In-laws driving me crazy!!!!
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive January 2005:
In-laws driving me crazy!!!!
I need some serious advice about my in-laws. Kaleigh is the first grandchild on that side of the family. My husband and I are both young parents--we're 23 and Kaleigh is 2. When we go to their house, it feels like we're outsiders and Kaleigh is their child. They make plans to take her places and buy her stuff; which I don't mind them doing, but they don't ask us. For example, they made plans to take her to Sesame Street Live. Not a big deal, I know--but they informed me like this, "We're taking Kaleigh to see Sesame Street Live next month." What they should have said was, "Would you mind if we took Kaleigh to ...." That's just an example. Maybe I'm overreacting. We also recently changed day cares and my mother-in-law had to come inspect the place herself. It was like she didn't think I was capable of choosing a good daycare for MY child. It just really irritates me. Would this bother any of you?
I suggest you first talk to your dh (dear husband) about this and see what he thinks. If he agrees with you, then I think you need to have a quiet, calm talk with your mil (mother-in-law).
As a mother of grown children, I know how hard it is to stand back and let things happen - especially if there is a dear granddaughter in the mix. But your mil has to realize that (a) Kaleigh is YOUR daughter, not hers/theirs, and (b) she is stepping on your toes and hurting your feelings. She may not realize what she is doing or that it is hurting you - mil's are no better at mind reading then the rest of us.
I think you have two choices - you can deal with each event as it happens. For example, if something like Sesame Street comes up, you can say - gee, I'm sorry, but that is treat dh and I have promised ourselves, to take Kaleigh to (whatever), but if you want to go with us that will make it more fun.
And if they give Kaleigh a big gift, you can say "gee, that's awfully nice, but much too extravagant for an "unbirthday" present - but it can count as your birthday present for Kaleigh so when her birthday comes you should only give her a token gift. We don't want Kaleigh to have too many expensive toys because we think it is not good for her. And if the gift is inappropriate, for age or whatever reason, you can say, gee, mil, I'm sorry, but that ??? is not appropriate for Kaleigh because (your reason); I'm sorry, but we really can't allow her to have it.
Or, you can sit down ahead of time, after talking with dh, and have a heart-to-heart talk with mil. If you decide to go that route, think out carefully what you want to say and practice it - with specific examples of events that upset you and how you felt at the time. Tell her you know that she loves Kaleigh and you are glad that Kaleigh has such loving grandparents. Remind her that she raised her children, and that you want to be free to raise your child/children - and she would have been upset if others had interfered.
If she apologizes and says she will try to do better, then you will be free to gently remind her when she oversteps. Gently, saying, mil, I'm sure you mean well but remember, we have an agreement about how this sort of thing happens.
If she gets huffy, then you have to say, I'm sorry, mil, but Kaleigh is our daughter and we make the rules - and one of the rules is that you don't step in and try to take over. You don't visit the daycare center, you don't make plans for Kaleigh without asking our permisson first, and you don't buy her any gifts costing over ($ whatever you are comfortable with) without asking us first to be sure we think it is something she should have. You have to respect our rights as Kaleigh's parents to decide how she will be raised and to make the rules for her. I hope you will, because it is important for Kaleigh to have loving grandparents who treat her parents with respect for their rights as parents. I'm sure you don't want to teach her that she should not respect her parents, but that is one likely outcome of the way things are going right now. (and whatever else you can think of that makes sense).
Don't make threats, don't, don't, don't get angry or raise your voice (which is why you should practice ahead of time, and in your practice try to think of the things your mil might say in response and how you will answer her). If she responds with something that is not responsive to what you have said, then you have to say, I'm sorry, mil, but we are not talking about (whatever she raises). We are talking about the way you behave towards Kaleigh and her parents and why this should change, and that is what I want to talk about now.
Whichever you choose to do, be sure to talk it all out with your dh ahead of time and make sure the two of you are in agreement. Kaleigh is your daughter, but mil is dh's mother, and he is going to be in the middle on this and may get some flack from his mom, so he should be in full, whole-hearted agreement with whatever you decide to do.
I have found role-playing practice ahead of time that I describe above very helpful to me in being able to say what I want to say and keep my cool in the process.
Good luck. Golly, I hope I don't act like that when (if) I am blessed with a grandchild.
Oh, and welcome to Momsview. I hope you like it here - we think it is a great place.
I would have my husband talk to her to see if he can get her to understand. I find it better if everybody deals with their own parents/siblings else you are messing with in grain patterns.
Thanks for the advice Ginny...I've actually tried some of that already. dh thinks we should just let it go and not worry about it. I can't do it anymore. Have you ever seen the show "Everybody Loves Raymond"? Our situation is kind of like that. She's overbearing and extremely sensitive, so finding a way to bring it up without hurting her feelings, and without me getting upset, has been one of the main problems. And your right about dh being in the middle of it. Whenever mil has a problem with me or something I did, she goes right to him. I also really hate confrontations. But, I guess I just need to suck it up and talk to her. Thanks again for the advice.
