DH and I have been going through more and more rough times. We arent fighting just drifting away. He hasnt kissed me, told me is leaving for the day, or greeted me when he gets home for over a week. The cold war has been going on for over 4 months, just keeps getting worse and worse. I have no idea what is wrong, he wont tell me. We have been married for 16 years. I always thought we could get through anything if we worked on it together. I never thought he would want to stop working on our marrage. I have always loved him and continue to, I just dont know what to do. I always thought he loved me too.

I set up a counciling appt for next thurs. Give me some encouragemant, I feel like if you go to marrage counciling it is one step from the END... But I am at the end of my rope. NOBODY knows we are having problems, the kids, the family, the church, our friends so I have nobody to talk to. We both are people that if there are problems nobody knows because we put up a front for the world. So any stories about how counciling helped loads I could use right now. TIA

By Mrsheidi on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 02:02 pm:

I hope marriage counseling helps...LOTS of people do it, and it doesn't mean that it's the step before the END! It means you're willing to work at your marriage. Anyone who says they don't have to work at their marriage is lying. When you do go, just be very open for change and try to truly understand your partner.
We haven't had counseling (yet), but then again, we've only been married for 5 years. I would choose a Christian counselor and don't feel bad about people "not knowing". It's really no ones business and that's ok.

By Kernkate on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 02:15 pm:

{{{Anon}}} Best of Luck!

By Boxzgrl on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 02:29 pm:

(((HUGS))) I hope the two of you can resolve this. 16 years is a lot to give up on amd maybe the counseling will bring you back to the level you desire to be at. Let us know how it goes.

By Melanie on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 03:18 pm:

Dh and I went through counseling a couple of years ago and it was the best thing we ever could have done.

Good luck and many ((((HUGS)))).

By Colette on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 03:19 pm:

Good luck anon!

By Mrse on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 05:47 pm:

well, in the past I would be very defensive, and I would not be the one to try to patch things up, and fights would go on forever, so what I started doing is, being really nice, smooth things over, got him to go for a drive ( without the kids), try going for coffee or to dairy queen, something where he is sitting on the other side of the table from you. I have never been to counciling, for marriage, but if you think you can not get through it on your own , go for it. If he see's you are trying to make an effort, he should meet you half way. If he has agreed to going for councilling then he most likely wants to resolve things too. Hugs work too, just walk up and give him a hug, the more you back away because he is not taking the first step, it will most likely stay the same, their is no shame in being the one who makes the first move, I have learned that over the years. Hope things work out , try the hug works wonders

By Anonymous on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 06:23 pm:

I have made the first move, I have been the one to give hugs, I have been the one trying to go out for coffee or whatever. I have given him plenty of room to get over whatever is bothering him. I just started realizing that I was getting "bye" when I say "love you". I have to track him down to even know that he is home. I am not kissed unless he wants sex or we are at church. And sex has been literally in the middle of the night, after I have fallen asleep. I dont know if it is just habit and he wakes up wanting sex or if he just doesnt want to actually have to talk w/ me before hand. If I try to start "something" he will do "it" but there is no conection. We had a major excelation of the cold war 2 nights ago when he decided at 1 am that it was "time". I rolled over, if I am not worthy to be talked to or kissed or shown any consideration or compassion I am not worthy to have sex either. It's getting bad. I cry every day, I cant sleep, and honestly at this point sex is so emotionally painful for me I end up crying *during* sex unless I can keep myself from doing it. I feel so left out in the cold and I still have no idea whats wrong.

I called to find out if Thur was ok, he cant make it so I have a call in to see if I can reschedual. Maybe I will go alone.

By Kay on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 07:04 pm:

Even if you have to go alone, by all means, GO! I think you may be able to begin to answer some of the questions you have with some help from a professional, someone who is impartial and there to listen and guide you.

I applaud you for taking this step in your life. Marriage does take effort, and I know that dh and I have put in lots of that effort over the 23 years we've been married. But I truly believe if we had needed to, we would have gone to counseling.

Good luck!

By Mrsheidi on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 07:31 pm:

HUGS...I'm so sorry...
When you ask him what's wrong, what does he say?

By Nanashaven on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 07:39 pm:

You are in my prayers. Also talk to to our Heavenly Father for He knows what you are going through.Prayer works miracles!!

By Pamt on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 08:20 pm:

You take your car for a tune-up...well marriages need them too. DH and I haven't been to marriage counseling, BUT we do "routine maintenance" by either going to a marriage retreat (which is like huge group marriage counseling) or reading and discussing a marriage book together each year. Some people go to marriage counseling as a last ditch effort to save their marriage and some go at the first sign of problems. Don't worry about what others think. The important thing is getting to the bottom of these issues. Sounds like your DH is very emotionally distant right now and he might not know why or be able to put it into words. Hopefully counseling will help. I think you are very courageous for taking this step and hope that it is wonderful experience for you both. Good luck and please keep us posted, okay? (((Anon)))

By Musicmom on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 08:31 pm:

Anon, my heart and prayers go out to you.

