Calling Miss Manners
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive April 2005:
Calling Miss Manners
We are always getting wedding invitations, graduation invitations, etc. from kids who used to be a part of our youth ministry and are all grown up now. 'Tis the season! Anyway, we just recently got a wedding invitation and as I pulled it from the envelope several small pieces of paper fell out. Imagine my surprise when I saw that the each told where the couple had registered for gifts!! I just think that is so tacky and this is from an upper-class family with good taste and I would have never expected such. Here's the thing though: the cards were pre-printed and perforated from places like Target and Linens 'n Things, so obviously the stores are providing couples with these cards.
Have you ever seen this? Don't you think if they are used (which I don't agree with) then a shower invitation would be more appropriate than a wedding invitation? Opinions?
Also, since we get a higher than average amount of invitations to weddings and graduations, does anyone have an idea for an inexpensive, but personal gift that we can get for everyone. Keep in mind that we live off of a minister's salary and I'm in school so there's not much extra money floating around. Even at $10/each we are looking at $300-400 for graduates alone, so I need creativity!  We get overwhelmed with our high school kids graduating, but then when you add on former youth who are graduating college it is a killer. I am willing to make something too if anyone has good ideas. TIA!
I agree, I think it would only be appropriate for a shower invite.
Do you have a TJMax or Marshall's in your area? They have silver frames at a great price. You could either give them blank or with the invitation framed inside.
I am thinking about this for some high school grad gifts this year. Hobby Lobby has linen and/or cloth purses for something like $3. I am going to get embroidered letters and then sew and or craft glue their first initial on it.
Pam oh Pam, don't get me started on what's happened to manners and weddings these days. My mother and I are currently hosting (ha!) a wedding shower for my cousin, but it's really hosting in name only. The bride and the bride's mother asked us to host the shower (a relative!), decided the theme, created the invitations, are telling us where to have it and what to serve - bringing us recipes to what we are to make - everything! It's a joke. My mother tried to insert some of her own ideas early on, but was quickly snuffed. We just do what we're told now. I've asked around and other "hostesses" are getting the same thing. Asked to host but just end up doing what they are told by the honoree and her mother.
So as to your invitations...I'm not surprised.
Don't have any suggestions on the gifts. I'd just get the seniors a card with a bookmark in it since there are so many.
We have received invitations to 3 weddings this spring, 1 is tonight, so obviously we are not going, and that one had the exact same thing you are talking about - in fact, I am looking at it right now! Dillards, Bed, Bath & Beyond and WalMart!
The same person's mother (who is my next-door neighbor) sent out EMAIL PRE-shower invitations and listed the places the girl is registered, THEN mailed shower invitations with the same info, now the wedding invitations with the little cards falling out.
It has really rubbed me the wrong way. I know in the past, if someone was registered somewhere, it was mentioned in the shower invitation, but this is the first wedding invitation I have received that *reads* like a beg for a gift.
BTW, I have not bought anything for her!
It would rub me the wrong way too.
I can't imagine that all the kids expect you to actually get them a gift. They have to know how many invites you have received. Cards alone are going to cost you a fortune. I will suggest that if you have a good printer you go get a program to make the cards. I use Hallmark & it has saved us a lot of money this year.
I can see putting them in the shower invite but never in the wedding invitation. Most people who come to the wedding were already invited to the shower so why would you send something like that twice?
Tacky, tacky tacky. Everyone knows you're supposed to give money to a couple for their wedding (well, only if you're Italian from NY)
Registry info is usually only for a shower invite. If the couple did not have a shower, I could see a small pre printed card that matched the invite mentioning where the couple had registered.
They know you want to give them gift anyway, why not let it be something they would like?
Ditto the Marshalls, and card-making ideas. Also HomeGoods has a lot of neat stuff.
Ame
To put the kindest interpretation on it, they are sending you the invitations to let you know of a milestone on their lives, as you and dh were important parts of their lives, and don't know about or don't want to spend on "announcement" cards.
Now, according to Miss Manners and Emily Post, just because someone sends you an invitation, you don't have to attend, and you are not "obligated" to send a gift - especially if you don't attend. What you are pretty much obligated to do is send a note with your regrets that you will not attend, and your congratulations and best wishes. You might include in the note a scripture verse that is relevant to the situation (surely you and dh can come up with a list), which might just send some of them back to their Bibles. (You might even put the verse in a fancy font with a fancy frame on the computer and print it out as an enclosure to your note.) I say obligated because of dh's and your roles in their lives - we do place special burdens on clergy and this is, I am afraid, one of them. In general, if one receives an invitation to an event where one knows the honoree or a member of the honoree's family, courtesy does require a response. There are very inexpensive programs for making and printing cards if it is not built into your wordprocessing program, and if you get a ream (500 sheets) of some really nice paper and envelopes, you should be set for a couple of years, and could include the scripture verse, in fancy font, as part of the card.
