I am eight months pregnant with our second child. Our children will be a year apart. (i know most people think i am crazy). anyhow with our first he didn't want to be in the delivery room but of course I insisted. I have yet to get an answer to why. And now he has made a few comments that he doesn't want to be in the delivery room for this one either. He wont say why. Have any of you had this problem. I must say he is the most loving father and dotes on his children. When our daughter was born i hardly got to hold her. He loves the baby part, and the raising of children part. But the pregnancy and delivery room part he is not very supportive. Help! am I over reacting?

By Rayanne on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 01:29 pm:

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to send you {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 01:41 pm:

My DH wanted to be in the delivery room, but he wanted to be up by my head, not down below. (I ended up having a C-section and he was there during the whole surgery and even videotaped it and sent it to the 4 corners of the world! ACK!)

But, I know there is something with a lot of guys and seeing a baby come out of the "hoo-haa" region that changes the way they view it after the birth. Some men want to believe that that area was made just for them.
Just one idea...I hope he tells you!!! I know that would hurt my feelings.
Maybe he could stand up by your head in the "Northern" region?

By Mommmie on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 02:01 pm:

I'd give him a pass. They asked me if I wanted a mirror and I said "Lord, No!" If I didn't have to be there I wouldn't have been there either.

By Juli4 on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 02:33 pm:

Yeah I would say as long as he is so supportive of everything else. Maybee he can not watch the actual birth but be there for you. I wanted my husband there. He was great support and the only one I had to be there so it was really important that he was there. Do you have other support people that you could have be with you?

By Missmudd on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 03:16 pm:

Maybe he is embarrassed that he might get sick, pass out, cry, shout alleluia who knows. I asked DH about this a while back and he said that he would have done almost anything not to be there because he hated seeing me that uncomfortable and not able to do much to help. But he felt that he should be the first person to see his new baby w/ me and that he would suck it up. I dont know if I would have the gumption to be in the delivery room for anyone other than a daughter, (which I dont have). So I would give him a pass too, but see if you can figure out exactly why he doesnt want to be there and if there is anything to be done to make him more comfortable.

By My2cuties on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 03:19 pm:

My dh watched the 1st one but with my 2nd he stayed near my head, but kept peeking to see the baby. He loved being in there though because he held the baby first. I have read a ton of articles about men not wanting to be in the delivery room. It is nothing personal, some men just do not want to see their wives go through so much pain, others have a hard time dealing with a baby coming out of that area. I wouldn't be offended, I am sure he is only not telling you because he thinks it would hurt your feelings if he told you he didn't want to watch a baby come out of your area.

On another note, I don't think your craZy for having your kids a year apart, that's your business. My kids are 2 years apart, and I think it is great. Good Luck and I hope things work out for you.

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 03:24 pm:

Sounds to me like he is supportive in every other way. Maybe he just can't stand to see you in pain and (I have heard/read of this) may feel guilty because you wouldn't be having that pain if it weren't for him. Why not give him a pass?

Unless, can you articulate why you want him there? Is there anything he can do for you that no one else can provide? Maybe if you can convince him that he has a special supportive role (not just moral support), he might see it differently. I suspect some men just feel really helpless in a situation where everything that is going on is being done by other people and all they can do is stand there and wait - and feeling helpless is not a good thing for anyone, especially men.

By Palmbchprincess on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 03:44 pm:

I agree with Ginny, some men cannot stand the thought of their wife in pain, especially when they cannot help her. Perhaps you can have a friend there or, a relative?? It wasn't too long ago men couldn't go in anyway, so it's not too unusual. Best of luck, and WELCOME!!!

By Emily7 on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 05:26 pm:

I also would not push him on this issue. I think that Ginny is also right.

By Dana on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 05:40 pm:

I'd let him have his way on this. You just never know what makes a person tick, and something like a delivery is a very touchy issue. Maybe a compromise of please stay with me while I need company and support and when the real labor starts you can take a leave. Perhaps another member of your family can be your support person during delivery. Plus, I personally, would be so occupied with how uncomfortable my DH is that I would have a difficult time focusing on my own needs when I need it most.

Good luck w/ your birth! Sounds like you have a wonderful man who loves being a father.

By Truestori on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 05:50 pm:

Ok, I will be the odd man out here! If he was in the delivery room for the first child I think he can handle being in there again. JMHO

This is the birth of his son and the experience is a once in a lifetime thing. Each delivery is so different. Did he cut the cord with the last one? Did he watch the baby come out and hear its first sounds? Did he count each and every toe? I guess everyone is different but to miss the birth of your own child seems unreal to me. I'm off my soapbox. LOL

By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 06:19 pm:

I agree, Stori...I would be devasted to know that my father didn't want to be in the delivery room when I was born.
There are many sacrifices that parents make and that's one of the first ones!!!

