Late night ramblings of a dishevelled housewife
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive January 2005:
Late night ramblings of a dishevelled housewife
O.K. it's late and I really should be in bed. I especially don't want to be up with DH arrives home from his business trip, don't want him to think I waited up for him. Don't get me wrong I love him dearly, but these days sleep is way more important. LOL. And yes I know this needs to change.
Anyway, I'm just wondering how our mothers did it all without looking like they broke a sweat. I talk to my girlfriends and we all complain about how hard it is to stay at home, how tired we are and we just can't keep up. I've only been at home for 10 months, but I'm wiped out. Sometimes I just want to go back to work. I had a good job, with tight deadlines, lots of responsibility and big budgets, sometimes I worked 60 hours a week and would go weeks without a day off. It all seems so easy now compared to my life today.
We have so many more advantages than our mothers. My Aunt had 5 children, one right after the other, she had an abusive alcoholic husband and she worked part-time. She certainly didn't have a supportive partner, a dishwasher, microwave and fancy washers and dryers like we have today, yet she managed to get it all done. Not to mention with 5 kids, she certainly didn't have the disposable income (or credit cards) that most of us are fortunate enough to have today or two cars in the driveway.
I can't seem to get it all done, my house gets cleaned up and it's nice for a few days then bam! It looks like a bomb hit and it can take me weeks to get it all back together again. I was never so bad at my job outside the house. I hear people like Dr. Phil and Oprah (neither of which are SAHMs) and they say that it's the hardest job in the world, that it's like having two full time jobs - not sure how they know that, but it sure does feel right sometimes.
I have heard other moms on other boards complain that they are bored and are looking for things to do. Man, I wish this was the case for me, it seems there is always someone or something that needs to be cleaned or shopping that needs to be done. I feel bad sometimes when DH says "I can do the groceries on my lunch hour if you want?" This is his really nice way of saying we don't have any eggs, bread or milk left.
My intention here is not to gripe about my situation, I know that I am really lucky to be able to afford to stay at home with my DS, I just wanted to know if there are any moms out there that have it all together and I want to know how you do it? Does it get better? I'm 6 weeks pregnant and a little hormonal and a lot more tired these days not to mention I have a 10 month old who is now on the move so these ramblings might just be cause and effect. Thanks for listening, I would like to hear how you all get it done.
Listen, I feel your pain. I have 3 children. Their ages are 5,3,&10 months. I am a SAHM also, and my house looks like a tornado hit it most of the time. I moved in two months ago, and I still have boxes anywhere. I haven't even unpacked my children's rooms. I feel so terrible about it because I am here all day and I know there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to get it all done. But, on the other hand, when I finally get my children to leave me alone for two seconds, I just want to sit down and breathe. I dont want to do dishes or laundry, or anything else for that matter.
In my situation, my husband is not working right now. He just got out of the military and is trying to decide what to do next. I wish he would make up his mind, but that is a whole other topic. So he's here and he doesn't do anything to help me.
The point I am trying to make is this... Children take up a lot of time. I have no idea how our moms did it. I've just come to the realization that there will always be more dishes and more laundry and more toys to pick up, but there will never be more time for my children to be 5,3,&10 months. So, I am trying to enjoy it while I still can. It's very tiring, I know. And I wish I could say that it gets easier. The housework only gets worse as they get older. But the way I have learned to deal with it is what makes the difference.
I don't know that I have helped you in any way here, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and not everyone gets it all done all the time.
Good Luck
I know I only have 1 child who isn't mobile yet, but I have felt the same way. It WAS easier when our colleagues gave us deadlines, when our time was PREDICTABLE, and when all we had to think about was ourselves...I even remember thinking (after Connor was born) that I actually MISSED my work schedule. Everything was on a schedule...until my little punkin came along. But, I've seen the tail end of it when these children get older.
We all know this....If we don't put the work in now, it's a million times harder when they get older. It's so sad to see the high schoolers every day that are just starving for attention and stability. Most of the time, they never had it while they were growing up and then the parents have lost control by the time they were 13. Somehow my single mother managed to work full time and keep us grounded. It's THOSE mothers who amaze me.
And, I realize, that not everything is going to get done. Serena hit it on the head...we won't have this time with them all the time, so cherish every moment. Even the unpredictable ones.
I totally understand those moments though...I remedy them with a list (I'm organizing my storage right now) and while, I may only get a half hour to do some of it, at least I know it's not one of those "cycle" chores. It helps to see progress on something. Which is why my scrapbooking is next on the list!!! 
