Positive Body Image
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive May 2005:
Positive Body Image
I was reading an article in a magazine today regarding the number of women who have negative body images and how it affects all aspects of their lives.
I suffer from a negative body image. I am 5'7" and weigh 170 pounds. I don't buy new clothes b/c I hate trying on things that I love only to find out once they are on my body they don't look nearly as good as they did on the rack. I don't get my picture taken b/c I think I look ugly.
I was wondering if I am the only one who feels this way here. According to the article there is a growing number of people feeling as I do.
For those of you with a positive body image...have you always had it? If not, how did you get there?
I think I have a fairly positive body image, and NO, I have definitely NOT always had it.
I've always been thin and never had a weight problem except for the first couple of years after Jen was born, but BECAUSE I was tall and thin, I was teased unmercifully when I was in grammer school. I was taller than everyone in the entire school except one other girl and 2 boys.
I was incredibly self conscious because I had no shape, or so *I* thought - and one reason was because my hips were small, and so were my breasts. What I wouldn't give for those small hips now!
When I was in my late teens I started getting comfortable with my body, then after Jen was born I hated the way I looked.
It was up and down for a few years after that, but now, turning 50 this year, I have accepted that I will NEVER again look like a 20 y/o, or a 30 y/o or even a 40 y/o - because I'm NOT - and that *this* is my *middle age body*, and what I have to live with. And aside from needing exercise, I am satisfied with what I look like now.
I think body image problems are SO common and so serious, and *my* opinion is that most women's body image issues stem from childhood and emotions. I know mine did.
I have stopped comparing myself to other women in the body department. Mine will never be perfect, but I am concentrating on it being healthy, not the *perfect* size.
My youngest sister has severe body image issues. Her body is the total sum of how she views herself and her self worth. She talks about it constantly, to the point of being very draining to be around her. She is very tall - 5'-11" - and has had a tendancy to be a bit heavy, and has *thick* legs. But she also has an hour glass figure, and she is so obsessed with what everyone else thinks of her body. It's really sort of sad, she is so incredibly insecure.
I think that most people with body image issues really have insecurities, and I wish they could realize that people love them truly for who they are and what they bring to others' lives, not what type of body they have.
Paula, you are not ugly, I know I saw a pic of you back in the M2M days. If you are unhappy with the way clothes look on you, look for different styles, colors or fabrics. I feel certain there are clothes that will look great on you, and once you find them, you will feel better about yourself when you see they look great.
I am truly sorry you feel that way about yourself.
Oh lordy, yes. Right now I'm 5'2" and my weight fluctuates between 150 and 160. You have a lot more inches to distribute your weight over and I'll bet you don't look like a rolledup rug when you wear a down coat in the winter (and I do). I hate being photographed, and have only about 4 photographs taken in my whole life that I like - the most recent about 15 years ago. As for clothes - well, with my height and weight you can guess I have no waist, and I do indeed have hips and a tummy. So I wear elastic waist slacks and overblouses all year round. I look for colors and prints in blouse fabrics that I like and that draw attention to the blouse rather than the body it is covering.
I tend not to think about it, though, except for a few times a day. Unhappily there is a very large mirror directly opposite the tub/shower, so I see me every morning getting out of the shower until, thank heaven, the mirror fogs up. And, I look more and more like my mother, or rather as I remember my mother, every day - so I see my mother, wrinkles, sags, bags and all, in the mirror every morning. At 66, sags and bags and wrinkles are to be expected. I tend not to look in mirrors except to put on my makeup and check my hair and lipstick in the middle of the day.
Still, truly, most of the time I don't think about it. I know what styles I can wear that are most flattering or anyhow the least unflattering, and stick to it. When I shop, either I buy brands/styles I know I can walk into without trying them on or when I try them on I look at the fit and not the "me". I know really nothing is going to be "flattering" until I get flatter, and I know I have made the conscious decision that I am not going to work particularly on diet. I am trying to walk a lot for my health, and if it brings my tummy in a bit, great - if it doesn't, oh well. I know I have no sense of style, so I stick with "neat and clean" with pretty blouses, and don't even think about trying "high fashion". Especially as so much of what passes for high fashion today looks rather sluttish in my eyes, and even when I had the legs, waist and bust for it I wouldn't have dreamed of wearing most of what I see in magazines and store windows.
