Talk some sense into me!!!!
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive May 2005:
Talk some sense into me!!!!
I definitely need some words of wisdom here, because the more I think about this, the worse I feel. I don’t think it’s me, but, I’ve been wrong before.
My mother lost my step-father, her husband of 20 years, last summer. It was a difficult situation for all of us, especially since my mother really couldn’t afford to continue to live where they were for long by herself. After long talks, we all decided, since she wanted to be with my DD, we would buy a house and build an in-law for her. She was ecstatic. She continuously browsed the real estate ads. It was all she would talk about.
Five months later, she got a call from a man that she was engaged to 36 years ago. The only reason she didn’t marry this man then was that she was a 24 year old mother (I was 4 years old), had just been through a divorce and he had three children and wanted more. She couldn’t imagine becoming an immediate mother of four at 24… plus the “more children” he wanted. So, they parted ways, but, through the years, have always tried to be together. Either one or the other was married. Now, they are both unattached and want to be together.
Now… let me be the first to say that I do not begrudge my mother any happiness, and she does seem to be happy. My step-father was a wonderful man, but not overly loving, except to my DD, loud and never wanted to go anywhere, whether it be on a trip or out to dinner. This man is the polar opposite. Romantic, loving and loves doing things. They have already been on two trips together and go out to dinner and the theater all the time. I am very happy for her.
She recently announced that she is moving into his in-law apartment. He owns a single family home with a very nice in-law. She’s painting, buying furniture, really getting into this.
What is my dilemma, you ask? Remember when you were in high school and your best friend, who you spent every minute with, got a boyfriend and, all of a sudden, you never heard from them anymore? Or, when you did talk to them, the whole conversation revolved how wonderful her boyfriend is? Well… meet my mother!! Every conversation revolves around him. Even when she tries to talk about something else, he’ll be in the background and she won’t be paying attention to what you’re saying. So, I feel like, “ok, whatever”.
Now, the original plan, even when she was with my step-father was that once my DD went to school, she would be the one to pick her up and get a couple of hours a day with her and then my DH or I would pick her up. Once she decided to live with us, it was all the better. When I mentioned the other day about this plan, she looked at me like I had a head growing out of my armpit, and said “Well, I don’t know. We really want to travel quite a bit!!!” This, coming from the woman who cried and guilt-tripped me when I once mentioned that I wanted to move to another state! What kills me even more is the things that involve my DD that she has let slip. When my DD was old enough, not even really, she began calling every night to say goodnight. She never missed a night. Now that my daughter is 3 and knows what is going on, the calls have really dwindled. Sometimes they don’t come at all.
I don’t know how to feel here. Part of me is really angry. And another part of me is angry at myself for being angry!!!
I’m soooo confused!
I can understand your frustration, but you kind of have to put yourself in your mother's shoes for a minute. This all new to her, and we all know that new things wear off. Give it time for the newness to sink in. She is probably on cloud 10 right now, and being spoiled, and that is all new to her. I am not saying that what she doing to your DD is right, but maybe you should tell her how you feel. Instead of doing it over the phone, go to her in person so she has to listen. HTH
My, things sure have taken a turn, haven't they? I don't blame you for being angry or disappointed. Those are feelings, and feelings cannot be controlled.
What you can control are your actions. As you said, you really don't begrudge your mum the happiness, so don't make a real big deal of your feelings. It seems apparent that if you want time with her, her new beau is part of the package now, too. Embrace him and include him. Invite them to dinner at your house, so that she might spend more time with your dd that way.
Your mum is on her own now, like a new young adult flying the nest. Although it was tough to lose her husband, she has found new life in this man, almost as if she has been reborn.
It may be tough to face, but she doesn't need you like you all thought she would. It's time to let go.
First, be glad you didn't buy a new house and build an in-law suite. Second, remember when you were in the first flush of new love? If you don't, your mother does, and you were probably just as aggravating.
Part of what is happening with your mother is a recovered "lost love". And, as I read the numbers, your mom is what? 60? Can you imagine being a 60 year old woman and finding a man whom you know, whom you loved many years ago, who thinks you are attractive and sexy and fun to be with, who is romantic, takes you to dinner and theater and on trips? Wow - no wonder she is totally absorbed in him. (Ask her for me if he has an older brother - LOL!)
Give it time, let them settle in. They will, and things will calm down a bit. I do think you can remind her how much she means to your dd and guilt trip her a bit about that - but only a bit. As for the child care - you have time. You don't know what will be happening then, and even if her plans stay the same, you have time to make alternative arrangements.
Be happy for her - your dear mom, whom you love and want to be happy - has found a new life and a new/old love, and is happy. Yes, it can be a bit aggravating - I remember being around my middle son and his wife when they were first engaged, and it was worse when they were first married. But gee, that is what happens in the first few months of love, isn't it.
And be glad you have a place to vent where it won't get back to her.
I am sympathetic, at least a bit, but I do urge you to look at from your mom's viewpoint.
I couldn't have said it any better than Ginny did. I agree with her completely.
I agree with Ginny... See your point. But I wish for her happiness. So many older people spend their lives alone, she is one of the lucky ones. Sounds like it is time for you to step back and look at the big picture.. And instead of being upset about DD and the night time calls. Have DD call her and even if she has to leave her a message on her machine she will know DD called and DD will still have the memories of this.
Thank you soooooo much!!! Everyone!!!
Like I said, I needed some sense talked into me! I really do want her to be happy, and right now, she is over the top happy!!! You're all right! New love is wonderful and she should be overjoyed!
I'll spend some time getting over myself and read this six or seven more times.
Thank you!
Angela
|
Members