By Hlgmom on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 08:33 pm:

Marriage counseling can be a fantastic way not only to repair a marriage but also just to keep things fresh! I have a friend who does go with her husband often and they swear it is why they are so happy! I am sure it will be a source of comfort for you! Best of luck and just go into it with the idea that it will work! The power of positive thinking!!!

By Colette on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 09:57 pm:

Anon, I am so sorry, I can really feel your sadness with you last post. Good luck with the counseling.

By Mrse on Friday, January 14, 2005 - 12:05 am:

Anon, well it really sounds like you have met him have way, actually more. I personally would not let him have sex with you especially if you are not awake, kind of hard but don't sleep in the same room., He is not giving you any respect at all. I am sorry you are going through this, wish I was their to give you a hug. I would go to the appointment on your own. It sounds like you should have seperate appointments before you have one together anyway, hope you can get this resolved. Hang in their.

By Conni on Friday, January 14, 2005 - 08:08 am:

Anon- go alone if you have to. But dont miss that appt. I just went back to a counselor last summer for the 2nd time in my marraige. I only went to a few sessions and it helped ALOT for me. I still look back on those sessions and pull info from them and use it on my dh. Just different ways of communicating, even the sex thing. My dh was pulling this stunt of wanting sex only in the middle of the night. The counselor said either dont have sex with him or just lay there like a mummy. (because my dh *wants* me to *get into it* as I am sure yours does). Beleive me, laying there like a mummy made a strong statement. LOL My dh is different in that I literally have to draw a big pic for him in order for him to *get* my point across. Its ridiculous frankly.

Anyhoo, my dh was being very cold to me like your dh and come to find out he was kind of involved with a very young girl after a business trip. No one thinks they actually slept together. Apparently he was fantasizing about a life with a young girl that had NO kids and a job. lol No baggage. Must have been a midlife thing going on. He is in his 40's. I do think he spent a good 2 weeks doing some major flirting maybe partying with her while he was away. I know they went to lunch almost everyday and they had to go do some business shopping together (to get new offices set up). So they spent wayyyy to much time together. In fact, we just got another email from her 2 weeks ago . So dh had to delete his email acct. (he had been using a second email acct) I sent her an email myself this time and told her too take a hike. ;)

So, here I am today still using those tactics I learned in my counseling sessions to get thru all my bitterness, while dh acts just ever so in-love with me again and wants me to fully trust him again. (yeah right!) gag... He doesnt have the nerve to do the sex in the middle of the night thing anymore either, btw... Once in a while is ok with that in a relationship--but dont let someone do that to you purposefully. You should want to be connected, and sex shouldnt be just about *him* every single time you do it.

Good luck to you and again, dont miss that appt. You'll feel better if you go talk to someone!!!

By Anonymous on Friday, January 14, 2005 - 01:02 pm:

*letter to dh*

I’m writing this because I cant seem to get the words out when I speak to you. Or I forget half of what I want to say. I want my husband back. I don’t know where you’ve gone but I want you to come back to me. I have no idea what to do anymore. I hate the cold war we have going. The one person who I trusted and love the most in the world has wandered off. I don’t have anyone to bounce my feelings off of. No one to discuss this with except you and I cant because it is about you. I know that you wouldn’t allow me to treat you the way you are treating me. I don’t know why I should allow you to treat me this poorly. I deserve at least a real honest answer of what’s going on, what I can do to mend it, or if there isn’t anything I can do at least let me know so I stop driving myself nuts trying to figure out what to do. You say that you hate driving w/ no noise because you think of all the things you have done wrong. I sit at home and wait for you to call, to come home, to make some sort of motion to coming back to me. I have all the time in the world to fret and cry and feel horrible about myself, my life, my mistakes, and our marriage. Always before this time that we have had problems we would both come back to the table and work things out. You haven’t shown up to do that. Remember when we discussed that you couldn’t see our marriage ending unless it was something catastrophic? I never guessed it would just be that you decided that it just wasn’t worth it anymore. I don’t understand why you are allowing our life together to go down the toilet. You said that you didn’t have the energy to deal w/ work and home so that you would just work and provide for us like you are supposed to. You act like you have no options w/ your job, you are a talented individual, you can do anything. If it takes me going back to work I am willing to do that, lose the house I am ok w/ that. I just want you back. You’ve told me it about sex, I could understand if it was that we weren’t having sex at all, but when you are home we have sex every 3-4 days. I don’t consider that deprivation and certainly not enough to end our lives together. The old you wouldn’t have let that happen anyway, I don’t know you now. The small tidbits of what you have told me don’t ring true. Maybe they do to the new you but they don’t to the you I fell in love with, that I always wanted to be with, the guy I still want to be with. I miss you so much. Please come back to me

By Colette on Friday, January 14, 2005 - 04:14 pm:

Good luck anon.

