FROM SEXLESS MARRIED ANON.
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive April 2005:
FROM SEXLESS MARRIED ANON.
Most of you might remember me. I am in a sexless/romanceless/no-touch marriage. Anyway, I decided to accept it after an acquaintance called me and told me her husband died.
I thought ya'll might get a smile from "listening in" to the following conversation that took place in my living room last night at 10PM.
Not-putting-it-out husband: "I don't have any clothes to wear to work tomorrow."
Sexually-frustrated-but-being-patient-for-the-sake-of-the-children-wife: "Gee, that's a shame."
Husband: "Um, were you going to do some laundry?"
Wife: (stretching comfortably on the couch and getting ready to watch my new favorite TV show, "Medium") "Nope!"
Husband: "I don't have anything to wear to work tomorrow!"
Wife: "That DOES sound like a problem."
Husband: (obvious attempt to look pitiful) "Well, I guess I'll put a load of workclothes in the washing machine tonight and then get up even earlier in the morning to put them in the dryer for work tomorrow."
Wife: "Good problem solving. Sounds like a plan to me."
Husband: (Looking pitiful, one last attempt to get me to stay up late and do it) "Well.....(chaste kiss on the forehead) Good night...."
Wife: (smiling encouragingly) "Night, dear!"
And he loaded his clothes into the washer himself and he got up an hour earlier to put them in the dryer himself and they were not ironed and I do not feel one iota of guilt.
If he won't do his husbandly duty why should I do my wifely duty?
I am so proud of myself for standing up for myself I know it is a little thing but it felt really good.
Anon
Good for you, hope he figures out that whites need to be seperate 
 
I'm sorry but I fail to see how this is going to help your situation. Did you tell him you weren't going to do laundry if he didn't put out?? Does he have a clue as to why you blew off laundry this particular time? A lack of communication. You claim to have accepted the situation but are finding ways to get even or to retaliate. I don't feel either approach is healthy for any relationship. Did you ever have that talk with him? Something like, "I feel extremely unloved by your lack of sexual interest and affection. So much so that I'm seriously considering leaving this marriage. We need to work out some sort of compromise. I realize sex isn't important to YOU but it is to ME. This isn't just YOUR marriage/life but MINE as well. Meet me half way. I would appreciate your loving attention at least 3x a month (or whatever) and don't feel that's too much to ask considering I would be going without it an average of 27 days monthly..." And so on... {{{HUGS}}}
I'm going to agree with Trina. Also, if it were the other way around, like so many women who have a lack of interest, and the DH said "Well, I'm just not going to go to work today." as a retaliation. Either you work past it or you don't, but going on "strike" isn't going to solve it here. I am glad to see you're feeling more confident, I hope you don't take my opinion on this the wrong way.
I also agree with Trina and Crystal..how is this going to solve anything?
I can see how this would work to make you feel less "taken for granted" as far as him just *assuming* you will make sure HE has everything HE needs (while he obviously doesn't take care of all of YOUR needs), but I think the point some of the others are trying to make is that it's more likely to be seen (by him) as an attempt to "punish" him or to be "mean" than to make him feel more loving and affectionate. We can certainly see why you'd be frustrated at this point, and I don't honestly know how you could open communication with him (I don't know the whole story) I do know that open communication only works if BOTH husband and wife are willing and open to communicating...for some men, open and emotional verbal communication is even harder than sexual communication! I don't know if I'd be able to stay in a marriage such as you've described, but I also don't know if I'd want my husband to make love to me just because I wanted it--it would seem empty. Not having been in that situation, I can't really say. Just know that we are here for you to vent anytime, and it's about time that man learned how to do his own laundry
Well, first of all, I guess I should beware of posts that start out with "I'm sorry"....:-) or "I hope you don't take my opinion the wrong way" etc. That's what I get for opening up a controversial post. I think I understand what Cybermommy means "Not having been in that situation, I can't really say...."
I guess I was just making a "stand" for myself and it was a "baby step" and I was kind of proud of it.