{{{Heaventree}}} You are NOT alone! I've been a SAHM for 8 yrs. now and still don't "have it all together". LOL! I will say that it does get easier. This says it all.
Did You Do Anything Today?
My husband came home today and saw me sitting on the couch, toddler on one knee, and baby nursing on the opposite breast. I was trying to turn the pages of a book with the hand not attached to the infant, while listening for the sound of the stove buzzer, which would indicate that tonight's pork chops were at the stage between "well-done" and "the dog gets tonight's entree."
My husband looked at me innocently, and asked, "So, did you do anything today?"
It's a good thing that most of my appendages were otherwise engaged, as I was unable to jump up and throttle him to death. This was probably for the best, as I assume that asking a stupid question is not grounds for murder in this country.
Let me back up a bit, and explain what led me to this point in my life. I was not always bordering on the brink of insanity. On the contrary, a mere four years ago, I had a good job, steady income, and a vehicle that could NOT seat a professional sports team, and me, comfortably. I watched television shows that were not hosted by singing puppets. I went to bed later than nine o'clock at night. I preferred sex to sleeping in. I laughed at those people who drove halfway across the country hauling a tent trailer, three screaming kids, a drooling dog, and called it a holiday. Now I have become one of them.
What happened? The stick turned blue. I have traded in my Victoria's Secrets lingerie for cotton briefs and a firm support nursing bra. Good-bye, Garth Brooks. Hello, Sharon, Lois and Bram.
My idea of privacy is getting to use the bathroom without a two-year old banging on the door, and the baby spinning the toilet paper roll from my lap.
And I finally understand that the term "Stay At Home Mom" does not refer to a parent who no longer works outside the house, but rather to one who never seems to get out the front door. So here I sit children in hand, wondering how to answer my beloved husband. DID I DO ANYTHING TODAY!
Well, I think I did, although not much seems to have gotten accomplished.
I shared breakfast in bed with a handsome young man. Of course, the breakfast consisted of a bowl of porridge and leftover cookie crumbs found between the sheets. The handsome young man is about thirty-four inches tall and only gets really excited at the sight of purple dinosaurs, toy trucks and French fries. I got to take a relaxing stroll in the woods. Of course I was on the lookout for frogs and lizards, and had to stop to smell the dandelions along the way. I successfully washed one load of laundry, moved the load that was in the washer into the dryer, and the dryer load into the basket. The load that was in the basket is now spread out on the bed, awaiting my bedtime decision to actually put the clothes away or merely move them to the top of the dresser. I read two or three classics. Out loud. Of course, Dickens or Shakespeare cannot take credit for these works, as we have moved on to the works of Seuss and Munsch. I don't think I will be making any trips to the Adult Section of my local library anytime soon. In between, I dusted, wiped, organized and rearranged. I kissed away the owies and washed away the tears. I scolded, praised, hugged and tested my patience, all before noon.
DID I DO ANYTHING TODAY?
You Betcha.
I now understand what people mean when they say that parenthood is the hardest job they will ever have. In my LBD (life before diapers) I was able to teach young minds how to divide fractions and write complex sentences, but I am unable of teaching a strong-willed two-year-old how to use the toilet. I was once able to navigate urban streets while talking on the car phone and looking for a decent radio station, but now I can't get the wheels on my stroller to all go in the same direction. I've graduated from university, written newspaper articles, and won awards, but I can't figure out how to get carrot stains out of the carpet. I used to debate with my friends about politics, but now we discuss the merits of cloth versus disposable. And when did I stop talking in sentences that had more than five words? So in response to my husband's inquiry, yes, I did do something today. In fact, I am one step closer to one of life's greatest accomplishments. No, I did not cure AIDS or forge World Peace, but I did hold a miracle in my arms.
Two, in fact. My children are my great accomplishment, and the opportunity to raise them in my greatest challenge. I don't know if my children will grow up to be great leaders or world-class brain surgeons.
Frankly, I don't care, as long as they grow up to be happy and fulfilled. They are my greatest joys, even though I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night in frustration. The point is, that today I got to watch my children take another step on the great journey of Life, and I even got to point out some of the sites along the way. As challenging as parenthood is, it is also equally rewarding, because we are using all our wisdom, our talent and skills to help forge a new person.
It is this person, these people, who in turn will use their gifts to create our future. So every nursery rhyme I recite, every swing I push, very little hand I hold is Something. And I did it today.
