I was wondering...I know there are lots of different views on this (from the people I have talked to) and I wonder how some of you feel about it.

As a sahm, I think I should do the cleaning, my kids put their shoes up and keep their toys out of the livingroom, but for the most part I believe I should clean and I clean their room as well. When I was growing up I was made to clean. I had a list of chores and since I was the baby (by 4 years) I was the last one home and had to do dishes, laundry, mop, all the bedrooms, bathrooms...and basically the entire house. If I didn't have it done by a certain time my mother went shopping without me and I had to stay home on Saturdays and clean while she shopped, I disliked her very much for it. I do not agree with what she did. My cousins were treated the same way. BTW, this was not a punishment, this was a weekly chore and 2 or 3 nights a week I also had to cook supper. I think alot of why my kids don't have to clean all that much is because I know how it feels to have to clean all the time. Oh and in case you wonder, I did not get an "allowance"

So do your kids clean?

By Yjja123 on Tuesday, May 3, 2005 - 08:54 pm:

YES!
My kids have a weekly chore list.
I think it is important that everyone contribute to the running of the household. I also think it is important that they know how to cook and clean in preparation for when they do move out. Their chores do not take long so they have plenty of time for fun.

By Yjja123 on Tuesday, May 3, 2005 - 08:56 pm:

Oh my kids DO get an allowance too but it is not attached to the chores.

By Emily7 on Tuesday, May 3, 2005 - 09:41 pm:

I agree with Yvonne, I think it is important they help do chores. I make my 16 month old pick upi her room. My 3 year old helps set the table & put away dishes on top of cleaning his room (with my help).

By Melanie on Tuesday, May 3, 2005 - 09:48 pm:

I think it's important for kids to contribute to the family. But I've stopped calling them chores. They have a nighttime routine and as part of it I ask them to "bless the house" by picking from a list of things that need to be done and doing it. I've done it before where they have a list of chores to do, and I find that by offering more flexibility in letting them choose, they are more willing to help.

I also think it's important for kids to learn these basic skills. I would hate to send them off on their own without them learning how to do the laundry or cook!

By Missmudd on Tuesday, May 3, 2005 - 10:01 pm:

They have some chores but I do alot more than my mom did. They vacuum and take out the trash, pick up their stuff from the living areas, unload the dishwasher (I always load, I would hate to see what they would do to my dishwasher if I let them load). Nobody cooks because the one that is oldest enough (16y) without fail will either try to burn himself or the house down or will cut off a finger cooking. I have tried to teach him but sometimes you just have to admit failure. They are supposed to keep the yard free of there toys and bikes, that only is done if I yell alot. Feeding their animals also requires persistant reminding (darn dh for letting them have rabbits sigh) Laundry is totally my domain, you can have a ball point pen explode in the wash w/ dh work clothes only once before you decide to do the wash yourself, dh does do his own wash however. So they are not off scott free but probably have fewer chores than some of their peers.

By Sunny on Tuesday, May 3, 2005 - 10:05 pm:

We are a family of 7 and yes, my kids clean. My motto is We all live in the house, so we all help to take care of it.

By Pamt on Tuesday, May 3, 2005 - 10:30 pm:

YES! They make their beds, keep their rooms picked up, set the table, empty the trash cans, and due to the fact that they keep *missing* the toilet (boys!), they are now responsible for deep cleaning their bathroom. They also feed the pets. They each take turns cooking with me about once every week or two. They both love to cook and it is special time for us together, plus they are learning an important skill. And...if clothes don't make it into the laundry or I don't get their lunch box after school then they do their laundry and pack their lunch.

I agree with others---allowance isn't tied to chores. They get allowance because they are members of this family, but that means they also get to share in the responsibility of maintaining the house.

By Reds9298 on Tuesday, May 3, 2005 - 10:40 pm:

My dd isn't old enough yet to do that (only 10mths.) but she will definitely have chores and be a part of the cleaning! I agree totally with Sunny's motto. It's a responsibility thing. Once I go back to work, dh will be back in on the cleaning as well, just like he was before baby. I feel that everyone in the house is responsible for upkeep.

By Unschoolmom on Tuesday, May 3, 2005 - 11:28 pm:

My kids don't have any chores. I'm with you Candis on the cleaning part...I'm the one that choose the role of mom and housewife so I get the cleaning. I actually enjoy cleaning now (which I didn't when I was growing up with chores) so it works out okay.

I do ask for my kids help though and they most often oblige happily. My daughter loves to do dishes and fold laundry and my son helps put his toys away.

