I want to be good!
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive May 2005:
I want to be good!
I am going anonymous because i feel a bit embarrased by this.
I am not a bad person really but i want to be a better person and i don't know where to start. I come from a family that is always criticizing people. My mother always manages to see the bad in people and I learned to do the same from when I was young. However, i believe this is not in my nature and that i was merely copying my mom's behaviour.
Ten years ago i met the love of my life, the father of my children. He is the best man i have ever met. He is genuinely good. He is optimistic and honest and full of life. He always sees the best in people unlike me. I tend to see the bad side of people, even my friends. I would say, yes she is good BUT, she is this and this...
I don't know if i am explaining this right. I want to like people without considering their negative side, because i find it only gets in the way. I want to genuinely like people and to accept them and to see only their positive side.
I sometimes complain with my dh about my friends, that they are not considerate enough or that they are too possesive or too selfish. And he always ends up saying, yes i know but they are your friends and you should love them no matter what. I know he is right, and i want to achieve that but it is hard when you learned that everybody has a bad side and that is what matters.
Even now, my mother always criticizes people, she always manages to find flaws even in her friends. She is divorced but i don't know why, maybe that was one of the reasons. I don't want to change her and i don't join her anymore when she starts criticizing somebody. But i still do it myself and i don't know how to stop and more importantly how to be honest about it, i don't want to fake it.
I have learned so much from my dh and i really want to be a better person. People like me, because i have a cheerful character, but sometimes i feel an hypocrite because of the thoughts i think of people. Everybody has their flaws but i've had enough on concetrating on the bad rather than the good.
I don't do it with everybody, mostly i like people, but sometimes i find criticizing my friends, i tend to look for their flaws and although sometimes they are true, i don't want it to get in the way of our friendship. That said, i have never had a fight with any of them but merely because i am not confrontantional and would hate to have a fight with any of my friends.
This is probably too long, and there are too many examples to write here. I just want to know how to break patterns of behaviour that we learn from our families, and especially our mothers. I feel it in my heart, especially now that i am a mother i want to be the best person that i can be.
So where do I start? Does anmybody have this problem?
WOW What I always tell my kids is it is up the THEM to be the kind of person they want to be. You have the power to change things about yourself that you don't like. Learned behaviors are sometimes very hard to change, but the fact that you are conscious of a behavior that you don't like is a huge beginning, IMO.
FWIW - my mom was the same way. She always found the negative in a situation rather than the positive. Saw the bad in people instead of the good. With her, the cup was always half empty rather than half full. I carried that into adulthood without realizing it. When I realized I was doing some of the things I absolutely hated about her I made a very conscious effort to change.
Have I changed those behaviors 100%? I don't think so, and maybe I never will. But I don't see myself as a bad person.
The only thing I can tell you is, when you find yourself thinking/doing those things, take a step back, force yourself to see the *other* side, and it will probably start to become the norm for you.
I would agree. If I think something I don't want to think or remember something painful I don't want to dwell on
I say "Stop" enough of that mentally...
then try to think of something else.
Stop the tapes from rolling in you head.
Also I wouldn't indulge in the behavior too much with my mom. I would try to change the subject if I could. Of course it should like gossip too which is sort of fun to do with your mom. Who else can you complain about your friends to but your mom?
Also someone told me everyone is crazy - including youself. So what good is judging anyone?
Could you try and change the behavior in some way? When you are aware of yourself thinking negative thoughts, say to yourself a friend is someone who loves us "warts and all". Then force out the bad thoughts by thinking of all the things you like about tha person.
If you happen to be in a conversation and it happen, try really hard to concentrate on what your friend is saying, rather than what you are thinking.
Good luck and hugs! Self improvement is never easy, but as Karen said, you've taken a huge first step.
Ame
Ceasing to SPEAK of the flaws is a big step and it sounds like you've pretty much taken that one. Eventually your thoughts will follow. Try and remember how you LOOK and SOUND to others when you criticize. My neighbor, who is a VERY together woman who dresses perfectly, has the perfect house, manicured lawn, perfect hair, etc. and is in her fifties (yet looks 35) constantly criticizes. She's this perfect Martha Stewart type but when she opens her mouth she ruins it all. She complains about everything and everyone, all in a well modulated voice with poise...but all I see is this COMPLAINER! Seeing someone who LOOKED so perfect, but SOUNDED so whiney and judgemental really turned me off. I avoid her if possible, and if not I brace myself for an onslaught of her complaints. Because of her I tripled my efforts to always speak kindly of others and give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps if you remember that criticizing others usually just makes YOU look bad, you'll break the habit. My neighbor leaves me with a 'who are you to judge??' feeling and I don't want others thinking that of ME, and you don't either. Change takes time but if you keep in mind how you come across, AND the fact that no one is perfect and you wouldn't like it if people were always criticizing YOU, you'll eventually change your heart which will stop those nasty thoughts. I don't know your religious beliefs, but IMO God is the only one who has a right to judge us and He and Jesus are the only perfect ones. Also, God made every one of us and to criticize His children is so very unkind. I keep that all in mind when someone annoys me and the mean thoughts start up. *I* would be devastated if someone ripped my children apart, and so I remember that it pains God as well when we rip HIS children apart.
Also, instead of just not joining your mom in criticisms, it will help enforce your new habit if you point out the good to her. For every criticism she makes about someone or something, find something good to say to her instead. This will help you, as well as show HER that there is good in someone, not just bad.
Good luck to you and kudos for becoming a better person!
Good for you for realizing whats happening and working on it!
