Grief Counseling
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Grief Counseling
My Mom needs help. I hope it's ok to go anon for this topic to protect my Mom.
A bit of history: My younger sister died two years ago, it will be three years in February. She was only 28 years old and it was a very sudden and unexpected death. My Mom found her on the side of her bed one Sunday morning and the autopsy of her body and brain never gave us a conclusive reason for her death. My sister and my Mom were more than mother and daughter. They were best friends, roommates, traveling companions, and the list goes on. My sister had some problems (neurological) that made my Mom not comfortably able to let her live on her own so they spent Jenny's whole life together and lead a wonderful life.
Jenny's death has left my Mom in a place that no one can reach her. She can't remember much of the past 2-3 years and nothing in her life brings her any happiness. She just recently moved out of the house that we all grew up in (it was just too much maintenance now that Mom is alone. She is a young 64 years old.) She moved into a very nice condo community that is full of life and activity. Mom doesn't join in with anything and calls my older sister and I 5-10 times a day complaining about everything and crying. We know the move was a big change but we all thought it was a change that might jump-start a positive change. She sees a counselor once a week and is medicated for depression, anxiety, and a chronic pain condition she has had for years. Needless to say she is probably over-medicated.
This past week has been particularly bad and my older sister lost it with Mom and told her how we have felt about trying to help her for the past 3 years. It wasn't pretty but it was the truth. My older sister and I are wondering if she needs to be admitted somewhere to help her deal with the grief of losing our sister but we have no idea how to approach the subject or where to start looking for help. Or maybe she just needs to meet with someone more than one hour a week. We know that everyone grieves at a different rate but we thought she should be making some progress by now in moving forward.
Has anyone had any experience with this sort of thing and could maybe give me some advice on how to go about helping Mom? TIA!
I have btdt with my dad. He is 63, he just lost his second wife to cancer a year ago. In his life he has been to vietnam (on the front), he has had his first wife have MS, then die from leukemia, then his second wife die from brain cancer after they had been married less than 5 years. This summer he just fell apart and almost married the wrong woman for him. It took that for him to really seek the help he needed. (okay and a LOT of fighting with me). Simply to deal with grief takes years and years, but the constant crying really should end after a couple of years. It is very different to not just deal with a death, but your mother has lost her job too, taking care of your sister. You are right that she does need more. Maybe her meds are just wrong, she may need to take as many as she is taking, but they obviously aren't working. If she is not already seeing both a psychologist and a pyschiatrist that is your first step. These drs are very different in how they handle things. Also if you can convince her, can you start fresh with a new doc? They tend to take complaints more seriously when you say I have been seeing this doc and I done this, but I just feel like things could be better, can you help? This is a long road. My dad has started new meds in August he is just now feeling that they mostly work. He isn't balanced like he used to be, but it is MUCH better. And from a personal perspective, you mom needs you in a different way, this is sometimes hard too. My dad and I talked on and off before my moms death. But through that we became friends. Then with the death of wife 2, I can became his counselor. It started during her treatment (it was a LONG 7 months). The lived with us several days of the week during this. Anyway, I listen and council my dad at least an hour a day. This has just started to slow down a month ago (he has moved), I still talk with him 4-5 times a week. At the worst of his issues, he was seeing me daily (and I was getting nothing done around here), he was seeing his psychiatrist weekly and his psychologist 3 times a week. So the short answer is yes, she needs more. With mental health it is hard to get the care you need, you really have to push and inquire to get help. At this point you are your mothers only advocate. Anyway, I hope I have helped some.
GRRRR ! I just posted a long reply only to have LOST it ! AHHHH !
Anon ,I will try it again only to be more breif and if you want you can e-mail me.
suev3@hotmail.com
Well,my Mother is in the same situation as your`s it sounds like , though mine won`t get counceling or a different DR.
2 and 1/2 years ago she had major major surgery with a very long recovery.Her
Stomache was removed.Then she lost her Husband of 50 years then her very best friend who she did everything with passed a way 3 days before my Dad did. it was devestating.
