I hope that didn't sound insensitive. I really have been very blessed not to have dealt with much death in my life. Or the ones that I have have either been sudden or expected. My dh's sister is dying of cancer and hospice has been called in. We are going to see here (hopefully) this week. I am sure that this will be the last time since we live in Il and she lives in Fl. I am in tears everytime I even think of seeing her. I just have no idea what to say, how to act ect... I mean she is still young, 40's and it just seems so unfair. We just met her about two years ago. Long story short. Different mom's, her mom took her away when she was a baby. She found out about 3 years ago that her father had 3 boys and another girl. We and another brother have become fairly close with her. We traveled to see her in May. My ds talks about her all the time and prays for her every night. I am afraid though that after some time my children will forget because they have not known her that long and she does live very far away. But back to my orginal question. I just want to tell her so much how much she has meant to us. But it seems so final. I don't want to spend the whole time just crying. I really can't talk about it anymore right now. It's to upsetting. But I would appreciate any advice for anyone that has btdt. Thanks

By Rayanne on Sunday, February 27, 2005 - 09:48 pm:

I had to go through this with my grandfather. He had dimensia(sp?) and heart problems. It was very rough, and I was pregnant with Rylee at the time, so it took everything in me to try not to get so stressed, and upset, but it's hard when it is someone that you love so dearly.

The best advice I could give you is just tell her, because when she is gone, you don't want to have those "I should have said..." I told my grandfather so much on his death bed. It gave me closer. It was especially hard for me though, because he could not speak, and was basically sleeping all day everyday, but would squeeze my hand when I was near.

Ok, I am getting choked up now. I would just be there for her, and say what your heart says.

By Christylee on Sunday, February 27, 2005 - 10:12 pm:

I've lost 3 grandparents in the past three years, each one a little different and the circumstances in our relationships were different. With ALL of them I told them I loved them and I was happy/proud to have them be a part of my life and made sure they knew how much I loved them. With my Grandpa in Dallas to whom I was MUCH closer to it was much harder because we had this waiting time for it to happen, each time it was just a little harder. You get to a point (or at least I did) where I just knew that was my last goodbye and didnt go back in there.

The circumstances you're in are differnt, I think if it were me I'd just make sure she knew I loved her and how glad you are that you had her in your life for the little time that you did. I also if she isn't to uncomfortable with it take a few pictures, I don't know how she is in thinking, etc...

Big hugs to you and your family, cancer is a horrible thing. I bet when you get there you'll do just fine.

By Missmudd on Sunday, February 27, 2005 - 10:14 pm:

She knows that she is passing on and you know she is passing on, so I think just telling her that you love her and are so grateful that she came into your lives is enough. I think that just listening to her will tell you also what you should say. Also just your presence will be a comfort to her, even if you are teary. I know this is very painful for you, losing the ones we love is the hardest thing we ever have to face. Also talk w/ the hospice staff, they are not only there for the patient but for the family and are very experienced in helping people go through this time.

By Ilovetom on Sunday, February 27, 2005 - 10:15 pm:

First of all- hugs to you. You are sorta lucky though. My best friend recently was put on hospice and we talked just this week about how death is never ever easy, but it's when you don't see it coming.....

You have a chance to tell her what's in your heart. How much knowing her the past two years have meant.

I sat with my Daddy for 2 weeks before watching him die and I wouldn't take that time for anything.

By Bea on Sunday, February 27, 2005 - 11:33 pm:

First of all, allow her to say goodbye. Don't urge her to fight on. She needs to know that it's alright to let go. Just tell her what she means to you, and what she has given to you. Thank her, love her and cry with her. It's not easy, but later it will mean so much.

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, February 28, 2005 - 06:01 am:

I agree with those who say take this time to say all the things you want to say, and let her say the things she wants to say. Let her lead the conversation at first, so that the two of you are "on the same page". I spent two weeks with my brother before he died and we covered a lot of ground - I will always be glad I had that. Help your husband to build good memories for himself, to share with your children. Your dh will always regret the years he didn't know her, but at least he will never regret not having had the chance to tell her how he feels and hear from her how she feels. That "Oh, I wish I had told him/her" is, I think, the worst kind of regret.

By Brandy on Monday, February 28, 2005 - 06:55 am:

I agree with letting them know it's okay to go i did that with my grandpa and it was very hard but i knew he was going and that i didn't want him to be in any more pain = ( ...I also did that with my husbands grandma last year.

