Do you ever get jealous of your friends?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive April 2005:
Do you ever get jealous of your friends?
I don't want to be jealous, but darn it I am. My friend is buying her first house with her boyfriend, they were approved to buy a house worth 230,000 they both have a bit of money for a down payment. When they were looking for a house I would suggest a place, and they said that they don't want a piece of junk, they want something that is all finished. I do understand that, but well they must think we bought a piece of junk if that was the case, as we are always doing reno's to something around here. My friend and I make approx the same, but her boyfriend makes quite a bit more than my dh, and they are able to go out for supper several times a week, and go out to the bar's ( not that , that is appealing to me) but they go out. I know our circumstances are different, they are just starting out, and we have been at it for 21 years, and we have 2 more mouths to feed. I called over to talk one night to see what she was up to, and she said they were just hanging out looking through the catelog, for lawn mowers, expensive ones at that. It makes me feel like she thinks she is rich, and it is not her money. I know one thing the reality of owning a home, and all the expenses that comes with a house, will hit them with insurances, taxes, repairs. I do remmember when we bought our first house and the excitement involved, which makes me feel bad for feeling jealous. 
I am jealous of some two of my friends, but for different reasons. They are skinny and I am not. One is pregnant, but will look like she didn't have a baby when she is done, and one has two kids and doesn't even look like she did. I had one kid and still look like I am pregnant.
lol, I had three and I look like I am 8 months preganant most days all depends on my stomach problems, thanks you made me laugh
As far as her thinking you bought a junker. Well ya know, when we were looking it was very important to have a nice ready to move into house. Not necessarily because we were snobs, but in all reality things would never get done, my hubby is NOT mr fix it and we are both terrible at finishing projects, so we dont' even start. I admire people who redo houses, but we never will.
It is hard to see people being so luxurious, especially when you are feeling the crunch. But I will say no matter what price bracket you are in, there is alway that issue, someone always has more. I try to surround myself with friends from both levels, it is nice to see both sides and appreciate both what I have and what I don't have.
I was jealous of my friend who was born into money but I later realized she was a bit embarrassed about the fact that her parents bought her house, car, furniture and pay her insurance, registration, mortgage and everything else but gas and groceries. She may have more than me when you look but I feel like I have more because we earned every bit of what we have. Nothing has ever been bought for DH and I. She now has a baby due in November and while she's married and doesn't live with her parents, they are still very dependent on them and hasn't quite "grown up" so it will be interesting to see how that turns out.
I'm not much of a jealous person. I mean, I hate seeing girls my age that don't have kids because they still have hot bodies and perky boobs but it's more of a healthy jealousy. I can admire that they still have their youth while mine is slowly deteriorating, lol.
I can honestly say I am not jealous of my friends. True, some of them make more money than we do, and some live in much nicer homes, but I am happy with who I am and what I have. I'm not saying I don't *wish* for a new car, or a nicer house sometimes, but I truly am not jealous.
Ya know I don't get jealous of friends or other people who seemingly have more than we do. I really try to make the effort to be happy with what I have. DH sometimes gets caught up in the nice cars, clothes and things in general. We are so fortunate to live where we live. There are so many other people out there who were born in places that I don't even want to think about. I could post a ton of examples, but I'm sure you know what I mean.
It might seem to you that your friend has more than you do, people sometimes only show you the good things that are going on in their lives. How do you know that she is not swamped in credit card debt and terribly stressed about it? She could have problems in her personal life that she does not share with you. She might even be envious of the relationshiip you have with your husband and the great family you have.
I don't want to sound preachy but oh well here goes. You are sitting here right now in front of your computer, how incredible is that?! You can talk with moms all over the world. Moms who are for the most part sitting in comfortable homes and if they can afford a computer it's more than likely they can afford a home, clothing and food for their kids. There will always be someone who is better off than you are, there are truly people out there for sure that don't have nearly what you have and think that you are probably incredibly rich.
I went to Cuba a few years ago, we were far from our resort but we wanted to take a horse and carriage back to our hotel. The two men we approached did not realize that we understood Spanish. When we asked in English if they would be willing to take us to our hotel they said to each other "These people are so rich, of course they can afford it." It cost us $6 U.S.
