Dh and I have been going through some ups and downs, so it totally wasnt out of the blue that he stopped wearing his ring. I have stopped wearing my ring off and on too. We have patched things up and seem to be doing better.

Here is my problem. I dont think that the ring he is now wearing is actually his wedding ring. So he may of just lost his and then replaced it. It just seems different, a little wider, a different color, a little too "new" looking, it just doesnt seem the same. It is just a plain gold band so it really didnt have anything unusual about it. So I don't know if I should say something or not. I dont know if I really care if it is or not because he replaced it and didnt want to have me know so I wouldnt be upset. I know I was pretty sad when he wasnt wearing it and it could have been that he really just lost it because he has lost some weight. I dont know if I should confront him or not. What would you do?

By Reds9298 on Friday, April 22, 2005 - 11:22 pm:

I would ask where his original ring was, no doubt about it. Who changes their wedding ring without saying something about it??

By My2cuties on Friday, April 22, 2005 - 11:27 pm:

Could it be the same one and he just had it cleaned? Whatever it is, just ask him about it...tell him his ring looks different, what did he do to it? and then he will either say I bought a new one or something else. I would definately comment on it though, just because I would want to know.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, April 22, 2005 - 11:43 pm:

I honestly do not understand why you are thinking about making this an issue??? To me this sounds very petty..... And if you are just at the start of trying to make things work do you think that starting an confrontation about something petty is a good idea?????? IT is just a ring, MOST men do not even wear one and there is no harm in his little secret.... DH is on his third ring. The first he got hung up on something at work and almost lost his finger, the second he has lost over 60 pounds and it didn't fit anymore (he lost it off his finger four times before he lost it for good) and this new one is getting to big too. I just think that you two have more than enough issues to work through, picking a fight or playing a game about a silly ring is not a good foot to start on.

IF, you think you have to know now or die. Come right out and say. I see you have bought yourself a new ring.. Don't play head games about it... Come right out and admit you noticed. Is it a nicer ring? If so, tell him you think so.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, April 22, 2005 - 11:54 pm:

Reds9298, they have not been in a solid marriage. When we are upset with each other we do stupid things. Apparently his stupidity effected him enough that he did something with the ring and his guilt made him replace it. That would be more than enough info for me, especially if I was trying to make a new start. Not knowing her husband I wouldn't really want to question his reasoning. But she said seeing him with out his band hurt her, maybe he knows what him wearing a ring means to her and he didn't want her upset by the loss of it so he replaced it. Like I said I see no harm in it.

And it isn't uncommon for women to upgrade their wedding sets as the marriage progresses and they have more finances...

By Emily7 on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 12:19 am:

I agree 100% with Bobbie. I think that it should mean more to you that he thought to replace the ring he misplaced. It obviously means something to him now & I wouldn't push the issue. Just feel blessed that he must have thought of your feelings enough to get a new one. New ring = new beginging???

By Palmbchprincess on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 12:31 am:

I also agree with Bobbie. If it was a diamond studded ring, or inscribed, I would ask, but since it was just a gold band and your marriage has been strained, I'd let it go. JMHO of course. (((Anon))) Marriage troubles are never easy, I hope you get everything worked out.

By Dawnk777 on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 01:04 am:

I got my left hand caught in a car-door about 2 months ago. I had my hand where it shouldn't have been and my 13yo closed the door. She didn't know. It wasn't her fault. I took my ring off, right away, because I knew my finger would swell up. It's still swollen yet, so I haven't been wearing mine. I haven't tried it on in while. Perhaps I should. I just didn't want to have to go get it cut off. My finger will probably become less swollen as time goes by. Not quite sure if I want to get the ring resized or not.

By Colette on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 09:42 am:

It's one thing to replace your ring and another to replace your ring and not tell your spouse about it. She knows he replaced it and didn't tell her so now she'll have this little nagging "why" thought in the back of her head until she gets an answer. Keep in mind that you may or may not get the answer you are looking for.

By Mrsheidi on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 09:42 am:

I would ask him...why not? It's just a question. I would ask him if it's the original ring and if it isn't then just let him know it's ok to let you know if he lost it and had it replaced. We have ours insured so it would matter if we changed ours. Plus, I'm always curious...I would wonder what kind of money he spent on it and how come I didn't know about it!! LOL! (Can you tell I balance the checkbook?) My DH has his inscribed and lost it one time at work. It helped because someone found it and asked him what it said on the inside. PHEW!

By Bobbie~moderatr on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 02:57 pm:

Okay, so after a strained marriage and apparently countless other issues she should focus on the fact that he isn't telling her about a simple little ring that honestly doesn't amount to much? A ring she openly admits she isn't sure she should care about or not.. Of all the things I am sure she could choose to pick apart that he has done, hasn't done over the course of their marriage and she should be confronting him about a ring? I mean really??? It sounds to me like they have had a rocky marriage, (she admits to removing her ring on occasion too) and I can't see the point in stirring a pot that has been known to boil over. Not over something like this. She KNOWS it isn't his original ring. She KNOWS her DH, I would hope. She also knows the circumstance around their last break up and the state it left her DH in. She needs to decide whether this is something she is going to die if she doesn't know or not and then she needs to come right out and say. "I like your new ring." And leave it at that... There doesn't need to be an issue about this. And the why's and why not's in life are not always needed to be understood. Lets encourage an all day debate between them about his carelessness. Lets open up wounds that need to heal. Because I promise you if this is made a huge issue it will become an even bigger one. We have to pick our battles...