I HAVE communicated with him, been to therapy, la-de-da-de-da, la-de-da-de-da-, and the beat goes on...... (Sonny and Cher) whoops! I may have just shown my age...anyway, I have done EVERYTHING to try to work with this man and he has steadily been consistent in doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to try to remedy the situation so I just made a stand for myself with his laundry.
I guess I really should not share about it here. I don't mean it in a "martyr-self-pity" kind of way, I am not looking for sympathy, I suppose I was looking for some of what I do not get at home, some type of validation or recognition or something....I guess what ya'll wrote is true, if it is not your experience, then it is hard to relate to it. And, to be fair, it is hard for me to describe it.
For example, Easter weekend. He got called out. He worked all day Friday, went in and worked Saturday 6AM to 9PM, got called back out Saturday night 12 midnight-7AM Sunday morning. Not his fault, I understand...then he stayed up long enough to watch the kids open Easter baskets and went to bed. Well, later on that day, around 2PM when he woke up, I made him some eggs and biscuits and coffee and juice and then after he ate, he got out the vacuum cleaner and started vacumming. I said, "What are you doing?" And he said, "You don't even try to keep this place cleaned up, I thought I would do it." I said,"Wait a minute. I bought the kids their Easter clothes, their Easter baskets, I was Easter bunny, I took them to church, and I made two breakfasts. Until I reminded you, you didn't even know it WAS Easter (and that is true, by the way, he had forgotton and I had to "cue him in" for the kid's sake when he got home). So, I guess I was kinda "fed up". I wasn't going to include that my original post, because I felt like ya'll had listened to me whine enough about it. But then, when he hit me up to do his laundry as well, I guess I was just at my limit, so to speak, anyway, I made a stand for myself and it felt good.
But I am still proud of myself for striking a blow for my own needs/feelings, etc. even if it was a baby step, it felt good not to be taken for granted.
And to Rayanne and MissMudd THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORTIVE POSTS, REALLY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH (((((BIG HUG OF GRATITUDE)))))) FOR TRYING TO UNDERSTAND.
Anon
I heard on the radio that you shouldn't concentrate on what you don't have.
If you accept the situation for now - than you don't think about what you don't have.
If you don't accept it then you think about it and make yourself miserable.
No one has everything if that makes you feel better.
For example if you are poor, you don't sit around thinking how poor you are. You just make do. Or make some more money.
I totally agree with you, why should you continue to be a martyr. You mentioned many times that you have been the one to initiate counseling, intimacy, romance and communication. We haven't heard his side of the story, but it sounds from what you have said that he has an idea of what he feels he should do and that's that, and you should just live with it. Leaving doesn't even seem to be an acceptable option for you.
Maybe it's time for him to see what it would be like being a single dad, he would have to make his own meals, clean up after himself and actually particpate in life for a change, like remembering birthdays and holidays without having a wife to remind him and do it for him.
Why is the onus on you to be the perfect wife and he have little responsiblity in all of this. There is more to being a good husband than just providing a pay check and being a nice guy. Poor baby, he has problems and we should all feel sorry from him? He needs to grow up, get over whatever happened to him in his past, get some help and be a complete man and husband. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but sometimes I think we cut men too much slack. I lived with a guy for awhile that used to point out everything he did, like "I vaccumed" and I always felt like saying "So what do you want? A metal?"
Perhaps with you doing less he might realize how it feels when your mate doesn't live up to your expectations.
Good luck and please continue to post, it's good to talk about your problems, there will always be people who agree with you and those that don't. Don't take peoples comments to personally. I and others can only speak for our own perspectives and experiences, no one can really understand your situation even if they have had similar experiences. Always remember, don't put yourself last and take care of yourself.
Let the games begin!
You know, I appreciate this board because you can post here and just get your feelings out. I've listened to your story and I would seriously not know what I would do. He explains that he "does not like sex", but really sex isn't about yourself.
I'm sure you "don't like laundry", but you do it anyway because it's not about YOU. You do it because others benefit from it and it just needs to be done.