The people around me think I'm great. My sons and daughter-in-law and dil's family all like and love me and we laugh and joke and sometimes cry together. I have friends who value me for who I am and what I do, certainly not my looks. My bosses love me because I do great work and have recovered my sense of humor since I've been working with these wonderful new bosses. My co-workers like me because I am always willing to help out when I have free time or to try to problem-solve when asked. The big bosses like me because I have a sense of humor, I do my job and help out others and don't gripe much, and I keep really good chocolates hidden in my desk. My neighbors think I'm a good neighbor, and I think they are great neighbors.
And I like me. I've spent a lot of years, time, pondering, chopping and changing and exploring to become the person I am, and I am pretty satisfied with who this person is. I may not be able to dress me up very fancy, but I can sure take me out and have fun.
I have to say, none of the people around me say anything critical about how I look. The closest anyone came in recent years was when I went from straight hair held back with a clip to a recent short-cut perm. My son looked at me when I came in the house and said "that's going to take me time to get used to". (However, everyone else, including me, loves it and I have gotten scads of compliments, including the ever wonderful "it makes you look so much younger".)
Paula, I do take you seriously and I do feel a great deal of sympathy and no small amount of empathy for you. I was really skinny as a kid, no boobs, and when I got my first bra for 8th grade graduation the saleswoman suggested falsies, to my great indignation. I was always thin, to the point where people commented on my skinny arms and legs (including the guy who put a wrist corsage on my arm as we were getting ready to go to my senior prom and said, gee your arms are skinny - the jerk) until I went on birth control, when I suddenly gained about 20 pounds, and weight has been a struggle ever since. I've always had hips way out of proportion to my small bust and never had particularly good legs (according to what is considered "great legs"), and the only place I wear shorts is in the backyard or maybe, just maybe, at a picnic. I have almost never photographed well - my face is one that is reasonably attractive when I am talking, thinking, reacting, but not on film, and I hate having my picture taken and say so, bluntly, when people come around me with cameras. I've always known I'll never look like whatever the current image of "beautiful" is, and somewhere along the way I decided (a) I'm not going to try - I'm going to find my own "style" and stick to what I feel comfortable with, and (b), most of the people I like are people I like for who they are, not what they look like - and I am assuming they feel the same way.
Oh yes, I do admire a nicely filled pair of jeans when they are walking away from me, and I envy the young woman in our office who not only wears a size 6 but also has long, naturally wavy hair and a beautiful face. But most of the people I like and admire are "just plain folks" and some are almost homely - some, in fact, are actually homely, when I stop to think about it, but I never notice.
I suggest you take a few minutes and look around you and see, really see, the people you like. Not the people you envy, but the people you like and admire, your friends and role models. And sort out for yourself whether you like them for their looks or for who they are and how they interact with you and others, and how they live their lives. And maybe start to think that maybe they operate with the same values.
Of course, Weight Watchers and an exercise program can help - and if I ever get enough self discipline that's what I would try. But how you look at yourself is even more important. If you present yourself to the world as a woman who is comfortable in her personality and body (even if it is a bit pretend about the body) that is how people will accept you. But first you are going to have to learn how to accept yourself - and that is where the work begins.
Lots of hugs, understanding (I think), and encouragement to take a different look at yourself - your self, not just the packaging.
I never really thought much about body image or how people look at you or even how I perceived myself. I always had a good self image, felt comfortable with my body. It wasn't perfect, but I was the right size/weight for my height, but then I had some medical problems and my weight really ballooned up. Besides the fact that I don't feel good about myself, what has amazed me the most is how others perceive me now. Now, I am considered lazy, slovenly, people can't understand how I 'just let myself go'. It really kills the self esteem when you see yourself through others' eyes.
