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Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive April 2005: Need some advice on a middle school situation...
Hi everyone, I am brand spanking new here and I need advice. I have a twelve year old daughter that is being picked on at school. The school consists entirely of sixth graders. Then they go to the actual middle school in seventh grade. My heart is just breaking for her and I don't know what to do about it. She trys hard to fit in and there is always the one group of kids that try to make life miserable for others, and they pick on my daughter. She has such low self esteem because of this, she is a beautiful girl, inside and out. I tell her it's true and she says that I tell her that because I'm her mother. Without going into too much detail since this is my first post, I'd like to know what you would do in my situation. Being a mom I don't want her to be miserable and sad, and I want to talk to the principal. She doesn't want me to because she doesn't want to be labeled a tattle tale. I speak from experience having been teased and I don't want my daughter to go through the same thing. I notice that a few of you are former teachers, what advice do you have for me? This has been going on for some time and I want to put a stop to it without making things worse!
I feel for you. My dd was teased by some girls when she started middle school. I told her that she is beautiful and usually when girls tease another girl it's because they are jealous of her. I told her to not react, totally ignore them, and after they found they couldn't get a reaction they'd leave her alone. I would speak to the principal or guidance department if it continues. Maybe they can observe the situation and straighten it out without the girls knowing that you called. good luck!
Bump
I really think you have 2 choices here. One, help teach her coping skills and what to do when it happens and two, go to the school and let them know what is going on. I do know (at least at our school) when you do go in and talk to them about something, they try to approach it in a way that the kids don't know which parent talked with them about it. If this group of girls are doing this to your dd, I would be willing to bet there are others that are their targets also. Does she have any friends at all that she hangs around with? Whtat is she currently doing when they start picking at her? I am so sorry that she is dealing with this. As much as I hate to say it, girls can be so much worse at this stuff than boys. They can be so petty and just plain mean and nasty to each other. I hope things get better for her.
Does your school have a zero tolerance policy on bullying? If so, they will be really receptive to you talking to them, even if it's just an appointment with the counselor to brain storm on how best to handle the situation.
Right now she is just walking away from them. She is just like me in that she wears her heart on her sleeve and takes things to heart. I had such high hopes for this school because it is all of the sixth graders from all of the elementary schools and I figured that she would meet a bunch of new girls and would have a blast. Well, yesterday she walks up to this table at lunch where she used to sit to be friendly and one of the girls said where is your "girlfriend". They are taking cheap shots at her because she has these two girls she hangs around with. My dd has a list of things that are "wrong" with her that she says she needs to correct. I feel so bad for her. You are right, they can be just mean and nasty. It's like a pecking order and they have to make sure that they are at the top of their game is the way I see it and this in sixth grade! She stays in at recess or goes to the library, mainly. Have any of you had experience with this with your own children?
I can't think of any real advice, just that most of us have BTDT. I was teased horribly in 6th grade, because that was when I developed, ahead of most of the girls in my class (most of us had been together since pre-school). My mom says I used to come home crying, but it passed fairly quickly. What are they teasing her about? Are there any specific things that you know of? That age is so hard, we females can be so horrible to each other, and that's around the age it starts. Can she participate in clubs or sports? Maybe joining a group of girls with similar interests will help her gain "acceptance", or at least give her self esteem.
I can't say that I was never picked on really. Maybe some rude comments because I didn't wear the most expensive clothes that were being made at the time. We just didn't have the money for me to have the expensive things. I did have nice stuff, just not the hottest things. But, I rarely let it get to me and was still a cheerleader and stuff like that. Now, my best friends weren't the cheerleaders. I was kind of in the middle and had the high class friends as well as some they considered to be lower class. I guess I have always had tough skin and didn't let the pettiness get to me. I was also careful not to dish it out either. My own dd is only in the 4th grade and I haven't had to deal with this with her yet either. I pray that I never have to. I would say that she is very much like me. She has many different friends from all the walks of life. She goes to middle school next year and that is when the 3 different elem school join together. So I might be where you are next year. I also wonder what she feels are her list of things that are wrong with her? Is there anything that you can do on that list to help her self esteem? A sports team or something similar is also a great idea. Is she in anything like that?
Kelly, there are some great books out there for dealing with girls relationships. One I have read is called Best Friends, Worst Enemies. It is for both girls and boys. It has good examples of working with your kids to deflect teasing and bullying. Good luck, my heart breaks that your daughter has to go through this. The book also deals with when to talk to the school and other good advice.
You all have some really great advice. She was outside the other day at recess trying to play tether ball, some of the kids were telling her that she was afraid of the ball and afraid of hitting it so she should go back inside. I don't know about the sports thing. But I know I've got to find something. I believe that for the most part when she comes around they leave. Like at lunch or recess. They are all maturing at different rates, and while me dd is slower than the others maturity wise physically and emotionly I think this has alot to do with it. If your not in the "In group". When I was her age, I didn't know how to use a curling iron, mom still bought my clothes at Sears, and I got brown running shoes with the white racing stripe instead of blue because mom said they went with everything! The first day of 7th grade I got on the bus and these kids starting teasing me about having big lips. Yes you heard right. Now these days everyone is getting injections to plump up theres. It was something they could key on and they used that to torment me, this lasted for all the years I was in middle school and high school, I hated school, I was always trying to figure out ways to stay home. If my mom called the school then we would get prank calls, people throwing things out the window at our house you name it. Understandedly I do not want her to go through the same thing as I did. I would bend down in my seat and stay that way on the bus till it was my turn to get off. Boy, it's just a challenge to grow up and fit in, isn't it? I'm going to go to the book store and try and find that book your talking about Michelle, thanks alot ladies..
I've heard from a number of sources that enrolling a kid in karate can do wonders for there self-esteem. It would be great to have her be able to defend herself in the event someone actually carries this even further. Good luck.
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