But this approach works only because I enjoy what I do (and so I can model it) and I decided for myself that housework was within my job description. If I didn't like housework or didn't feel it was my job then chores would likely be a better option. But what we do does works. The kids still help out and enjoy pitching in.

By Cybermommyx4 on Tuesday, May 3, 2005 - 11:47 pm:

We have 6 people living here, and 6 people help to keep it livable DH and I do the majority of housework, but all four kids help on a daily basis. A lot depends on what is on THEIR agenda (how much homework? Did DD just come from a 4-hour gymnastics workout? Does DS (17) have to work at his part-time job that night? etc.) I try to be really reasonable about what I request of them. Every night after dinner, everyone who is "available" participates in "family clean-up time" which takes care of dishes, picking up, bringing laundry down, getting a load started, etc. and basically making the house "DONE" for the night. I would love to do it all myself, but I can't (partly due to time, and partly because of a physical limitation) but no one is really stressed out about any of it. BTW, I was an only child, and I did just about ALL of the cleaning at home, and I was rather Obsessive/Compulsive about it all. I couldn't even study until the whole house was clean. My mom and I often joke that if just one of my kids was like that, we'd be all set, lol!

By Tink on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 12:17 am:

I expect my kids to pick up their toys, clothes, clear their places after meals, make their beds and put away their laundry. I do all the deep cleaning, I re-clean their rooms (making sure toys are actually where they belong) and take care of laundry if it's in the hamper. My oldest unloads the silverware from the dishwasher and feeds the animals and walks the dog once a day. My dh only takes out the trash and cleans the litter box. My children don't get an allowance for the help around the house. They aren't chores here because they are helping to clean the house that they helped make messy. I would never give them a list of things like you had, probably because I also had an extensive list of responsibilities growing up. Ironically enough, it all fell to me because I was the OLDEST.

By Imamommyx4 on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 12:42 am:

I consider housework my responsibility, but everybody who lives or stays for any period of time in my house is expected to help out. 4 yo dd wants toys at the store but I don't think anybody including her should just be given every little thing your heart desires. So she helps out with things she is capable of and and she does the best she can. She helped me plant our little vegetable garden recently. She wanted to dig the holes for the tomatoes and put the plants in and cover them up and I let her. While I was finishing up some stuff, I asked her to bring me the broom to sweep out the shed but she worked HER little heart out trying to sweep out the mud. Didn't do a great job, but she'd worked so hard and I bragged on her. When we went to Wal-Mart, I told her again how proud I was of how hard she'd worked and told her she could pick out a toy within a price range. She has played with that toy more than some other things that were gifts.

By Bellajoe on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 07:33 am:

Yes, they live here too, they should help clean the house.

My kids (4 and 5) help set the table and clean up after dinner. They also make their beds and clean their rooms. When they are older they will have to clean the bathrooms and 1 room in the house (kitchen, liv. room, fam. room) each. We will have a list on Sat. mornings and each of us will take a room or two to clean, then we can all have fun together once the house is clean. That is what we did when i was little.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 07:36 am:

Candis, I can understand how your reacting to the way you and your cousins were raised causes you to not want to make your chidren do housework. It sounds like you and your cousins were used as unpaid maids, and that is certainly not an appropriate or fair way to raise children.

That said, every child needs to learn how to take care of themselves when no one else is there to do it. What I told my sons was that they were learning to clean, cook, do laundry, sew on buttons, do dishes, etc., so that when they were living on their own they wouldn't get married just to have someone take care of them.

There is no "housekeeping fairy". Kids (most often boys, sorry to say) who don't learn while they are young how meals get prepared, clothes get washed, floors and rugs made acceptable for walking on, etc., will be missing important skills when they get out into the real world. When my middle son moved into an apartment with three college friends, it turned out he was the only one who knew how to cook and how to do laundry. In exchange for doing the grocery shopping (and yes, that is another important skill that has to be taught) and cooking, he was relieved of all cleaning responsibilities for the first year and a half they shared an apartment.

I think every member of a family should share in the tasks of what it takes to make your home a pleasant living space. it's part of being a family - everyone sharing in the fun and in the chores. Otherwise they grow up with this image of cooking, cleaning, laundry, housework and home-making being "what mommy does", which I think can set them up for some major difficulties in relationships and life in general when they are adults.

I don't think you need to use your children as unpaid maids, but I do think it is important tht each child have responsibilities in the household, as part of the actual and social skills they need to learn as they grow.