As for wedding invitations (or even shower invitations) that in any way ask for money or gifts or specify gifts, here is a recent column from Miss Manners, in which she says, in part:
"Miss Manners is sorry to have to tell them all that she does not have a gracious and tactful extortion plea in her files, and that their qualms about sounding tacky, greedy and crude are fully justified. Only gimme-pigs regard their wedding guests as cash cows."
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A21948-2005Apr2.html
When I was being involved in showers and stuff (and hope to be involved in another one before long), the general understanding was that you called the hostess or the bride's or mother-to-be's mother and asked what the honoree would like or where they were registered. And in my family, at least, giving cash or gift certificates or gift cards was (and pretty much is) a real no-no - it means that you don't care enough about the person to figure out what they would like. On the other hand, I often give my sons gift cards for some special thing they want, and sometimes we, as a family, agree on gift cards from one particular store for the member whose birthday is coming up when we know that birthday person really wants something that no single one of us could afford. And I was thrilled to get very generous gift cards from my bosses last Christmas.
Oh, and if you really want to include a gift, can you find some nice but inexpensive crosses and chains? I am sure there are church supply houses that have them.
I've never gotten those registry cards in a wedding invitation, only in a shower invite. I didn't think it was appropriate to put them in the wedding invitation. It almost makes you feel like 'if you can't make the wedding, send us a gift from *Target* or wherever'.
As far as gifts for like your seniors, I would check into buying something bulk from a christian bookstore or something. My youth pastors gave all the seniors this little book of God's promises. I still have mine and have pulled it out during rough times and remembered those youth pastors, too. Not sure how expensive that would be though.
What about making your own bookmarks with a favorite scripture or a motivational quote? You can buy pre-made bookmarks in bulk, print out what you want on them on the computer (maybe even on labels?), and stick them on. They're so small you could have them laminated at your local teacher store or office store cheap.
Or, do you have a group photo? You could have it reprinted in multiples and put them in the .99 plastic stand up frames. Even do a bubble paint embellishment with the year or church name, etc.
To put the kindest interpretation on it, they are sending you the invitations to let you know of a milestone on their lives, as you and dh were important parts of their lives, and don't know about or don't want to spend on "announcement" cards.
Oh please don't misunderstand! We LOVE getting the invitations because we love to hear what "our kids" are up to and it makes us feel very special that they think to include us in the milestone events in their lives. We still keep in touch quite regularly with kids all over the country who are now in their mid-20s and living phenomenal lives. Just yesterday we got a graduation invitation for a kid who's graduating with a B.S. in Mass Media Studies. He actually signed the formal invitation with "Robert, I thought you'd like to see what the kid you taught to run the sound (in youth worship services) is up to these days. Thanks for giving me a start." We both LIVE for moments like these . It's just that all of these kids are so special and we'd like to give some small personal token and just get overwhelmed at it all. But...I guess a heartfelt card explaining how much they've meant to our lives is really the best gift. It's certainly what we enjoy most. I mainly just thought the registry thing was tacky, not the invitations at all.
Thanks ladies!
Yeah, I think it's tacky. But all the invitations we have received the past year or so have had those in it..
Just the new normal I guess.
Registering for wedding gifts is not unmannerly, but this information is only shared when asked....never in an invitation. If you were invited to a wedding or shower etc. and called to inquire about what the bride or couple needed, the proper response from them would be, "Thank you. We are registered at ??????."
Do you have photos of these former students? Could you bulk buy frames, and with your computer, create a framed memory for them?
Pam, as morbid as this may seem, I started viewing your dilemma under the circumstances when my mom died. There was nothing that anyone could say or do or give that would be 'just right' but the letters from others that told me how much my mom meant in their lives meant so much.
I truly believe that a heartfelt, well thought out letter from you and your dh telling that child/graduate what they meant to you and how proud you are of their accomplishments (with even an ancedote) would go so much farther than a GC or present.
I have to agree with Jann.. A letter is alot of work and very nice...
I like to give picture frames. ALong the same theme as Ginny, what about a cross to hang in their bedroom? I know some churches give them at weddnigs, but I am sure not all. They aren't that expensive.
Yes, very tacky to send the papers for registries in the invite.
Found the perfect gift!!
this is for the graduates. (you could buy in bulk!)
https://www.booksofthebible.com/p1849.html
one of these could be for wedding presents
https://www.booksofthebible.com/p4072.html
https://www.booksofthebible.com/p1286.html
https://www.booksofthebible.com/p3908.html
https://www.booksofthebible.com/p656.html
I gave one of my nephews a letter when he graduated from school quoting an amusing story from his childhood that reflected on his personality now as a young man. I also enclosed a photo from that same day. He has them both framed on his desk at school.
I think memories are the best things we can share. And yes, that was very tacky to put in an invite. I had an invite that said they weren't registered because they only wanted money - tacky, tacky!
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