There are always compromises in a marriage and, again, I don't know what I would do in this situation...it would be like hitting a brick wall over and over again. (Einstein once said, "It's a form of insanity to think that you'll end up with different results with the same approach.")
And, I know you've been to counseling and that's not helping. If you feel you need to just make a stand for yourself, then by all means. You know him better than all of us by a long shot.
None of us can tell you what to do, but just offer up something from our own experience. For those women who don't like sex but do it anyway for their partner...they might have *some* knowledge of the other side of the fence. But, I applaud them because of the fact that they UNDERSTAND their partner's needs. And, they understand that it's not all about them. The key to a successful marriage is UNDERSTANDING. Maybe not having sex a lot (understanding him), but enough so YOU feel that connection (understanding you).
As women, we make tons of sacrifices...why not have some in return? Sorry you are so frustrated...vent any time...
I also understand both sides of what has been said here. But based on your last post, it seemed to me that you had a change of heart and decided that living this way was going to be acceptable to you. Now, it looks like that isn't the case again. I am not saying that one thing is right over the other. Only you know that. But it is obvious that you haven't made up your mind which way you want to go yet. Please remember your children. Before you do something, think of what you are teaching them by doing it. I completely understand how doing what you did made you feel like you were finally standing up for yourself, but really, you stooped to his level. You are with holding something from him just as he is from you. Think to yourself, what are you trying to "show" him and even if he does get it (which is doubtful for a man) do you really think he is going to say, oh man, if I want my laundry done I had better have sex with my wife tonight!! And even if he did say that, is that what your looking for? Meaningless sex? Again, based on what you said, it sounded like you already are taking care of meaningless sex yourself.
Again, I do understand what you did and why you did it and I am glad that you are feeling good about yourself. Maybe that is the first step you needed to take in order for you to be able to leave and find a better life for yourself.
Best wishes to you.
Anon, I apologize for coming across as cold and unsympathetic. No, I'm not in your shoes and I don't *know* what it's like, however, your original posts made it seem as if your DH was a great father and helper around the house. The only issue you pointed out initially, and a big one at that, was his lack of affection and sexual relations. Now it's obvious there is much more involved. If you are truly unhappy then DO something. You have already tried several different approaches without success. Only YOU know what the next step is. Either take that step or accept things as they are and live with it. Things will continue as they are as long as you allow it. Again, I'm sorry. I'll be quiet now. {{{HUGS}}}
I feel the way Vicki does. When I read your post all I was thinking was that you had decided to accept your marriage as-is, so that means (to me) there's no more talk about the sex issues and there's no grudges. It sounds to me like you had an emotional moment when your friend's husband suddenly passed away, not that you have accepted your marriage for what it is. Now that the emotions are wearing off (just to my ears anyway) it sounds like you're back to feeling bad about things again. That's just what I go from your post.
Sometimes it's nice to feel like you're getting someone back, especially in this situation, but ultimately it doesn't change anything and you will go back to doing laundry because, as Heidi said, you know it needs to be done and it's best for your family.
I don't know what I would ultimately do in your situation, but I think I know that we wouldn't be together - maybe not filing for divorce, but we wouldn't be living together.
I am a big advocate of solving problems quickly. If you 've done everything you can and you're not happy, then make a decision whether you're *really* going to accept this life you're in and smile through it all, or decide you want more out of life and get out of the situation. I really hope things turn out for the best for you because you deserve to be happy! As a mom and a wife you already give up so much.
Ditto Vicki 100%. The only thing I'll contribute is that you sounded vindictive and smug in your post, and people don't usually reward that with kudos and props. Hence, the responses you didn't appreciate.
I think anon has a right to be vindictive and smug, not that it should be a full time diet but this IS the guy who isnt putting out, isnt spending time w/ the kids, isnt offering any emotional connection, isnt offer any physical affection, isnt taking seriously how upset anon is, isnt supporting her spiritual need to be in a loving relationship. I think its sad and pathetic that anon's dh was whiny because he had to do one load of laundry, a whole maybe 10 minutes total besides waiting for the wash and dryer to get done. If she wants to occasionally call him on his bad behaviour I say you go girl. It sounds like dh is all about me me me and not about anything else, he needs to realize that his actions have concequences even if it is just that he has to do his own ironing. OK off my soap box.