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 07:43 am:

Yes! Mine are all grown now, but they had chores growing up. I gave them assigned chores, but I did offer a *little* flexibility in that they swtiched every other week. I didn't want any of them to get stuck with *gender* biased chores and this was the way it worked for us. Our chores included cleaning the bathroom, emptying and loading the dishwasher, setting and clearing the table, taking out trash and recycling, etc. Jeff cut the grass for a number of years and Jen was responsible for feeding the animals.

I had chores growing up from the time I was very young. When I keep Madison over here, SHE has chores to do. I DO agree with making it seem more like fun for young kids but if you do everything for them, you raise dependent, spoiled children who will have no clue how to do anything for themselves. NOT pointing fingers at anyone - just giving my opinion.

Candis - if you resent your mom for the way she handled chores in your household, you can always do things differently in YOUR household. Giving your kids chores is not a punishment by any means. Maybe your mom treated it as such, and I disagree with that. I think YOU need to decide what the proper balance is in your own home and start incorporating small chores into your kids' daily lives. Even something as simple as bringing you the laundry, or picking up their toys.

By Kittycat_26 on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 07:51 am:

Timmy is almost three and he helps with the cleaning. (Okay so it's more fun for him now!) A squirt bottle and a rag will clean the floor for the most part. A rag will dust pretty well.

Guess I just figure that we all make the mess so we can all help clean the mess.

By Kernkate on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 08:11 am:

We all help with the house. Their bedrooms they clean up and they do make their beds daily. Alissa who is 4 loves to help, the work takes a bit longer but she is a real mommy's helper. If they make a mess with the toys they clean it up. Alissa loves to set the table for dinner.
Brett who is 10 helps with the garbage detail. And he takes out the recycling once a week.
I am glad DS Tom who is 19 always shared in cleaning and house hold chores. Made it mush easier this year when he was away at college to keep his dorm room neat. He also learned how to cook and I also agree that when learning to do these things it makes it alot easier on them when they are on their own.

By Conni on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 09:13 am:

Well we are a little different here. The kids all do *jobs*-- basic common sense things i dont consider *jobs* per se-- like putting your back pack in your room and putting your shoes away, clearing your spot after dinner (that is simply GOOD MANNERS), etc... But they do have a list of things to do each day-- Monday pick rooms up, dust/vacuum, bring laundry downstairs, etc... Tuesday bring down trash is on the list, etc...

They DO get allowance and it IS tied to completing these jobs. If they DONT do their jobs they do NOT get paid. Just like in the real world-- you dont go to work you dont get a paycheck. If they do an exceptional job or they do alot of extra jobs in a particular week- they might get a bonus - which may consist of going to the movies, renting games or extra cash, etc...

I like to read financial books and got this out of a Dave Ramsey book I borrowed from my Mom one time.

My oldest is a preteen (13 in June) and he thought he'd get smart with me the other day and tell me I dont have to work for my money... Like he does. I said 'Oh, I am sorry you feel that way'. Next day he brought me his laundry and I said 'Son, you can do that laundry yourself or I can CHARGE you for every load I wash of YOURS--I'd like to GET PAID for the work I do all day...' ;) He did his own laundry for a week and did apologize for the smart mouth... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this preteen thing is KILLING ME. Very draining. I even made him cook his own dinner one night or he could pay me for cooking and cleaning up. rofl Talk about a deer in the headlights look on a kids face... I hope he learned that I DO work all day running around and doing for others. Yes its my job and I chose it and when I want to go spend some money I have certainly EARNED it...

I feel like I have a right to be an ALCOHOLIC?? rofl

Anyway, everyone has to find what works for their family.

By Jann on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 09:43 am:

We pay for the work done too for the same reasons that Conni stated. When they were little it might be a nickle a chore. My kids don't have tons of official chores, cause frankly, I have a housekeeper so I am not doing tons of chores either, but they do have daily things expected of them. My son is also old enough to do yard work and stuff for neighbors. My dd does babysitting and stuff too.

By Heaventree on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 10:26 am:

DS is too young now to clean, but he will have age appropriate chores as he grows older. DH's mother did everything for him as a child. I think maybe he had to shovel snow and mow the lawn, but he was always too busy with Hockey so his parents accomodated his schedule. I think it should be the other way around, you get to go and have fun once your responsibilities are taken care of. Isn't this is way it is in the real world? We are raising adults, not children .

When we were both working it was difficult for me to impress upon DH that I really didn't want two jobs, I worked more hours than he did and traveled a whole lot more, yet it seemed to fall to me to do the shopping, cooking and cleaning. When DH's mother is here for a visit she still caters to him and it drives me crazy! He's a grown man he doesn't need him mommy to get him something to drink. My mom does the same thing!