Author Unknown
My mom had 3 kids in 4 years. Yet our house was clean and we had clean clothes and the dishes got done and we didn't get a dishwasher until I was well into grade school. (picture a family of 5 sitting in the kitchen listening to the dishwasher run!)
I don't know how she did it, either. Some of that time she was home and some of it she had a job and when I was 10, she went back to school. Of course, she didn't have a computer to distract her, either!
With a 10-month old and a being newly pregnant, I think I would be exhausted, too, though!
Thanks for the words of encouragement, things are looking better today in the sunlight. Trina that message you posted is right on for me even down to the drooling dog! I told my DS next vacation is on a plane - no more car trips, I'd rather wait an extra 6 months then go anywhere that takes more than 2 hours in a car. And holy cow if he says to me one more time "I have to get some sleep tonight, I have to go to work tomorrow" I'm going to get out the duck tape. I think I'll copy that message and send him an email.
Yes our children truly are a blessing, tears came to my eyes as I read that message - thanks for the reminder.
You know, we have ALL been there at one time or another!! I bet if you did a search, you would find a post similar to yours at least once a month or every other month. In the big picture, you are still pretty new at this! You will find a system that works for you. And as the kids get older, they need you a little less and you have a little more time to get some things done. Hang in there, it will get better!! Until then, just enjoy your babies and do what you can and try not to stress about it. It will all still be there, but your kiddos will only be little once. I am a self proclaimed perfectionist and I can get really nasty if my house is a disaster. What I did is clean and do all of that on the weekend when dh was home to take care of dd. I usually did it on Saturday and them we had a nice family day on Sunday. It worked out great as dh really like having the one on one time with dd. He knew Saturday was his day and I basically didn't do much at all with her care. I would get up and get busy and when she woke, he got busy with her. They had some great bonding time on Saturdays!! Sometimes, I would even give him a grocery list and they would go out shopping and when she got a little bigger, it would include going out to lunch!! It also helped him to realize how much time and energy her care did take!! I was usually done with the whole house by dinner and I would take a shower and we would have a nice dinner together. It really worked out great for us!! Then during the week, I just did little touch up jobs here and there as needed and things stayed pretty much under control!! I am not saying this is what happened every weekend, but even if it was twice a month, it really helped. What I am trying to say with this book is that we all know what your going through and you will get it worked out!! Just take a deep breath and then give your baby a kiss. That makes everything better!!!! (((hugs)))
How did they do it. Well I have finally come to the conclusion that they just lived very different lives. One, they didn't have to buy every toy by nintendo. Heck we hardly had battery operated games. We didn't have money for an abundance of toys. Christmas was about clothes, socks and 2 or 3 toys. Take a look around our holidays, we get/give toys for everything and then way too many. Second, our kids stayed outside to play, with friends, they rode bikes, played tag, they did not stay inside and trash the house. Our moms did not feel like they had to entertain us. If we wanted to paint, then we did, outside, and cleaned up, not as a family craft project. I think there has to b e a balance, we need to spend time with our kids, but that time doesn't have to be a song and dance. They can just as easily hang out with mom in the kitchen, while I clean. My daughter learned her abc young, because I was in the kitchen and she had those magnetic letters, all day, i heard "what this"...funny now, drove me insane then. Honestly if we look around our houses we see stuff, lots of it. It is a blessing in some ways, but a real curse in others. My parents never felt the need to take me to mcdonalds so I could play and climb, we had trees and yards for that.
So how do you do better? Well prioritize and let go. It is okay to have a messy house. I have found that a plan goes a long way. Flylady has been a good fit for me. I didn't have routines, they really help. There are things I just do everyday. I have gotten rid of lots and lots of things. My kids are great help now. If toys are left where I walk, they become my toys. They have places they can play and leave stuff out, but the walkway and their bedrooms are not those places (they do each have a play spot in their room though). I need to walk to them in the dark without getting hurt! Honestly I have collect two black garbage bags of toys, less stuff helps them to keep it cleaner and the fear of me taking something reminds them to take care of their stuff. Getting through toddlerhood takes a whole new mind set. My kids are now 11,9,7. When they were babies I thought I would go crazy, and almost did. It took a few years but I finally got it more together. Let me be the first to say, it doesn't get any easier, it just gets different. If you don't get things under control now, school age is just as tough! Besides just things, now we clutter our schedules with playgroups, sports, etc. I can remember starting school sports, but we start at age 3. It is crazy and time to stop!
