Can this relationship be saved? (very long)
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Can this relationship be saved? (very long)
A little history on my DH (well not really married but have been living together for almost 5 years and have a son together). We met online, talked on the computer and on the phone for almost 3 months before we actually "met" in person. Our first date was 27 hours long and from that day forward we were pretty much insepaparable (sp??) things moved REALLY fast for us. Within the first two months of dating I found out I was pregnant (yes we moved fast, I wouldn't change anything but don't reccommend it) and at that point we were on the verge of breaking up because we were realizing that we didn't have a whole lot in common. We decided to give it another try and ended up moving in together, going through a difficult pregnancy, and having our son.
We live day to day, have now for 4 years but honestly aren't "in love" with each other, we love each other and care deeply for each other but never had that "can't eat can't sleep" feeling. (I've never had that for anyone...) My DH (we'll call him) has been moving up in his career and I'm currently in school almost finished and we're both realizing we're not happy. He's been staying at work later and going out with friends, I let him watch our son in the evenings while I get on the computer or go and lay down. It's pretty bad... We haven't been intimate in at least 8 months.
We had a "talk" the a couple of weeks and realized that we have a real problem but weren't sure what to do about fixing it (if it can be) but nothing really got accomplished. The past two weeks have been getting progressively worse and last night we finally ended up talking again.
We established that we're at a point that "we" can't handle this, "we" are clueless as what to do, BUT we aren't ready to give up just yet. We've decided that we are going to try counseling but in my heart I just believe this is prolonging the inevitable really. Can two people who have virtually nothing in common stay/live together as man and wife? There's nothing besides CSI that we "both" enjoy, we've tried finding things we are just two very different people who honestly want/need different thigns.
I grew up in a home where my parents were unhappy all of my teenage years and I don't want that for our son. I would rather him see two parents separately happy than two very unhappy parents together. I know it sounds like I've given up already, I haven't I just am beside myself with worry, fear, etc on what our future holds.
Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading if you've gotten this far.
going anonymous because if for some reason he or his fmaily saw this he'd be really upset.
I think that you are doing every thing you can to make sure you are doing the right thing. If you didn't go to counseling & just gave up you may later in life just wonder. It sounds like you will remain friends if things don't work out & that is the best thing you can do for your ds.
Good luck & I am here if you need me.
Ditto Emily....Best of luck to you on whatever decision you make.
What made it work for the 4 years? Could it just seem magnified because of school & anything else going on at the moment?
Ditto Emilly too.
At least you aren't just throwing the gloves down and giving up. You are going to try and make things work, if you can't then you can't. But atleast you tried.
{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
I think you're doing the right thing by trying. At least you can say you felt like you did everything you could and if it doesn't work out, you can feel good about your efforts. Just remember that life is very short and both you and your dh deserve to be happy and 'in love', and your son deserves a good relationship model. I hope everything works out for the best!
Yes, I think two very different people can be married and make it work. Hubby and I are married 37 years now. He's conservative. I'm liberal. He's a loner. I'm gregarious. He's cheap. LOL I've learned not to be a spendthrift. Years ago, folks married for different reasons. The "Can't live without each other," romance wasn't a good reason, and frankly, I don't think that's what marriage is all about anyway. That sort of feeling isn't a life-long thing for almost all couples. A lucky few are romantic until the day they die, but most care deeply about each other and show it in low keyed support and devotion. I think counseling could help you both to realize whether you have the kind of love and commitment that will overshadow all the flash and dash. It can help you connect romantically again. I'd give it a try. I'll be praying and hoping for you both.
Good for you on going to counselling.
I will say this, if you are going to try to make things work, really try. When you go into counselling thinking in your heart that it won't work, guess what? It probably won't. Try to go into counselling with an open heart and an open mind, and be willing to try things that might be out of your comfort zone. Change and new things are scary, but you owe it to your partner, your son and yourself to make the effort.
I like what Dr Phil says about splitting up, you have to earn your way out. If it is really not going to work, then you have the comfort of knowing you did your absolute best, and no one could ever ask more of you than that.
It is not fair to your son to stay in a situation that is wrong for you, especially when children look to their parents to learn how relationships work and how they should be treated by their future life partner.
Whatever the result, I wish you all the best in this journey.
I agree 100% with Bea.
I think most any relationship can be saved, if you want it to. It's great you're going to counseling, but don't set yourself up for failure by going in there thinking it's going to fail anyway. Think positively!!! {{{{{Hugs}}}}}
Ditto Bea, also.
It sounds to me like your husband is willing to work on the relationship, and that is a big plus. Everyone knows that its harder to stay and work out your differences, then run to the next mate. 
If you searched hard enough you may be able to find some stuff you have in common. I truly believe opposites attract and make the best couples. It would be pretty boring if you had no differences then him and loved everything he loved. Goodluck
I agree. If you both work at it you can make the marriage work. Go to therapy.