I want my boy who will one day become a man to be able to hold up his own end and take care of himself.

My mother also did everything, looking back I feel bad for her, she worked outside the home, raised me and did everything around the house. I really don't think it was fair.

Today we both struggle to pick-up and keep the house clean. Obviously now that I am at home I do much more of the household stuff, but DH has become much better at emptying the dishwasher when it needs to be done and picking up the toys at the end of the day. It's taken a long time though to get my point across that we all live here and we all contribute to the mess, so we should all contribute to cleaning it up and taking pride in our home and accomplishments for a job well done.

By Truestori on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 11:39 am:

Well, I have to admit I am not organized enough to have a chore list but my children help around the house. My daughter is 12 and she knows that I will ask for the dishwasher to be emptied, the trash to be taken out, her room and bathroom kept neat etc. Now thats not to say she cleans like me but the point is she has responsibility and knows that we all work as a family. My six year old picks up his room, toys, takes out trash etc.. He is still young but if he makes the mess he can help clean it. My children don't recieve allowance, only because I feel the household chores are everyones responsiblity. But if my children need money to go somewhere or do something they know it will be available if they ask.

By My2cuties on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 01:08 pm:

I do things differently than my mother did. My girls do pick their toys up out of the livingroom. Katelyn loves to clean, it is not a mandatory thing but she wants to help fold laundry, rinse dishes, and she even loves to vacuum (of course I can't help but to go behind her and vacuum again). I think by making it not a big deal she thinks it is fun, and I love to clean (when I have the energy) and she also sees that. She has started saying "Mom, are you gonna clean the bathtub so I can take a bath" lol She knows that things have to be clean. And I tell her to put her clothes in the laundry room. They are not totally deprived of housework, it is just not like I used to have to do, I guess that is what I meant.

And Ginny, I felt like an unpaid maid! I am trying to do things better, but sometimes it is hard not to totally go the opposite direction from what I knew. DH is really helping me though. He actually came from a normal family..

Anyway, thanks I was just curious and now I know.

By Debbie on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 01:31 pm:

My dks do not actually do deep cleaning, but they do have things they are responsible for. They have to keep their rooms picked up and make their beds. They also take their plate to the sink when they are done eating and my oldest helps me clear the table most days. They basically have to pick up after themselves. They also, both help me cook. I do want them to be self sufficient when they are older, so I am just trying to teach them how to take care of themselves.

By Kaye on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 01:37 pm:

My mother was handicapped by age 12 I did all the family laundry (mom folded, we each put away), I cooked the dinner meal each night, then cleaned up, and all meals on weekends (we ate at school other meals). We had a maid to do the once a week cleaning, but I felt like I DID every thing. I never really learned how to clean, I learned how to pick up and stay on top for the maid to come..LOL. I struggle with what to do with my kids. I just remember never feeling like i had time to just chill, I was always doing something. I played sports, so I had fun, did kid things, but at my house I was always moving. So I want my kids to have that. During the summer they all have chores. But during the school year my oldest mostly does homework, my youngest mostly does homework and my middle kid is the only one who has time and that just doesn't seem fair. They do all bring me their laundry, strip their beds. I don't pick up their rooms, EVER. So once a blue moon when it gets out of control they spend quite a bit of time cleaning it. Techinically they pick it up daily, but they don't

I also have to admit I am a bad example of this. I just can't seem to stay on top anymore. I am so tired of being the maid here. I am a SAHM, so this is MY job. My hubby does help out, but it is me who is home more. I guess I have lots of issues to work through, my poor kids!

By Dandjmom on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 02:46 pm:

My DD is 9 and will be 10 this year, I've always done the cleaning like Candis I only asked her to keep her toys and shoes out of my way(put away). But now that I have my DS there doesn't seem to be as much time for cleaning as there once was when it was just her and I. Seeing that she is getting older I do ask her to help out more, not as a punishment just so that we can hurry up and go out to what else but shop of course. I still do the bulk of the household work, now I ask her to make her own bed, pick up her db toys out of the floor so that I can vaccum or sweep and every now and then I do ask her to take the trash out(but the trash cans are in the front yard of the house) and although I can see the yard the cans sit to the side a little so I have her sing or talk while she is out there so that I know is is still in range of me.

I do give her an alowence, and I sometimes don't. I have had to explain to her that I provided everything that she needs to survive etc. clotes. food. room& board. school supplies everythign for basic survival, when I give her her alowence its for her and her only she is to buy what she wants with it it her fun money ( movies , ice cream truck what ever) but lately she has been very mouthey with her teacher's as well as with me and my aunt, so she hasn't received it in a while.