Remind your husband, "forsaking all others, cleaving only unto thee". That's what it means. IMO, he should be telling his mother, look, if you have an issue to discuss with Tara, discuss it with her. I won't talk about my wife behind her back with anyone, not even my mother.
He may not think it is important, but I am serious that what lies ahead in the future is your daughter seeing that her grandparents don't treat her parents (especially her mom) with respect. And at some point you are going to say, No, Kaleigh, you can't have that, and she is going to say, then I'll just ask Grandma and she'll give it to me. And then what will dh do?
Hello!
I have some experiece with MIL's (as I've had 2 of them) and let me tell you that going through your husband to take care of this situation is not the best idea. He's already told you in not so many words that he's not ready to deal with it. Additionally, men tend to take these things more lightly then women do. (If the shoe were on the other foot he would probably take a different stand...but it's not!)
First let me say that this advice comes with years of experience that you obviuosly don't have yet being that you are very young (I was 22 when my first child was born [their first grandchild as well]....I've been where you are).
You could look at this a couple of ways....
(#1) the day will come that your daughter isn't going to be able to spend time with her grandmother at all.
(#2) You could sit back and enjoy the fact that somebody is relieving you of your motherly duties for a short time (you'll understand the importance of this when/if you have another child).
(#3) When grandchildren are born, something happens to grandparents....they seem to throw every bit of knowledge, disipline, rules and even memory they had when their children were young out the window. The rules change entirely. It's a fact!
Although I agree that your inlaws should "ask" before making some of these decisions regarding your daughter, you could look at it like a gift.....if they would have bought the tickets as a holiday or birthday gift, they wouldn't have asked you first and it would have (more than likley) been alright with you...or at least not as big of a deal.
Try to enjoy the fact that your inlaws want to be part of your daughters life. There are so many grandparents that don't have any contact with their grandchildren and those children are missing what could be the greatest gift of their lives.
I spent almost all my time with my grandparents (mostly Gramma). My dad was always working and my mom had a daycare in her home, we lived in the country, and I was one of 4 children. I enjoyed the time to feel special and I learned so much from my Gramma. She taught me how to sew, how to clean, how to cook and how to bake. I learned things about the animals on the farm and how to drive a "stick shift". I carry these memories and the lessons with me today and since I don't live close enough for my kids to share the same thing with my Mom or their grandparents, I pass those memories onto my children now.
It's truly a gift to have a grandparent that wants to be involved and even though my kids aren't even close to the age to have kids of their own, I can't wait to be a grandparent and toss every single rule out the window and spoil every inch of my grandchildren!! I plan to be a very large part of their lives and if they don't live close by, I guess I'll have quite a few frequent flyer miles!
Try to enjoy the fact that this women wants to be a part of your babies life. If you think she's gone overboard or is being too overbearing, maybe a nice note with a bunch of flowers will do the trick. You just have to make sure that you do it with class to spare any hard feelings later. Of course, you should always discuss it with your husband first but don't "ask" him....if you feel stronly enough that something needs to be done, then discuss it with him, but don't put him in a position to make the decision final.
I hope I've helped somewhat. I know it can be difficult. Good luck!
I moved this from the *new to Momsview* board where it will get more traffic.
I would have been livid about Sesame Street. Soon she will reach an age where if they plan something and she can't go due to a scheduling conflict because the in laws never ASKED beforehand, your daughter will be mad at YOU. My sister used to do this allll the time. She'd call on the phone and want to talk to my daughter, which was normal, and somewhere in there she'd ask her to do something or go somewhere and my daugher would gleefully say YES!! and then *I* would find out and have to tell her no, you can't do that because you have a doctor appt. that day or we already have plans or whatever. Demand respect from them, and from your husband....you deserve it. Ginny had great advice, I hope you are brave enough to follow it. Good luck!
I wonder ifyou are taking it a little too much that way because of your age. I guess I have inlaws who act like we don't exist most times, I wish they would go out of their way to plan stuff and time to spend with my kids. It would be nice to be asked instead of told, but some people are just shorter with words than others. How would they react if you said oh, bummer she can't go because of this conflict? I think we all have that moment that we want to make sure we are the parents and in charge, but you are, don't let them stress you.
Well, it's not that I don't want them spending time with her...it's more that they disregard how I feel about certain things. I feel as if they don't think I'm capable of making the right decisions for her, which really ticks me off because I think I am doing a good job raising her. Things have gotten better recently though--my sister-in-law (husband's sister) got married and at the reception (after a few drinks) I kinda told her off. Probably not the best way to handle it, but she really made me mad, and she's been a lot more considerate since then!.
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