Sister In Law strikes again! W I T C H
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Sister In Law strikes again! W I T C H
OK for Christmas I made my sister in law a bedtray with all her wedding memorabilia. This was a project I spent many hours on. It was sealed in glass and also had silicone around the glass. The finish was a crackle finish with 4 layers of varnish to protect it.
She sent a "thank you" today in which she described how she left a spilled drink on the tray and the "condensation" ruined the tray.
I am just in stunned disbelief that anyone would send a thank you note telling a person how they destroyed a gift that someone spent hours making them. This on top of giving my son a girls gift for Christmas has me wanting to end our gift exchanges once and for all.
Any suggestions on how to word my letter telling her that we will no longer be exchanging gifts?
Yvonne
This is the letter I drafted. What do you think?
Starting this year we will no longer
be exchanging presents with siblings
and their children. With everyone’s
extended families growing, exchanging
presents has gotten out of hand.
We feel it will benefit us all to
discontinue this tradition. Please
save your money and spend it on
your own family instead of ours.
We will, of course, continue
to send cards on occasions.
Love,
John & Yvonne
Maybe it's something you could just informally discuss with everyone, rather than writing a note?
I'm so sorry she ruined a gift you spent so much time on.
Ame
We do not live near each other to discuss it in person
I just mentioned to both sides of the family that we would buy only for the kids a few years back. I think that your note sounds just fine. Something you may think of doing is donating to a charity as a family instead of the gift exchange.
I am truly astounded at your SIL. I think your letter is fine, but is a bit formal.
Perhaps:
John and I have decided to make a few changes this year and we wanted to let you know of them. Beginning now, with our brand new year, we will no longer be exchanging presents with brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews. We hope you understand, but with everyone’s extended families growing, exchanging presents has gotten a bit out of hand for us. We appreciate everyone's generosity in the past and now we encourage you to take the money you would have spent on us and our family and use it for yourselves or others.
We will, of course, continue to send cards on all your special occasions.
Or something like that! I just thought it needed some softening. I totally understand your predicament!! If it goes over really badly you could always announce that you're doing family gifts from now on....Blockbuster cards for the whole family, food baskets for the family, board games, dvds, whatever. Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
Personally, I think you should just call her. Tell her what hurt your feelings and why. Perhaps questioning her..."Why would you tell me that you ruined a gift that I worked so hard on? That really hurt my feelings.... Did you know that the gift your gave my son was a girl's gift? That really hurt HIS feelings, I expect better from an aunt he loves, etc" Then, explain that maybe it's not worth the gift giving if this is the way it's going to be. Gifts should be given to make the recipient happy...plain and simple. And, that "ain't happenin'."
She's going to try to find some other way to keep being the way she is...it's not the gifts that are the problem.
PS- it REALLY works best if you don't accuse...just ask questions and she'll realize it on her own that what she does really does hurt you and your family. Does she have any kids?
Oh Yvonne - what a jerk she is. Fortunately, she is your sil and not really a "member" of "your" family.
Knowing what you've posted of your history with your husband's family, and believing from what you've posted before that he will support you, I think a note is a good idea. Kate's softening of it is excellent, and I suggest you adopt her suggestion.
MRSHEIDI: If you do not know her history (which is too long to get into) you may think a good sit down might resolve these issues. They will not. She some how thrives on creating these issues and the ones always getting hurt are us. She does have kids and I have always gone out of my way to buy appropriate and thoughtful gifts. I just cannot tolerate her games any longer. She finds way to be hurtful in ever interaction with us.
KATE: THANK YOU! Your letter is perfect! I do tend to be too formal when I feel like my back is against the wall. Your letter is exactly what I needed. I will be using it. Thank you for your help!
Yvonne
Since I've read enough about your SIL to know she is without a doubt simply horrible and a total nutjob, I'm surprised you went to such an effort on a gift for them. I would have gone the token, generic gift route, like a family gift certificate or something else meaningless that takes 2 minutes to buy.
I wouldn't write them a note. I just wouldn't gift them anymore or gift them something totally bizarre and out there.
Sorry...i just didn't want you to look like the "bad guy" in any way...people like her have a way of twisting it to look that way.
You're right, you know her best! Good luck!
What a witch! I like Kate's letter, good luck!
I like Kate's letter too.
I don't like how Christmas has gotten all about exchangine gifts. It creates a lot of stress on an otherwise joyful, peaceful holiday.
I knew this post had to be from you. Gosh, she just doesn't get any better, does she? I like Kate's letter. It's gets the point across without making you look awful. I think this will make for a much nicer Christmas next year.
I agree-I like Kate's letter. It definitely has the softer tone, while still making the point.
I'm sorry she managed to do this to you once again. How frustrating!!
I did make that gift because I do not want to be the bad guy so I have always put as much time and thought into their gifts as I do for people who are much nicer to me. Every wedding I have attended I have made a type of memory gift. To give her a bizarre gift would be me stooping to her level. I don't want to do that but I also no longer want to be caught in this vicious cycle of dealing with whatever ridiculous nonsense she cooks up. Lately her nonsense has been with giving rude gifts to us and treating our gifts like crap so by eliminating the whole gift giving process my kids do not need to wonder why their aunt is being so mean to them. Granted she will likely find another way but at least this is one less thing we have to deal with.
