My daughter has a birthday next month and she (with just a little prompting) has decided that she would like to have her friends bring "gifts" for someone else instead of gifts for her. She has decided that she wants to do something for the kids that are left behind in the orphange in China that her brother lived in. My question is would you be OK with your child being invited to a birthday party where they ask for no presents for the birthday girl but rather for a monetary donation to be used to purchase an item(s) for children who are less fortunate?

By Kay on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 08:20 pm:

That is so incredibly unselfish of your daughter! You should be very proud of the young lady you have raised. We've never been invited to such a party, but if we were, I would definitely let the mom know how special I think the gesture is!

By Annie2 on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 08:34 pm:

IMO, unless this was totally your dd's idea, which it wasn't because of the "little prompting", I wouldn't go forward with it. Her birthday is HER birthday and the presents she receives are for HER. It's her special, one day of the year which is just for her.
However, I would be positive and proactive about teaching her about compassion, volunteering, etc. throughout the entire year; but not on her special day.
She can do a bake sale, lemonade stand, car wash, etc. to raise money for her cause. Kudos for your dd!

By Katiesmommy on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 08:37 pm:

The only problem I see with this, is how much the parents my feel they "need" to donate. I mean, a gift is a gift but giving actual money..even for a great cause. I personally would feel cheap if all I gave was $15.00 but have no problem spending that for a gift..I do not mean to cause debate here..I just know some people may feel more obligated/pressed to give more of a donation than they may spend on a gift. I think it would be great of maybe you put, not to exceed $25.00 or something..I don't know, just seems a bit awkward, but I do applaud your daughter for her unselfish act..what a mature young lady
Amy

By Mommyof4 on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 08:38 pm:

I'm sorry I didn't make myself clear. The "little prompting" was showing her the need for the kids left in China. Don't worry my children have MORE MORE MORE than enough material goods and attention. Plus this is just for her birthday party with her friends she still has 2 other family parties for a total of THREE parties. How much more special can we get?

By Mommyof4 on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 08:42 pm:

Thanks for your response Amy that is exactly what I am concerned about. The cost of one baby bouncer is $8.00 and really I think that amount at the most would be plenty but should we include that information on the invitation? And if so how to word it????

By Mommmie on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 09:30 pm:

My son was invited to a donation party. The toys went to the Children's Hospital or something and they did that, they *said, because the kid got a Gamecube from his parents and they thought that was indulgent enough. The next years were not donation parties interestingly despite him getting large gifts from his parents.

My son is 10 and gifts are so unnecessary at this point (everyone automatically gives $20 Target gift certificates), that if he has a party for his 11th birthday, it will be a No Gifts party instead of a donation party. There's just something I don't like about it, but I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's because people are hit up for donations *constantly or that of all the families in real life I know who have done this (of which only 1 was a friend of my son's mentioned above) they were all people who were doing it for all the wrong reasons, namely that they thought they were better than everyone else. (Not saying that's you, since you obviously have a personal connection to her charity.)

By Reds9298 on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 09:38 pm:

Unless I was a close friend of your family and received this invitation I might think 'mmmm, strange' and feel a little uncomfortable with it. If someone personally doesn't choose to donate to your cause then they may feel uncomfortable..how can they show up with no donation and with no gift? Or if they don't donate and bring a gift to compensate then everyone knows and it's just an uncomfortable situation. I'm sure your hearts are in the right place and I admire your efforts, but a birthday party IMO just isn't the place for this. My nephew has a deep need to save the endangered animals in Madagascar and he saves and sends his allowance for this cause which is important to him. Now if your child gets $30 in cash from birthday gifts and chooses to donate it to the orphanage that's a completely different story.

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 09:54 pm:

The "little prompting" makes me very uncomfortable too. And unless the donor is someone who knows your family very well, they may feel that when they donate they'd rather give to other places.

I am really uncomfortable with this. I think if your daughter really, really wants to do this, it ought to be one of the family parties, not one for her close friends.

Or, your daughter could say in the invitation that because your family is personally aware of the needs of orphan children in China, she would like very much to have her friends give her a small gift of money (under $10.00) to be put into one larger gift to an orphanage in China, rather than a present.

I think you do have to make an explanation, and I think it is important to put a top dollar limit on it for each child's gift.

And maybe, have some Chinese theme stuff for the party - the little paper parasols on the beverages, fortune cookies ... I've run out of ideas.

Personally, I have strong feelings about making or talking children into being generous toward someone else, or sharing. I think it is very important that this kind of feeling grow from within a child.