Think of all the wonderful things you have in your life and try to stop worrying about what others have. Take a note book and for 1 week create a grateful journal, everyday write down 5 things your are grateful for. Review it everytime you start to feel like you don't have what you think you need or want.
The only thing that I get jealous over is my best friend is so much thinner than I am. I have been having real issues with my weight lately. If I see someone that I haven't seen in quite a while, I will do everything I can to avoid them because I am so embarrassed by the way I look. Silly I know.
We also don't have a lot of money. We have a house that is around 70 years old, and it is in need of some improvement. My house is the one major thing I am embarassed about.
I have an issue with my weight too, but only when I look at skinny people. There are a lot of people heavier than I am, and when I see them, I am SO thankful I am not that big. I get around pretty well. I am 5'1" and weigh 178 lbs. I dropped 5 lbs in the last month walking my dog, and now that I am getting over my cold, I need to get back out there and start over.
I have two friends who are skinny, but they are so nice that I don't feel bad about myself when I am around them.
As for your friend, I wouldn't feel jealous of her AT ALL. She is entering into a major debt situation with a guy she is not married to. At least you have a husband who is taking care of you. If it doesn't work out, she could get screwed. My neighbor had that happen to her. The mortgage was in her name first and her boyfriend wouldn't sign off on it so that she could sell the house, so she had to wait for the bank to forclose on her and ruin her credit.
I didn't grow up with a lot of emphasis on material value, so I don't care about designer labels or having the best or better than someone else. If it looks nice, I buy it. If it matches, I wear it. Especially now that I have a family, which in and of itself is a growing experience. She sounds a bit immature. Life will hit her one way or the other. Their social life might come to a screeching halt, at least all the going out and eating and drinking and dancing will have to stop (why buy a house like that if you are never going to be home?) and when it does she will either be mad, or she may come to understand what really matters in this world (maybe when the dk comes along?), and it's not having the most expensive lawn mower.
My BIL just bought a house, and his payments are $400 more a month than ours. Nope, I'm not jealous.
Not jealous, but sometimes envious. Can't say that when my friends do a whole new kitchen remodel, that I don't get a little pang, cause I am dying to redo my kitchen or when another puts in a swimming pool cause I would love to have one too. I think (hope) that's human nature. I am not pining away or not being friends with them over it. I am happy for them. I also don't judge them because they have that stuff and rationalize that they must be missing somethng in their lives.
LLLLOOOOONNNNGGGG POST
(I GOT A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY, BUT I LEFT IT LONG BECAUSE IT IS HONESTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS ISSUE)
We bought a "fixer upper" house and we are "fixin' her up"! BUT we have low house payment and we will own our house in 4/2008. We have old cars, I have an old beat up station wagon and sometimes I DO feel embarrassed when I pull up at church beside all the nice pretty SUV's parked in a row. I am fantasizing about buying a brand new SUV after the house is paid off and making payments on it instead of a house payment. A Brand New SUV With ALL the PERKS!
But then I listen to these same folks say they are struggling with debt and going to the "how to be debt free" classes at church and I see them both, the Moms and the Dads, working outside the home to pay for the things they have and I realize that it is a trade off. I do not fault the way other folks live, it is certainly a viable choice if someone wants to make that choice. I just see how the choices come with decisions and responsibilities that I decided not to make.
What I mean is: yes, I have a "fixer upper" house, but is it not a bad house, it is a 3/2 with a garage, basement, fenced in back yard, decent neighborhood built in 1982. And yes, I have a "clunker" of a car, but it is paid for, it runs remarkably well, my car taxes are minimal and so is my car insurance.
Now, I could choose to sell my house for about 180,000 and put that money down on a house for 250,00 and live in a bit better neighborhood down the street AND I could also choose to put some money down and buy a SUV on credit, I have a good credit rating, as does my husband and he works for a large, reputable cooporation. And there have been times when I have been embarrassed about the car or tired of thinking about the next home repair and these thoughts have run through my mind, I mean, why not???? at those times, it seems like "everybody else is doing it"!!