Thank you everyone for your help and advice. When I first got her letter I couldn't stop crying. I cannot imagine telling someone how I ruined their gift. It is HER loss--after-all it was her wedding memorabilia!
Glad I could help. Reacting formally and super politely when you are trying hard not to rip someone's head off is what I do, too.
Out of morbid curiosity, WHAT did she say in the note?? Did she thank you at all, or just complain about it?
Sorry she is such a jerk. People can be so thoughtless and mean-spirited sometimes.
Wow, not nice, do you think she did it on purpose? If she did she has alot more hate in her than is healthy. Especially ruining something that is really hers from her wedding. I think the letter thing is a heck of a idea.
Just as an aside, I had an Aunt who pulled this kind of stuff. The final straw was when I was about 12 she bought me the most ugly granny panty underware in about 6 sizes too big. When I opened it christmas morning w/ my two older brothers watching I ended up trying to ignore there giggling, put on a brave face, then went to my room and cried my eyes out. I always pre-opened her gifts after that and quite a few of them *disappered* I know that it was malicious and I havent spoken to her since my grandmother died 20 years ago. It was all about my mom and her sister hating each other since long b4 I was born, and everyone trying to get along til their mother died. I ended up fodder in the sister wars.
It first stated thank you for her daughter's gifts "The barbie set she is enjoying but the dresses will need to be held for a year as they are too big!")
The next part said "The bed tray you made is ruined" and then proceeded to describe how. She said even the finish was ruined. Now I can possibly understand water getting under the glass (though it was sealed well with silicone) BUT the finish had 4 coats of varnish. I know that would not get penetrated easily! She must have dumped something and left it that way. I would die of embarrassment before telling someone I ruined a gift I knew they spent hours on. I guess that is just the difference between her and me. My husband read her note and promptly threw it in the garbage. He told me that was the last thing I was making for them. I showed him Kate's letter and he said it was perfect. It will go out in tomorrow's mail.
Yep, best thing you can do, sil is a nasty person.
I would wait. You are very mad. Do the letter in June or July.
Your sil is very insensitive.Sounds like she is an unhappy person.I think your letter is a good idea ,perhaps she will realize how rude she was being ?
Like you said , at least you will not have to deal with it again.
Life is to short.Don`t let her get to you.
I think I would end the exchange as well she sounds like a real winner. Any one with any brains would have wiped the spill up right away. I also want to know why you spent such a long time creating her gift when you knew she is a witch. I think that you should do it soon, so that she does not come back and say they already bough for you then it would all start again. Once the letter is delivered, your stress level will go way down.
She does sound like a really unhappy person! I'm so sorry she hurt your feelings. I would send the letter if it make you feel better. Honestly, you can't change her though. Just find the positive and move on. Donate the gift to someone who needs it and next year don't spend your energy on her gift. I hope next year is better!
I would put it back on her..."I was so sorry to hear that you ruined the tray. It was such a lovely reminder of a beautiful day. Actually it came as a suprise to me as I have made many of these for close friends and yours is the only one that has been ruined. I know that you would treat it with care and respect just as they do with theirs. What do you think could have been the cause? I do so hate disappointing anyone with my gifts. You take such care with your gift choices that I know you understand what I am saying. I think you'd agree with me that next year we should just enjoy Christmas without the regrets of failed gifts, and send our love with cards and letters.
Take care and much happiness always.
Ditto Eve, you cant shange her.
I probably wouldnt get sucked into her games myself. But thats just me. I have an aunt with some *issues* and my Mom kept letting it really get to her. I mean you would not believe some of the emails my parents were getting from her and some really nasty msg's on their answering machines. Very sad. My Mom kept responding to her. I finally explained to my Mom that she was doing excatly what my Aunt *wanted* her to do. My Aunt *wanted* a reaction from my parents (any kind- positive or negative). As soon as Mom realized this, she quit playing the games, she started ignoring her and what do you know... Aunt Psycho doesnt have fun emailing my parents anymore. In fact, I cant remember the last time they got a nasty email from her. 
Sometimes not responding makes a much bigger statement than you would think.
I'd do the same thing in this situation. I'd toss her card in the trash and chalk it up to lesson learned. Dont give her a nice handmade gift again! If I didnt get along with her I would not be doing gift exchanges with her anyway. I might get the kids something but I'd not bother buying her a gift. I wouldnt announce it--I'd just put some gifts in the mail to her kids next yr and leave it at that. If she says something about why you didnt purchase her a gift, I'd say funds were low and Christmas is about the kids. End of conversation.
I dont do things like I should tho!! LOL
I cannot ignore another thing with her. The next "occasions" are my childrens not hers. Since she has been tangling them up in her nonsense we do not want to give her the opportunity to do any more to them. If it were just me I would let it go. It is how she involves my kids.
I have mailed Kates letter. It does not mention anything about this incident in the letter so she will not know she had any affect on me. I am not going to say a word about the bed tray. She wants to hurt me I am sure--why give her the satisfaction? If she has a hissy fit about the gifts John said he will call her and tell her off. I am hoping she is happy about it--obviously it is hard for her to buy and accept gifts.