I'm so sorry if I got off subject.

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 03:08 pm:

Candis - many of us often go to the extreme opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to parenting and issues we may have had growing up. I know *I* certainly have in some areas! It's all about finding a happy medium and what works for YOU and YOUR family. I can totally understand your strong feelings, but you will find that by incorporating small chores into your kids' daily routine, it will not be that big of a deal, and it will add to their structure, give them a feeling of pride and satisfaction in knowing they did a good job, and will teach them responsibility.

By Unschoolmom on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 03:21 pm:

I think just modeling a good attitude about cleaning can do the same thing as assigning chores.

And accepting the responsibility for the cleaning doesn't mean you don't ask for help and not let the kids be involved in the cleaning.

I think the trap with chores would be demanding too much or making the chores into unquestionable orders. When I've tried chores with the kids I've been alternately inconsistant and a nag.

With modeling you'd have to be careful not to dismiss a childs interest in helping and cleaning and just doing it yourself. Or make it invisible and unnoticed or act as if it's a burden.

The modeling works better for me and my kids. Keeps things peaceful and gives the kids the space to approach me about wanting to help instead of me making a demand of them (not a bad thing unless you know me and how I issue demands )

Either approach can work well as long as it's approached with kindness I think.

By Unschoolmom on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 03:43 pm:

Candis, That's how it goes here too. I don't find that not having chores means they don't help or they don't understand responsibility. It often means that cleaning is no burden.

Karen - Her kids are helping out though and likely getting a sense of pride and satisfaction from it. And no doubt learning about responsibility. Chores may be one way for kids to get those things but Candis has another way that works for her and her kids. It's not missing, it's just different.

And I wonder...I know when I did think chores were the way for me I was a tyrant about them. Considering Candis's background with chores it may be safer not to approach them. Her model was a bad one but it may be what she falls back on if she decides to institute some kind of chore system.

Is that something you worry about Candis? I know it's why I had to take full responsibility for the house. My mom did NOT like housework and had a resentful attitude about it. At times it felt like we kids were a burden. So I accept it and learn to like it because I know my mom lurks in me somewhere (she makes guest appearences at times )

Disclaimer; My mom is great and wonderful.

By Latonya on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 - 03:52 pm:

OH YES!! My kids have chores. They help with the kitchen, living room, bathroom, and clean their rooms. I am working full time now but when I was home they still helped. I have 4 at home and I am not running behind them and cleaning all their messes. I do most of it or should I say my dh who is home all day now does most of it but they do help.

By Breann on Thursday, May 5, 2005 - 09:42 am:

My daughter is 5 and is required to keep her room clean. It has to be cleaned up everynight before bed. And, she has to make her bed in the morning.
A 5 year olds version of "clean" isn't the same as mine. So, I do go in while she is at school and organize and straighten and vacuum.
My son is 3. He is required to put his toys in his toy-box before bed. He also has to feed the cat.
Both of my kids get an allowance. My dd gets $5 per week and my ds gets $3 per week. It is not related to their "chores". I don't get paid to do my chores, and I don't want them to think that they will get paid for every chore they do in their life.

By Missbookworm on Friday, May 6, 2005 - 12:47 am:

My children help out. They are responsible for their rooms, although I help occassionally and will go in and pick up before vacuuming. The boys alternate taking the trash out. They are also responsible for their dishes after dinner and for making sure their clothes make it to the laundry (they don't wash clothes as bleach and colours don't mix well we found out) but they do fold and put away their own clothes. My oldest sometimes vacuum's and my daughter likes to sweep.
My daughter also helps with feeding the cat.

They all take turns "cooking" with me.

I think it's important that they learn these things and the responsibility without being made to feel it's punishment or grueling etc. I do most of the cleaning with a few expectations of them too. They mess it up too why not help clean it?

By Rayelle on Friday, May 6, 2005 - 11:00 pm:

For a long time after we brought our youngest dd home, my 4 yr old loved to help do everything, now she doesn't as much. They do help pick up, even if if isn't necessarily theirs and they help "cook". There are some chores they enjoy, like wiping windows with paper towels and vaccuuming. My 16 month old brings me the dustpan when she sees me with the broom, which is cute. I hold them to kid standards and clean to my own later.

By Karen~moderator on Saturday, May 7, 2005 - 08:49 am:

" I hold them to kid standards and clean to my own later."

That is how they learn. :-) Unfortunately, I am finding that even a 20 y/o has her OWN standards, that do not *measure up* to mine! LOL