My marriage is suffering
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive April 2005:
My marriage is suffering
I've brought this up before but it has resurfaced and I need to vent so bare with me please.
My DH desperately wants to move back "home" to Nova Scotia. I have one brother and sister there, both my parents are gone now. I have lived my adult life elsewhere, moving right after graduation. My kids were born elsewhere and I just don't have the desire to move there.
I might feel differently if we could maintain the same life style there as we have here. We're not rich..by any stretch of the imagination (I make about $30000-part time this year, probably full next year which would be about 63000 and DH makes about 50000). He is applying on a job in NS that makes $26000-40000! The reason we moved out west in the first place was because I couldn't get a teaching job there.
It makes me so angry that we have to be the ones to make the sacifices. No one ever bothers to come here to visit yet he thinks we should up root our family and do without many things b/c of the wages to be closer to them.
Here's some background...
(1) DH has one sister that goes to Flordia every year for a holiday and owns two cottages (trying to sell one). She has never come for a visit.
(2) His other sister did come for a visit several years ago.
(3) My sister said she would come visit this year when she got her income tax in. Instead she has decided to go to Flordia where it is warm.
(4) My brother has the best of everything but can't come visit us.
(5) My sister lives 3 hours from my brother. In 4 years he has visited her once and that was on his way home from a hockey tournament
One of the main reasons DH wants to move is to be closer to his elderly parents (late 60s, early 70s). He has admitted that if they weren't there the desire might not be so strong. It's horrible for me to say, or think, but realistically it won't be long before they are gone and we would have given up a good lifestyle and jobs here.
Anyway, it is really stressing me out and is affecting our relationship.
Thanks for letting me vent.
could you rent out your home and rent when you move? would you job let you take a leave for sake of aging parents? hopefully you can find a compromise. if i were a spouse who wanted to near my parents in their last years, i MIGHT hold resentment if i didn't have that chance.
or is your marriage strong enough to have your dh live up there without you for several months?
you are in a tough spot, i hope you find some answers
Paula, sorry you are going through this. Did your husband just apply for a job in NS without consulting you? What happens if he is accepted? Have you both talked this through to that point? It sounds like he has made up his mind without you? Is that correct?
What about your children? How do they feel about moving?
It sounds as if you are in a really difficult situation. My best friend's parents live in Ottawa, she lives in Germany with her husband who is British. Her parents are edlerly and she would like to return to Canada for 5 years, her husband is reluctant, so she comes for visits 2 to 3 times a year. It's a compromise that works for them.
I hope that you can both find a way to come together and make a decision that you are both happy with. Take care, please continue to vent.
He didn't apply without consulting me. Jobs are hard to get there so I just keep hoping that he won't get it and then it won't be a problem.
I have offered to let him just go without me for six months. I figured he should take the kids with him since that would be a better indicator of whether or not we could live on that kind of money. My job would enable me to cover our expenses here.
I can't take a leave since I do not have a permanant contract yet. He MIGHT be able to take a leave.
He said he doesn't want to go for six months without me. If it comes down to us separating over this he said he just won't go. I know he is not happy.
I don't mean to sound materialistic but there is a standard of living that we have become accustomed to. I curl, he plays hockey, DD plays violin and DS wants to play hockey next year. I worry that we won't be able to do the things we enjoy with that level of income. Teaching jobs are pretty much non-existant there. I MIGHT be able to get some subbing in but to be honest...I hate subbing. It was fine before I had my own class but now that I have I don't really care for subbing.
To make matters worse, we have been talking for 2 years about trading in our current travel trailer and getting a bigger one. The difference is about 10000. He says we can't afford it. It makes me so angry that he thinks it is financially responsible to go back there for WAAAY less money but it is not financially responsible to get a loan for 10000! 
Paula - How long has it been since you've been back here in NS and what part are you looking at going back to?
