My dh and I are separated and have been for over a month. He is staying with his parents. I guess we are *trying* to work out the problems as we are not sure we want a divorce after being together for 20 years and having 4 young children. I am a sahm and of my 4 children, 2 are special behavioural needs.

I am with the kids constantly and had them home with me the past week for spring break. I asked him tonight if he could take the kids to his place tomorrow so that I could have a few hours of me time. He has not taken them by himself since we've been separated. He had babysat for me a 3 times so I could do some meetings with dd. He actually told me that he wanted to work out tomorrow night. He would much rather spend his time working out EVERYDAY. (can you tell he is going through a mid life crisis?)
It just makes me so mad that I have them 24/7 and have to beg him to take them. Why can't he be nice and just give me a break and forget his stupid workout once so he can bond with the kids?

The longer that we are separated, the angrier I get at his selfishness. I love the dope, but how can one put himself above his kids consistantly?
I live in a state that has no legal separation so I can't even do anything legally to get him to take them. It just sucks. And one of our problems was money so I can't afford to hire someone to watch them.

By Janet on Wednesday, March 30, 2005 - 10:38 am:

{{{HUGS}}}

By Paulas on Wednesday, March 30, 2005 - 11:35 am:

((((HUGS))))))))

I don't really have any advice but I wanted you to know that I understand your frustration. I was about to suggest ou hire a sitter and send him a bill but then I read the last part of your post which states that that is not an option.

I don't know how to make him see the importance of your time as well. Good luck!

By Missmudd on Wednesday, March 30, 2005 - 11:41 am:

Could the grands help either w/ dh or w/ the kids? I am sorry that he isnt helping, have you tried counciling? I would try telling vrs asking. "I need you to be here at 7 pm to watch the kids, I have stuff I need to do."

By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, March 30, 2005 - 11:57 am:

I'm sorry to hear...it's one of those situations that you just want to ask him, "What do you want me to tell the kids?"

By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, March 30, 2005 - 12:08 pm:

PS- We had the same sort of situation here...I went for a "painting the house" trip in AL with my 9mo old for 4 days. He is having to do it for 2 days, but refuses to take DS. I feel that if I had to do it for 4 days, he can do it for 2. Then, he goes on to tell me that I'M selfish. He claims it is harder on a baby to travel for 2 days than 4. He is SO full of it. He just can't handle a baby for 2 days and traveling. (He would have free babysitting too.)
Gave up my career and my home place of residence (Colorado) and I'M selfish?
When will men realize that our children came from BOTH of us??
Where are OUR business trips???

By Rayanne on Wednesday, March 30, 2005 - 02:00 pm:

I am so sorry sweetie.

By Meltonmom on Wednesday, March 30, 2005 - 02:37 pm:

My Aunt takes care of her grandchildren for my cousin. He is irresponsible. There is just no other way around it. Anyway, there are times when she is tired and he is putting off picking up his kids,so she just says, "I will meet you at your office at 5:30 PM with the kids." Then, she takes the kids to his office and drops them off in the waiting room. They are safe. Their Dad is there and they can sit in the reception room until he comes and gets them to go home. My cousin is divorced. His wife works at the local police station (small town) and sometimes my Aunt drops the kids off at HER office as well. Not all the time. But sometimes. That way, there is no way for them to "get out of it".

Could you drop the kids off at the gym? Some have babysitting. Or at his parent's house where he is staying? For example, "I can't keep the kids, I want to work out." "Oh Okay, what time are you working out?" "5PM" "Okay, I'll meet you at the gym with the kids at 6PM" Or better yet, just show up at the gym, kids in tow, at 6. Or "I can't keep the kids I need to work out" "Okay, I will drop the kids off at your parent's house and you can "catch up with them" after your workout." Something like that. These are just suggestions. My Aunt uses them when she gets tired of babysitting, every afternoon and weekends, for free.

MeltonMom

By Anonymous on Wednesday, March 30, 2005 - 04:44 pm:

Unfortunately with my special needs kids, most people do not want all of my kids to visit at the same time. So dropping them off at grandparents is out.

And I can't tell him what I'm doing... that is another of our problems. I'm just to darn bossy after all these years of him not doing anything.

The gym only has childcare during the day for small kids. The older kids only have childcare from 6-8 and that wrecks his workout time too. Believe me... I went last week with him and the kids and he complained nonstop.

I just wish I could ram it into his brain that he is being so selfish and our children should have some priority.

Well I just got an email. He has to go run tonight and if I want, he may come over. But his dad is not happy of him having all 4 kids at their house.

By Feona on Thursday, March 31, 2005 - 06:55 am:

If you get a divorce you can't force him to take the children for the weekend...