By Pixie on Friday, January 14, 2005 - 04:26 pm:

Marriage counseling might seem like the end to you - but it really can be the best beginning you can ever imagine. Good luck , I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

By Musicmom on Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 05:54 pm:

Anon, I have been thinking some more about you, and I would suggest that you start putting love notes places he will find them, home, car and work. Every time you see him, or talk to him, pay him a sincere compliment, like I appreciate how hard you work for our family, you are a great dad, you look good today hon, etc.

Go through and write down all the things that you fell in love with about him. This will help you with compliments.

At dinner, say, remember when we were dating and we did this...... The kids love to hear stories about their parents.

Ask him to think about this before answering like a day or two, but ask him what one thing could I do better for you? Another great question is When do you feel most loved by me? Which by the way, is a great question to ask kids too.

Unconditional love and lots of patience. God will direct you, stay close to him, he will guide you and prompt you with what to say and when and what more you can do.

By Anonymous on Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 06:34 pm:

This morning he left til Friday, he informed me that we werent "worth the trouble" to try to make anything work. Praying I have been doing plenty of. I truely have handed this to God because I cant deal w/ it anymore. When I look at my sweet children and think that the time with their dad can only be short my heart breaks. I know that he is very close to just not coming home. I pressed him for reasons why, he didnt have any, just that we wernt worth it. I pointed to our 4 yo who thankfully was not paying attention and asked if he wasnt worth it, he told me I was putting words in his mouth. I asked him exactly what he wanted me to do, he told me to move on. I told him I would love to know how to do that, and with sarcasm that it should be easy huh? I became a sahm so that he could advance in his career. About all I qualify for is burger flipper. AND he still will be traveling so the kids would be alone, not what I wanted for them, not what he wanted for them. I cant make an appt to get him to go to a councillor, he always is gone on business. I asked him if he was cheating, he said no and I guess I believe him because that would be an easy out for him because I dont share. I am really sorry I had sex w/ him last night. It wont happen again. How in heck am I going to explain to the kids that their dad has gone nuts? They havent even seen us fighting. Going to wait til the kids go to bed and get super drunk.

By Paulas on Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 06:45 pm:

Oh my Gosh! I wish I had some wonderful advice for you. ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

I can't understand how he could say that your marriage wasn't worth trying. How was he last night while you were having sex? Something is going on in his head.

I wish I could help.

By Fionadeassis on Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 06:57 pm:

Anon-I am so sorry! (((((((HUGS))))))))!!!!!

fiona

By Kate on Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 07:13 pm:

I'm really sorry you're going through all this. Why is he gone for a whole week? Is he just in a hotel taking a break, or is he off on business? Did you give him your note?

By Pamt on Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 08:36 pm:

I am so sorry. The really frustrating thing is that you can't really fix something when you don't know what is wrong and it seems like your DH is expecting you to be a mind reader. Please keep your counseling appt.---I hope you get some good insight there.

By Colette on Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 08:55 pm:

I am so sorry anon.

By Anonymous on Saturday, January 15, 2005 - 09:15 pm:

Having the first glass of wine, Paula as far as the sex, it was all about him.... Kate he's gone on business, I know some of it is mandatory which is why I didnt immediately start to question him. I think that some is that he HAS to be gone and some it is just easier if he is gone. He has been blaming his boss on his hectic work schedual, it is why I have given him alot of slack. Maybe my giving him room made him feel like I wasnt interested. As far as the letter, when I went to give it to him he told me that his mom has cancer. I am not the type of person to hand a letter like the above to a guy whos mom has just been diagnosed with cancer.

I have thought he might be depressed. He certainly isnt acting right. I have never seen him like this, if you told me that he would act like this a year ago I would have told you you were crazy. This is the guy I had every intention of death til you part. I think I will go to the appt on thurs. I dont know if it will help much w/out him there but as much as I appreciate all your support, (and I cant tell you how much it helps because I really dont have anyone to talk to) maybe seeing her will help. ((hugs)) to all of you, I wish you could hear my voice so that you would know how much I really really appriciate all your support. It's whats holding me together right now.

By Imamommyx4 on Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 12:46 am:

Bless your heart. I wish I could give you a real hug. Not much advice at this point. You are just waiting for the next move. Man!

