I just found out my dh has been lying to me for the past 2 years. I am so hurt, but am not sure what to do. I love him but hate him right now too. My question is I want to work things out if possible, but don't really want to share the same bed. Would it be putting my children to much in the middle if I moved my bed into my ds(3 years old) & slept in there with him. I would have to move his bed in the master bedroom for his dad.
He told me he quit smoking when he never did. It would not have been such a huge deal if he would have just been honest instead he lied to me repeatedly & right now the trust is gone.

By My2cuties on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 10:46 am:

I would not put my bed in my childs bedroom it would be putting them in the middle. Maybe you could just put 2 beds in your bedroom, if it is big enough. I hope everything works out. It is not good that he lied to you, but it could always be worse. (((hugs)))

By Kym on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 10:52 am:

Before you make any drastic decisions based on the lie, I'd go to the route of the problem, he is addicted to smoking. It is a major addiction he was probablly intending to quit or hoping or trying etc. If you have not do some research on quitting smoking and find proactive ways to work together to make it happen.
The lack of trust I would guess stems from a lot of issues, take a look at those too.
I think bunking up w/ the kid is not a good idea, it will build a dependency for him to have you with him to sleep and will surely bring up some questions on his part and the answers should not be a burden on your son. If you feel strongly about not sharing a bed w/ dh you could ask him to sleep on the couch and go down after ds and get up before he does. I just really think it would be putting him in the middle of it.
I can tell you are really hurt, but just try to open the communication and get his side before you make big decisions.
Hugs to you and good luck

By Anonymous on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 10:55 am:

I don't have the extra money for 2 beds, I guess I will just move my stuff out of the room & sleep on the sofa.
Thanks Candis.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 11:01 am:

Kym I was typing when you posted.
I have always had issues with trust. I was molested as a child by a man that I trusted. Dh knows about the issues I have & has told me he would never hurt me. I know that quitting is hard, I did it 4 years ago. I am hurt that he never came to me to ask for help in quiting or just being honest about not quitting, but he didn't do that.
It hurts because I had people tell me he was still smoking but he denied it & said I should trust him. I feel stupid because I should have known, I should have forced the issue before it got to this stage of hurt. I think deep down I did know, but I didn't want to think that he was lying to me.

By Happynerdmom on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 11:02 am:

BTDT. Many years ago, I went through the same thing. Smoking is a horrible addiction, but of course it is the lying that hurts. We worked it out, and have been happily married for almost 18 years. Yes, trust has been broken, but it can also be built back up. My dh has tried off and on for years to stop smoking (he never did it at home or in front of me) and as far as I know he is not smoking. But you know what? I've let go of the smoking issue. He knows how I feel, but he is an adult that has to deal with this himself. I'm sure that your dh has a lot of guilt and shame for not being able to kick this habit. My advice is to have an honest conversation with your dh to make sure he understands why you are feeling the way you are, then I would allow myself time to cool down before making any rash decisions. You can work through this if you act like a rational adult, which I know from experience is not how one wants to act in this situation! Lots of (((hugs))), I know what you're feeling.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 11:05 am:

Thank you Michelle, that really helps.
It is hard to act rational all I hve done since catching him was cry & feeling horrible because I know the kids can sense something is wrong.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 11:11 am:

I have recently been in your same situation. His lie was not about smoking, it was about net ••••. It was not so much that he was looking, but that he LIED to me repeatedly about it. It is a long story, but he just directly lied. I was hurt. I too have a history of trust issues from family members. It has been a year since I found out (exactly a year next week). Am I still hurt, yes. But our marriage has certainly weathered the test. What I did was scream and yell and get very upset. I wanted to make him sleep on the couch. What I did do was take a weekend away. I suggest you try to just get away from it. Then think about where you are. I just knew that I did NOT want to be alone, that it was one lie, he did come clean to me (I am not sure why). Did I want to loose over 10 years of marriage over something that really didn't matter. This was my trust issue. We all lie, we don't mean to. And this is a biggie. But don't do anything rash, take some time to cool off and decide what next. Yes he lied to you and that is a big deal, can you ever trust him again? If you decide you can't, you also risk never fully trusting anyone again. I am glad I stayed. I still have moments, but he has really come through with shining colors. I guess I made the decision that this isn't about me, this is about my kids. You can only let your past guide you, but not control you. If you didn't have your past would this be that huge of an issue? You owe it to your children to try to get beyond this. Good luck.

By Luvn29 on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 11:14 am:

I will say, that even though a lot of you will see this as no big deal, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. And I do mean exactly.

Before we were married, my husband promised he would quit dipping (yuck!!!) So he finally did, and I was so proud and relieved. I have had several family members die from cancer from either smoking or dipping. I refused to go through this with my husband if it could be prevented. Yes, I do realize that you can get cancer in other ways, to no fault of anyone, and I would stand by him through all of that.

Anyhow, I was suspicious that he was still dipping, but he kept promising no, no, no. Then one time he finally admitted he had taken a little pinch just for the taste. We got through that. He did this once more. Then I found a skoal can while I was down in the basement with him and he told me it was an old one from before he quit. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Then he finally admitted that he hadn't quit completely, that the skoal can was where he had been going down there and sneaking it, and he had been dipping some at work.

I was furious. But more hurt than anything. It's the trust issue, that he felt he had to lie to me instead of letting me help him work it out.

It didn't matter what it was about, that wasn't the issue. It was the fact that day after day, he had been lying to me and promising me that he wasn't doing it. We NEVER promise each other anything unless we absolutely mean it. This was the first time he ever broke that. It hurt and it made me stop trusting his word.

That has been almost five years ago. And I still ask him once in a while about dipping. And I still have a difficult time believing him about that.