If it's been awhile, you should know that esp. in some parts of the prov. it may be quite different then you remember. Just my community has changed dramatically in the last decade...with new state-of-the-art schools, a new rink where a curling facility will be built within a few years. The average family income has taken a leap and new (expensive) houses are going up all the time. We're about 45 minutes outside of Halifax and have access to all the cultural facilities (most shooping can be done without the trip to town) there as well.
If you don't like want to move because you like it where you are that's fair enough. But if it's because of an apprehension of what you face here, maybe it's because you've got an older idea of what Nova Scotia is playing in your mind.
One point, he may make less here but it's still a much cheaper place to live as well. There is still real estate that goes for prices people from away find outrageously cheap.
But I'm thinking it's more than not going back, it's liking where you are.
Dawn, it has been 13 years since we have been there but we are still aware of what can be offered since we have family there. I don't believe it is a cheaper place to live. The job he is applying on is in Bridgewater. We did an MLS check and the houses are not any cheaper than what we paid for our home here...on a much higher income. Also, gas, for example is 95.9 (Truro) and 96.9 (Kingston) whereas it is 85.9 here. Milk...I pay 4.39 for 4L. My sister in Truro says she pays in the high 3s for 2L of milk.
I don't mind NS and I'm sure we won't live in this town forever. I like the beaches and stuff in NS but I like the financial security we have here.
Would your inlaws consider moving to where you live?
Not a hope in hell Jann.
Sorry. My dh is an only son to ailing parents. It's so very hard on him. Fortunately they only live about 4 hours away so going to see them is doable. We have been after them to move here for years, but it's a constant battle too.
Well, now DH said we could buy the trailer if I agree to move back east....not sure I want it that badly LOL
Paula, have you sat down and actually done a budget based on income and activities if you moved back home. Maybe if he saw the numbers and what you would have to do without or give up it would help with your position. I don't see how he thinks it is realistic to go from income of $80,000 (let alone next year when it might be $113,000) to income of $26,000-$40,000. How is it incentive for you to buy the trailer you want when again your income is going to be cut in half. Good luck with your decision.
Why is it that he is so unhappy? Is it just family being far or is something else going on with his job?
Michelle, I'm not sure why he feels the need to be so close to his family. I think that we are his family and wish he was happy with just us. Part of me wants to say, "Will you just grow up!" but what good would that do. I'm not sure how much pressure his parents put on him when they talk to him. I know they resented the fact that I MADE him move here. It's not like we were married or anything when he came here. It's not his job since he would be doing pretty much the same thing there for half the money!
I have really wanted this trailer for a few years. I should just get it b/c if I end up caving in and moving back...I may have to live in the darn thing!
I do understand why you don't want to move back, and I generally agree with you.
But, here is something to think about. If one or both of his parents became seriously ill and died, and he wasn't there, what would that do to your marriage?
I tried long distance managing my parents' healthcare issues, and it was a terrible hassle and not particularly successful. They, thank heaven, were willing to move here, and I was able to be with them - 3 years before my father died and 5 years before my mother died.
I strongly urge the two of you to go into family counseling to work on this. I suspect there may be other underlying issues that neither of you is talking about. Clearly you are resentful of his family, who make no effort to keep in touch and, I suspect, make little effort to visit or keep in touch with the aging parents. And you are resentful of your siblings, who make no effort to visit you when they could well afford it. I find myself wondering if your dh is the oldest child and has that "oldest child" strong sense of responsibility.
It just seems to me that there are a whole lot of issues going on, and maybe a neutral, trained third party could help the two of you to surface them and talk honestly about them.
Actually, Ginny, DH is the baby of the family and the only boy. He has two sisters. One lives about 30 minutes from his parents and the other about 2 hours away. They visit their parents as often as they can but they both have young children and families of their own that keep them busy. One sister is widowed. His parents help his sisters out by babysitting sometimes but his mom is a home body and hates to leave her house.