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O.K. just my opinion, however, criticism of others is a form of insecurity. When we point out flaws in others it is quite often what we secretly don't like about ourselves. People who are insecure try to bring themselves up by putting others down, it makes them feel better about themselves. Two things, perhaps take a closer look at what you don't like about yourself (the criticism part, my guess is just on the surface) and try to focus on the good aspects of your personality, the other thing, every morning when you get up think of this as a new beginning, make a conscious effort to think positively today about yourself and others. Don't shoot yourself down if you're not perfect that day as each morning you will have a new commitment to be positive again.
It takes time to change behaviour, be patient and kind to yourself and eventually you will notice a change in your thoughts and moods. Good luck and congratulations on putting this out there and making the effort to become a whole person and who you truly are! I think a lot of us could benefit from this post  myself included.
My Mom puts me down sometimes, and sometimes I think that I have some of that negativity in me, but I ddon't let it out, I think that you realizing it is a good start. Now just work on it as hard as you can. Every one has a fault, we just have to look around them.
I agree with heaventree completely. I think we tend to be critical of behavoirs/ habits of others that we truly don't like in ourselves. Also, think about how you would feel if you found out that any of your friends were talking negatively about you behind your back. Probably very hurt and I would guess you would not want to hurt any of your friends that way. Good for you for recognizing this trait in yourself and wanting to change it.
One very important thing that helps me to change behaviors in myself that I don't like is to remember how my dd learns as much from (if not more) what she sees me doing as anything I try to tell her. So keep in mind what your children are learning from your behavior.
Thanks to all of you for your input. I agree with Kate on this:
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Also, instead of just not joining your mom in criticisms, it will help enforce your new habit if you point out the good to her. For every criticism she makes about someone or something, find something good to say to her instead. This will help you, as well as show her that there is good in someone, not just bad.
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However, i have tried it and it doesn't work because my mom turns it around saying that i am always against her and that we never agree on anything and it sometimes ends in a fight, which i hate. I sometimes try to change the topic like Feona said and leave it there because i truly dislike it when she starts criticizing. Also, i think she's learned how to start criticizing when i am around, she would start saying something nice about that person and then carry on with the criticism.
I don't generally criticize in front of othersjust because i know how people sound just like your neighbour, Kate. I tend to do it with my dh, i would complain about somebody and thankfully he would point out the good in them.
You are right Michelle about watching what we do in front of our children, they learn so fast!
Thanks again everyone!
First of all, congratulations, you have taken a really big step. Gotta quote Dr Phil here, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge", so it seems to me you are already half way there.
You said you want to change and don't want to "fake it". Here's what I think. You have a choice in whether you engage in this type of thinking. Initially it will probably feel like you are faking it because it has been so ingrained in you to think this way. Still, continue to "fake it" and you will find that eventually it won't feel fake anymore. You are already conscious of the behaviour, so when you catch yourself at it, you have the power to choose not to give in to it.
Also, give yourself a break. You've been doing this for a long time now, you won't change overnight. You don't want to see the negative in everyone else, you need to do the same for yourself.
IMO, power is the key. You need to recognize that you have the power to overcome this and you don't HAVE to do it if you don't want to.
One more thought: You can't change other people, so don't try to take responsibility for your mother's behaviour. She is an individual who has the right to say what she wants to say. You can't control how other people behave, but you can control how you behave and I believe you will have success in this.
It sounds like you have a great support in your husband. Talk to him about this and ask him to help you by calling you on your negativity. You may do it without even recognizing it. It won't always be easy to hear, but since when is change easy?
Thanks Karen, that's really good advice. I feel positive about this and talking to all the moms here and having support from everybody feels really encouraging. Dh is very supportive, but sometimes he doesn't understand the way i think and it's hard for him to give me advice in how to change my behaviour (in this and so many other things) because for him is so natural that he tells me to "just do it" LOL. So, coming here for advice was a good move because you have different experiences and different ideas on how to approach the same situation.
First of all, I can tell you're Canadian...ha ha ha...(behaviour)...and secondly, I think I'm the same way sometimes. My father does the same thing and it really took my husband to make me realize that it's really more out of habit.
I realized that I've just got to say, "That's just the way she is"...and leave it at that.
I've left posts on here about a friend that is very selfish, but now I've just realized that I can't change her but rather I can only change myself and my attitude about her.
When I got discouraged teaching 12 year olds, I thought, "How much are they going to change vs. how much can *I* change?"
All in all, it's just not worth it. Think about how you view a person when they say something negative about someone else...it makes them look very insecure. Not much to admire...that's what got me to change.
Congratulations on taking the first and most important step - recognizing a fault and wanting to change rather than excuse.
You've gotten good advice above. I would add one trick that may also help. Every time you find yourself thinking something critical or negative about a person, try to immediately seek at least two things about that person that you like or admire.
I especially agree with Frasersmama above - fake it. There is a school of psychology/psychiatry known as behaviorism, where the person is instructed and helped to act/fake the behavior they want, and it eventually becomes habit and real. Your friends won't know you're faking it, and you may find yourself getting positive feedback on the new positive and non-criticizing you. Your dh sounds like a real keeper, and if you bring him in on the secret and tell him what you are going to try to do and be, and ask for his help and "constructive criticism" feedback, that might also help. Maybe he can't help you in learning how to change (just "do it" is not really helpful), but if he knows you are trying and is willing to help in gentle, non-critical and constructive ways, that might be the additional motivator you need. Frasersmama is also right that you can't change your mom, and there is no point in getting into arguments with her. You could change the subject, say "I don't agree with you but I don't want to get into an argument with you about this", or just pretend you don't hear it.
And, think about how you will be modeling behavior for your children that is more positive and more affirming than what your mother modeled for you - you don't want to raise children with the same dilemma you are dealing with.
The first step (which you've taken) is always the hardest. Good luck. Check back for more encouragement and support.
My fil is very negative. When he starts criticising, I just sit there and listen. I don't comment or agree. Do you have to agree with your mom when she starts on a roll?
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