Anon, you vent all you want, thats why we are here.I supoport you 100%! I don't know how to do the lil signs but, YOU GO GIRL #2!!!!
I think when your friends dh was killed it made you look at you dh and situation in a differnet light, but the bottom line is, is this is not a marraige, you are not on the same page about much it seems, and i really can't understand womens rationals when the "stay together for the kids" because they feel it doesnt matter whe the relationship as long as it's intact. I am sticking with my original answer to the original question. Should I stay or should I go..........GO! It may not be forever, but two people cannot come together from the position you are in now, you are hurting eachother deliberately, that is a huge negative message to the kids you just have to get yourself to the point to admit it.
Are you sure you won't consider counseling again? I get from your posts that the bigger problem in your relationship is lack of communication. I may not have experienced exactly what you are going through now, but I've been married long enough and have been through too much in my marriage not to be able to relate to some of it. My DH and I don't have the best comunication skills with each other either, but the difference is we are concious of it and make a point to work on those skills as often as we can, and we call each other out when one of us slips back into those old habits.
Both your conversation about his laundry and his snide remark about the vacuuming are coming off as passive-aggressive to me. It seems there is resentment on both sides and that will kill your relationship regardless of whether you decide to stay or leave.
I also apologize if I came across as unsympathetic. I certainly don't think he's right and you are wrong, I just think that this is not the answer. We all have our marital issues, no one is perfect, and I certainly don't think you should give up your own desires to make him happy. If he really seems uncooperative in getting help, and compromising to make both of you appy, you have no real relationship base. I agree with Kym, this is only going to give your children a poor idea of marriage and how relationships work.
I'm not even going to comment on your situation. I've stated my opinion before. I'd like to comment on your little vent against those who didn't help you pat yourself on the back. If you don't want our honest reactions then don't come looking for advice here. No one put you down. They stated their views. Just because they didn't agree with your viewpoint is no reason to pout. This is an adult situation. Try to react in a mature way when some people disagree with your ideas.
Well, thanks for the feedback. Anon.
Venting is always good, but maybe next time caption your post as just venting, cause frankly I didn't get a smile from your conversation.
I hope you find some happiness in your marriage.
Well, that is probably fair, besides my kids there is not much to smile about these days. Anon.
I am so sorry for you anon. It sounds like you are really in a tough place and maybe still on the fence about what you want and need. I hope that you are able to work out what is best for you (and your children) and be at peace with whatever you decide very soon. (((hugs)))
I agree 100% with Bea..... but unlike her I will comment on your situation...
I think you need to go to counseling and you need an appointment with a Psychiatrist. I think that we are not getting all the facts. I also think that some people on here that are agreeing with your actions are assuming things that you are not stating in your post, reading in to what you are saying and forgetting the facts that you stated in your previous post. I also think that supporting you for a one sided story isn't fair to your husband, you or your marriage. Their opinions aren't based on facts and should by no means be taken as an approval of your actions.
Marriage isn't about sex, it is about a commitment between a man and a women. People live without ever having sex (Popes, nuns, spinsters, paralyzed people so on and so forth). And many many many women and men live in sexless marriages (but because it isn't seen as a norm they deny or don't speak of it). Medication, work stress, resentments, poor or a lack of communication between spouses, childbirth, abuse as a child, parents opinions and actions towards sex all can distort the views and actions we have as adults and make it all but impossible to have a healthy sex life.
That said, I would place money that your husband is capable of being affectionate with you (because he is with his children) but he is afraid to be affectionate because you will expect a follow through that he can't give you. He is associating one thing with the other. And IF this is an example of the way you deal with him when you aren't getting your way I will say that I can't say that I blame him.
There are many benefits to using toys vrs a forced encounter with your husband. One would be that it is on your schedule and the other would be that a forced encounter with a man that does not have sex on a regular would be a very short lived contact and not worth the hassle or the mess. You need to act like an adult and stop focusing on what he isn't giving you, start focusing on what he is and try to see if you can find a middle ground. OR you need to get out of your marriage PERIOD...
