I've written countless things to show him how much I love him...
50+ reasons why I love him
Notes that I typed up and put in his boxers (attached with a safety pin)
Little notes here and there (emails and written ones)
Baked his favorite brownies
and more...

I had written him a letter over 3 months ago asking for some more romance...I just need something "different" now and then. He said he understood and would try better.
Nothing has happened any different than before. I asked him again the other day to write a poem or some expression of love and he said "I am not good at that." Urgh. And, when I hint for flowers, he says, "We don't have money for that right now."
(Yet somehow he can spend $150 on beer/alcohol every month.)
How do you get your husband to do romantic things...out of the ordinary? I feel like it affects our sex life...like my mind is no longer "there". It's just physical and I need to feel more than that. I feel like he just wants to show his "romantic side" his way...and I go out of my way to show him how much I love him, even if it's not something I'm good at.
I'm so frustrated...

By Boxzgrl on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 10:04 am:

I wouldn't go as far as to asking him to write poetry, my DH is very romantic and I could never get him to do that. Is he more affectionate (kisses, hugs, cuddling) since you wrote him 3 months ago? You know what my DH and I do that I consider to be "romantic" and even fun. I went out and bought a Romantic Poetry Magnetic Kit that has over 1000 words and blank ones for you to make your own words. I put them on the refrigerator and every morning DH and I will take turns adding on another sentence to the first sentence we started together. Its something small and silly but it really makes our day to see what the other one came up with that morning. Of course, if there are kids old enough to read in the house, you may want to put them somewhere else or keep it PG.

I really don't have any ideas on how to "make" him more romantic. I just think some guys are and some arent. And some guys show romance in very different ways than the norm. I hope someone here has better advice than I do.

Good Luck!

By Rayanne on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 10:29 am:

When I first met my DH, he was so romantic. Then...we got married, and it stopped.

Now, when he does something, I really appreciate it a lot. He just recently got a babysitter behind my back and took me to dinner. It was really sweet.

He knows that I wish he would be more romantic, but I love him very much, and just cuddling on the couch with him, while he rubs my head is good for me.

By Yjja123 on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 10:37 am:

Romance is in the eye of the beholder. Some men do not get the flowers and poetry thing but show their love in many other ways. Is your husband showing he loves you and are you seeing it? I ask this because I had this problem. Once I opened my eyes I saw how romantic my hubby is.
He will do the dishes and clean the kitchen after I have gone to bed. We joke the kitchen fairy came. He always took night shift (feedings, diaper changing) when our children were babies saying I needed my rest more to be able to care for them during the day. He will cuddle and watch TV with me every night. He will call during the work day to check in and say he loves me.
I rarely get flowers and "romance" but my hubby is romantic in all that counts. He is there 110% for me and our family. I will take that over flowers any day.

By Heaventree on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 10:53 am:

I really don't have much to add to the above, except ask again. Make sure he knows how important it is to you and be very specific with what you want. If it's more hugs then ask for more hugs and be sure to praise him when he does it. Acknowledge the little things he does. It is just like with our children positive re-inforncement. You know it shouldn't have to be this way, but if it is try to make the best of it. Everytime he does something nice or romantic make sure he knows you notice. Tell him, I know that you are making more of an effort these days and I really appreciate it. Good luck sweetie, I know it can be difficult when you feel your partner is not fulfilling your needs. One last suggestion, if you think that hubby is not giving you want you need or want then do it for yourself. If he has money for beer then you have money for flowers and the occasional pedicure. Always remember to take good care of yourself.

By Anonymous on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 04:20 pm:

Thanks, ladies. I guess I am like Rayanne...he used to do those things and I just miss them. I guess that when I express my romantic side, I don't express it by doing dishes or helping with dinner. I just want something special and different. He is ALWAYS lovey dovey though. He gives hugs, kisses, and tells me I'm beautiful. I guess I need affirmation as to why he loves me. I miss those things he used to do.
Heaventree...you're right. I've got to do things for myself sometimes though.
And, Boxzgrl, that refrigerator things sounds fun!
I guess all in all, I miss the "chase". I miss being courted.

By Alberobello on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 05:48 pm:

I agree with Yvonne, my dh is also very unromantic,i think he brought me flowers the day our son was born, and that's it, but like she said, i wouldn't trade the rest of what he does for a bunch of flowers. We never give each other presents or celebrate valentine's or even our anniversary (after eight years together we found out the date - before we kind of knew it was the first Thrusday of January '97). But all the money we have together we are saving to buy a piece of land and build our house. And he works very hard so i can look after our child and study. I know he loves me and that's enough for me. I really don't buy into all this romantic propaganda. Anon, you say your dh hugs you, kisses you and says you're beautiful. What more would a woman want? Of course being courted is one of the nicest feelings there is. But hey, who has the time and the energy to do that? I know it sounds like a cliche, but love changes with time, passion tends to diminish a bit and you get to know your spouse more, in a more intimate and profound way. We become friends, as well as lovers, and also members of the same team working together towards the same goals (that sounds very cheesy, i know, but it works for me). My man is not very good with love notes, i did those a long time ago and realised that he did't even notice them. I was expecting him to be grateful but for him that wasn't meaningful, what is really important for him (and know i get it) is that we are serene at home, that there is happiness everyday of our lives, even if thereare worries, and that we work together to achieve this.

So i guess, what i am trying to say is look at the bigger picture, look what you have together. I don't think he takes you for granted, only that he is happy with what he has and i am sure he hopes that you are too.

By My2cuties on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 09:35 pm:

DH gets romantic when I clean the house...lol
And when I wear silky running shorts to bed...lol
I laugh but I am being sooo honest...Just some suggestions.

