What is your take on this?
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What is your take on this?
If someone continues to talk down about your parenting would you cut them out of your life? I mean after several attempts to correct the problem they still couldn't get it through their head that you are not that horrible parent that they make you out to be. For 3 years I have tried to deal with my mother on this and I am just not good enough for her, she has made comments from the simplest thing (socks on their feet in the house) to huge things saying I play mind games with my children by making them go to the doctor. She has made comments about my DH, thinking he does not need to be "alone" with them, which by the way my DH has never done anything to my children, she is just really loopy.
Anyway, a few weeks ago after another incident of her trashing me, I have not talked to her since and she has left me a message and I believe she has got the point. I may have handled it immaturely but I really feel it was better to not say anything at all because I could not find the words to say to her. I will always love her, she is my mother, but I cannot put myself and more importantly my children through the negative comments anymore. I have been told more than a dozen times in a 3 year period that I am a bad mother...In those words exactly, for not putting socks on my children or whatever crazy reason.
I am finished, but now of course I have to think about how my children are going to feel about the whole grandmother thing. They have DH mom but she is alot older. I never had a grandmother, like all the other kids in school, that picked me up and took me places. I did not want my children to have to be shorted that to, but I honestly think that this is best for them...mentally. Maybe I will run into a nice lady that would want to be my kids other "grandmother" I just wonder if anyone has gone through something like this?
I am going anon because she is constantly on the internet although some of you might recall who I am.  Thanks for listening.
Dear anon ,
I can totally relate to what you are experiencing.I have went through similar issues with my Mother.You can e-mail me if you care to,s u e v 3 @ hotmail.com minus the spaces.
Think about this... is having a toxic grandmother better than none? We tend to allow family to treat us in ways we would NEVER allow a non-relative treat us. We feel guilt or anxiety over standing up for ourselves and our children/spouses when it's a family member, but blood is not a free ticket to abuse someone. I live far away from my parents, my mom has seen my kids twice, and my dad only once in almost 3 years (not because of problems, just because of the distance). Sure, it sucks that the kids don't have an active relationship with their grandparents like I did, but they'll survive. The same will hold true for your children, and they will be better off because they will not be in the middle of a toxic relationship. (((Anon))) Family issues are so hard, I'm really sorry you are going through this.
Have you ever said point blank "This is my parenting style and I think I'm doing a good job. These are my children and I know what is best for them. If you do not like the decisions that I make for them, then I'm sorry because it's not your business or your responsibility to raise them." ? My dad sometimes gets nosy with the advice (although has never put me down, that is uncalled for) and I have told him firmly that's it's not his business.
I'm so sorry that your mom makes you feel this way. Palmbch has a good point about no grandma at all, but does she talk to you like this around your children? If so, then maybe no grandma is not such a bad thing because it's not good for them to hear her put you or your dh down or second guess the decisions you make. If you have told her and told her to mind her business then maybe cutting her off will help. Maybe she can respect that you stood up for yourself. Maybe she will just be silent for a week or two and then things will get better. I hope they do, foremost for your mother-daughter relationship, and second for your children.
Our families are the most difficult relationships in our lives it seems sometimes! We love them so much and often count on them so much that problems are then compounded. Good luck! I hope everything works out for the best. Stand up for yourself! It's your life!! (((Anon)))
Yes she has said right in front of my daughter how bad I treat her (my daughter). and I have told her flat out this is the way I do it, no-one told you how to raise your children so let me be, it works for about a week then it's back to the same old thing.
How about, Mom, if you do not stop criticizing the way I raise my children - especially in front of the children - I will have to restrict your visits to Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving and birthdays. And if you still cannot stop this offensive behavior, I will think about cutting back on those visits.
First, it is not your mother's place to criticize how you are raising your children, unless you are doing something clearly dangerous or unhealthy. Second, it is always wrong to criticize a parent in front of a child - it gives the child wrong ideas about the role of the parent. Third, since you have already spoken to her about it, she is telling you, by her actions, that she doesn't care how you feel about it, she is going to do what she wants to do. (But you already know this.)