YOUR children do know....... And your actions being committed while in your marriage will influence the way they set their norms for themselves and their future partners. If you have a healthy (friendly) relationship with your husband, they will in turn have a healthy view of marriage. Children do not watch us have sex, so to assume they will be influenced by your lack of sex life is nonsense.
And another suggestion, stop trying to live by American standards that state that all married couples have sex at least twice a week and focus on your marriage............ We are all guilty of assuming the grass is greener elsewhere because people will lie through their teeth to make themselves and their spouses seem like they are perfect. We like building ourselves up and tearing each other down. Our views are distorted because of our outside influences and we hang importance on nonsense things that in the end of life don't matter.....
You yourself say "He works very hard, he gets lots of promotions, in fact he is in class now to earn another promotion. He is an excellent father. He loves our children unconditionally and I never have to worry about leaving them with "Daddy" to go run errands or whatever. I am a SAHM and we are comfortable financially and he never bugs me to get a job or to do more than my share. He does odd jobs around the house. He even cleans the kitchen or cooks a meal occasionally.
He is "on call" right now and recently he got "called out" to go to work. Well, it was bedtime for the kids and he had promised to read them their bedtime story but I was prepared to tell the children, "Daddy got called out, sweetie, Mommy is going to read tonight." But no, he stopped what he was doing, took the 10 minutes to read them their story, and THEN went out to work. How many men how priorities like that, ya know? "
And I say, the grass looks pretty darn green on your side of the fence. It is just to sad that, instead of appreciating what he does for you and your children you are so busy focusing on a minor corner of your life. A corner that you have built huge walls around and crawled into and want to be applauded for... Like I said, I think you need to go to counseling and you need an appointment with a Psychiatrist. I also think it might do you some good to get out of the house and around other women's problems so that you can gain a better appreciation for your DH. Or you need to get off the fence and get on with your life.
I know we all wish you the best... And hope you will be able to come to terms with whatever you decide you need to do. But don't come here and expect us all to too see things from your point of view and carrying on because you aren't getting the replies you thought you would get. You put it out there and we will reply. It isn't about us agreeing with you it is about us being honest.... If there isn't honesty, constructive criticism, and questioning here then there really isn't a purpose with coming to this site because you can cheer yourself on all on your own.
"And I really want to know..." (long)
Please don't stay in this marriage for your kids' sake. Because I am almost certain that this will do more harm to your children than leaving. Talk to some children of divorce. When my parents got divorced, I was actually extremely happy. Children look to their parents' marriage as an example of what a relationship should be like. If they see no intimacy, no random kisses and hugs, constant bickering, etc - they are going to get a negative concept of marriage. So, if you are staying in this marriage for your children, I honestly think you are doing more harm than good. JMHO. (((Hugs))) And I really hope you can find happiness.
I am not commenting on any of the above. I will just tell you that I have a very close relative that plays similar head games with her spouse when she is angry with him. They have been married a very long time - 30+ years - and they are probably two of the saddest people I have ever seen. My relative has become very passive aggressive with her anger at her dh. There is definately an issue at hand here w/your dh. He may not be able to share w/you what it is. He may be afraid or ashamed. Anyways, I hope you are feeling a little better today and that you at least get help for yourself in dealing with this. I truly hope your marriage can be saved.
Bobbie made some good points (as usual). My DH's Uncle is paralyzed from the chest down. He has been since he was 19, he's now 38. He has been married for 14 years. I'll be a little TMI and say there are still ways for a paralyzed person to have sex but they really dont do it more than once every few years. And they are probably the happiest, most loving couple I know. And thats probably because she doesnt dwell on the fact that she not getting sex regularly.