He is a decent guy. You are a decent lady.
You got more going for you than quite alot of people.
I am sure you can find something incommon. Earth shattering sex doesn't last that long for most people anyway.
Seems to me you are taking the right steps, and have gotten good advice above. The only thing I would say is to go into the counseling with the hope/plan/expectation that you will find a way to make the relationship work, rather than going in thinking there is no way it can work.
Yes, two very different people can live together happily. It takes compromise, understanding, and patience, and a will to make it work. (But, sometimes it doesn't - I ended my marriage of 19 years, so clearly I am not one who advises staying married "for the sake of the kids". The kids won't thank you for that, I guarantee.)
Darryl Sifford, who was a writer for the Philadelphia Inquirer, said one time that a relationship can work if the two people involved have three significant values in common. What that means is that you have to decide what your significant values are, and whether you have three of them in common. They can be anything tht is important to you - a love of classical music (or blues, or rock, or country), valuing truth-telling, kindness to other people, faith/religion/church, children, walks in the country, NASCAR - whatever, as long as whatever it is, is important to you and you hold it in common with him. Look for some significant values.
Oh, and that "can't eat, can't sleep" feeling - otherwise known as "being in love". That's for kids and deep romantics and the first stages of a relationship. Relationships that last settle down into a being friends, partners, people who share each others lives and value each other, are considerate and thoughtful of each other and care about each other. It's the difference between wearing those 3-1/2" patent leather high heel boots, and wearing Reeboks. The high heel boots are gorgeous and fun for a short time but eventually your feet and back hurt, and if you are going to go anywhere, you will probably opt for the Reeboks.
I've had that can't eat, can't sleep feeling. It didn't last (I don't think it ever does), there was a lot of pain in the end, and I realized that I was "in love with love", rather than being in a loving relationship. Personally, I think it is better to love and be loved (which you say is in your relationship) than to be "in love". Being "in love" means living your life focused around the other person - being loved means you are your own person with your own life and your partner loves you as you are and as your own person. Much better, imo, and much more likely to last through thick and thin. "In love" wears out quickly when the going gets rough because the rose-colored glasses can't hide the rough patch - better to have clear eyes.
I have no additional advice to add to the great advice above, but I wanted to send out (((HUGS))) to you and tell you I''m glad you are trying to save your relationship rather than just throwing in the towel without a fight.
Personally, I think it is better to love and be loved (which you say is in your relationship) than to be "in love". Being "in love" means living your life focused around the other person - being loved means you are your own person with your own life and your partner loves you as you are and as your own person. Much better, imo, and much more likely to last through thick and thin. "In love" wears out quickly when the going gets rough because the rose-colored glasses can't hide the rough patch - better to have clear eyes. <<<< this is Ginny's and I think it's important...
I've been with my b/f for well just over two years. I love him we've already moved mostly into that comfortable I'm here you're there we have our own lives but we share one together too. It's great...I've been "in love" before and found that as soon as that feeling wore off there wasn't a whole lot of substance. My b/f and I have very few things we like doing that are the same....but we make allowances. I'd say the only thing we both love equally is camping. I love to read he loves music...he watches tv..I'm not big into tv...I like walks on the beach and he prefers snuggling on the couch. I'm outgoing and outspoken he's quiet and while he likes going out he's quieter. He likes hockey...I don't understand it (although I enjoyed the live game we went too once) I don't like watching it on tv..and if I do watch it with him it's only in the playoffs. We've also settled it on how we "plan" to do it when we're living together or married (which is eventually where we want to be together) he doesn't mind if I want to just sit around and read as long as I don't mind if he has music on. I hate matching socks...he doesn't like ironing...we're going to share the cooking because we both enjoy it. things like that. We're very different but there are ways that I think two people can make it work. With a little effort and some positive thinking maybe you can too. BUT do not stay together simply because of the children...I think that's the worst thing two people can do to each other and their children. I hope that however this works out for you and your dh that you are both happy in the final decision and remember we're always here {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I wanted to jump on here and say thank you for everyone's ((hugs)) and advice/concern. Today was a really rough day for me and I spent 95% of the day in tears, yet I don't really know why?? I talked to a close friend today and there have been many signs/red flags showing how things really were that I just was ignoring. Talking over these things really got me hurting a lot more I guess.
I do know that he called today for an appointment with a counselor today and the quickest appointment isn't until the 16th and then it's just him. I go the next time, and we are together for the third. He said there are a few more on the list and he might call to see if we can get in sooner...
Anyways, I wanted to thank everyone for everything, your responses/advice/hugs have helped me today during a very difficult time.
{{{HUGS}}} I don't have much to add, since I agree with the posters above. Yeah, the crazy "in-love" feeling doesn't last forever, but we both know each other is loved. I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else!
Ditto Bea.........and {{{{HUGS}}}}
Just wanted to say that, even tho I don't have much to add, I wish you well.
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