I hear what you say about your daughter is not going to be "cheated" in any way. But still, I am uncomfortable.

One of the thoughts that crossed my mind is that part of the pleasure in a birthday party for the children who are guests is the pleasure of seeing their friend open their presents. I wonder if the guests will feel a bit cheated.

By Mommyof4 on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 10:04 pm:

Thanks for all the input. I wasn't sure about how this would work out so that someone wouldn't be offended but Megan still got to do what she really wanted for her birthday. I think asking for it at the family party is the way to go and wonder now why that totally escaped me.....

By Tunnia on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 11:08 pm:

My dd attended a birthday party where they asked on the invitation for a book to be brought to donate to an urban library and no gifts for the birthday child. It was a good cause and their hearts were in the right place, but my dd wanted to give HER FRIEND a gift, not the library! So I bought a couple of books to donate and my dd picked out a present to give to her friend. It was interesting to see that almost all the other children at the party did the same thing as my dd. Just thought I'd tell you our experience with a donation party.

By Mommyof4 on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 11:39 pm:

Thanks Stacy! That reinforces for me that the family party is the way to go. And again I have to wonder at why the obvious sometimes totally escapes me? LOL

By Vicki on Saturday, March 19, 2005 - 08:01 am:

I also was going to say that I would feel obligated to bring both a donation gift and one for the birthday girl. That might be the way it would make others feel and really bother them??? I just couldn't go to to a party for a child and not give them a gift!! I do think the family party is the best solution for you!

By Kay on Saturday, March 19, 2005 - 02:58 pm:

I'm sticking with my original thought above - kids' birthdays and parties have gotten WAY out of hand over the years, and have become 'events'. I know kids whose parents are throwing them a teen bday party so they can save up for a car, because they know if they invite lots of people, they'll get lots of money.

In 21 years of going to bday parties, getting an invitation to help others would be SO refreshing, and could teach such a great lesson to my own children at the same time.

By Yjja123 on Saturday, March 19, 2005 - 03:10 pm:

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/29/story_2974_1.html

Above is a link to one such party and it gives helpful tips in planning a party for charity.
I personally believe it is a great idea. The above link suggests using envelopes or drop boxes so no one feels bad about donating even just a dollar. It can be planned right without people feeling they must also bring a present. Simply include in the invitation your childs desire to give rather than to get for her birthday. I do think it is important for a child to have *their day* but who is to say that the charity day will not accomplish that. My children try to do one good deed a day (try) and they get so much joy out of the things they do. There is a great satisfaction out of giving. I think the family should give her gifts/small family gathering but the children's party is a perfect for a charity event. You can spend more time doing a fun activity rather than kids watching your child open gifts. Make it a fun party and other kids may follow suit and her whole classroom could get rolling with other charity parties or doing good deeds.
Good luck!
Yvonne

By Yjja123 on Saturday, March 19, 2005 - 03:58 pm:

"USA Weekend
Issue Date: April 6, 2003 In this article:
What do kids want that money can't buy?
Kid-friendly ways to give
Ask Jean Chatzky a money question!

Parties without the presents"
For some kids, celebrating their birthday is a time to give to those in need.
The invitations to one brother and sister's recent birthday parties read like those of just about every kid in their New York town: two hours of food, fun and friends. But an odd request came at the bottom: "No gifts." Instead, Sophie, who joined forces with another birthday girl, asked that contributions be made to a safe house for families in trouble. Jason, who teamed up with another boy celebrating his birthday, requested that donations be made to Hoops for Hope, an organization focused on bringing kids' basketball to South Africa.
Charities report kids are responsible for raising more of their funds than ever.
Was this something the preteens thought of on their own? No, admits mom Cindy, who first suggested the idea of a party for charity to Sophie (now 12) when she turned 8. Jason (now 10) followed suit a few years later. "Believe me, at 8, if we didn't suggest it, it wasn't going to occur to them," says their mother, who asked that we not print her family's name or hometown.
But it wasn't something she had to force on the kids, either. Both got so involved in the money- making effort -- Jason and his friend's last party raised $1,500 -- that they were eager to do it again. "It makes the kids feel good," their mother says. In fact, donations in lieu of gifts seems to be a trend in their small town: Six of the birthday parties Jason has attended since September have requested donations only.
And this community isn't the only one of its kind. Although the evidence is anecdotal, charities -- particularly those where kids understand the mission and how it's accomplished -- report that kids are responsible for raising more of their funds than ever. Heifer International, for example, where donations go to purchase livestock for poor families, says children raised $100 million in 2002, some through regular donations but a growing portion from birthdays and bar and bat mitzvah celebrations.
For her new book, "What Kids Really Want That Money Can't Buy: Tips for Parenting in a Commercial World" (Warner, $22.95), Betsy Taylor surveyed 2,000 kids and almost as many parents. Of the adults, 87% said that their kids are too materialistic and that they worry about kids' values. Some parents want to de-emphasize commercialized parties that involve elaborate entertainment and goodie bags, Taylor says. They don't advocate doing without presents altogether -- many who opt for donations-only parties still give at least one special gift to their child -- they just want more balance. Think three-legged races, not three of the latest video games.
Would that kind of switch bother today's kids? Taylor's research says no. Her study shows what children really want is time with family and friends as well as to have fun. Oh, and in their downtime, they'd also like to save the world.
"In my [research], lots of kids talked about helping other people, people who don't have as much as they do," Taylor says. "Frankly, it gave me hope. I came away thinking, 'With kids like this in the world, we're all going to be OK.' "
Contributing Editor Jean Chatzky is the author of "Talking Money" (Warner Books, $24.95). "