"Bobbie=
That said, I would place money that your husband is capable of being affectionate with you (because he is with his children) but he is afraid to be affectionate because you will expect a follow through that he can't give you. He is associating one thing with the other. And IF this is an example of the way you deal with him when you aren't getting your way I will say that I can't say that I blame him. "
-- That's another good point and I know that one first hand. My DH is quite the opposite of me and a lot like you. He would love to have sex 5-7 days a week. We recently came to a middle ground to solve some problems we were having in that area. I *knew* that everytime I felt like cuddling, or when I wanted to lay by him and when I wanted to be intimate but not to the point of sex, my DH would always expect sex. Therefore, I did none of that. In the end, he felt unloved and unwanted. We had a big talk and came to a middle ground that would make the both of us happy, while at the same time both of us had to contribute. He couldn't expect sex 7 days a week and and expect that every glance I gave him mean't sex. And I had to contribute more to the physical side of things. I had to realize he has needs just as much as I do and sex was one of them.
I hope the two of you can resolve this. Other than my BTDT situations, I have no real advice. I just wish the best.
Here is the voice of dissention, I feel alot of you are being very unsympathetic to anon. Many of us have made statements like "stay" or "go". You seem upset that she doenst follow your advice. I dont understand why because anon cracked a bit and showed a little teeth that suddenly it appears, in my eyes anyway, that she is totally at fault and deserves everything she is getting. Just because she doesnt throw in the towel. Just because she isnt doing what we want her to do.
Like Jesus those without sin cast the first stone. I think the above dialog between dh and anon could be played in many of our homes. How many of us have said I am not appreciated for what I do so I am just going to sit here and to heck w/ all of you?
If anybody can just tell anon how easy it is to just drop a marrage, find a job, and provide for her kids, without any upset to her children, without the feeling of guilt and sadness and failure, then I say sure she should go. But honestly ending a marrage is a total wasteland and I dont advise it unless you are really at the end of your rope. And not complaining, not being angry, not occasionally letting her teeth show and then just saying "I quit" is the ultimate in passive aggressive.
The comment about the grass looks pretty green burns me up. Yea so they are financial secure, is anon emotionally secure? Which is more important? Should anon just roll over because she is provided for? Isnt that just a cage bought by her happiness. Dont even get me started. Grass is greener, GRRR!!
Ok so now I have vented. I hope it works out for you anon, I know that you probably have spent many a long night thinking about this. I know that it is probably a broken record but I think if you can get into counciling solo it might help. I think that you need to find out in counciling what you really should do. Maybe you can get dh in. Maybe not, but either you will get a game plan going for yourself or not. This isnt a sit com where you get a resolution in 30 minutes. Dont stop posting anon.
I don't think anyone is being unsympathetic or judging of anon. We're just stating our opinion, as you just stated yours. And we really can't expect a person we don't know to follow the advice of strangers. I think what most are saying is that if she wants to stay in the marriage, she can make a step in making it a bit easier by not always focusing on the sex she's not getting, but by focusing on what she does have. Theres always something to complain about whether it's money, where you live, what your spouse does or doesnt do... it's endless. And as long as a person dwells on the bad, they will get nowhere. Most of the advice in this thread seems to be focused on the fact that she wants to stay in the marriage (or atleast previously posted that) so we're trying to give her advice from there.
Yes, I do want to stay in the marriage. Especially since I have seen one version of "the other side" in my friend's recent widowhood. Of course divorce is not the same as if I were to kill him (just joking) but still...she has three kids and she is virtually on her own. In fact, after burying him, she has no income at all. And no childcare help.
Miss Mudd is right. I was just trying to "stand up" for myself a bit. And all of you are right, as well. I am angry and lonely.
I should not have posted what happened. That is where I made my mistake. It is not fair of me to post something controversial like that and then cry because ya'll don't back me up on it. Ya'll are virtual strangers and you can't possibly know the face-to-face realities.
I do appreciate Miss Mudd though and the "you go girl" post. And I know the reason why we have the ANON key is exactly for situations like this. Personal/controversial issues.
I am vulnerable, angry, lonely, and at the same time, grateful (he works and likes the kids), so I do bounce back and forth.