I don`t know what advice I can give you.I just wanted you to know that I am going through something similar.
Mom lives in a retirement community condo also and does not get involved with any activities.She barely leaves her apartment only to drive to the store and get her hair done !
We`ve tried to talk to her and she gets mad and now she has this thing where she worries needlessly about everyone over little things , I think that she is depressed ,though she says she will not take any meds because she say`s she takes enough already.
We would like her to switch DR.`s also though she won`t do it because she said another Dr. will not do anything different.
It is very frustrating.She has gotten so mad at me in the past that she didn`t speak to me for a long time.
Anon - first, forget getting your mom "admitted" anywhere. The laws are such that a family cannot get a psychiatric admission for anyone unless that person appears to be an immediate danger to themselves or others. This is not the case with your mom.
That said, I strongly recommend you talk to the nearest major hospital about a geriatric psychiatrist. In addition to being MDs and having the psychiatric training, they are specially trained in the problems and issues of older adults and in how medications do and don't work in the elderly, including the interactions of medications. My mom went into deep depression after my dad died, and at least part of her depression was fueled by the various medications she was on - some pain medications and anti-depressant medications are simply not a good mix. The geriatric psychiatrist sorted out her meds and that helped, and because my mother was not in denial and wanted help, was able to provide some one on one counseling at first and then refer my mom to a day program which was partial socialization (so that she was not home alone all day - we were living together at that time) and partly psychiatric, with group sessions and every other week one on one sessions.
Your mom probably would not go for counseling or day programs, but if you and your sister can force her to go to a geriatric psychiatrist and the psychiatrist is willing to give you a diagnosis and recommendations, that might help.
Sue, I would suggest the same for your Mom who, you say, is already taking a lot of meds.
Unhappily, as we age, a lot of doctors prescribe more and more medications and don't always check to see how they interact with each other. Or how they interact with other stuff - I recently read that a medication my mom was taking should never be taken with grapefruit juice, and my mom loved grapefruit juice.
Hi, my grandmother is in a long term care facility. She lived their with her second husband, and he recently pasted away. She was scared to stay thier alone, crying all the time and trying to get my aunt to stay the night with her at the home. She would break down with this aweful cry it broke our hearts to see her like that. When her husband was still alive she looked after him pushed him around in the wheel chair helped him out etc.. but felt very alone when he passed away. What my aunt did was talk to the staff and asked if their was anyone else at the home that she could help, so the nurses did just that, talked my grandmother into helping this other person in a wheel chair, ( so now she has a job again),. The bug was also put in the other people's ear that she is having a hard time, and all the people came over to her to console her. Now if my aunt takes her out to do anything she is worried about the people she left behind and that she should be getting back.
If your mom lives in a condo it is a bit different, I would ask the condo managment if their is any groups started, and explain her situation and ask if their is anyone that they think could use a friend. We also have a place here that anyone 55 and older can join and they have all sorts of activities, someone could possibliy go with her to get her going untill she meets someone. If it is put to her that x person is lonley or needs help , or they just lost a partener etc.. I think that it turns it around for them it is not like the person is coming to help them, in the end it is a benifit to both people. That is the only thing I can think to do, start out by taking her to say bingo, or something that interest her. This seniors place we have ( I work for them) they have floor curling, crib, bridge, exercises for seniors, a band compiled of seniors music is awesome. They have a nice lounge that you can go and have coffee/lunch. If you can get her going to something like that, she will be alot happier. Hope that helped .
Thanks so much for the replies!! Thank you for all of your suggestions!
Ginny - thankfully, Mom knows she needs help and just may be willing to talk to a geriatric psychiatrist. I think that might be the first thing I try to get her to do!! I would love if she got into a day program. Both my sister and I thought that having her admitted somewhere was a bit drastic but we didn't know other options!! I am going to get started right on this ! Thank you so much for your post!!!!
There is nothing like the pain of a grieving parent. The best thing for her would be finding her a support group such as The Compassionate Friends. They are all parents who have lost their children, and will understand better than anyone else. They have chapters all over the place.
