Why is it that I can't seem to do anything right by my MIL (Mother-in-law)? I love her, I really do but it doesn't matter if I say up...she says down....I say good.....she says bad. I just cannot seem to win with her and I don't know what to do anymore.

My husband and I both have the same feelings about it but I have always felt as though I cannot say and treat her the same as he does, I'm not the son/daughter....I'm the outsider.

She and my Father-in-law have done alot for my husband and I and we really appreciate everything they've done and we let them know that all the time. But how long is long enough to be grateful before you seem ungrateful? Does that make sense?

My MIL sometimes doesn't know the difference between "having an opinion" and "being ungratful"...my husband and I often feel like we can't voice our opinions about things because we get attacked from her about how ungrateful we are.

She consistently gives me parenting advice. Nothing I do is the right way. I know that parents have their own way of doing things, I have a mother of my own, but I feel comfortable telling my mother that I've heard enough advice for one lifetime! My older two children are not the children of my current husband. Together we share one son and I don't get much advice regarding him. I think she sometimes feels like my older two are free game because there aren't any ties that bind. My imagination?

I consisently hear about how much time my eldest daughter spends on the internet/computer. She's 14 years old, I have her on parental controls. She cannot do anything without my knowing it. I have told my MIL that it's quite the same as when her daughter (my husbands sister) had the telephone attached to her ear when she was younger. But more importantly....I don't have to worry about where my daughter is or who she's hanging out with and worry about her until she gets home. She's a good kid, she's quite, she helps with house chores and I don't even have to ask her!

I just consisently feel like I have to defend my children and it's exhausting me.

Sorry to ramble on. I think I feel better just writing this. Any advice would be appreciated.

By Mrse on Monday, January 24, 2005 - 10:47 am:

I would just be firm with her and say thanks for the advice, but we have it covered. If she keeps presisting then make yourself scarce, Just don't be around to take it. The internet seems to really make older people upset, for some reason, in their day...... not any real advice the only thing you can do is make the vists less and less and then the day will come when she will say why are you not coming to visit, then you have your opening.or just tell her straight out. Just tell her that you think that she thinks that you are not doing a good eneough job with the children and it hurts your feelings. got to end it here off to work, good luck.

By Lovemytwins on Monday, January 24, 2005 - 11:14 am:

I've been in and am currently in the same boat. My MIL drives me nuts. She's constantly telling me what to do or not to do with my children. I broke my leg back in November. She came down and stayed three weeks with us and it almost put me in a funny farm. She went through my house completely. She rearranged my kitchen and pantry. She went through all my drawers and my closets. I think she was bored but it upset me. I felt like I had no privacy. I would NEVER go up to her house to help her and even consider going through her house like she did mine. Does it really matter where I put the cheese in the refrigerator?? Does it really matter what shelf I put stuff on in my bedroom??

She did help us out, and I'll be forever grateful. I have 3 beautiful girls, twin 1 year old girls and a 6 year old. She gives out advice that really isn't appreciated. I've been through HELL with her son....and she still thinks he walks on water....He's done some pretty unforgivable things and I'm sure she blames me for them...

I just try to grin and bear it. I try to let it go into one ear and out the other. I really try to keep the peace but there are some days I do say what's on my mind. But I do choose my battles appropriately. There are just things you CANNOT win.....believe me...I'm in the same boat as you!!!

By Karen~moderator on Monday, January 24, 2005 - 12:57 pm:

To begin with, I'm sorry you are have these difficulties.

Now, for starters, when it comes to a situation where you need to give an opinion, you might say something like, *you may not agree with me, but my opinion is.............* - or *I know you feel otherwise about this, but I feel that............*. It's OKAY to have different opinions, she just needs to realize that yours and hers are different and that it doesn't mean either of you is being ungreatful, spiteful or whatever.

As far as the unsoliciated parenting advice - I totally understand where you are coming from. I raised my 2 oldest kids who are actually my X's kids, and I raised our 2. We are divorced, and my DH often finds fault with them, whereas I *think* he wouldn't if they were his biological kids. While his parents like my kids, they don't seem to think of them as their *grandkids*. My DH never had any biological kids. All that being said, the best you can do is to tell her you'd rather your DD be at home online than out somewhere getting into trouble.

People always think they can criticize your parenting and that they have a better way of doing everything, particularly if there are blended families involved, or if they are someone who has NEVER had kids.

The only other option I can think of is to try and avoid those type conversations with her. OR - you can be honest and just tell her that it's upsetting to you when she makes you feel she is constantly criticizing your parenting. Just a thought.

Good luck!

By Mrsheidi on Monday, January 24, 2005 - 01:09 pm:

I have definitely felt the same things from my MIL...makes you feel like a bad mother and NO ONE should have guilt about parenthood.
Just tell her "That's something to think about" and if she mentions it again say "Yeah, you told me that the other day- I remember".
Say it all with a smile...and remember, sometimes you might have to just keep explaining yourself (tell her what you told us) or have the DH step in.
Or, tell her it "fine tunes" your daughters typing skills and prepares her for a techno-savvy future.

Is she recommending she does something else with her time? We were all teenagers once and, you're right, it's just like being on the phone.
As long as it's not hurting her homework or chores, why not?

By Children03 on Monday, January 24, 2005 - 02:10 pm:

I know how you feel my mother-in-law does the same things to me. I love her dearly, but I get in so many arguments with her because she is constantly telling me how to do things around my house, how to clean my car, where to shop, what to cook, how to deal with my children, what to feed them, what they need to learn, how they need to learn. Uggh, I haven't ever met someone with so much advice. I don't mind the advice sometimes because I know she is trying to be helpful, but she gets insulted if you don't use the advice she has given. She is also a very negative person and I can't stand talking to her because she has nothing positive to say about anything.

I have spoken up several times to her and she acts insulted, so I don't know if saying anything to your mother-in-law would help or hurt. It seems like mine just does it more just because now she knows it drives me nuts. I would just keep doing what you are doing and maybe your husband could be the one to say "Mom, you know I think Tanja is a great wife and mother and she does a great job taking care of us." Maybe if he says something like that to her she might realize that you are handling your family and house just fine without all of that advice she is giving you.