This is me all over... I've never had a problem with weight until I reached 25 (which also was when my son was born). When I got PG with Brendan I weighed 110 at birth I was only 120 and here I am today almost 4 and a half years later creeping on 140.
I've never had to try to loose weight so I'm a little lost on how to even go about it. With all that has gone on in my life recently I just haven't had the "desire" to do anything, now that things will be settling down soon I want to get back to where I should/want to be. Just not sure how to do it... 
It's funny, because in college, I always thought I was fat...and now I look at those pictures and long to look like that again.
The only thing I don't like on my body is my new "waist". I thought I could work out like I used to, but didn't realize that it could be so hard.
I really just want to lose 10 pounds now...it's realistic, but it's SO difficult to get the motivation...especially when i'm a sahm and i don't have to wear business clothes much!!
I feel your pain with the shopping too!! I cry all of the time.
How funny, I am the opposite. I grew up overweight and was made fun of like Kaern, without mercy. I even had a teacher call me a pig regularly. I had a broken tailbone and was very inactive. I didn't know it was broken until I was 28. Anyway, I suffered from anorexia in high school and college. Just having to get dressed up to go out could throw me in a horrible anxiety attack. This also happened while I was married right up until I gave birth for the first time. I got really big but I felt ok! I don't know what it was....being a mom? Focusing on the baby? I lost the weight after each pregnancy and kind of grew into myself, if that makes sense. I am hard on myself now, but I know need to be in better shape. Even hard now is not like then......back then the negative self-talk was constant. Now I try to positive talk and I really focus on the fact that my daughters are watching me for ques. I also know I have a physical problem that makes it hard for me to exercise. I went out and bought some clothes recently. When I wear them I feel SO GOOD. SO what if I need to lose 20 pounds! It will come off in time! When the negative thoguhts pop up in my head I make them get out! This is the only body I am ever going to have and I am learning to love it. No matter what size it is. NO ONE is perfect. I ahve seen models on tv and sometimes you can see their imperfections...know what? I have a good example of this and I will try to find it. Advertising lies and women believe it too much! We could all be supermodels! Lemme see if I can find it...
I feel exactly like you Paula. I am 5'6", but I weigh more than you. I hate trying on clothes too. I want so many clothes out there, and i think that they will look cute, but I am always wrong. Fortunately, Chris is still very attrected to me, if not more than before I had Rylee. I never really minded how I looked before I had Rylee, because I was pretty thin, but now, I still have all of my pregnancy weight on. Well, most of it anyways. I gained 50 pounds with Rylee and only have lost 22 pounds. I am hoping to still get it all off plus more.
I'm also in the negative body image group. I've always felt like I should look a little bit better, even in high school and wearing a 3 or a 5, and went to drastic lengths to make sure that I didn't gain any weight. I've gained a lot of weight with my pregnancies and battled PPD, which made it sooo much easier to tell myself I was lazy and that taking care of myself was a waste of time. I slid back into some bad habits that were making me an awful person to have to live with (my poor dh and dks!) and I was doing terrible things to my health. Just the last year or so is when I've decided that I can't keep complaining about how I look, feel, or am perceived if I'm not going to do anything to change it. I'm working out at a nearby Curves, I'm getting ready to go back to school, and I've been trying to change the way I eat and treat myself, physically and mentally. I was talking to myself in ways that I'd never allow anyone else to speak to me. I've started looking to find things that make me happy and incorporating them into my daily life. I love music but, since I always let the kids have the TV on, I never listened to the radio or my cds. Now each child gets to pick a 30 minute television show and then it goes off and music is playing the rest of the day. I've started drinking more water and eating more regularly. Now that I'm not feeling like guilty for not taking care of myself or being a bad example for my kids, I'm not mentally speaking to myself the same way. I'm still not happy with the way my body looks or the way clothes fit me, but I know I'm taking steps in the right direction. Eventually, if I can stick with it, I hope to be in a place that is acceptable to me.