But then, I think about finding a full time job to pay the car payment and the house payment and the wardobe to wear to the full time job and the childcare to pay for the full time job and how much I would miss my kids and the increase in car insurance and homeowners insurance because of the risen value in the property and having the full time job on top of trying to maintain a bigger home, not to mention furnishing it and keeping up the bigger yard and paying the association dues to use the pool, etc.
And I just....I don't know...I don't mean to fault folks who live that way, I just don't think it is for me. Maybe I am a "miser" or something but I would rather know that I have some cash in the bank, not a lot, but enough for a financial emergency should one arise, I like spending my time raising my kids and not worrying about whether or not I will have to pay the late fee at the daycare because my boss wants me to work late. I like having the security of knowing that I own both of my "old clunker cars" and when I get the tag bill and I can pay it or is there is a car repair, it is inconveinant, but it is not a catastrophe. My H and I can share a car while the other is getting repaired because I don't have a corporate boss drumming his fingers on his desk wondering "where is my secretary??" I can take H to work, drop the kids off at school and get home whenever I get home. We usually have two cars but when one dies, we have shared a car and it has been okay.
I want to take vacations without going into debt. When my kids have great behavior, or have some wonderful accomplishment, I want to be able to be there for it. And, mostly, I will drive the clunker and live in the fixer upper and let all that lovely cash pile up in the bank so when my kids are older, I can give them a good start in life.
I know this is long, a lot of folks may not even read it, it is so long, but I have really, really, put a lot of thought into this because America is SUCH a great country of opportunity and it is important to me to realize that if I really wanted the "finer things" in life and if I wanted to work full time and make the monthly payments, I could have them. What A GREAT LUXURY to have the choice.
But eventhough there are those **wistful sighs** occasionally over "her new manicure" or "her beautiful new car" or over wearing my same dress for the third time in a row, overall, it is the choice I have made, and I like being so close to living "debt free"!!
It is exciting to me that the only payment of debt I have is my house payment, only til 4/2008, my utilities, my gas in my car, groceries, insurances, and pet care costs.
And sometimes I tease my husband and tell him I am going to paint my old 1986 Oldsmobile station wagon BRIGHT PINK!! Then I am not someone driving an old clunker, I am an eccentric driving an original!!
Anyway, I know this is long but I have given it a lot of thought, and when I feel those "pangs" of jealousy, and I have, I definitely have, I just try to remember why I have chosen this lifestyle and overall, I still think I made the right decision for me.
MM
Don't give those folks a second thought. If you have some time read some books that talk about how the rest of the world views our country. Confessions of an Economic Hitman, by John Perkins is a good one. It will give you a whole new view of "things and stuff" and living large.
Well, I am not insane with jealousy, it all started when my friends mom passed away, and left an inheritance, and she started to go to the mall, buying this and that, and going out for lunch, calling me and telling me about all the things she bought. I am not so sure if it was jealousy or discusted that I felt that she was just dwindling away the money little by little. I don't know really how I feel, I hear what you are all saying, and I don't care if my friends have more than me, I just don't need the placea attitude of oh I am going to order this and I am going to order that, when I know I make just as much as her, and I know where she got the money. I know she has to spend it somewhere but,,,,,,,, shopping for clothes the kid doesn't need??
Maybe this is how she is dealing with her grief. Death does strange things to people.
And sometimes I tease my husband and tell him I am going to paint my old 1986 Oldsmobile station wagon BRIGHT PINK!! Then I am not someone driving an old clunker, I am an eccentric driving an original!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Do it!! Seriously!  My family had an old K-car when I was a teenager and it was ugly. I cut out a stencil of a wing and painted a golden wing right behind the back seat windows on each side. Considering how fast it didn't go it was funny. On the Firefly I owned about 8 years ago I bought vinyl letters and put 'SuperFly' in the back window. I'm thinking about what I can do to our 'new' '91 Caravan now.
And you're right, instead of feeling like hiding behind the steering wheel you feel like a real rebel. The other moms may all have the same big shining SUVs but you've got this symbol of your outrageousness. And all your symbol cost was about the same as one of their monthly car payments.