I don't have anything to add. I have 5 kids and am asked many times, 'How do you do it?' and honestly, I don't have a good answer. I just tell them that I've learned along the way. It did seem worse when I was pregnant because I was tired all the time, but that will pass. The older they get, the easier it gets, yes, but each stage has its own challenges. I'm learning that now, too!
I was a single mom for most of my 3 dk's growing up years.I was always stressed out over things.I tried to be a good mom,but ,of course,I can see now so many things that I wish I had done differently.Now my 3 are grown,and I have 9 dgk"s.If I could offer any advice,I would say,also,to try not to be so hard on yourself and ENJOY the moment.You will never be able to re-capture this time in your babies lives.I'm not saying to just let everything go,but those dishes will still be there tommorrow.We just spent 2 days with our almost 4 yr old DGS and our 2 yr old DGD.It was wonderful.When the milk got spilled for the umpteenth time,and the toys had to be picked up AGAIN,I truely enjoyed it .Because I know all too well that these days are precious and will be gone before you know it .Like the other ladies have said,things will get better,and you will find your own rhythem.I just want to encourage you to RELAX and ENJOY !!!
ditto Wanda. My mother always told me she would give 10 years off the end of her life to have one day with my sister and I as little children again. It took a long time before I understood what she meant but I would kill to have all three at 5, 3, and 1 again, for just one day.
Think of it this way, when you were a working mom no one was ever home. Your dh was at work, you were at work and the kids were probably at daycare or a babysitter. Thus your house stayed clean. Now you are home and you and the kids probably are home a lot and you make messes. Ten years from now you can clean your house. I don't live in a pig pen. There isn't garbage piled anywhere. The floors are swept and mopped and vacuumed and the bathrooms are pretty clean. Dishes are washed and clothes are clean. But there are toys scattered and newpaper from last Sunday on the kitchen table and dust on the mantle. But I enjoy home and my little girl. Have fun with the kids. Keep the worst of the mess cleaned up. Make them pick up some of their stuff. And don't sweat the rest.
Of course, I agree with everyone's advice wholeheartedly!!! But I have to add a tip for you that you need to listen too:
Conni's tip # 1: When your dh offers to go to the store on his lunch hour or on his way home from work... Reply HAPPILY saying 'THANKS HONEY, that'd be great!!!' Then you email or txt msg him your grocery list or you send it to work with him. There is NOTHING wrong with him helping.
When my baby was still a baby --sniff sniff (he is almost 5 yo now), my dh would make tacky little comments like 'What did you do all day? The house is a wreck.' I was in trouble from SPOTS on our carpet at one point when he was a toddler. One day I had enough of dh's behavior and looked him squarely in the eye as he was going on about the house being a mess and said (very nicely) ' You are welcome to help me clean it up.' After that he never said another word to me about the house?
Its their home and their child too. You are his wife, not his personal chef / cleaning service/ childcare service. These things *are* our responsibility since we are the main parent at home. Many times at the end of my day tho I have wondered to if I should just get a job outside the home! LOL Those are my bad days.
I still cant help but get a little jealous whne my dh flys off on another business trip. Especially the overseas one's.  I have been a sahm full time for over 10 yrs now and sometimes I think back to when I worked and all the goals I had for my career. I wanted to end up in a traveling position but you cant do that when you have kids. It seems like as Mothers we give up alot of ourselves for everyone else. But it is so true that it is only temporary. These babies grow up and move away. I hope to look at them as adult men one day and know that all these yrs of blood, sweat and tears was the right thing. I know in my heart that will be the case. I am already so proud of what my boys are becoming. But we are human beings and we have bad days where we wonder if its all worth it! It's ok to have bad days! Just come here and vent where we all understand.lol
I would also like to introduce you to flylady.net. I like the attitude she tries to teach about not being a martyr. Having a routine and getting dressed everyday like I am going to work -- really works for me... Of course I am a *list * person to so that helps me as well.
Good luck and vent away!!
Things are much different today. We never ENTERTAINED our kids. They played alone or with each other. Mom certainly wasn't part of play time. They could go outside and play without constant adult supervision. They walked to and from school on their own, or to and from the bus stop. We SAHMs had that free time to do other things, like clean, cook and entertain. We didn't have the internet or a TV in every room. Our kids had fewer playthings to clean up. Babysitters were numerous and we left our kids in the care of teens who wanted a part time job. Life has become much more complicated than it was when I raised my sons. AND I did it moving every 2 years to a new place..... including overseas.
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