By Lauram on Saturday, March 19, 2005 - 07:20 pm:

My son has actually chosen to do this. HIs party is on April 9th. He has chosen Heifer INternational as his charity because he wants to feed "hungry families." We researched charities together and narrowed down options. THen a friend of mine gave us a book called Beatrice's Goat (great book BTW) and he was sold on doing this. THe thing about charity giving, is you really have to give up something. My son is giving up presents- to help families in need. He will still get presents from his family and from us (and we'll probably purchase an animal in his name too). On the invitation, I wrote "In lieu of presents, Douglas is requesting that you consider donating to Heifer international." I then gave a website so they can look themselves. The animals are in ten dollar increments. I have only received one regret from the party. Many parents have commented how their child is loving this. It's very age appropriate (the animal thing). He's turning 8. In the goodie bags, in addition to traditional fare, I'm putting a list of books that the kids could read if they are interested in learning more.

By Yjja123 on Saturday, March 19, 2005 - 07:26 pm:

Laurum
Can I have the list of books? We are ALL doing the Heifer international project for Christmas this year.
Thanks!
Yvonne

By Melissa on Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 07:52 am:

We went a party like this the kid was 7, and the donations were asked to go to Habitat for Humanity. I wasn't offended but I do kind of think that when you're 7 you want to get a buch of presents from your friends. I thought it was the parents doing. If my dd thought of it herself I'd say sure, but I wouldn't initiate it.
That said I don't care if others do, I'd rather give money to Habitat for Humanity than buy a Barbie.

By Lauram on Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 12:17 pm:

Here is my list of books: Beatrice's Goat by Page Mc Brier, Faith the Cow, by Susan Bame Hoover, If the World Were a Village: A book about the World's People by David J. Smith and Uncle Willie and the Soup Kitchen by Dyanne DiSalvo-Ryan.

I just wanted to add- it makes me very sad to read how many people feel that this is not a good idea because the children will feel slighted. What is wrong with teaching a child, from a very young age, that wants are very different from needs. This is something I feel very strongly about. I just was explaining to my three year old why I brought Nutrigrain bars (for people who are hungry and don't have money for the grocery store) and wipes (for mommies who don't have money to buy them for their babies) to church today. I personally teach my children to feel blessed at how lucky they are and to give to those who are less fortunate. What's wrong with that?!

Frankly, it makes my stomach turn to hear that children would be deprived if they didn't receive 20 birthday presents from all their friends.

JMHO.....

By Vicki on Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 12:56 pm:

Lauram, I can't speak for others, but I feel that those lessons can be taught through out the year and don't have to be on the one special day that is for the child. My dd and I just bought a bunch of school supplies yesterday that their school is collecting for children in Iraq. We also give food to different drives and all kinds of other things that teacher her about giving to those less fortunate and to know how lucky she is. Every year in Novemeber we do a huge clean out of her playroom and gather toys for the good will. I just don't think she needs to learn how lucky she is on her one special day of the whole year that is just about her! I am not saying it is a terrible idea at all!! What I did say is that I wouldn't feel comfortable going to a party like that and not giving something to the child also. So that would make me feel like I have to give for the charity and for the child. And, I would likely do that, but I could see how others could be a little funny about it. Would dd feel deprived if she didn't get anything for her birthday? I wouldn't call it a deprived feeling as much as a let down feeling. I feel all kids need that one special day that is just about them. They are little kids with that excitment about them for so little of a time, they have their whole life to learn such life lessons!