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Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive June 2005: Why is it such a big deal(sex related question)
Ok, Im going ANON, just because Im not always comfortable talking about this.
Yeah..it really IS a big deal. Women generally need conversation and affection to feel loved. Men need sex. It is not that he is a sex-craved maniac or just wants you for purely physical reasons (although the physical release is certainly part of it), but sex with you, his wife, if how he feels loved, validated, respected, and cherished. It really is so important to guys.
Ditto, Pam.
My first reaction is "are you serious?" Sex is part of marraige whether or not you are "interested" shouldn't really matter, just need to be willing, and if you are willing often enough you may find you actually enjoy it
My first reaction is "are you serious?" Sex is part of marraige whether or not you are "interested" shouldn't really matter, just need to be willing, and if you are willing often enough you may find you actually enjoy it
Anon... I've BTDT. Stress, sicknesses, schedules, it all affects sex. We're having a hard time with intimacy right now. I'm like you, I couldn't care less right now. I do think it's important, but sometimes it's not easy. (((Hugs)))
I ditto Pamt and Kym.I personally am a huge fan of sex!
The shoe is on the other foot at our place, and I can tell you that it is a very big deal.
To echo the others... Yes, it is a big deal. Men equate sexual rejection to "I don't love you." Of course that's not true but that's how they see it. I agree with everything said above but also wanted to add that perhaps your DH's approach and/or timing is a turn off to you. Have a heart-to-heart chat with him and work these issues out together. For example, tell him you'd be more in the mood if he were more romantic and showed affection. DH and I went through a period like this. I compared myself to a crockpot and DH to a microwave. DH is ready and willing quickly but I need time to warm up. LOL! We work together and meet somewhere in the middle OR alternate approaches (crockpot vs. microwave) to keep both sides happy.
We need to get to the store to buy more foam! We keep forgetting! LOL! Neither one of us is fixed, so it is a big deal! Maybe tomorrow.
just so you know, you're not alone. i am the same way.
Pam, you mentioned that there are lots of things anon can do to increase her sex drive. Could you elaborate please?
I know for me the longer it has been, the less I really care. But for hubby, it is the opposite. When those times happen I have to make myself just do it. I always end up at least mostly interested
I'm in the same boat as Marcia here. LOL Of course, *our* problem has more to do with medications and physical conditions.
I found this book to be very helpful.
Dh and I have BTDT so I *totally* relate, I can go months with no problems. Of course, our problem stemmed from some past problems that affected our bedroom life so there was a good "excuse". Right now I go through mood swings where for 2 weeks i'll want it and for 2 weeks I could care less about it. But before when we would go weeks at a time without it or where I would force myself to do it and resent him later, I started considering medications to help me. I told my DH if I didn't improve by time my next physical came around, I would ask about it. Thank God i'm somewhat cured, it *really* was the cause of A LOT of our disagreements because of the stress and build up.
Oprah's show for tomorrow seems to fit right in with this topic.
Happens every 3rd day at our house. Without fail or my dh becomes this annoying stalker type fellow lurking in the shadows or he just becomes grouchy. I'd rather have the stalker than the grouchy, whiney, baby flopping from side to side huffing and puffing and sighing on the other side of the bed. Like my dh says (in a joking way) 'It'll just take a minute and all you have to do is lie there, you dont even have to do anything' ROFL!!! He should be a sex therapist with great advice like that. I think he missed his calling. We're soooo romantic around here.
I think that this is the major hang up. Men want physical sex and often, women want emotional sex probably just as often. Unfortunately men have a tendancy to win in the physical vrs emotional sex battle and that is where all the trouble comes from. Men will still want to if they have a bad day, if they are mad at you or someone else, if they are tired. Women generally are not like that. They dont want to unless the emotional needs are met. They want to be told they are beautiful, that their spouse understands why they are sad, that he occasionally picks up the slack so she can relax. And then there is all the hormonal whammies. So he comes rolling in like capt caveman and if he doesnt get any mr I am so deprived and pitiful, which can really grate on a persons last nerve.
Nope, not at my house. If DH is worried, or had a bad day, sex is the last thing he is interested in. I have to wait until the stressors pass and then finally get some. I'm far less affected by the stressors of the day. DH takes them very much to heart.
I'm with you, Dawn.
Same here Dawn.
My dh has a healthy sex drive, but I am the one who wants it more. If left up to him he would initiate maybee once every week or week in a half. After about 3 or 4 days I get kinda cranky and need that connection. My husband afterwards said that it was like I have a totally different demeanor and personality. I am just in a better mood. It does everyone some good to get some fairly often. Now we are like everyone else and have went a long time for different reasons and it was a very stressful time. We go through seasons kind of.
ANON, Do you think you are somewhat depressed, angry or whatever and that you could losing interest in sex? I know I was going thru some things and it definately effected me that way.
Juli, my DH is like you. He gets miserable to be around if he's not getting some, and the day after we do have sex he's giddy and silly, like he's high on something. It actually drives me crazy, because we're having intimacy issues because of his infidelity (it was a while ago, but still fresh enough to cause trust issues) and I'm still the one who suffers unless I force myself to be intimate. Honestly, the importance men put on sex, considering most want it NO MATTER WHAT, makes me sick. It often feels like my feelings don't matter, getting some is all that matters, and everyone is miserable until he is appeased.
I am sorry about the infidelity. I wish it didn't happen and I am sure he does too. You are brave and strong for sticking with it. I understand what you are saying about not feeling like your feelings matter. I wish mmen would understand that a woman needs to understood and heard before she can start to move on. My dh does not want sex if something is not right. Weird but nice.
Going back to my previous comment, that explains it. You are angry and therefore do not want sex.
Okay well oprah today had a big sex show, i only caught the last 40 minutes, so I am not if it is THE show trina mentioned. However it was great. They talked about going to a sex spa, all these couples seemed really really connected and happy afterwards. They were just almost giddy. I guess they have a book, a do it yourself spa at home. I am a realy PRUDE and it wasn't offensive to me. It was assignments like kiss and think about these things, how does it feel, how does it taste, etc. Very couple, personal, etc, not group sex..LOL. Look on her website for more info. The book was something about a weekend.
One of the anons asked about ways to increase sex drive. Well...in addition to what's already been mentioned:
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