By Karen~moderator on Monday, February 28, 2005 - 07:48 am:

As someone with WAY too much experience with this in the last 2 months, I will say: very gently, very honestly! Tell them what they mean to you. Let them know you are here for them. Assure them their loved ones will be taken care of, and last but not least, tell them it's OK to go!!! Most people dying a painful death such as cancer, etc. need to know that. They subconsciously hold on for the living they are leaving behind out of a sense of duty or fear that their loved ones won't be OK without them.

We just went through this with my Mom, now are going through it with DH's Mom.

Let them voice their fears and anger. LISTEN to them.

Above all, touch them and tell them you love them, and that it's OK.

By Karen~moderator on Monday, February 28, 2005 - 07:49 am:

BTW, I am so, so sorry your family is going through this. It is so hard!!! Many prayers for you all.

By Kernkate on Monday, February 28, 2005 - 08:05 am:

{{{Beth and Family}}} So sorry to hear you are going through this.
Everyone gave great advice here. And most of all as everyone said "Tell her how much she means to you" and that it is ok to go and everyone will be ok.
When my mom was dying in August Dad and I were there with her and my cousin who was like a son to my mom came in and said" Antique Helen (thats what her nieces and nephews called her) "Everything is going to be ok and I will make sure Uncle Tom (my Dad) and Kathy are ok. And that was it she was gone. I guess she just needed some reassuring that we would be ok.
Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

By Jann on Monday, February 28, 2005 - 08:54 am:

I agree with Karen, just tell her how much getting to know her meant to you.

By Kay on Monday, February 28, 2005 - 04:14 pm:

I agree - and be up front and honest about your feelings....those who are dying often have a clarity of thought that is astounding. Although watching my dad decline was heartwrenching, I have to say that I was never closer to him or my mom than that last summer we had him.

By Beth on Monday, February 28, 2005 - 05:28 pm:

Well I appreciate everyones advice it meant alot. Unfortunately, my sil passed away this morning. So we will be attending her funeral instead. I will be leaving for Fl in the morning. I just wanted to get a chance to say thank you and let you know. We will get a chance to meet her daughter for the first time so we can share with her what her mother meant! Thanks again

By Jann on Monday, February 28, 2005 - 05:41 pm:

I am so sorry for your loss.
Why not write down all your thoughts in a letter and give it to her daughter.

By Vicki on Monday, February 28, 2005 - 06:02 pm:

I am so sorry. Your in my prayers.

By Missmudd on Monday, February 28, 2005 - 07:53 pm:

Oh I am so sorry, my condolences.

By Karen~moderator on Monday, February 28, 2005 - 08:43 pm:

I'm so sorry! Cancer often takes them quickly when it reaches a certain point. I hope she didn't suffer greatly for a long period of time. That is hard to watch.

Many prayers for your family.

Travel safe.

By Kay on Monday, February 28, 2005 - 08:59 pm:

I'm so sorry for your loss - you and your family are in my prayers.

By Rayanne on Tuesday, March 1, 2005 - 02:06 pm:

Oh, sweetie. I am so very sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Please be careful.

By Kernkate on Tuesday, March 1, 2005 - 02:48 pm:

{{{Beth}}} so sorry.

By Alcush on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 09:33 am:

Beth, most have said what I, too, feel. You and hubby should simply say everything you want to say. Here is my addition: I know life goes on as usual back home. There are bills to pay, jobs to keep, places to be and things to do. But...is it possible your hubby could stay in Fl for a while? Think hard. I don't mean it will it be easy. I mean can it be done? With everything else being put aside. His job, maybe yours. Bills will always be there. Most employers are understanding.

The reason I ask is because I came up with all kinds of reasons I couldn't go out of state to be with my aunt. My best reason was that my older sister could go and did. We knew she was dying. I stayed home and worked. It was Oct. of my first year teaching. One Monday morning, my sister called. I had missed my chance to see Aunt Lillian. When I told my employer, he thought I was lying, although I had told him the previous week she was dying. Oh I was upset with my employer, but I was most upset with my faulty thinking. That my job was more important than my family. His words and actions just kinda ground it in harder. I could have gone. I mean, I up and hopped a plane that evening to get to her house. Why hadn't I done it even one day earlier?

If your husband can stay- even with hardship to your family- he will always remember the "wonderful" time he had with his sister.

God bless you and your family in whatever you do regarding your s-i-l. And tell her, please, there are a lot of folks out here who wish her great peace.