By Imamommyx4 on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 04:42 pm:

I think if my dh ever lost his ring, he would replace it w/o telling me. He is a sweetheart of a guy and we have a great relationship. But he knows how sentimental I am about things and would be afraid I'd freak. I think he would think he was doing the right thing. Men are strange birds. So there is no telling why he didn't tell you he replaced it. Most men don't value the same things women do.

I say "Pick your battles." If this is important enough for you to know, ask. If it's not, let it go.

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 04:49 pm:

I agree with Imamommy - pick your battles. But it sounds like this is something that will be nagging at you until you resolve it. I wouldn't "confront" him (confront sounds rather hostile). I'd find a time when things are friendly and smooth, and say something like, I'm really glad you are wearing a wedding ring, but I have noticed that it isn't the one I gave you and it has been at the back of my mind. Do you want to tell me what happened?

I would not be surprised if he either (a) lost it while he wasn't wearing it, or (b) in a fit of anger or sorrow did the dramatic "throw it away" thing - and when it looked like the two of you were going to try to work things out, (a) had a fit of remorse and (b) realized it would be important to you and replaced it as best he could.

Whatever explanation he gives, if it were me I'd say thanks for telling me because it has been nagging at the back of my mind. and I'm glad you realized it is important to me that you wear a wedding ring. Put it in the most positive light if at all possible.

By Jennln on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 04:58 pm:

Just a thought....but a few months ago my husband took his wedding band back to the jewelers because he had lost weight. Once it was resized our matching bands didn't quite match anymore lol.....his was obviously much newer looking since part of the process is rebuffing the gold and it just did (and still does) look a bit different from mine even though they were identical when we bought them. I only mention this because you said that your husband has lost weight recently.....could this be a possibility?

By Jennln on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 04:58 pm:

Just a thought....but a few months ago my husband took his wedding band back to the jewelers because he had lost weight. Once it was resized our matching bands didn't quite match anymore lol.....his was obviously much newer looking since part of the process is rebuffing the gold and it just did (and still does) look a bit different from mine even though they were identical when we bought them. I only mention this because you said that your husband has lost weight recently.....could this be a possibility?

By Jelygu on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 04:59 pm:

I think you should ask if you are curious. I don't think it is a big deal, and if you ask a simple question without any anger or irritation, it should be fine. If you ask him in an accusing tone, it could cause problems. But if you let him know you are ok with it, and just curious about his ring, I don't see the problem.
If you can't ask your husband a simple question, what kind of marriage do you have?

By Jann on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 05:41 pm:

Why not just say "hey, is that a new ring? I like seeing us in our wedding rings" and be done with it.

By Anonymous on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 05:56 pm:

This wouldnt be a battle, I am not angry w/ him even if he threw it away because he was upset. I know this sounds stupid, but even at my very angriest w/ him I also feel compassion and love for him.

If any of you are curious of which anon I am, I am in the archives about marrage counciling. It got alot worse b4 it got any better. He went to one session and then said while he was there that he didnt want to work on the marrage, didnt want counciling, couldnt deal w/ trying to work it out. I got super angry and told him to get the hell out, that I wasnt his wh*re, or his business manager. Then he turned it on me saying that I was the one that wasnt willing to work on things. He then went awol again for 4 days, when I did get ahold of him he sounded suicidal, he had been sleeping in his car and was 300 miles away. He kept saying how much he was messed up, how he didnt know what to do, how he had messed up our lives. I convinced him to come home. He promised that he would do his best to be here for us. And he has been doing that. About 2 days after what I think was a near miss I noticed the ring was gone, I didnt say anything because he was pretty fragile at that point and so was I. Money disappeared from the checking about a week later, not totally unusual since all this has started happening, told me that it was for business expenses, so it could have been used to replace the ring. He is now being very good about telling me what he is doing financially.

So now I wonder, is this his ring? If it isnt I really dont care, I am just relieved that he is wearing a ring, it means that he hasnt given up. I would have liked to give it to him as a symbol but I can live w/out that. But I also wonder how close was he that night? Did the ring disappear that night? Should I really know so that I can assess how bad it really was? I dont know if I really do want to know how close he may have been. So it really isnt a simple question.

I think the danger is past for him, at least right now. He is talking w/ me regularly and honestly at this time and I have no suspicion that he is still in grave danger. I dont think we are out of the woods but we are at least working together again.

By Colette on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 06:15 pm:

Anon - sounds like you should let it go for now. Maybe someday in the future, when things are stable and calm you could ask him, but for now..I'd let it go. I wish you luck with your marriage and counseling.

By Jann on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 08:08 pm:

Two thoughts come to mind...

you said " I am just relieved that he is wearing a ring, it means that he hasnt given up."

why not say that to him?

also, you say that money has been missing and he has been acting strangely, is he taking drugs or in some kind of other trouble?

