Okay here is my situation. It seems like when my husband is underway (out to sea) he acts like he is single. Well, not quite but it kiind of feels like it. Right now they are in Seattle and he is off the boat the second they let him until at least 10:00 at night. He runs around Seattle every day all day. So I don't get my phone call until then. It has sometimes been until midnight when he calls. I feel like is should grow up and quit hanging out with all these young single guys. Well, we are young but single and young makes it worst. He has been there for 2 weeks and has gone to the bar once. It really doesn't sound that bad but on the other patrols when they are out in the sea for 2 weeks at a time and port some where for a few days he goes to the bars every night. The last time he was home I have told him how I feel about bars and that I don't like him going. He said fine then I won't go to bars and that he didn't know that I felt that way. I try not to yell and B**** while he is gone because I really don't want to fight while he is gone. So that is why I sat him down the last time he was home. Well, now that he went to the bar the other night I feel like it was a total slap in my face. He had called me earlier in the day on his lunch and told me what a bad day he was having but I feel like why does he have to go to a bar then just because he had a bad day. Like it makes it any better or okay. He doesn't see me going to the bars because I had a bad day with Kaylee and need a break from her. I deal with it and then get over it. My main concern is they always stop in Victoria, Canada on their way home. Well the last 2 times, which is every time since we have been stationed here he has gone out to the club and doesn't call me at all that day. He won't call until the next day they get there because the first day he wants to go to that club with all the other guys off the boat. Well, this time they have okayed it for his older brother to sail with them. I am way worried that he is going to go to this club and get way more wasted then before to show off to his older brother since they have not hung out at all since they have been out of high school and have both turned 21. I feel like telling him that if he goes then don't plan on calling me at all while in Canada and find his own ride home when the boat pulls in. Sorry just needed to vent.

By Hlgmom on Friday, March 11, 2005 - 09:59 pm:

I understand your frustration, but is there a trust issue involved? Or do you just not like the fact that he is going??? I would definetely be annoyed if he was going all the time, but I would not think it was a big deal if he went occasionally. At least he is telling you about it and not sneaking around. I am not taking his side, just trying to offer another point of view. Are you concerned about his behaviour if he is wasted?

By Kayleesmommy on Friday, March 11, 2005 - 10:07 pm:

Oh I completely trust him. There has never been anything that would make me think he was cheating or anything along that line. I just feel that now that we are married and have a kid he needs to grow up. I just don't like bars. Both my parents are alcoholics and had to deal with it growing up so I think that may be the reason I hate him drinking.

By Hlgmom on Friday, March 11, 2005 - 10:25 pm:

That makes sense. Maybe you can try and put into perspective what he is doing there versus what your parents were like. Does he drink alot?

By Kayleesmommy on Friday, March 11, 2005 - 10:48 pm:

No he doesn't drink a lot. When he is home he hardly drinks at all. When he goes to the bars he call me afterwards most of the time and he doesn't sound drunk. I guess I just wish he could find something else to do. He has told me he goes because that is the only things opened and he wants a break from the boat that he is on and also that everyone he likes to hang out with goes there. So he either goes to the bar with them or has to go back to the boat.

By Juli4 on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 09:09 am:

I feel the same way you do about bars and would definetely feel the same way as you on the subject. But then I wonder what else is there to do. It is either go to a bar and hang out with friends or go to the boat that he has been stuck on for a long time. I mean I am sure it is a relief to get to go somewhere other than the boat. I am sure it is not like a cruise. I perfectly understand what you are saying and really would feel the same way. Is there anything else to do when the stop?

By Karen~moderator on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 09:19 am:

I'm probably going to catch some flack for this response, but I can take the heat. LOL

I grew up in a family full of alcoholics too, so I truly understand your feelings and concerns about drinking.

But you have said a few things that I feel need to be pointed out:

1) He doesn't drink a lot
2) He rarely drinks when he's at home
3) You completely trust him
4) He calls you afterwards most of the time and he doesn't sound drunk
5) He wants a break from the boat that he is on and everyone he likes to hang out with goes there. So he either goes to the bar with them or has to go back to the boat.

You have made your feelings about this known to him. You know he's not out fooling around and he doesn't hang out in bars when he is home instead of spending time with his family. If this is the only time he does this, and he is truly going to the bar to get off the boat, and there is nothing else to do where he is, can you cut him a little slack?

If it were me - and it's not - I'd pick my battles wisely with this one. You cannot control another human being. He knows how you feel about this, and you know he's not doing it to excess. It sounds like his reason for being there is completely honest. If your marriage is strong otherwise, I wouldn't make too much of it at this point.

JMO.......and we all know what they say about opinions........

By Vicki on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 09:26 am:

I think I would look at this with yourself honestly. Like Karen pointed out above, there are many things about what he is doing that should be fine. Are you sure that you are not feeling this way because you feel stuck at home and part of it is that you feel you never get a break so why should he??? I am not faulting that because it is exactly how I would feel too!! LOL But if that is the real issue, there are lots of things you can do to resolve that. Hire a babysitter and go out to dinner once in a while with a friend, go to the movies, take a floral arranging class, join a scrapbookers group or what ever it is that interests you. I don't think this has so much to do with what he is doing as it is the way you might be feeling about what you can't do. I could be way off base, but I know that is how I would feel. Get yourself a sitter once in a while and do something fun for you and I bet that helps!!

By Trina~moderator on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 09:39 am:

Ditto Karen.

By Kernkate on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 09:46 am:

Ditto Ditto Karen

By Melanie on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 09:56 am:

Triple ditto Karen.

