My DH drinks on the weekends and I hate it. He use to be a 7 day a week drinker then it went to weekends then he stopped for a while (medical)then he started up again and on January 1 stopped telling me he would quit and guess what he went until end of February and stopped and has now started up again every weekend needing 6 then another 6 then another 6 and I can't take it. I am tired of fighting about his drinking he drinks and cusses and smokes more and is a total a@@hole he is mean verbally to me and our child and doesn't see it. Everyone else sees it but him he says he doesn't need counseling that he is fine it is me I am a bit@@ because I don't get my way but I have had it. I hate him when he is drinking just 6 make him different and I don't know what to do anymore. When he starts drinking my family will leave. He says there is nothign wrong with the way he is his parents did it and he thinks he turned out fine well he is wrong!!! When he is not drinking he is great but when he is he is not so great. I am tired of fighting over beer. I hate it and I don't know what else to do!

By Colette on Friday, April 1, 2005 - 04:20 pm:

Call AA and they will help you.

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/default/en_about_aa.cfm?pageid=13

By Karen~moderator on Friday, April 1, 2005 - 04:34 pm:

Well, unless he admits he has a drinking problem, don't expect anything to change.

Substance abuse/addiction is the same, whether it's alcohol, drugs, whatever. If the *addict* thinks they are doing nothing wrong, then nothing YOU do will make any difference.

AA and Al-Anon are great support groups, but don't expect to change HIM unless HE wants to change. And he has to do it for himself, not for you, or anyone else.

I was raised in a family of alcoholics, and my X was an alcoholic, so I am speaking from first hand knowledge and experience.

If he doesn't think it's a problem, even though you have made your feelings clear, AND if he is abusive and in denial about that, you should think about what is best for you and your DK's. Living in an abusive situation is not good emotionally or physically for you OR your kids.

If it were me, and remember, I have BTDT, I'd have to think seriously about removing myself and my kids from what is obviously an abusive situation.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, April 1, 2005 - 04:52 pm:

AA can't help him unless he admits he has a problem and wants help. However, they can help you. They have a number of excellent programs for people related to alcoholics, support gorups, etc. As Karen says, you have to do what is best for you and the kids.

By Pamt on Friday, April 1, 2005 - 04:56 pm:

I would suggest that you start with Al-Anon. My grandfather was an alcoholic and didn't see a problem. My grandmother started going to Al-Anon just to find ways to cope. He got mad, they ended up separated for awhile, and she kept getting much support from the other spouses in Al-Anon. Over time my grandfather saw the light, joined AA, and had been sober for many, many years by the time he died. Just to give you some hope...my GF was ultimately able to help many others break their addiction to alcohol and was so beloved by the AA community that they named their meeting place in honor of him. (((ANON)))---Al-Anon is a great place to start! And yes...if he is abusive I would get out---at least for now. And you can't change him, but you can get some help and support for yourself.

By Sunny on Friday, April 1, 2005 - 04:59 pm:

Al-Anon

Look into it for yourself. They are a wealth of information for the families and friends of alcoholics. As was already mentioned, if doesn't admit there is a problem he won't change. But, you can help yourself and your kids in dealing with his alcoholism. Do yourself a favor and check out the site.

By Bea on Friday, April 1, 2005 - 05:14 pm:

I'm an AL-ANON grad. I learned from them not to be an enabler. You really do need the help you can get from these meetings.

By Kernkate on Friday, April 1, 2005 - 05:29 pm:

{{{Anon}}} Everyone has gave great advice to you...I have dealth with alcoholics all my life...hate to say it but its true. My mom suffered with this condition, disease, addition, what ever anyone wants to call it. I was little at the time and only recall little things. Please Please get help, from what I heard my dad went thru alot and back in 1966 all these things weren't available to him but I wish they were.
Best of luck to you!!!

By Reds9298 on Friday, April 1, 2005 - 06:38 pm:

I have a family member who is an alcoholic and it is terrible. Educate yourself about how you might be enabling your DH, but until he decides it's ruining his life, nothing will change. It's so hard when we can't change the dangerous behaviors of those we love. Think of your children first and the example he is setting for them. If you were alone maybe you could handle/tolerate his drinking, but with a child I think it changes everything. Maybe if you leave he will see the light?