I'm glad your husband is behind you 100%. This is his brother's wife? Is this the one who had your husband and daughter in their wedding, but you weren't invited to the rehearsal dinner? Did you get into some trouble over the shower or bachelorette party, too? And what was the issue over your daughter's dress? I'm vaguely remembering that if it didn't fit she was going to just choose someone else? Do I have this whole thing right? She's not the one who insisted on visiting when you clearly said no and then spent four hours in your driveway, right? I doubt that is her as she doesn't seem the type to want to visit....but unfortunately there are so many mean SILs that I'm mixed up!
Let us know how this ends!
It is confusing because Tink has similar issues with SIL and they both were married around the same time last year
To answer your questions Kate:
It is my husbands sister
If we did not get to the rehearsal on time they were not going to let my daughter be the flower girl (and actually held her dress hostage).
They gave everyone in the wedding party a gift except my daughter.
I was told not to be in the family pictures at the wedding.
And YES this is the SIL who insisted on coming here last year (when we asked her not to as we were recovering from the flu) and sat in our driveway for hours.
And she is the one who gave Addison a flower scented bead set for Christmas
....and all the other nonsense she has done
Yikes! I can't figure out why she'd want to visit when she so enjoys hurting you long distance. So the children....are they your brother's kids, too, or are they her's from a previous relationship? Feel free to ignore all my nosy questions!! I certainly don't mean to pry but I know they were recently married and if they'd had a baby by now it would be an infant who wasn't playing with Barbie sets....
Kate
She is having a baby very soon (by next month)
from new hubby. (And *evil laugh* she must have been pregnant at the wedding--the only reason I find this funny is they accused me of being pregnant when I married John and I was NOT)
Her daughter is from previous marriage.
She is my husbands sister.
The visit had to be only because we said no. She likes to get her way on everything. She is a pitbull if you dare to say no to her.
It's a very good thing you've pulled out now, before the baby comes! At least you don't have to worry about baby gifts!
Hmmm...already gave baby gifts but thats OK.
Well, she had to have received the letter and we have heard nothing.
It is likely 1 of 2 scenarios.
Either she is ignoring it and will continue with gifts or
She is too annoyed to respond.
She has ignored other things we have told her if they do not suit her. I guess only time will tell if she respects our wishes. Addison's birthday is coming up. If she sends a gift we will send it back with another copy of the letter.
Good for you! Make sure it's not opened...just tape the letter (in an envelope) and put "return to sender".
Geez...Waht a nasty woman she is. I think she is jealous of your family and just not a happy person. People like her just are not happy with themselves deep down if they have to be as passive aggressive as she is.
If she ignores your letter and continues to do her own thing, keep the gifts she sends, but hold on to your original plan from the letter. If you send her gift back, she will think your the bad guy...if you do not continue with her game with the gifts, you will be the bad guy too. She thrives on making Catch 22's for everyone. DON'T let her continue! She will get the hint quick enough, but be prepared for her to lay blame on you and your family. Sounds like she never owns up to any wrong doing. Stick to your guns and no matter what ever she decides to continue to do...keep to your plan and wash the stress of her issues away, it is no longer your problem..its hers! So sorry she is the way she is.
Amy
I agree with Katiesmommy that it's not the best idea to send the gift back. After all, you really can't tell other people what to choose to spend their money on or to give you gifts or not. Your letter 'encourages' them to spend their money on themselves or others instead of your family. It's really up to them to decide, though. The point of your letter is that YOU will not be sending gifts anymore.
That said, I realize you have a real concern of her sending inappropriate gifts to your kids and your kids getting hurt. I think they're old enough that you could actually sit down with them and say, 'hey kids, you know how Aunt Witch gave Addison that girl gift? And how she wasn't appreciative of the bedtray I made her? Well, unfortunately Aunt Witch seems to have a hard time giving and receiving presents. I wrote her a nice letter telling her that we had decided to NOT exchange gifts anymore. BUT, Aunt Witch decided to send this gift to Addison anyway. That's okay, we can't MAKE or TELL people what to do with their own money, and it WAS kind of Aunt Witch to remember your day. The problem might be, though, that it will be another girl gift. If it's something totally inappropriate we will just donate it to charity and try and laugh it off. Aunt Witch just doesn't know little boys very well! If Jessica gets an inappropriate gift, we'll do the same thing. The important thing is that we understand Aunt Witch has issues here and how we react to it is important.'
Good luck, let us know what happens! When is his birthday?
I think Kate is right in her advice, but, you want your kids to form their own opinion of "Aunt Witch"..you don't want them calling her that to her face one day (hee-hee). I would explain to the kids (if the gifts are cruddy) that their Aunt means well (yeah right), and to appreciate any gift given. I just want the kids to be better than their Aunt. I hope this makes sense.
Amy
The kids refer to her as "cruella deville" as she has done MANY hurtful things to them. They expect this treatment from her which is why I want it ended. The scariest part of all---she is a guidance counselor for elementary kids!
Frightening huh?
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