By Vdubprincess on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 06:24 pm:

Ha! Truestori, i agree with you! which is why i posted.

I needed to hear other people say let him sit this one out! Thanks everyone.

I had an episiotomy, my midwife said he about passed out!

I would love to know why, i know he wont say because he doesn't want me to get mad. I will try promising not to feel hurt of mad if he just tells me.

Thank you so much everyone. I guess I should feel blessed that I have so many people who are jumping at the chance of being there. I am glad you raised that point I think i am being a bit selfish.

I kinda feel that since I went thru all the trouble of being pregnant and the labor he can endure some pain. I mean ****! edited by Moderator. Please read the posting guidelines regarding the use of profanity. why do men get it so easy!! Ha

I am going to talk to him about it more and if he really doesn't want to be there I will let him be out.

it just dawned on me. I am almost sure he wont be able to stay away too long. I will just let him be out and i can amost bet he'll come running in at the sound of his baby boy crying!!

Once again, thank you so much for all your comments they realy help. I am new to this board. I am glad i joined, it will be very helpful in being a mother and a wife.

By Boxzgrl on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 06:34 pm:

I don't think your being selfish, I think your being reasonable. If my DH didn't want to be in there and refused, I'd promise him that was the last of his children i'd give birth to. It's teamwork, that's how its done. He may not be in pain and pushing but he should be there for moral support, you ARE his wife. "Through thick and thin"... and this is one of the "thinner" parts of it.
Personally, my DH could never fathom the idea of a father NOT wanting to be there since he HAD to miss our DD's birth due to being in Iraq. That hurt him more than anything and he doesn't see how a person can voluntarily take a "pass".

I'm off my soapbox now!

Who knows these days? All men are different but i'll tell you one thing, there is NO man getting ME pregnant and then having the nerve to tell me he won't help me through the rough labor and delivery.

But, Good luck to You!

By Karen~moderator on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 07:25 pm:

Years ago it was unheard of for men to go in the delivery room when their wives delivered. Now that it's considered *the norm*, I think it poses problems for many couples.

My X is very squeamish about needles and medical stuff in general. He absolutely did not want to go in with me. I didn't insist - I don't think anyone has the right to *insist* that another person do that if they don't want to - but I did make it known how much it would mean to me. He went in but stayed by my head and didn't see anything. They also had a chair for him to sit in, in case he felt faint. And one of the nurses told him, in a half joking sort of way, if he was going to pass out, to do it behind me so he wouldn't be in THEIR way while the baby was being delivered. LOL

Many men are squeamish about that kind of stuff and just won't admit it. They think it makes them less *manly*. And as was stated above, many men don't want to see their wives in pain, and as much as women don't like to hear this, many men don't like to see that part of a woman's body with a child emerging from it, and it's a fact that some of them view their wives differently afterwards. I'm not saying it's right, but that's the way it is.

So, if you have told him how much it would mean to you and he still doesn't want to go there, then I would respect his decision. I'm of the opinion that forcing the issue could cause more problems than his not being in there in the first place.

By Breann on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 08:09 pm:

Well, I'm an odd one out too I guess I think he should be tough and be in there with you. It's just as much his baby as it is yours and you deserve his love and support during this extremely important time.

If he made it through the first one, he can make it through this one.

By Imamommyx4 on Thursday, January 6, 2005 - 12:15 am:

DH was in the delivery room with me and was all over the room. He nearly scared me to death at one point though. When the baby was crowning he was standing in the southern region and let out a very startled, "OH MAN!". I wasn't sure what to think for a minute.

Ask him some questions surrounding some of the comments above. Would he prefer to stay totally at the head of the bed? Does it make him sick? Tell the dr to not ask him to cut the cord. Does it bother him to see you in pain? Does HE need the epidural for the delivery? Does he need to be seated beside you during the delivery? Maybe he watched too many 50's sitcoms and just believes the man should be in the waiting room. If he can give you any kind of answers, there may some solution other than him being in another room. I know it would hurt my feelings but he might just need to be somewhere else. Good luck though.

By Feona on Thursday, January 6, 2005 - 06:15 am:

Can he at least stand at your head and give you moral support. I liked the moral support. I wouldn't have liked to be left with all strangers eagle spread.

By Lauram on Friday, January 7, 2005 - 10:42 am:

I would let him choose. I don't think I could handle being in the delivery room if I weren't the patient. I also didn't want dh there unless he could "be strong". JMHO

By Conni on Friday, January 7, 2005 - 11:59 am:

Heres my honest opinion. I think if he doesnt want to be there he shouldnt have to be. My ex husband was in with me and was worthless. My 2nd dh was in with me and again worthless. If I could do my births overs again I would SOOO ask my Mommy to be with me. lol Or my sister. And I probably would have hired a Doula as well.