We have been away from "home" for several years now. Both my parents passed away while I was away. I did manage to go back and care for my Dad for 3 months before his passing. With my mom, I wasn't so lucky. She was ill, I went back to visit for a week and the doctor said she would be fine and I could come back over Christmas and visit. She passed on the 24th of November. Yes, it was hard, but I'm an adult and I got over it. My parents would have loved to have me closer but understood that the opportunities for us weren't as plentiful there as they are here. I wish his parents would just let it go and maybe then he could too.
I've been doing some more thinking and I'm thinking I MIGHT be behaving harsely. I could just support him since the chances of him getting one of these jobs he's applying for are "slim to none". Not that he is not qualified, but that each posting notes that external applicants will only be considered if there are no qualified internal applicants.
My sister, who also wants us to move back, made a good point today. She said he moved here b/c of me since I had a job here. He was working part-time for the government but only moved to BC b/c I had accepted a job here. We weren't married at the time. She said if I had not moved, he would still be there, probably making a decent wage.
Maybe I should just give in, sell everything and hope for the best when we got there. We could put the $69000 we would make from the sale of our home into savings and rent until we found work.
I'm torn now. I do know that something has to change or my marriage will suffer more.
One thing that struck me was this sentence in your post
"Yes, it was hard, but I'm an adult and I got over it"
It sounds like you are angry at him for wanting to be with his parents while you can't be with yours anymore, that you don't think it's grownup of him.....just a thought.
I still urge you to go for family counseling. I think you have too many issues to work on and too many issues to be resolved before you make such a major change in your lives. What you are looking for, I think, is what the Quakers call "consensus". That doesn't mean that everyone agrees. It means that while you may not be totally happy with the decision, it is a decision everyone can live with and not throw it back in the other's face in a few years, saying "I did thus and so for you and made this sacrifice for you, and what are you doing for me?" That is a terrible thing to have happen in a marriage and family, and I think until you get some of your individual and collective issues worked out neither of you is going to be very happy.
Paula, I think you seem to be working this through on your own very well. And I think it is big of you to admit "I'm thinking I MIGHT be behaving harshly". It is hard not to be defiant when we aren't getting what we see as our way..... I think that change is scary and that such a big move is even scarier. BUT if you can get past this and reconnect with your DH I bet you can work this through together. But you have to be able to give also. "Okay, we will give this a try but if this doesn't happen by such and such a time then this will happen." (move back) Some times we just have to trust and let go of the control a little. That said we have had mom's not want to relocate before and in many cases it ended up being the best thing they ever did. So take a breath and try to relax.. And Ginny has a good suggestion, if you really feel you are at the point where you need someone elses help to work through this.
Thanks for the advice everyone. Right now I guess it really is a non issue since he doesn't even have an offer of employment.
Maybe we will have an opportunity to discuss it more at the Marriage Encounter Weekend
Paula, I would be behaving just like you! lol It is hard for me to think about moving after living here for 20 yrs and dh talks alot about moving to a different COUNTRY just for the experience. My thoughts are that he can go alone and the kids and I will come visit him lol!!!!!
I found out that my dh's Mom/StepDad may be putting their RV on our property in Missouri (30 min from our home in Arkansas) and living there. I was shocked when my mil said this to me. Yeah, thats right-- dh invited her without my knowledge. He had mentioned it to me a few months ago-- but had never said anything else to me about it. Over Spring Break mil tells me. They are getting older and want to be closer. Atleast they are willing to move here-- because honestly I would not move my kids to go live closer to them. I guess that sounds terrible but atleast I am honest. lol I am not excited about not having any privacy on our property when we go up to it. We go up there alot to ride 4-wheelers, cut firewood, eat picnic lunches, dream about building a house there, and we do some skeet shooting, hunting. We have talked about putting calves up there for the boys to learn to raise and a horse... Alot of this will stop if someone is living there. Sometimes I think my dh just doesnt THINK!
Good luck with your situation!!! Let us know what happens.
|
Members