By Vicki on Friday, April 1, 2005 - 06:43 pm:

I am sorry your going through this. I have no BTDT advice for you, but I realize this must be a very hard thing. Best wishes to you.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, April 1, 2005 - 10:09 pm:

AL-ANON

By Bobbie~moderatr on Friday, April 1, 2005 - 10:53 pm:

'clarifying.... AL~anon for YOU not him.... Because forcing him won't work. But you need help to deal with it. And who better to talk to than a person that has been in your shoes and has a spouse with some sober time under their belt. Because we can tell you all day what to do but it won't do you any good unless we have been there.

By Feona on Saturday, April 2, 2005 - 09:26 am:

You need to go to Alanon meeting... Anyone who would willing live in a war zone needs the meetings to disconnect.

He need to go to AA. Doesn't sound like he will.

By Feona on Saturday, April 2, 2005 - 09:27 am:

Counseling with a social worker or therapist doesn't work with Alcholics. Marriage counseling or regular counseling would be a waste of time. If you think you can go to a therapist once a week for a hour and cure an alcoholic well... Good luck to you. Espeically one who has no interest in quiting drinking.. maybe if he because born again christian in the process. Of course it could happen.... but I doubt it...

Of course intense counseling at an alcholic rehab center would work. That is every day meetings at a rehab center(usually following AA model)


AA might work if he want to go. AA is 90 meeting in 90 days...

Difference is an addiction vs... a habit. Addictions are mighty hard to change.

My brother in law is a alcoholic counselor... But they use AA model. So you know I was wrong to say counseling doesn't work... I meant needs to be following AA model at least... (intensive too - many times a week meetings.)

If I would give advice to a friend or family member i would say AA or alcholic rehab center out patient or in patient. AA is free of course... Outpatient rehab center might be covered by insurance...

It sounds like he is having a grand old time so why would he stop drinking?

By Karen~moderator on Saturday, April 2, 2005 - 09:47 am:

I'll just say this - you cannot change HIM, you can only change the way YOU react to him. Ditto everyone who brought up enabling. Sounds like you have some serious issues to deal with, and also sounds like he doesn't perceive his drinking to be a problem, which is a problem in and of itself. And it only gets worse from there.

As many said above, check into Al Anon, at least you will have a support group and hopefully can acquire some tools for yourself, to work with the situation.

But I will say again, as long as he thinks he doesn't have a problem, expect his behavior to continue and probably worsen. You have a choice to make, because this is your life, as it is, and as it will be if things continue to be the same. You need to decide if you want to be in the same place 10 or 15 or 25 years from now.......

And the thing that bothers me is, if he is verbally abusive, it could escalate into physical abuse. How would you deal with that??

By Pamt on Saturday, April 2, 2005 - 11:32 am:

"Counseling doesn't work with Alcoholics. It is a waste of time. He will ruin you kids life and your life."

Feona, I beg to differ. I know MANY former alcoholics whose lives has been radically changed through AA, counseling, and similar supports. I don't understand why you would just type in such a random blunt statement. Of course, an alcoholic won't change until he/she admits there is a problem and decides to changes, but yes they can change!

By Mommmie on Saturday, April 2, 2005 - 01:21 pm:

I feel for you, anon. I dated an alcoholic about 15 years ago and it was horrible, but it took me awhile to realize that the problem was alcohol. I mean I knew he drank, but I didn't realize it was the center of our relationship and that it controlled every aspect of the relationship. I went to Al-anon and got the reality check I needed (I had no experience with drinkers up until that point) and the relationship eventually ended, but I shouldn't have hung on as long as I did. I wasted a couple of years with that man. He was only emotionally able to have a relationship with booze.

By Jann on Saturday, April 2, 2005 - 04:55 pm:

I am not one for blanket statement either.
It all depends on how he views his addiction. If he won't seek help, it may very well ruin your marriage. But, counseling and AA have helped many people. I agree with everyone else anon, Al-Anon is a wonderful organization and could really help you handle all this.