By Rayanne on Sunday, January 16, 2005 - 08:59 pm:

I am so sorry sweetie. I wish there was something that I could do. My best advice is don't give up. If you love him, fight for him. Don't let him give up. We are all here for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

By Anonymous on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 08:04 pm:

Remember me? Well I haven't seen or spoken to dh since sunday. He was supposed to return yesterday at the latest. I dont know where he is, if I call him he drops me into his voicemail. We have our first counciling appt on Friday, he has always had an excuse for not coming to any of the the previous appts. He has gone once by himself and I have gone by myself once. I think that if he doesnt show for this appt he is out. I will figure out what to do from there.

By Colette on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 08:08 pm:

((anon)) I am sorry you have to go through this.

By Palmbchprincess on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 10:29 pm:

Where did he go? Was it business or did he leave to get a break? That's awful, either way, that he hasn't called or anything. I hate to say give up, but is this really a person you want to married to? What about the kids? He just walked out on them too. (((Anon))) This is all so sad, I really wish you the best. And one bit of advice, write everything down. If your marriage ends, you need to have all of this info for court.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, March 2, 2005 - 11:01 pm:

ugh! That is bad. I will keep you in my prayers.

BTW- Crystal is right. You do need to sit down and make note of everything thats happened. I had gone to my attorney in the Fall over a child support question and I mentioned some things to her about my marriage while I was there... The first thing she said was 'Start a file.' Sad I know, but if someone is not treating you right, and there are children involved you HAVE to think about YOU and be prepared.

Going anon as my dh reads the boards now.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, March 3, 2005 - 05:02 am:

The anon above is right. While you don't want your marriage to end, it is not entirely up to you. Start a file, and also start a file in which you list all financial matters - bank accounts, life insurance, retirement benefits, employer health insurance, any savings or investment accounts, car license and VIN numbers, copies of documents relating to your house if you own it, copies of previous years tax returns including any W2s and 1099s, credit cards, loans, and anything else you can think of - and copies of your marriage certificate, the kids birth certificates and, if you can, his driver's license and any personal information documents (birth certificate, etc.). Also, any addresses of his family members, where he goes when he goes away like he did now.

I don't know whether counseling will help your marriage - certainly if he doesn't participate it isn't likely. But I have found counseling valuable in several situations because a good counselor is not emotionally involved in the situation and can ask the questions that need to be asked and answered. My own thinking is that most of the time we already know the answers but we don't know the questions, and a good counselor will help you ask yourself the questions and find your own answers, wherever they lead you. I wish you well, and I urge you to come here to talk, vent, cry, or whatever is helpful to you. Being in the situation you are in, with no one you feel comfortable talking to, you definitely need a place to talk about your feelings, and I think you can see that you will get support and help here.

By Palmbchprincess on Thursday, March 3, 2005 - 12:41 pm:

Good point about family addresses. My ex's parents moved during our divorce, and I had no contact information. Since he never sees the kids or calls, I had no way of passing photos on to his family. I lucked out by finding an old address book with his grandmom's address, and sent a letter, but haven't heard back. It's really a sad situation.

By Anonymous on Thursday, March 3, 2005 - 03:53 pm:

He was gone on business. I went out last night to talk w/ our pastor, to tell him that I was tired of lying to him because everytime that dh is gone I say he is gone and then I feel like I am lying because I dont know when he is gone if he has to be gone. My pastor is supporting dh saying doesnt the business realize he has a family. At least you are lucky to be able to be home w/ the kids. I feel like screaming at him that why would his work realize he has a family when he doesnt remember he has a family. So it felt like lying to me. My pastor had company so I didnt stop, I dont know maybe it was best.

On my way back home I finally made contact w/ dh last night. I told him that I didnt think he was treating me fairly, that making me wonder if he was coming home at all was rotten. I told him I hated having to try to figure out what to do if he just decided not to come home. He said that he knew that it wasnt fair and that he was sorry. He said he felt guilty being gone all the time and not supporting the kids and I emotionally so all he was doing was running himself ragged at work and at least get that the way he wants it to be. He said that when it gets late he realizes that he hasnt called and then he feels super guilty so he doesnt call because he feels guilty and that makes it much worse. Then he is embarressed to call because he didnt call before when he should have just called and then he adds more guilt to his guilt. I told him that I still wanted this to work but that I really didnt trust him anymore, he told me he couldnt blame me. So I guess we are a bit better, he promised he will make the appt on Friday.

As far as all of the advice on making sure I know the financial records and addresses and such, I am the bookkeeper of the family and he has no idea what we have, dont have, or where it is. I have been keeping a log of when he is gone and when he is home for a couple of months. I really dont want to have this end but I have been preparing for that eventuality, honestly doing it makes me sick but I know that the kids come first and if thats what it takes then thats what it takes. Once again thanks for all your support.

By Feonad on Friday, March 4, 2005 - 06:45 am:

What time does he come home?