Newly wed advice....PLEASE!
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive January 2005:
Newly wed advice....PLEASE!
My husband and I have been married almost 4 months, ...I love him dearly and we are very happy. This is our first marriage, for both of us...and my husband has never even lived with anyone before. He collects vehicles, motorcycles, dirtbikes, jeeps...but hardly ever drives them, but that doesn't bother me. He keeps everything nice so it lasts forever. Sometimes, I find he gets annoyed at me (since we now live together)...if I don't keep up on things like laundry etc. I said I was going to paint the kitchen the following weekend, and before the weekend was even over, he mentioned I was lazy for not doing it right away. He pays the bills and works long days....I also work, but also go to college full time, and yes, it is hard to fit everything in...and I don't get the things done that I'd like to, but that does not make me lazy. He's been remodeling the kitchen for over a year now...and I find other ways to cook meals since we have no oven....it's tough. But I love him and never nag him about it. We both work very hard and I understand his free time is rare. But, mine is too. So, why does he give me such a hard time, when I don't him? I love him dearly...and know this will eventually interfere with us. I've talked to him about it, but eventually, things get thrown in my face again. I don't know...I just need some advice...please!
Partially I think it is just an adjustment period for you both. You may be married but that doesnt mean you know each other yet. I know that sounds funny but I think back on my newlywed years and sometimes I smack myself in the head for the things that I did and said and I am sure my dh does the same.
Men have a tendancy to say what pops into their heads and it doesnt necessary mean what they say or they just dont have any tact. I would have said, yes the kitchen hasnt been painted yet, would you like to help me do that at X time and while we are at it why dont we finally get that oven in. And then stick to that plan. Also home improvement projects have been the cause of many marital spats both in my marriage and alot of other couples I know. Soooo dont buy the paint unless you plan to paint THAT DAY.
Finally house chores need to be fairly and equitably divided. If a chore that is on your list isnt done, well the world isnt going to stop, he needs to get used to that. I have 4 kids and am a sahm and some days my list doesnt get done either, I have other stuff to do. You have a job and are going to school full time. You are not going to get everything that you intended to do done everyday. At least if you want to sleep and not be the walking dead. GL!
LOL, love your screen name! 
I highly recommend the book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families by Steven Covey. It talks about working together to establish a vision for your family and how you want to accomplish it. I wish I had discovered this book as a newlywed!! Kristin is right, this is an adjustment period. Work together to find what is going to work for both of you. Good luck!
Yes that screen name is a hoot!
Did you tell him how you feel when
he acts that way? So important to talk
to each other about what bugs you.
Your first year is the hardest...don't ever forget that. But, he shouldn't be calling you lazy.
If you're going to do something from now on, don't say you're going to, just do it. Then, he won't be disappointed.
You hear talk about the seventh year being difficult for some. However, you never hear about that first "newlywed" year. It is hands down, absolutely, the hardest.
You both are trying to adjust to living with each other, changing certain habits or ways of life, especially since you stated he has never lived with anyone before.
There is a big adjustment period that you are going through. Having to work out all the kinks, getting used to being with each other in all your free time.
Doesn't mean that either of you love the other any less, just means that life has taken a big change, and you both have to kind of find your places.
Keep in mind that this is very normal. My husband and I had a very, very difficult first year, throw in an almost two year old we had, and the fact that I got pregnant during our first year of marriage and had a very difficult pregnancy.
We are coming up on our 7th anniversary and we could not be happier or more in love. We have been through a lot of trials with my health, which added me not being able to work, huge doctor bills, medical bankruptcy, you name it!!!
But the point of this is just because the first year is nothing like you imagined, it's just setting up a lifetime of happiness. Once you get this first year of figuring things out, you'll have the marriage you dreamed of. It'll come. It will just take a lot of love, patience, understanding, and compromise to get there. But trust me, it's worth the work. Marriage is just like anything else, if you want it to work, you have to work on it. And before you know it, you guys will have fallen into a pattern, and a comfort zone, with most of the kinks worked out, and you'll be enjoying each other so much.
Just remember: love, patience, understanding, compromise, and positive attitude from both of you. and lots of COMMUNICATION.
I will also recommend a book that's been mentioned here many times before, The 5 Love Languages, it's simple, to the point and very effective! Since we teach people how to treat us,it's so important that you take care of this now, don't wait until it starts to make the wedge! Every one says communication is key to a marraige but reading this book will show you how to talk so he will listen and vice versa, you have to make sure he reads the book to!
But most importantly DO NOT allow him to call you names, it may start w/ lazy and not be hateful, but it can quickly progress, if he does not respect you for all that you do, you need to get that figured out TODAY, the same goes for you, don't call him names. Personal attacks will stay with you forever and will rear there ugly heads often.
Good Luck
Good luck
Your dh sounds like mine when we first got together. He was a perfectionist and I was the one who liked the house to be clean but feel lived in. As time progresses you will find that you both will change you habits and he wont be as big of a perfectionist as he use to be. He is just use to haveing things be his way and has to learn how to comprimise.
One more wife to wife secret, there will come a time in your marriage where you will totally blow off some of that stuff that he does that annoys you so bad now. We all do it. I think sometimes men like to get a rise out of their wives and get us ticked off on purpose. It is a game they play that they don't think we know about but we do.
The first year is hard, I had our son 6 months after we got married so we had a lot on our plate but we lived together for 2 years before we got married. I know it is against some peoples beliefs but I think if people live together they would know each other well enough to know if they can truely stand to be with this person for the rest of their lives. I wish you all the luck, in a world where it is so rare to see a married couple make it, you both need to give 100% not 50/50. Good luck!!!
One more thing...what you do now sets a precedence for the future. Don't put up with stuff you don't want to put up with. Cleaning is 50/50 and so is the house improvement.
My best friend got tired of her husband saying that he was going to get the front door fixed...days turned into months. So, she told him that if it's not done by a certain day, she would hire a handy man. (She didn't want to, nor did they have the money.)
He didn't do it, so she hired a guy....and voila! He got things done from then on.
Just note: if you do the dishes, clean the floors, the laundry...you're ALWAYS expected to do it.
I make a list and we pick what needs to be done...taking turns volunteering for stuff. Then, it's given a deadline.
Oh, and tell him you would appreciate it if he could say "Can I help you with this?" Rather than calling you names. A person can decide to be helpful or hurtful in what they say...ask him to be helpful.
Thank you very much for all of your advice. I spoke with my husband this morning about how I felt...and we are going to work out a plan. I like the idea of making a to do list, and tackling it together. I'm going to look for the books also, that Melanie and Kym suggested. It's tough...and it's hard to believe it's this tough, because we are two very happy, loving, outgoing people, and neither of us imagined that the adjustment of living together would be so hard. Don't get me wrong, we have many more great days together than bad...but still, bad is bad. I want to thank all of you, MissMudd, Melanie, Trisa, Mrsheidi, luvn29, Kym and Kristie for your great advice! I'll have to change my screen name when I'm not newlyannoyed anymore!
Kym, I just bought that book!
Here's a web page on Fighting Fair: http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/fairfigh.htm
It has good advice. One of the really important points in it is to keep to the topic and not get sidetracked into other issues, especially past issues.
Take a look at this page, and see if it can be helpful. I think there are also some books on the techniques of "fair fighting".
Every relationship has hard spots, and every couple has disagreements. One of the tricks is to learn how to fight fair so that one or the other doesn't come out feeling sandbagged and beat up.
Here's another page, which says much the same thing in simpler language: http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/fighting/fighting.html#anchor104643
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