When I graduated in 1992 I found a job across the country. At the time, dh and I were just dating. He worked until December that year and then moved out here with me. There are no jobs in Nova Scotia for us so that is why we moved.

DH has always wanted to move back to NS. We have been in BC and now Alberta for 12 years and to me, this is our home. This is where we have spent our entire married life and where our children were born and have been raised. I have no desire to move back. DH, on the other hand, really wants to move. His parents are in their 60s and 70s. My parents are both deceased. We each have two siblings that live back there. If you look at how much time his siblings children play with each other or how much time his siblings spend visiting his parents it would be about 2 weeks a year (total time). I just don't see making life altering decisions based on 2 weeks a year. Whenever the subject comes up he says, "well, it will probably never happen." But, the fact is, it is always at the back of his mind and I believe it is hindering our relationship.

I told him of a Dr. Phil show I watched where Dr. Phil suggested making choices about where to live based on jobs/homes/schools/etc...and leave family out of the equation. If you look at those factors, Nova Scotia is not the place for us.

I feel as though we aren't "family enough" for him. How can I make these feelings go away? Should I just give in, move and hope we find jobs when we get there?

By Pamt on Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 08:43 pm:

Well, I don't think you should totally leave family out of the equation when you consider where to leave, but it also shouldn't be an overriding factor unless you are moving to be nearer to an elderly parent or something. How close is your DH to his family and how do you fit in? If it's going to be an "Everybody Loves Raymond" situation then I wouldn't go or if the apron strings are still a bit too tight. Remember that men are supposed to "leave and cleave." However, it also might be nice to foster relationships between the aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. if you are on good terms with them. The job situation is certainly a crucial one and I definitely wouldn't move without having a job in place BEFORE you go out there. Maybe write down a list of pros and cons together. Our personal philosophy has always been to live no closer than a 4 hr radius to either set of parents. Right now we're at 3 hrs.

By Paulas on Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 08:50 pm:

We wouldn't live in the same town but I definitely don't get along with his parents. The thing is...and I know this may sound harse on my part...but I really don't think we should make the move (which I don't want to do) and struggle more financially than we do now based on being closer to his parents. They won't be along that much and then we are stuck there still struggling and they aren't there.

The other thing is, if we wait until we have a job there before we move it affects decisions we make here. The town we currently live in is rather stuck up and I would like to move. DH could get a transfer to another job in the same province. However, if we are eventually going to move back east I would stick it out here in order to avoid having DD and DS in any more schools than they have to be.

By Heaventree on Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 09:20 pm:

Paula, I have family in BC and in the Maritimes. We live in the Toronto area (economic reasons). My husband's family is in Montreal. I really miss BC and we both love the Maritimes and we wanted to move to Halifax a few years back. The fact of the matter is - for us there were no jobs on the East Coast, plain and simple. We moved to TO from Quebec as we both had a hard time with employement in Quebec, the situation was so unstable for such a long time we just couldn't take it any longer. I don't love where we live now, but we are financialy stable and this accounts for a whole lot. My husband has a great career, we have a nice home and I can stay at home with my ds. Are his parents retired? Can you not have his parents come and stay with you for a few months over the course of a year? We were thinking of buying a cottage on the east coast so that me and my ds could spend the part of the summer there and my dh could visit throughout the summer. Would this be a possibility for you?

By Paulas on Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 09:30 pm:

His parents are retired but there is no way his mom would visit for a few months. She hates leaving her home. Plus..that would lead us on the fast track to a divorce!

We have thought about buying a cottage too but we are so far away that even to spend a week a summer there would be expensive as it costs $2000 for us to fly there when the CHEAP seats are on sale. Summer seats would be closer to $4000!

I have said that if we do go to visit in the summer I would like to rent a cottage and have everyone come and visit us. It's been a long time since we went back as a family but when we do go it's not relaxing because we spend all of our time driving around to see everyone we are exhausted. My new philosophy is...we did the first 5000 miles..they can do the rest!

By Heaventree on Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 09:49 pm:

Paula, I think renting a cottage and having everyone come and visit is a great idea. I know it's expensive to fly, we can drive as we are much closer, even though I hate driving for 2 days straight and won't do it with a baby. I do think you have to try and be flexible in your thinking about this, your dh might desperately miss his family so you might have to compromise and bite the bullet and go for a few weeks every summer. Who knows a few years of this might make all the difference for him. You certianly do not want to alienate your dh by making him feel that he has to choose. I agree that you and your kids should be his first priority. Have you seen the movie "My Great Big Fat Greek Wedding"? There is a part in that movie that I truly love. The mom in the family convinces her husband that he must buy a travel agency for the daughter, but she does it in such a way that he thinks it's his idea. Anyway I guess my point is, don't try to dictate (not that you are) to your dh about what you want, come up with a suggestion and somehow make him think that it was his idea in the first place and it might be an easier pill for him to swallow. Just a suggestion.

By Paulas on Wednesday, January 19, 2005 - 08:08 pm:

bump...wanted more opinions