By Boxzgrl on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 10:16 am:

I think if you trust him and he's not spending a fortune in the bars, he should be able to relax a bit. I think its a guy thing. But honestly, I see no reason for a married man to hang out with a bunch of single guys. What could they really have in common? The majority of single guys when going out are looking for a girl, plain and simple. So, that would leave your hubby sitting alone in a bar anyways. \my DH has maybe 1 or 2 single friends but the most he ever hangs out with them is having them come to our house for a barbeque. Other than that, most of the single guys DH knows want to go out and drink, go to strip clubs and find a girl to take home for the night.

But, thats just my take on it. That being said, my opinion is a little bias and maybe a bit unfair on my thoughts of single guys. Good luck to you and maybe a compromise with your DH would work? Every other time he can go to the bar instead of everytime? I dunno.

By Mrsheidi on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 10:22 am:

Hi Shyan,
I don't blame you for feeling this way. I would be TOTALLY upset if he didn't call and went out to the bars. I really don't miss those days...at all.
My DH did the same thing and I DID trust him, but the situations are always different when they are drunk. They tend to be a little more "friendly" with the opposite sex and they DO act different around other guys, especially when they drink.
Just stick to your guns. I've always been the person that says, "Never apologize for how you feel", just make sure you think about how you express how you feel. Tell him you totally understand how it's hard to be stuck on a boat and all you want to do is have fun when you get off, but that the liquor does bother you and yeah, you ARE jealous...I would be! I told my DH that when he goes on business trips, I don't get the chance to spend so freely on dinners and drinks, so he understands he has to take it easy. Still have fun, but realize that with marriage comes responsibility and consideration for your lifetime partner.
I think some of the big "kickers" for me are the fact that he would be spending money on alcohol. That money belongs to both of you...not saying he shouldn't have fun, but maybe tell him that whatever he spends on alcohol, you can spend the same amount on something for yourself?
Over all, I think he just has to be considerate of your feelings. Maybe he can come up with a solution so he doesn't feel like you're telling him what to do? Marriage is all about compromise...what are you willing to live with, and vice versa?

By Colette on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 10:28 am:

Ditto Karen.

By Debbie on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 11:05 am:

Ditto Karen. I think you really need to pick and choose your battles. I can understand your fellings since you have alcoholism in your family. However, I can see your dh's side too. He is not getting drunk, he is not taking time away from you and your family, and it doesn't seem to be a problem for him. It sounds like he is going more for the socialization then the drinking.

By Palmbchprincess on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 12:13 pm:

I also agree with Karen, it seems to me you asked him to not go as often, and he cut back. (Unless I'm misunderstanding the post) As far as it being single guys, would you say the majority of the guys in his unit are single? Should he sit alone and sulk because he cannot hang out with non-married men?

By Kernkate on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 12:26 pm:

Shyan the pic in your profile is so cute!!!

By Heaventree on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 12:51 pm:

I agree with Karen, however, see if you can come to a compromise, at the very least he can call you on those days. If he doesn't have a cell, get him a calling card. He can step out of the bar for 20 mins and give his lovely wife a call.

By Kayleesmommy on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 01:17 pm:

Thank you all for the advice. Maybe it is just my problem. I have always told him that if drinking comes a problem then I would leave him because my kids will not live in an alcoholic house. I did and I hated it so why put my kids through it. It obviously hasn't gotten there but I guess I feel if he is going to the bars what if that does happen. I also think that it maybe because I am stuck home raising his daughter why he goes out and has all the fun. We live on an island with NOTHING to do so I can't even take a car ride. It is beautiful up here but I have already seen everything. Our only place to shop here is Wal Mart so I can even just go to a mall and browse.
Another good thing is he hardly spends any money at the bar. I have told him that if he spends a lot there then that money comes out of what he wants to do to his truck so he is real good with not spending too much. Maybe just 2-3 beers. I do understand that he does need to get away from the boat and he has really been hating the boat lately because he just got a chief that is a jerk so I think he is dealing with a lot of stress. Last night I told him that I don't think either one of us understands how hard it is for the other one. Well, thanks again. Need to quit typing Kaylee pooped and I can smell it from here

By Boxzgrl on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 01:35 pm:

I wouldn't get upset if it's just 2-3 beers. For most people, its a great way to unwind from a long, hard day. Me, I hate beer. But DH will come home and have 2 beers probably 3 nights a week just to relax from a long day. It's nothing big. If he were taking shot after shot, then i'd have a problem.

By Kym on Saturday, March 12, 2005 - 06:50 pm:

I'm gonna take a stab and say while he is away you are 100% mommy, and that gets old, so its worse when he's at a bar without responsibility?? If this rings true you owe to your kids, your dh and mostly to yourself to spend some time on just YOU. Just make sure you are taking care of you while he's away. Because it sounds like that is what he is doing, releasing stress, having friendships and finding an escape away from work. You need to do the same, a SAHM is a job, and its real work,honor that, yourself and your marraige.
Having your own fun, interests, and activities goes a long way in a stable marraige.
As far as his brother goes, he probabally will go overboard, but I think that's very normal. I was just with a girlfreind on a trip, just her and I, and we went out one night and had a hoot! I drank more than normal (2 beers and 1/2 shot) and hollared at the band, danced and laughed my butt off. With no intentions at all of cheating on my dh or doing anything I'd regret, but just letting loose with an old buddy and having a great time.

BTW I saw your adorable pix in your profile, watch out for those packing peanuts, we found one in a diaper last weekLOL

Hope all of the great advice you are getting eases your mind