Please be gentle with her. I know that it must be frustrating, but she is dealing with something that no mother should ever have to deal with. There is no time limit for grief. Every person is different, and we all do what we can to get through the days.
Great Advice from all. When my DH lost his son, my DSS we all went to counseling. It affected the entire family in different ways. As Marcia said there are many groups out there to join. DH and I joined The Compassionate Friends online, and also a local grief support group. Please be patient with her, its the worse thing a parent should have to go through. I know this by watching my DH trying to pick up the pieces and go on.
{{{Hugs}}} to your mom and your entire family for being so supportive.
Anon, I can't stop thinking of your mom and her pain. Does she have a computer? I would be more than willing to be an online support for her. I know how important it is to know you're not alone.
I have been where your Mom is. My oldest son, Daniel, passed away unexpectedly, too, eight years ago. He was just 20.
The pain was SO unbearable, and I felt like I was in a dark hole that I couldn't climb out of. I also had to watch my DH, DD and DIL grieve, as well, not being able to lift their pain.
I asked God why He didn't take ME instead. I had had a good life. I also WANTED to die, then, too, so that I could go be with Dan, and that the pain would stop. I even thought about ending my life, but I couldn't do that to my family, and I was afraid that I wouldn't go to the same place where Dan is.
The pain would come in waves. I would have ok days, but then, I'd be driving down the highway and get an image in my mind of him in his casket. The only way that I could make it stop, was to put in a gospel CD and sing my heart out. Songs in the supermarket, or seeing his favourite food would trigger a flashback.
I KNEW that Dan wanted me to go on. I even had some very comforting things happen, that I knew were signs from him. I asked my best friend, "Will I ever feel 'normal' again?
Eventually, the pain started to ease. I stayed busy. I went back to school. I found that reaching out to others was the best remedy. Helping someone in need. It will be eight years in March. The pain never goes away, and like your sister, Dan's passing was never really conclusive from the autopsy. That makes the healing harder, because as human beings, we always want to know WHY.
I have moved on. DH and I adopted our two younger DS's two years ago. Now, we have a little grandaughter. I thank God that I never got angry at Him. I know that He has his reasons, and that I have to trust. I KNOW where he is, and I know that I will see him again. He is safe, with his Creator; much more so than we are in this volatile world. In the sermon at his funeral, our pastor said that maybe there was 'worse' down the road for Dan; perhaps a major illness, etc. We have to leave that to God.Someday we will know, but then, it won't matter. We'll be 'Home'.
My DH still grieves. He got angry with the Lord, and lost his faith. He can't let it go. He has been to many counselors, and is on medication, but nothing helps. He says, "How can you be sure that there is a Heaven?". I tell him that it's called "faith". I can't help him, except to pray for him, that God will restore his belief.
It is a very unnatural thing, for a parent to bury a child. It's not the way that it should be. There was a young man in our community that was shot and killed, a few years ago, in a gas station robbery. He wasn't even supposed to work that night. They called him in, and he worked at a different location than he usually did. He had a bad feeling, and didn't want to go. However, he liked his boss, so didn't want to say no. Less than an hour into his shift, three young men walked in and shot him to death, as part of a gang initiation. (They caught the guys because they paulled their t-shirts up over their heads, so that the camera wouldn't record their faces. One of the boys had a very distinctive tatoo on his back. When the public saw it, someone identified him).
To this day, his Mom will not get out of her bathrobe, or leave the house. She has become the 'living dead'. She is so angry, she tried to sue the gas station.
Everyone grieves by their own timetable. You never get over it, but ACCEPTANCE is a big step to healing. When I got married, 36 years ago, a woman that I worked with gave me a plaque with 'The Serenity Prayer' on it. "Lord help me to accept the things I cannot change...". It is so appropriate.
Kind thoughts, (((HUGS))), and prayers go out to your Mom. Please let her know that she is not alone.