If you do yours, I'll do something to mine. And post pics.
I love this topic. I often feel like a "have-not" because of the choices I've made. DH and I are both artists and it's been a long road getting ourselves together financially. I have not been a slave to materialism or "keeping up with the jones's" because I value my personal freedom too much. But I must admit that with another one on the was I really want to own my OWN house!!!! I am renting and I do find myself obsessing about the co-worker who is ten years younger than me and just bought a house or my neighbor who is renovating her 3 story victorian.
Heaventree, I loved your post on this-preach on sistah! It really put things into perspective.
I'd like to read that book Confessions of an Economic Hitman, by John Perkins.I'm going to look for it.
A few years ago I had an old pontiac station wagon that was a hand-me-down from my parents and I painted that car bright safety orange, like the safety cones.That was outrageous!
I've been thinking about this thread since the first post, and I'm still not sure what I think or feel. One thing I do think, Mrse, is that your friend is being more than a little untactful and unkind in telling you about all she has or is buying when she probably knows full well that you and dh are in a different financial position. I would be peeved about this, myself.
I do find myself envying people sometimes - people who can afford to do things I can't afford, like a trip to Europe or a tropical island vacation. And I think maybe envy is a better word than jealousy (maybe because jealousy is usually thought of as a not nice emotion to have or express).
On the other hand, I have a long-time friend whose husband is a professional making a very high salary and they have one of those homes and life-styles I would envy, made possible by his income (and family trust funds). But I remember a conversation with her several years ago where she told me that she had thought several times about leaving him but knew that he would use his money and position to battle her into the ground about custody and support issues, which she couldn't face. For me, while I think my ex could have paid more support than he did, he did pay a reasonable amount of support and paid it faithfully every month for as long as he was required to, didn't battle me about it, and didn't battle me about custody.
So I think maybe you can find some things in your life that you wouldn't trade for the money things she has, and maybe some things in your life that she might see as a good trade-off for money things.
BTW, I like the idea of making an old car into a joke or "statement". That is a fun idea and a definite expression of a personality that makes lemonade from the lemons life often deals us.
This is a tough one. Occasionally I have twinges of envy for me friends. I think it is normal because we see our faults so easily, but others can seem perfect.
I have 2 friends that sometimes make me envious, but I try to realize that their lives are not perfect. One of my friends has a lot of money and it bothers me sometimes to see all her clothes, furniture, etc. But then I realized that her and her husband are miserable together, and I thanked God right then that I wasn't her. They buy things to make them happy, but I have a wonderful marriage and family that makes me happy.
Rayanne- You MAY need to lose a little weight(as many of us do) , but I have seen pictures of you, and you certainly do not look pregnant. You are so pretty!
I get depressed about my weight a lot too, but my husband said something to me the other day that cheered me a little. He said- "if you want to join a gym, buy a treadmill, or whatever just do it. I just wish when you looked in the mirror, you would see what I see!"
Oh that is so nice!!!!!!!!!
Jelygu
It is nice what your husband said, now I'M JEALOUS! (just kidding) I am 100 pounds overweight but I have lost my first 20 since January.
Hmmmm, until now I have been joking but now, I really AM thinking of painting the car......and PINK is my favorite color. Maybe this summer I will break down and really do it.....
Funny story about pink cars:
A long time ago when our kids were little H and I traveled to Key West Florida. We were playing at counting cars a long the way. H picked different colors, white, black ,red etc. and the kids would spot cars that particular color he picked until they got tired of it and then we picked a new color...okay, well, I always picked pink and it got to be kind of a joke along the way on the road trip because we did not see one pink car all the way to Key West...then...as we arrive in Key West...there is a taxi service and GUESS WHAT COLOR ALL THE TAXIS WERE???!!! Yep, PINK!!! Suddenly, PINK CARS all over the place! It was kinda funny.
I am sorry Mrse that you are having such a hard time with your friend.
Maybe she is trying a find a way to start a new life and she is spending the money to give herself a different appearance or something, grief does strange things to people.