I guess I just got tired of it and then when I "showed my teeth" (good expression Miss Mudd) it felt good and I was looking for some validation or "back up" or whatever when really I should have just enjoyed my little victory within myself and "gone on" with my life. Another thing I am having a very hard time with is that ya'll posted some really helpful insight on the last post (should I stay or should I go) and he would not even read it.
I AM seeking counseling. I know the insurance coverage I have and I am looking for someone in my neighborhood. This has been a bit of an ongoing process because so far, all the offices my insurance have referred me to "are not taking new clients at this time" but I keep dialing.....
Someone posted that I am not taking ya'll's advice. While I AM trying to be balanced, realizing that I do not know any of you personally, I AM paying attention and I have read the written post several times. Especially the one from the ANON who has been in a sexless marriage for years. I DO pay attention and I AM reading what you post because I think the value of an objective opionion is worthy.
I appreciate your feedback. And I have good days and bad days. I don't think you are being cold or unsympathetic. And Bea, yes, I suppose my stand on laundry was a bit immature. But I don't think I am pouting. I can own that immaturity may have clouded my judgement and that not doing his laundry was a "baby step" but I don't think I was pouting. As far as people "patting me on the back" of course it is nice to be validated but one of the values of objective opionions is hearing different points of view.
This is a difficult situation for me and I did not intend (really, I did not intend) for this to become as controversial as last time. I was just posting a humourous (albeit) immature stomping of my foot. I am starting counseling soon, I am hoping within the month of April, to learn how to live within/without my marriage and with that as an outlet, I imagine I will not need to post anymore Anon messages and that is okay. I am sure I probably need more professional/personal help in dealing with an issue as to whether or not to stay/leave a marriage.
I still carry around the Anon's post of the woman who is living it and it is encouraging to know that I am not the only woman in this situation. I DO want to stay but getting out all the "old" battles and "tugs of war" and "new beginnings" just for me to do the work and for him to refuse to make an effort is difficult. It is hard to stay motivated.
And then I go over to my friend's house, the one recently widowed, and I start to think again about whether or not I REALLY want to be without him......
Anyway, this is how it is going today. Tomorrow it may be another story. I just have to get up in the morning and see what each day brings.....
ANON
I am just curious, has he been to a doctor for a physcical? Perhaps he is have performance issues and is afraid to be intimate.
Good luck to you. I hope you find some answers in counseling and happiness.
Anon, my first reaction to your last post was "Don't feel like you can't post things here.", but then again, I've learned over a couple years of membership that some things are not well received, and maybe it's better not to discuss them. I think most of us reach a point where we learn what we are comfortable posting, considering no one here really knows the whole story. Please feel free to vent away, but of course each of us must prepare for dissenting opinions if we post something here, it's to be expected with so many members from different walks of life. I really wish you the best, I know how traumatic divorce is and wish it on no one, but sometimes it's for the best. Whatever happens in your marriage, I hope you find happiness, because that's what makes the biggest difference in your children's lives.
Ditto Crystal.
SHE is emotionally where she is because SHE decided not to do what SHE needed to do to take care of HERSELF many years ago because ultimately SHE is responsible for HER happiness HER DH is not responsible for her "emotional well being" SHE is... Treating her DH like she did and more than likely does will not make him fall passionately into her bed and is in all honesty counter productive....... in the long run does nothing but build bigger walls between her and her DH and tear her esteem down even further because of further rejection.