If it werent for the anesthesiologist during the emergency c-sect I would have lost focus on my breathing, paniced and hyperventilated. I was terrified and stared up into his eyes the entire time as he softly spoke to me what I needed to do and gave me some 'attagirls' that I needed to hear... Dh was about to faint the enitire time.

You never know what is going to take place in a delivery room and you need to choose someone to be with you that you can count on if it gets hairy during the delivery.

By Cat on Friday, January 7, 2005 - 12:11 pm:

Welcome, Sarah! I also don't think your dh should be forced to be in the room. Hopefully you can talk to him and find out what the real reason behind his reluctance is. My dh was there for both our kids births. Not that he was much help! lol But he doesn't get squimish (he had to set through an autopsy when training for his job). My dad got to be there for my birth (1971), but not either of my older brothers (1966 & 1969). I remember him saying the only part that *really* got to him was when the doctor cut the cord. He said he got a little weak in the knees! lol Heck, I had an ER tech have to get me a chair while cleaning out my youngest ds's cut above his eye a few years ago! He said he didn't want to have to stitch me up, too. *blush* I always tell my daycare kids, "Miss Cathy doesn't do blood well". Good luck with your conversation with your husband. I hope you get it worked out.

By Kate on Friday, January 7, 2005 - 01:11 pm:

I'd sure make him stay with you! As others have said, he can stand or sit at your head, he doesn't have to 'watch'. He should be there for many reasons! First of all, YOU will be 'busy' and you'll need him to watch out for you and to be your advocate. He needs to watch that they treat your baby properly and that your baby gets tagged immediately and correctly. And you need his emotional support! If he can't do any of those things I'd be very upset with him and I would not get over it easily. It would be a horrible beginning to the birth of this child and this second parenthood if it were me. He did it with the first, as was correct. He needs to do it again. No, you are not overreacting. I would NOT give him a 'pass'. Good luck!

By Pixie on Friday, January 7, 2005 - 01:55 pm:

Ok maybe I'm a little harsh this isn't something YOU should have to budge on this is something he should budge on. You carry and deliver this baby but both of you are having a child. Ok so he doesn't like to see you in pain, well its not a basket of roses for you either. He doesn't like the "view" well stay up by your head again none of its roses for you and I think its he that is being selfish not you. If he feels like hes going to pass out tell him to sit down, but if he got through before he'll live through it again. I puke and feel pretty nasty in labor but I still have to do it.

Its a state of mind. My DH said he would come in but would probably make him sick. He went on to even cut the cord (shocked himself), he just changed something within himself to get through it (Love conquers all??)

I do appologize as I have no patience for letting men get away with being babies. Alot does have to do with generations but I'm living in the twenty-first century and here men and women are equal. My job is as hard as his.

It is teamwork - I agree with Boxzgrl - No man is getting me pregnant and not coming in the delivery room.

I realize there are some exceptions but for me it has to would have to be MAJOR. As I said before, this is his second time around he'll live.

Big Hugs to you!! I hope this all works out for you well being. If its something that really bothers you be firm about it I know I would.

By Tink on Friday, January 7, 2005 - 03:30 pm:

I really agree with Pixie here. If he did it once and managed, he can do it again. I'm really sorry if it makes him uncomfortable but pregnancy and labor are no walk in the park and you've managed. My dh wasn't comfortable with cutting the cord so he didn't and I didn't know how much help he would be with our first birth so I asked my mom to be there also. He was wonderful and went through an emergency c-section and two more c-sections amazingly! I think your dh will really regret it if he doesn't do this. I know mine would.

By Annie2 on Friday, January 7, 2005 - 08:21 pm:

I thought about this question for a day or two. I thought about it from your angle. No one can answer for you or dh. So I thought about what I would do.
I would tell my dh "Too bad, you would rather not be in the room. This isn't about YOU, it's about OUR baby and my life. You were there at the pleasure part now you must be there at the painful part (my painful part, I might add) to witness OUR miracle and to help me if something should go wrong. Period."

We have had four babies. DH was in the room for all four. I would have rathered not have been in two of the delivery rooms, myself. I don't have a choice as a mother, as a PARENT, my dh doesn't get to decide either. JMO

I hope you and dh come to a mutual agreeable decision.

By Vicki on Friday, January 7, 2005 - 08:37 pm:

Well, add me to the list of those that think he should be in there. If needles and all of that stuff make him nervous, he can look away! If it is watching the actual birth, he can stay by your head and look at you. He can be in the room with you for moral support and not watch a darn thing going on. Honestly, I don't see any reason that he can't be there. JMHO