People, even mothers, have to learn and sometimes re-learn that there are consequences for behavior. You say that when you speak to her about it she stops for a week or so, and then starts again. That is the time to speak to her again, and again, and again - that is, if you want her to continue to visit and be around you and your children. And speak to her each time she does it, even in front of your children. If someone (mother or whoever) said to me in front of my child that I was treating the child badly, I would have said, in just about these words - Butt out. I am raising my daughter and it is my right to do so without your interference. You are wrong to criticize me in front of my child because you are giving her the idea that it is OK for her mother to be criticized. Stop it right now.
If you don't want to speak to her each time and find yourself less and less concerned about whether she visits or spends time with her grandchildren, then whenever she pops out with one of those oh so nice criticisms, just say, Mom, it is time for you to leave. If you cannot keep yourself from criticizing how I raise my children, then you have to go.
We moved to Philadelphia in 1966 and my parents stayed in Chicago until they moved in with me in 1992. My parents visited, oh, probably about 6 or 7 times, and we visited them a couple of times. There was frequent communication in terms of cards, and gifts at the appropriate times, but most phone communication was through me. Not that my parents were bad parents or bad grandparents - they definitely were among the best! But distance was a problem. I have always regretted that my kids didn't have the opportunity to know my parents when they were younger and more vigorous, especially my dad. But it doesn't seem to have warped my children.
My mom's mother was a toxic mother and grandmother. I mean, she was really nasty and she worked hard at it. I remember spending some time with her when I was really young, but I don't think I saw her after I was about 7 or 8. I have to tell you, I don't miss a thing. I had some minimal contact with her when I was in my mid-30's and ended it when she began criticizing my parents (which she had always done, from the stories I've heard). And again, I didn't miss her.
I hear that this is very difficult for you. You do love your mother, and I would bet she loves you. She just refuses to believe that you are an adult and that you can do a good job of raising your children, even if you do some things differently from the way she did them, and she can't or won't hold her tongue. One of the things I really valued about my parents is that when I was raising my children, even when I knew that they had witnessed something that was definitely not the way they would have done it, they held their tongues.
Oh, and the issue is not whether or not you are the horrible parent your mom makes you out to be. The issue is that your mom doesn't respect you and has so little respect for you that she makes critical remarks in front of your children, thereby interfering with the parent-child relationship. She should at least have the decency, and concern for your childrens' respect for their parents' authority, to make sure the children are out of earshot before she says anything.
OMG do we have the same MOTHER??? lol I have a severely ADHD child and for yrs my Mom just didnt get it. She told me over and over again that I just needed to be more firm with him--in other words his behavior was MY fault. I could tell you story after story where I felt like never speaking to my Mom again.
She lives 20 minutes and I finally learned to let the kids go stay with her from time to time, enjoy the holidays and bday visits, but I do NOT go shopping with my mother anymore and I dont visit her unless I have too. Terrible I know. But it is what works for us. She diefinitely calls the kids and talks to them, stops by with little gifts, etc... She loves them to death. I know she loves mein her own twisted way-- but she will always be my *Mother* and if she is around me for too long she tries to take over and MOTHER. She is a control freak basically. She does alot of the same things to my sisters as well. Needless to say we (my sis and I) are very close. lol!!
Good luck! I guess you are going to have to decide what works for you. Toxic relationships are unhealthy for you and your children. I would think about limiting visits with her. Thats just me tho.
I can relate, my father and I have not spoken in 3 years. He has met my son only once, DH brought him over for a visit. I think my father has emotional problems, he always puts me down and his behaviour at times is erratic. It's just not worth the stress of having him in my life. Sometimes it's sad not having him around, however, I hate walking on eggshells when he is. You never know from one minute to the next what kind of mood he is going to be in.
The really sad part is that he is very ill with arthritis these days and I know that he would love to see his grandchild and be apart of our lives. He knows though that in order for this to happen he has to be respectful. He once told me that DH must be sleeping around on me because he's always so nice to me. It was like he was saying that I don't deserve to have a wonderful loving man in my life.