MM
I used to be jealous of one friend who has always been very galmourous and although i am not bad looking myself, she would wear really nice clothes that would make her stand out always. I am not bothered about this anymore as we both lead different lives and i am very very happy with mine. However, she got pregnant last year (we are still in contact but don't live in the same country) and her partner already owns his house which they are now selling in order ot get a bigger and nicer appartment in the centre of Barcelona. This made me jealous again because me and my partner don't own our house! we are still renting and because of the prices in London it's very much unlikely that we will ever own a house in London. Nevertheless, we are planning to go back to Mexico and buy a piece of land to build our dream home. What made me jealous is that we are really struggling to save money to build our life and my friend doesn't seem to realise how lucky she is to already own a property.
That said, I agree with Melissa: for us it has been the same, nobody has given us anything so everything we have we have earned (at least my dh because i am a SAHM). I truly love my life and wouldn't change it for the world
Ladies, please allow me to take my foot out of my mouth so that I may apologize for my post above. It occurred to me today out of the blue as I was thinking about this thread. I am sorry if anyone reading was offended in any way when I gave my height and weight and said that I am always thankful when I see heavier women that I am not that big. If you had already felt bad about being heavy, I certainly didn't help! Weight can be a touchy issue, and I didn't mean to make anyone feel worse about it, if I did.
I should also clarify that I am sure Mrse's friend is just excited to move into a new home. I guess anyone would be excited given how nice a home it will be. So, I didn't mean to be critical of her or her decision to take this path in life. I know I am not alone when I tend to look at the rich folk and assume that they are materialistic, but that doesn't make it okay to do so. Maybe her bf really loves her and wants to make her happy. It's just that life always manages to hit you in the face somehow, like it did when her mom passed away, and hopefully when the responsibilities of a home and eventually a family hit her, she will be less concerned with buying the most expensive anything and more concerned with doing her best as a responsible adult.
Yes, I tend to apologize a lot b/c I tend to open my mouth and insert my foot, only to realize it when it's too late. Character flaw, I guess.
Don't all the MaryKay ladies have pink cars?
I just read Ginny's post, and I have to say something here..... when I was married to my X, we struggled for a number of years with 4 kids to support, 2 of them with medical problems. My X was fooling around and our relationship was in the toilet for most of those years. Then he got a new job paying twice what his previous job did. I was working and I did the math. I could afford to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship with the child support he would be paying.
Point being - if I had stayed with him, we could have had a VERY nice, larger home, and I could have been a SAHM. However - I would have continued to be in an emotionally abusive relationship with an adulterous control freak.
So, yes, it would be easy to be envious or jealous of someone with a nicer home or new cars, etc., but true happiness comes from within, with accepting who you are and the relationships you have with your family and friends, not from having a beautiful house that you really can't afford. I have a close friend who just bought a fantastic home after living in a trailer for over 20 years. She has always told me she was jealous of me and she thinks I am *so strong*, since I walked away from my X's money, and worked my butt off to keep my tiny little house which SO needs some renovations. Her issues with having a beautiful house go way back to her childhood.
And as I am constantly digressing here (LOL), I just want to say that her house note is almost THREE times what mine is, and they are going to struggle mightily to pay it every month, but on some level, she feels inferior unless she has this particular type of house and she is willing to struggle to be *happy*.
Yes, her house is absolutely gorgeous, I would LOVE to live in a home like that, but NO, I am not jealous, because I can pay my house note monthly with no worries and I can spend money on other things if I want to.
There's always a tradeoff in life - you can live within your means even if it means having less material things than your friend, or you can be happy with your physical appearance and clothes, even if they are not as *attractive* as your friends' are. Or you can constantly compare what you have or don't have, or what you do or don't look like, to your friends and relatives, and live in a constant state of misery because you ARE comparing these things. Or you can take stock, feel comfortable with who you are, what you have, and know that you have a good life despite those other things. Life is short - priorities matter, and we all need to get our priorities straight.
Sorry if *I* have opened mouth - inserted foot here, but that's the way I feel. :-)
Ok, different take here. Please don't anyone take this personally because I am not meaning that at all. I wanted to stay out of this, but for some reason, I keep coming back to it. I hope I don't regret it.
