she goes to bed - she's sleeping in our room tonight - it will really hit her. Up until a few months ago, she was really obsessed with me dieing. It took a really long time for me to convince her that I would always be with her, even when I die, but I am afraid this is going to set her way back again.

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 06:49 pm:

Colette, I assume the word that got bleeped out was s o b - the profanity filter automatically bleeps it out for obvious reasons. Sorry.

Poor thing, I'm glad your DH was able to talk to her though. Death is hard to accept, especially for a child, and you are right, it opens up fears that SHE will lose YOU too.

Hang in there.......

{{{{{{{{{MORE HUGS}}}}}}}

By Eve on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 08:24 pm:

Oh, poor thing! ((HUG)) It sounds like you handled it well. You have some great advice above. I would only add to use this time to explain your beliefs about what happens when people die. My Dr. gave me some wonderful advice for my DD, to really talk with her, and especially to take her to the funeral. Now, my DD and I have some really wonderful conversations about death and Heaven and God. I hope you all find some peace this evening. ((Another HUG))

By Bobbie~moderatr on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 10:44 pm:

Hugs to you all!!

By Katherine on Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - 11:58 pm:

My son's teacher got killed in a car accident on her way to school one day. Her name happened to be "Angel", so I explained to him that I feel that she gets to be a real Angel now. Our family believes that death is just like birth and you are moving on to the next phase of your eternal life. This teacher must be very special to be taken at a young age to go and continue her life's work, which are special responsibilities given to those who live with God in that wonderful place called heaven. Dying sounds like a very bad word, but, remember our souls are forever and she has somewhere else she needs to be and other things to be doing. Maybe her special gift to teach is needed because as all Christians know, not everyone gets the chance to learn about our Lord on this earth. She may be ministering to those that passed without knowing about Jesus. She could also be someone's guardian Angel.

I know your daughter will cry because she will miss her, but try to help her understand that death is only like moving to a much better, more beautiful place.

Hope this helps.........Great big hugs to you all!

By Insaneusmcwife on Thursday, June 9, 2005 - 12:46 am:

{{{Hugs}}}

By Kernkate on Thursday, June 9, 2005 - 07:33 am:

{{{Colette and family}}} Sounds like you and you DH handled the explaining well.
I have found after the death of my step-son with my kids to be honest and answer their questions.
My DS who was 8 when his 1/2 brother died took it extremely hard and had to go for counseling. There is not a day that goes by that he doesn't mention Josh, but as the counselor said be honest to them, listen to what they are saying, ask them what they are thinking.
When we are outside at night and my kids see stars they say that it is there loved ones who have passed away looking down on them. Seems to ease their pain a bit.
Hope you DD is ok today.

By Tink on Thursday, June 9, 2005 - 12:03 pm:

Colette, how is your dd today? I hope that both of you are doing as well as you can be, given the circumstances. Many hugs to both of you.