But this will work out. Thankfully, it is only smoking. Although right now, that doesn't help much, I know.

But you need to work with him on this and help him quit smoking and show him you will support him through this and help him, that there is NO NEED to lie to you about it. You need to talk through this just like you would if he had cheated on you. I know I wanted all of the details from where he did it to how often and how much.

It must sound crazy to those who were not hurt in this way, but it is a very definite pain and hurt and anger.

But the best advice I can give you is to tell your husband you need to be able to ask him questions about this whenever you need and to get it all out in the open. Talk, talk, talk. Cry if you need to, get all of that anger and hurt out. And then work through the problem.

It will get better and easier. And I am sure your husband was probably just trying to keep you from getting hurt and it ended up getting out of hand.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

By Happynerdmom on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 11:19 am:

I was fortunate that this happened before we had kids. I read your above post...I can so relate! He would come home from work and his breath would smell like smoke. I would ask him if he had been smoking, and he would say "no," he had just been around a lot of people that had been smoking. And guess what? I would believe him!!! Because of course he wouldn't lie to me! I felt like such an idiot when I learned the truth. That was a big part of what I was upset about...he made me look like a fool! It does hurt, and to this day, I consider it one of the low points in our marriage. But you know, we are all human, and I have done things over these last 18 years that hurt him. This is what happens when two humans have a relationship. But, you deal with it, then pick up and move forward. Marriage can be difficult at times, but life itself is difficult, and it sure is nice to have a friend and lover to make the journey with.

By Tink on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 11:21 am:

My dh has smoked for twenty years now (he's only 32!) and has quit over and over. It used to be a huge issue in my mind. I was so disappointed in him everytime he started again. I finally realized that the decision had to be his. He was lying because he felt guilty. The lying is NOT, in any way, alright but he knew you'd be upset. It is his addiction, his problem with quitting and it needs to be up to him to make that decision. It took me years to come to that place about smoking.

The lying? I would be really upset but I wouldn't be able to not sleep in the same room or bed because of it. If he's slept with someone or had abused me, I'd feel differently but it seems like you are punishing him for it and that is something a mother would do. If you really can't stand to be in the same bed as him, I don't think it is fair to sleep in your son's room and put him in the middle.

OK I"m done opening my big mouth. All of this is just my opinion. I've been there, done that and it feels awful. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way.

By Boxzgrl on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 11:28 am:

Ditto Tink (minus the smoking DH, lol).

(((HUGS))) Anon. I think your DH will have to rebuilt your trust but I dont think seperate rooms will do much. If this is indeed an addiction, he needs you there for him. It will be harder to quit on his own without moral support. He may need you now more than ever, even if he did lie to you for so long.

By Kym on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 12:38 pm:

It is so important that you deal with your trust issues. This may have nothing to do with the smoking but rather your insecurities based on the molestation. Please Please Please remember your husband is not the person that molested you. I'm sure you know what I mean.
You married a smoker, you knew that, you can't make that a deal breaker in your marraige, the issue could/should have been resolved before the wedding. From reading your response to my earlier post if you take smoking out of all the equations you still end up being hurt, if he was not smoking you'd find a way to still not trust, feel ashamed, to feel hurt. Do you know what I"m saying? I think this is probabally the tipping point you've needed to get to for a long time.
I too have been to and gone through, and grown past a similar tipping point in my marraige and it had absolutely NOTHING to do with the "fight" I was trying to start w/ dh, it was insecurities I had carried from many instances in childhood. What you are feeling is real and needs to be dealt with, but I really feel smoking/lying about smoking is the secondary issue hear.
If you think hearing my story will help you, feel free to e-mail me.
I hope your day goes a bit better, it's been a rough one so far, again lots of hugs to you.

By Palmbchprincess on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 01:21 pm:

I have to agree with Tink. I had a hard time quitting even when I was pregnant. You lie when you can't quit because you feel like a failure. I'm not saying he should have, just telling you what it's like in your mind when addicted. But, my ex-husband was in TX and I was in FL for my first trimester, and he was lying to me about all sorts of things big and small. So I definitely can understand where you are coming from. Basically, this would be small in the scheme of things for me, but if it's a big issue for you, you have to deal with it appropriately. However, I don't think moving in your son's room is a good idea. It will affect him, because he's too young to understand relationships, and may perceive it as Mommy doesn't love Daddy anymore. I do think Kym is right on target, you just need to figure out how to work through this in a productive way. Many hugs to you, I know how much it hurts to be lied to.

By Juli4 on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 07:43 pm:

What good would it do to move out of the bedroom? If you want to resolve it then moving out is not going to help. Your 3 year old does not need to be burdened with your and dhs problems. keep them between you and in private. Your dh is vital in your childs life and does not need him smeared or put down and vice versa. I know you feel betrayed and that is very understandable. Shoving him away is not going to help at all. Talking about it will and not in front of your child

By Anonymous on Thursday, March 3, 2005 - 12:50 am:

I did not move out & will not be sleeping on the couch. We talked & although I learned some things that made me a little more mad at him I am commited to my marriage. He said he was going to tell me, I guess the years just got away form him.
Thank you all for your great advice & listening.

By Kym on Thursday, March 3, 2005 - 07:36 am:

YEAH!! I hope you have a better day today, Pandora's box can be ugly but getting it out and go over it, and working through it is such a relief!

By Colette on Thursday, March 3, 2005 - 07:46 am:

I am glad that you didn't move out of the bedroom and that the two of you talked. I hope everything works out.

By Anonymous on Thursday, March 3, 2005 - 10:14 am:

I hope it works out too...I love him to much to let this get in the way.