By Insaneusmcwife on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 11:25 pm:

I don't think it would hurt to ask, if it were me I would ask. I don't see how it would hurt. Unless he is hiding somehting and then I would want to know anyways. But then again I am nosey and need to know everything that is going with my husband. Good thing he doesn't mind, lol.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Saturday, April 23, 2005 - 11:27 pm:

I agree with Colette. Sounds like you both have been through a huge mess. And trust me when I say that sometimes it is better not to know how low someone has been. Those things can't be fixed or changed.. But tomorrow can be. I suggest that you move forward....

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, April 24, 2005 - 02:51 am:

I agree with Bobbie. Now that you've told us a bit more, I think it would be wiser not to mention it to him, at least not for a couple of years. I suggest that while he was on his long drive he may well have thrown away the original wedding ring but when he realized that he really wanted to try to make your marriage work and came back, he replaced the ring as quickly as possible to avoid giving you pain. And if it were me, I'd respect that and not bring it up - because that might give him a lot of pain and embarassment. From what you say, it sounds to me like the money from your account went to paying for the ring. Why not think of the new ring as a new start for him and for you, and let it lie.

Speaking from the experience of living with someone who came very close to harming himself more than once, I agree, you don't need to know how bad or how low he was. You are going to worry, of course, but it is very important that he not feel you are "watching" him for signs of anything wrong. With my son, when he felt I was "watching" him he would accuse me of over-reacting and would become very self-protective and withdraw from me, which you certainly don't want to trigger. To the best of your ability, just be sensitive to any deep mood swings (emphasis on "deep") without "watching" or hovering or pressing him to "talk about it" and other than that, work with him on building and living a normal life together.

By Cocoabutter on Sunday, April 24, 2005 - 03:23 am:

I didn't read all the responses, just the first few, and I honestly wouldn't make a big deal about it. After all, he is laying his head on the pillow next to you, isn't he?

Neither my dh or me wear our rings. He lost his the first year we were married. He worked in a machine shop and only wore it on the weekends. Well, he forgot to leave it at home one Monday morning so at work he took it off and put it in his work pants pocket and off it went to the uniform cleaners in another state!

My diamond fell out of my band, and we have never set aside money to get a new one. I bought a cheap but nice looking $10 ring at Meijer just to have something on my hand to ward off any lookers and so that my finger doesn't feel naked.

By Feona on Sunday, April 24, 2005 - 06:41 am:

Sounds like the money was used for the wedding ring. Unless it was more than $100 bucks. Mens rings are pretty cheap aren't they?

By Conni on Sunday, April 24, 2005 - 07:31 pm:

Wow! I just wanted to say that I am very sorry you have been going through such a tough time. I think I would be like you an my curiousity would get the best of me. It probably is a good idea to let it go. I think you know more than likely what happened and really dont need to ask. Chances are as time goes on and you and your dh are working thru your problems he may decide to share with you what happened.

BTW- I wear different rings *all* the time. I dont like to wear my wedding ring every day. I get it caught on things and am afraid I will lose the diamond. I love silver jewelry and 2 of my favorite bands are $20 wide silver bands from Silver jewelry stores.
Sometimes my dh acts irritated but I dont think he really cares about the wedding ring-- I think he gets irritated I have bought more silver jewelry. lol

Well, good luck to you and your dh. Marraige is alot of hard work. I have already quit one marraige. I look at my Grandparents 63 yrs of marraige and my parents just celebrated 42 yrs and I know its possible to make it last! They inspire me.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Sunday, April 24, 2005 - 11:18 pm:

Feona, Yes, you can get a 100 dollar ring but they can cost a whole lot more than that too. So I don't think there is anyway to say if it was X amount of dollars you are okay.

And Ginny is 100% right... You don't want to know and you really need to try to live today and not then. It will drive you both nuts if you don't. I know details I really wish I had never heard and it causes me a lot of stress I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't been told...

By Kaye on Monday, April 25, 2005 - 09:20 am:

I think I would want to know too. Maybe the right time will come up. I think you will know. If the worst thing you are thinking is that he tossed the ring and bought a new one, then let it go.

I might say to him at some point, I am so happy to see that you are wearing a wedding ring again.

I will say that I bought my own band last year. My step mother passed away and gave me her ring before she died. It is a beautiful large diamond (bought by my father). My ring is nice, but small. We would love to have this diamond reset (along with my mothers stones) into something, but finances won't allow it. So I wear it as is, but didn't want to wear her wedding band, so I bought my own, simple small gold, just because. It did hurt hubbys feelings a touch, but he understood.

By Breann on Monday, April 25, 2005 - 12:56 pm:

I would ask. I think you should ask. If your relationship is such that you are afraid to ask such a simple questions, or afraid to bring up something that may seem "petty" to others, then it's not a real great relationship anyway. Why walk on eggshells?
Just say it looks different and ask if he had it cleaned or something.
It could be one of one-hundred different reasons. If it's bothering you, you should ask. And, if it's a simple enough answer, he shouldn't squirm when you do ask.