By Pamt on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 10:02 pm:

I do think that romance is essential to a good marriage and I don't think you should have to settle for less or just take care of yourself. Romance is as important to most women as sex is to men---maybe if you put it in those terms then he'll finally "get" it. With that said, there is a natural waning of romance with marriage. For one, he's already "caught" you and for another, the busy-ness and reality of work, kids, household obligations, etc. get in the way. It takes work to maintain the romance.

I'd have a heart-to-heart talk, not write a letter. I'd also not be so specific in your requests. It's great to give examples of what you mean by romance, but saying "I want you to write me an expression of love" kind of takes the romance out of it.

Some books to read to get him to understand how important romance is to you are "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley and "A Celebration of Sex" by Douglas Rosenau. The sex book talks a lot about sex AND a lot about romance and fantasy as key ingredients to a good sexual relationship. FYI, both books are written from a Christian perspective if that matters one way or the other. And finally, we've mentioned it here a lot but "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman is another good one. You are romancing your husband in YOUR love language and that may not necessarily be your DH's language. Also, he obviously isn't picking up on the hint.

Some ideas (other than the need for a sitdown talk):
*Learn a new sexual technique and plan a night to blow his mind by using it, incorporating new lingerie, candles, satin sheets, whatever. Go all out and teach him what the benefits of mood setting and romance can be.
*Give him some practical examples of romance. Yes, he can afford a $5 bouquet of flowers from Wal-Mart, drop a card in the mail to you, call you and let you know he's thinking about you, get a babysitter and plan a night out.
*Go to a marriage retreat together. Romance will definitely be discussed and you will have to have a date night together too. At least read a marriage book together if you can't afford a marriage retreat and make your own retreat.
*A little friendly rivalry can be good. Sometimes my DH and his coworkers will sort of have a "who is the most romantic husband" competition.
*Get some books on creative dating. Just type "creative dating" in the Amazon search bar.
*Just as one of a woman's big needs is romance, a man needs to be admired. When he does something romantic--NO MATTER HOW SMALL--praise and compliment him, esp. in front of female friends in his presence. If "the guys" won't give him too much of a hard time, compliment him in front of them too.
*Keep your eyes open for little ways that he is being romantic, that just may not be in your love language. For example, my DH will tweak the computer to make it run faster or doing something better. Not a big deal to me, but to him it is a way of showing love.

My DH was super romantic when we were dating. Now it is fewer and far between, but when he does something he does it big. He does have to work on it though and he'll say things like "I haven't done anything romantic for you in awhile. I need to work on that, don't I?" And of course, I agree. By the same token, make sure that you haven't totally fallen into the mommy groove. Do you still fix your hair, dress nicely, and wear make-up? Or do you greet him at the door while spit-up covered sweats and a ponytail every day? Taking steps to look your best will help to.

Good luck!! I do think this is a battle worth fighting for!

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, February 8, 2005 - 12:25 am:

At my house, no romance and no sex! Hubby has been stressed out and is not interested at all! Argh! I'm going crazy! Of course, we both work crazy hours and that doesn't help either! I think we need a vacation!

By Kristie on Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - 01:31 am:

My DH and I will be together 9 years in the 18th and he has not lost his romantic side at all. We both believe that just because we are married dosen't mean we can't still flirt with each other!! He writes messages to me on our bathroom mirror and then when I take a shower and the mirror fogs up again the message shows up!! He calls me when our favorite song is on the radio in his truck and sings it to me then hangs up! He is even going to pick me up from a friends for a "date" on our annaversary. Now nothing I just mentioned takes money and all of them in my opinion are very romantic. And thats not even half the things my hubby does to show me he loves me. And anyone who knows me on this message board knows we have no money to spend on extra things like flowers ect.. I agree that you should talk to him again. I don't know about the books, my DH would never read a realationship self help book but if yours will then it might help. Good luck, I hope you get the spark back that you once had!!

By Feona on Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - 05:08 am:

I don't believe you can get anyone to do anything... The only person you can change is yourself ect...


If you want flowers every friday, you need to spell it out for him. Massages on Sat. Feet rubs on every other sunday.. Dinner on Sat Night out. Whatever. Exactly what you need.

Some men are like that. Opposites attract.

By Kaye on Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - 08:35 am:

With my hubby he just forgets. He doesn't plan in advance for anything, so a random romance day is hard for him. A specific date, time etc he can schedule it in better.

One idea that I heard was something called a giving ball. The idea is an christmas type ornament that opens. You take turns filling this (you could use a box, etc), So you take the 5th of each month, he takes the 20th. And that is his day to do something for you. For my hubby(who is an engineer) I have found although I hate being specific, he just doesn't think like me and specifics help. For example when we first got married I told him that I do expect flowers for vday and our anniversay, chocolate is up there too. He knows this and does this every year, and has fun with it (for 13 years now). Some years I get a dozen roses, one year I got a sage plant. One year he planted a rose bush (we moved 5 months later..LOL). One year he brought me a carnation and a candy bar, less than 4 dollars, but all we could afford that year. Anyway, my point he it isn't that he minds he just thinks differently. For him although sexy type stuff is always good, he is also very happy with I mended all his clothes. HIs personal favorite is theme dinners. Things like a western dinner, I make bbq, get a bail of hay for decoration, use bandanas at napkins, play a little george straight. Before kids the were a little more risque, buteven with kids he loves this, they do too.

By Tink on Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - 04:42 pm:

Kaye, I love the giving ball idea! I hate being specific with my DH but that doesn't seem like I'm saying "Buy me this or do this so that I know you love me!" The themed dinners sound like a fun family event. What a great way to say I love you!