And in fact the grass does look greener. This is why marriages fail every day. People only see the greenness of the grass, it coolness and its softness. They aren't noticing the bugs, worms and mud that lurk below. But once they sink into the grass they start crying, "hey now you didn't tell me about those worms or how dirty this would be." (dirty piles of clothes, not helping with children, and in her case no sex would be representative of the worms and mud) So despite what you think or have to say, Anon is looking around her and seeing what she sees as perfect marriages and her perception of these marriages means her marriage is less (no sex, not a good marriages) and she starts resenting... She starts blaming... She starts with her little digs (the ones you want to cheer) and he withdrawals and she wants to cry about it and know why.... ANON needs counseling and she needs to see a Psychiatrist because she needs to take care of herself. Until she takes care of HERSELF her relationship with her DH is in a holding pattern. Acting like a child will not break down his walls................ And blaming isn't going to break down the walls. And if this is how she acts he is probably afraid to honestly tell her what his problem is. If I were in a situation where personal attacks were thrown at me because of minor mistakes I would not want to crawl into bed and be passionate with that person. And after 18 years (16 with sex issues) I would bet that this isn't the first time she threw a fit, I am sure there is a huge rift because of years of little fits, just as she claims years of resentment because of him not giving her sex..... Anon needs to learn what she needs (which clearly she has no clue thus the asking us (strangers) if she should leave or go) and she needs to learn how to communicate those needs with out a personal assault, period. Then she needs to decide what she needs in her life and she needs to stop hinging her happiness on what he isn't doing for her. And if she can't find peace in her marriage she needs to get out because she is not doing any good for anyone (namely her children). And as far as leaving being hard, millions of people do it every day and if her finding happiness means a life with sex in it than I suspect she ought to start planning to leave..
Lastly, WHAT If you woke up tomorrow and you were unable to for whatever reason to have sex (or if your spouse was unable to have sex), would that be the end of your marriage??????????????????????? WOULD you go around treating him poorly because of it??????? Would you resent him and act like a child at will because it is your right, I mean after all you want sex and how dare he not give it to you????????? Marriage isn't about how many times you have sex or if you have sex at all. And you can not be emotionally connected to someone that treats you poorly................... Which by the way Anon claims they have a friendly marriage, thus her DH isn't mistreating her emotionally. He is just not physical with her, HUGE difference...
Well said, Bobby. I often read posts and do not reply b/c someone is able to state my feelings much better than I am.
I'm sure if you ask my DH, he will tell you that he doesn't get it enough. Sometimes it can be a very long time. But, he doesn't treat me like a child.
Anon, I understand your frustration but like someone has said, unless you said I'm not doing laundry b/c you won't put out, he doesn't have a clue why you behaved that way. He just sees you are angry and is probably struggling to figure out the reason. It just builds the walls even stronger.
This is a common problem.
Diabeties and other illness cause this problem all the time. Heart disease... I have heard it before... It is not just the mental that causes this problem.
I've been following this post with great interest and have no strong feelings either way. However, I have to say that all this talk of if he couldn't have sex any more because of some accident or medical issue doesn't really have much bearing on this situation.
Obviously Anon wants to FEEL wanted and needed. There's a huge difference between CAN'T and doesn't WANT.
From my point of view - I see your intent Anon in refusing to do the laundry, but I don't think it was a victory for you - even though you may feel as though it was.
A victory will be making a choice and feeling at peace with it.
I can tell you from personal experience that I hated sex. I thought it was gross - until I met my husband - then WHAM it was the best thing since sliced bread!
You just may not do it for him. You owe it to him and to yourself to make some choices. Maybe the person who will light his fire is out there somewhere ...
Ame
Ame you make a good point about *can't* and *want*...if one person in the relationship CAN'T but WANTS to we all know how many wonderful intimate options there are outside of intercourse. I ditto everything you said. Some people are so much better at expressing their thoughts than I am!
Ame, did her husband say he didn't want to have sex with her? Because I believe that If he just didn't want to have sex with her then he would not have agreed to see doctors, counseling, etc. and so on and so forth trying to "fix" the situation. Because Anon says in her OP that I posted the link to, that she didn't want us suggesting doctors, counseling and/or medication because they have tried it all.... That does not sound like someone that just doesn't "have his fire lit"... And it is a proven fact that a man in "need" will have sex with anything that will let him around her long enough to do it. After 16 years, if he could have sex he surely would be having it at least at a semi normal/typical interval. Not avoiding it all together. There is more to this story we aren't hearing.. I am thinking it is probably mental/emotional and if that is the case satisfying any woman (person) would more than likely make him physically ill.... So it isn't as easy as saying, IF he loves you he would please you regardless.
I still stand on the fact that anon needs to get herself help..... Worry about that first....... Change/fix herself and go from there........
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