They call up and cancel the weekend.... I heard...

I wish I could give you some fairy dust to change him....

By Colette on Thursday, March 31, 2005 - 07:27 am:

To darn bad about it. Tell him you don't care if his father likes it or not. They are his kids - special needs or not and he needs to take responsibility.

By Anonymous on Thursday, March 31, 2005 - 08:38 am:

I go see an attorney tomorrow. I will be asking about his time with the kids. My therapist told me that if he doesn't take the kids when he is supposed to, then he is in contempt. So I will see if that is true or not. All I know is that I am burnt out. I need a break every once in a while and I am not getting one.

I am just so angry that he would use our kids as a pawn to let me know that he doesn't have to do anything I say. Its sad. What's even sadder is that we were *trying* to work on things.

Please say a prayer for my kids as they do need their father.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, March 31, 2005 - 07:09 pm:

But, if he takes the kids because you force him to, what kind of experience would it be for the kids?

I went through that with my ex, though I only had 3, only one had behavioral problems and another in special ed but without behavioral problems. And I suspect mine were a bit older - my youngest was 8 going on 9. But my ex only saw his sons about 2 - 3 times a year - and at Christmas dropped the presents off after they were in bed. It was hard on them - and, because I was working full time, hard on me, though thank heaven my oldest was 13 going on 14 and totally reliable for the couple of hours after school to watch his brothers.

I can tell you, what goes around comes around. As the boys got into their teens their father wanted to spend more time with them, but they didn't want to spend time with him. My dear dil despises him when she doesn't feel sorry for him, and while the oldest and youngest try to spend some time with him, neither really trusts him and the middle one has said for years that when he is a father he has a perfect example of the kind of father he does not want to be.

By Palmbchprincess on Thursday, March 31, 2005 - 09:15 pm:

I'm going to second Ginny's post. My bio dad barely ever saw me (or wrote or called), and I didn't care to start a relationship as an adult when it was convenient for him. My ex doesn't take his visitation, he hasn't seen the kids since Christmas, and it's actually helped them. They were having speech delays and behavioral problems during our divorce proceedings, when he was still taking them back and forth. Also, he won't be held in contempt for not taking his visits, the courts cannot force visitation (though it reflects poorly on him if he doesn't bother). He cannot withhold child support for visitation and vice versa. The courts can enforce support, but no one can make him spend time with his kids. I know first hand how difficult it can be to never get a break, but if he's not interested in seeing them, believe me it's better not to force it. One more bit of advice since you said you feel he is using them as pawns, though I hope it never comes to this. If there is not a court order for structured visitation (ie: pick up at 6pm Friday, drop off 6pm Sunday) and he has the children in his possession, he can keep them. My ex tried to do that to strike out at me, and the police could not make him turn the kids over. These are the things no one tells you about until a divorce turns nasty. I have so much sympathy for you, my divorce last year was long and painful, I don't wish it on my worst enemy.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, March 31, 2005 - 11:37 pm:

Since you have special needs children you ought to look into your local (dang the name is slipping my mind) help for special needs. Most of the places around here offer respite care. Meaning they will send someone in to help with the kids so you can go to the store, doctor (or even just go out to eat by yourself/relax). I know a few people that have special needs children and they use the service at least once a week. And because they are special needs it is covered by the government. Since you are looking into divorce (I am assuming here) you ought to look into all the government assistance your children qualify for. That is what the programs were set up for and find away to do this with out involving your DH. Because honestly him having them because you are pushing them off will only cause the children problems. They will sense he doesn't want them (trust me)... Start making phone calls. I bet you can find help out there. And... if your special needs children are old enough (locally) they have a day care/preschool that is for special needs children. Start squeaking your wheels..... because that is the only way you are going to get some oil... Your DH sounds like a waste of time and energy.. You need to take care of you and if he isn't going to be there to help then you need to find someone/some place that will....

By Anonymous on Friday, April 1, 2005 - 06:17 am:

Thank you for your responses. I would never force the kids on him. But right now, they are missing him terribly and just want to see him.

Good news from last night. He took the kids to McDonalds for dinner last night. The kids were very happy to spend a few hours with him and I got some quiet me time in the tub. It was very nice and I was able to recharge myself.

The amazing part of this is that I spent all afternoon with my pastor praying for the situation. When I got home, I checked the email and there was one from him stating he wanted the kids. What a sign for me!

Thank you

By Kernkate on Friday, April 1, 2005 - 10:29 am:

{{{Anon}}} No great advice here...Hope things work out for the best for all of you.
I was divorced when my DS was 3 and never had a problem with his dad taking him every weekend.
Best of luck.