I guess you could call me one of those that have a very nice life style. It has not always been this way. Dh and I have been married for almost 18 years and it has only been the past 5 or so that we have been set with finances. Nothing has ever been handed to us and we have worked and struggled and taken chances to get where we are today. I have been a SAHM for 9 years and we did struggle at first for me to be that. I have been on both sides of the fence so to speak.
My opinion, those of you that are envious or jealous or what ever you want to call it. That is completely about you and not your friends. There is something in your life that is making you feel that way. Mrse, if this person is really your friend, why can't you just be happy for her instead of reading more into it? Don't assume that she is putting you down because she is talking to a friend about something she is excited about! We can afford to do many things that my friends can't do. Does that mean I shouldn't tell them about a vacation that we have planned that I am excited about and looking forward to? Does that mean I can't have them over because my house might seem "better" in their eyes and it might make them feel bad? If I had to be on my guard all the time because of how it might be taken by someone, they wouldn't be very "true" friends now would they? And don't assume that because we might be ok with our finances that I can't be happy also. I have a wonderful husband and he is a wonderful father. My life is going along pretty good at the moment. LOL We do not buy our happiness. We would be just as happy with each other in a card board box!
We are one of those that didn't want to buy a fixer up when we bought our first home. Not because we ever thought for a second that we were better than that or that it was beneath us. The simple reason we didn't want a fixer up is that it takes money and time to have one of those. Dh is NOT handy with things like that, so we would have had to pay someone to come fix our house up! That would have been more money than just buying a home that was already in great shape. So don't read more into that either, that might be their reasoning too.
I guess long story short is at least from personal experience, your friends that might have more than you do not look down on you. They do not think they are better than you. They love you because they are your friends. They are happy for you when something good happens to you or when you are excited about something. Just be the same thing to them!!
Like Vicky, we are *finally* in a good place with our finances. After 12 years of marriage and countless financial struggle. We have worked hard to be where we are and done without many times. This past year we bought a boat. This year we bought all new appliances and are having a pool installed--actually it will be done this week.
We were considering moving but decided after all we have done on the house, moving wouldn't make us happier (not to mention having a higher mortgage) so instead we got an inground pool.
Many of my friends are so happy for us. They know how hard we worked to get here.
But...Some act jealous and resentful. One even asked when we would "run out of money". The friend that made that comment is always wasting her money. Every week she complains that she is broke. My friend never goes on vacations, never has new furniture and is always in a crisis situation when something breaks. Yet, she buys take-out food, shops at convenience stores, and does so many things we would not do. She even goes to those paycheck cashing places! They declared bankruptcy a few years ago so I do not know how much debt they can really have other than their mortgage.
I am a stay at home mom. My hubby makes less than she and her husbands combined income. It is not about us making more money--we do not. It is about skipping convenience items or wasteful spending. We make a list of what we want and budget until it happens.
I do not try to rub it in anyone's face but of course I am thrilled to get all this work done.
We did buy a fixer upper and 75% of the labor was done by ME not hubby. We have worked hard to have our home the way we want. We do not have credit cards. We keep our debt to a minimum and this is what makes us happy. It didn't happen immediately. It is just now that our home is becoming what we wanted--after 10 years of owning it.
I have looked at other people things with envy but will take my life any day.
I do think that having friends that show their jealousy can be hard to deal with. I mean how can you respond to it?
Vicki,I totally agree. When I get those pangs it's cause they are doing something that I want to do. Remodel, great vacation whatever, but it's my issue not the person's. I would never end a friendship because my friend got to go on a great trip or remodel.
Ditto ditto ditto, Vicki!
We are at a point where we aren't worrying as much about our living expenses, but instead are worrying more about retirement.
I'd love to sell my house and get a newer, smaller place for just DH and I in the next few years, but for now, we will stay where we are, concentrate on hopefully renovating some of the house, and keep our debt to a minimum so we can enjoy life, and enjoy NOT being slaves to a high mortgage.
And many people don't realize, that so many of the people who appear to *have it all* are living way beyond their means and are probably more stressed about keeping up their appearances than you would imagine.
For those who have done it the hard way, kudos to you, you earned it!
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