{{{Paula}}} I have been where you are at. I had a bad body image growing up. Not because I was overweight, but because I was so tall. I was always taller then everyone in class and as a freshman in high school I was already 5'7". I didn't actually fill out until the beginning of college. I finally became comfortable with my body and then I gained lots of weight while pregnant. It took me awhile to loose it. But, I did and kept it off for 5 years. Then, a few years ago I gained about 20 lbs during a stressful time in my life. I have just recently lost the weight again. I know for myself, I feel the best about myself when I am eating well and exercising. I am at that point now, and plan to do everything I can to stay there. I will never be one of those really skinny girls. And yes, I have parts of my body that I would change if I could. However, I have learned to accept this. I know that I am healthy and on my way to getting into good physical shape. That is what is important to me. 
I grew up in the 70's when sandy blond straight and feathered hair and little boobs and short shorts were all the thing. I have tons of extremly curly dark brown hair, wore coke bottle glasses and was 35 25 39. I was certainly not the 70's poster child. I was constantly called ugly by my siblings, ostrazised by my classmates and generally had a horrible self image and not just about my body. I became almost asexual in my dress and attitude, I still have trouble wearing anything that is tight across my chest because I am self concious. My dh when he first saw me minus clothes was amazed at how much chest I really have, (thankfully he is a boob guy and was impressed). It is only after many years have I realized approching 40 that I have a body that while I need to lose about 30 pounds (5'6" 170) I have alot hotter body than the people that gave me such crud when I was growing up. I generally dont wear shorts but I do like long skirts and now will actually wear tank tops when it gets warm enough (something I would never do years ago). So sometimes you do heal as you mature but I am still dealing with some of those issues from 20-30 years ago.
Thanks for all the input everyone. I've been thinking a lot about what Ginny wrote, as well as the others, and realized that part of my problem is the people I hang out with. Mind you, no one ever says anything about how I look but in the last few days I realized how negative my friends are in general. For instance, the last three phone calls my best friend has made to me involve her complaining about something in her life. I think hanging out with people who are always negative is bringing me down so I need to get more positive and hopefully rub off on them or find new friends, which is so hard to do.
I grew up extremely skinny. When DH and I met he could touch his fingers when he put his hands around my 19" waist. I need to do something about this instead of just talking and thinking about it.
I recently had an interview and was asked for three words that describe me. I said, "creative, dependable and organized." Funny thing is that when I self talk I often put myself down instead of looking at the positive things about me.
Thanks ladies...you're the best therapy around...and waaaaay cheaper!
This is all we see...the polished final image. Look how the picture started? They even do this to models that we might think are "perfect". I wish I had some more examples....examples like this keep me grounded.
I think in the touched photo that she is too skinny, but thats another post
Kim, you've brought up SUCH a great point! The media and marketing forces use sex, and their created image of what is *sexy* to brainwash everyone.
NO one has a perfect body, surgery and photo retouching can create the illusion of such, but every single one of us has positives and negatives to our bodies.
And what is the body - a mere shell to contain the *real* person inside of it. Granted, we need to take care of our shells, and most of us do things to make our shells more attractive - makeup, jewelry, hair coloring and styles, fashionable clothing, whatever - but people have lost sight of the fact that it's the PERSON INSIDE the body, not the physical shell, that's worth knowing.
Paula, you have made another excellent point. When you are surrounded by negativity, you become negative, and sooner or later, all the negativity affects your overall mood and feelings of self worth. Kudos to you for recognizing this!
I have a friend (no, it is not someone who has ever been to this board! LOL) whom I love dearly, but sometimes she just drains all my emotional energy with her complaining, whining and general negativity. I find myself telling her to be thankful for the things she has, because honestly, she has so much, I don't think she even realizes it. For that reason, I tend to NOT lean on people when I most need them, because I'm afraid they will feel *I* am emotionally draining to them!
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/celeb.html
lol..Kim...gotta love the one of Michael Jackson.
Some of the celebs still looked great (Leonardo) while others looked just like me.
Interesting!
I laughed at the Michael Jackson one....he had LESS make up on in the 'after' shot than the 'before'! Now it's all permanent make up!
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