Anyway, only you can decide what to do in your situation, but it sounds like a lot of people are going through similar things with their parents. We have to set good examples for our children that is why this is such a difficult situation to be in. Do we always try to be loving regardless of how others treat us? Or to we teach our children that we must be treated with respect? It's a fine line and I know I certainly don't have all the answers, I'm just doing the best I can for right now and I hope I'm not making a terrible mistake that I will someday regret. Good luck to you.
{{{HUGS}}} Very frustrating, I know. Perhaps this is how she's dealing with her own insecurities by taking them out on you. If alcoholism is a factor, alcoholics tend to look for faults in those around them to take the blame off themselves. I'm shooting in the dark here but I have no idea of your situation. DH had an alcoholic in his family who was quick to point out what he viewed as our parenting faults. We bit our tongues and privately laughed these comments off because this person was not an active or model parent due to his drinking. We considered the source and tried our best not to let these things bother us. Be confident in your parenting skills and don't listen to your mother. As others have mentioned, tell her she needs to be respectful to you and not undermine your authority in front of the children OR she will see LESS of them.
I feel that way toward our middle son. He drives me absolutely crazy. I want to know he is alive and okay but otherwise I don't want to hear from him. If he is not downing us about how horrible of parents we are/were, he is bragging about something he bought that he can't afford or wanting something.
I find that those with a lot of advice seem to have nothing else to talk about. Or, they themselves made a lot of mistakes while they were a parent.
But, come on...are the kids going to DIE because they don't have socks on? Sometimes I'll bring Connor with me to the store and he won't have any shoes or socks on...my MIL thought that was terrible. Well, if he can't walk or even crawl and it's hot outside, why not? (If I could go around barefoot I would...I hate shoes.)
Anyway, back on topic...I feel sorry for her. And, I'm sorry she is saying those things to you. There are no excuses to tell your own daughter that she is a bad mother. Ever.
Tell her, maybe in a letter so she won't feel so defensive and will have time to think about it, that it really hurts your feelings. And, that you'll always be her daughter and it's HER job as a mother herself to be helpful, not hurtful to her own daughter. To offer up an excuse like, "I was just trying...blah blah blah..." would be ignoring your feelings. So, if that's how she responds, just tell her to LISTEN. She wouldn't want to miss out on the grandchildren, no?
I'm pretty sure I know who you are, due to what I think are your other posts regarding a recent procedure your DD had done that we talked about. Your mom thought it was awful she had it done and has put ideas and fears of docs in your DD's head now.
It's more important that your kids have an emotionally happy, healthy mom and a healthy environment where they witness healthy, respectful relationships, than that they have a grandmother in their life! Grandparents aren't necessary in life. Good ones can be a real treat, but they're still not necessary. Also, it doesn't have to be an actual grandparent that can bring added delight to a child's life. Perhaps in time you'll find a neighbor or other relative, or mother of a friend who will end up fulfilling the role you're looking for.
It's really lousy, but your mom sounds very toxic. I can't imagine anything more detrimental than your mom degrading your parenting skills, making you doubt yourself (as with the medical procedure), and putting you down in front of the kids. She should be helping to build their respect for you, not tear it down. That is dangerous...the kids are little now...think when they are older! You're going to NEED their respect to help them thru the teen years! All of that starts now; a good foundation has to be formed. Your mom is wrecking all that and needs to be removed from your life either totally, or enough that she doesn't influence it or you. Good luck!
Thanks everyone, and yes Kate it's me. Alot of heartbreaking stuff has been going on lately. What really bothers me the most is how she doesn't even want to apologize, she just wants to call and act like nothing ever happened (I guess that is her way of dealing with it). Anyway, I think things have pretty much sorted there own way out, she is not calling and we are moving on with it. "Toxic" is a good word for her. Anyway, thanks again everyone and I am letting the fire die.
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