PS How are you and your sister doing? My DD said that no one stops to think of the siblings, and the loss that they sustain. She said that people would stop her, and say, "How are your parents doing?".
Thank you all for thinking of my Mom.
Since I typed my first post, Mom has been put on a new anti-depressant and taken off it 5 days later because her body can't handle the side effects. She lost 10 pounds in those 5 days from the diarrhea. Two of her 3 doctors have started communicating by phone in an attempt to help her!!!! They are starting with the anti-depressant and going from there. She seems a bit better today than she was last week and like Hol says, she has OK days and really BAD days.
I brought her some info from the internet about a geriatric psychiatrist and she is thinking that over and discussing it with the counselor she sees. Seeing her counselor has been bumped up from once a week to twice so maybe that will help!
We have tried to get her to volunteer for ANYTHING and she can't bring herself to do that. Hopefully, someday soon she will have a change of heart about that. She is not computer savvy and even though she has my sister's laptop, she will not get online but thank you for that offer Marcia!!
I am going to search for a Compassionate Friends close to her so that she can mull that option over too!! I think that might help her a lot!!
Like Hol said she will never commit suicide, even though she has thought about it, because she knows that she will not get to be with Jenny if she does that.
My sister and I are doing OK. We grieve in different ways ( mine happens at night when everyone else is asleep.) You're right Hol, everyone asks us how our Mom is doing but rarely do they inquire about us. Thank you so much for asking!!! I sometimes get angry with my Mom about different things in this process but it quickly goes away when I think about being in her position. I can't even imagine!!!!! I don't even like to think about it.
Thank you for your words of advice and support. I wish I could share your posts with my Mom but I think she might get upset if she knew I was posting this here!! So, I say thank you for her even though she doesn't know!!
A word about Compassionate Friends: It isn't for everyone. A friend of mine, whose 16 y/o son was killed in a car accident, told me that, and he was right. He said that his wife went, but that it wasn't his "cup of tea".
My DH went, as yet another attempt to find some solace. When it didn't work, (as nothing has) he stopped going. Also, the nearest meeting to us is fifty miles away, and at night.
I looked at some of the literature that he brought home. It seemed really morbid to me. The members identity seemed to have become "the person who had lost a child". That's all. They were just "shells" of what they were before their child passed. One of the things that they do in their newsletter every month, is publish a list of the deceased children whose birthdays are that month, along with their cause of death. To each his own, but I personally find that more harmful than helpful. I'm sure that the one who has passed over wants to be remembered for how they LIVED instead. That was just my take on it. I'm sure that some people are helped by it.
There isn't one anywhere near my Mom anyway!! That does sound more harmful than helpful and I'm kind of glad there isn't one even close!!
Thanks Hol!!
I've just used TCF on the web, and it's been great. It has so many nice stories, and some very uplifting messages. I don't read all of the dates. I don't read it word for word. I read the messages that have a title that jumps out at me, and they have really helped me.
No, I wouldn't want to sit in a meeting where everyone was crying all the time, but it would be nice to have the support of people who actually understand where you are coming from. Not many people do.
Holly, I'm sorry that your hubby didn't find it helpful. I hope all of their chapters aren't like that.
I also receive TCF on the web and it does mention birthdate and angel dates in the news letter, but does not mention the cause of death. At least not the one I receive daily.
It helped me alot by reading the daily newsletter. I have not personally attended any of their meetings so I can't say how they work.
My DSS is listed with the TCF and they never even asked the cause. Different chapters may be different.
I have met alot of very nice people online from TCF and am very happy that I found there site.
People that understand and have been through what our family has.
I wish I could talk my Mom into getting online!! She doesn't have any interest in it and I think part of that comes from the fact that my sister LOVED her computer and being online and Mom may feel that it is something she shouldn't do because my sister isn't here anymore to enjoy it. Does that make sense? I've tried to tell her that my sister would probably be doing backflips in heaven knowing that Mom has moved into the technology age but Mom just doesn't see it like that.
Thank you again for all of your posts!!!
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