My husband and I are having problems.

About sex....
Even though you love your s/o, do you need to feel a closeness or emotional bond with your s/o to make love? Can you make love w/o that bond?

My husband does not understand that I do need this to make love. I always seem to feel like he's having sex to fulfil his needs. (and yes only his needs get satisfied) I want it when I feel the closeness and to express to him the love/closeness I feel for him.(even if only his needs get met) I can't get into the mood at all when we aren't connecting. He does not understand this.

One example: dh was overseas during the war. He was gone and we missed each other terribly. When he returned, It took me quite a few days to feel "comfortable" and "connected" with him to make love.

Also, dh is complaining about my display of affection to him. I have a hard time showing affection when his affection and actions towards me are ones that he could be giving his mother. So that's how I feel... like his mother. I already have children. I don't need one more.. Very hard to be intimate like that.

Is this a problem I have or is this how a lot of women feel to about it? If there are men on the board, I'd like to hear your opinions too.

By Jelygu on Monday, January 3, 2005 - 09:21 am:

I have found in my experience that sometimes, when my husband is in the mood and I just don't feel that "bond" you are referring to, that I just make love anyways and sometime during i feel the bond again.
It is so hard to feel connected all the time because of how hectic and frantic life can be. Do you have and time that you could set aside to be time for just the two of you? Maybe that would help you feel the connection again.
Good luck, I hope everything works out ok.

By Conni on Monday, January 3, 2005 - 09:42 am:

Oh I dont think you are the only female that feels this way anon. I personally coudlnt care less about sex anymore.
Good luck! I hope you get the advice you need and your dh becomes more understanding of YOU and your needs...

By Cat on Monday, January 3, 2005 - 12:35 pm:

I don't think you're strange at all. It's hard when the only time your spouse cuddles or show affection is when they want something, but I think it's very common, especially for me, to be that way. My dh is. He'll tolerate me sitting on the couch next to him or putting my feet on him, but if I do anything more he thinks he's gettin' some! lol What would happen if you tried some romance? Like candles lit in the bedroom or put the kids to bed early (or send them out if they're older!) and had a nice romantic dinner? Would that help him be more open or "touchy/feely"? Can you talk to him? I think you'll both have to give a little. He needs to act less like a child and more like a husband, but I think (jmho, please don't take offence) you need to give a little, too. Sometimes, like Jelygu said, just going ahead and doing "it" can help you get that bond back. Honestly, I'm kinda like Conni. I can take sex or leave it. My dh doesn't initiate sex anymore because for the longest time I didn't want anything to do with it. My problem was I was WAY to tired to do anything but sleep in bed. Now that our kids are a bit older and more independent (and dh helps out more at home!) I have more energy, but we have to wait until they're asleep! lol We're going to need to have a talk soon so I don't have to be the one to initiate all the time. Not that it's that often anyway, but still. Anyway, I hope you can get something worked out. I know you're going through a hard time right now (I'm guessing you're the same anon on the prayer board???). Big hugs. I'm sure some others will pipe in with their words of wisdom.

By Palmbchprincess on Monday, January 3, 2005 - 03:17 pm:

This is a common problem we discuss every few weeks or so. My kids are 2.5, so that puts a strain on intimacy. I have no solution, just letting you know you aren't alone. I'm beginning to think this is just the age-old difference between men and women!

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, January 4, 2005 - 01:01 am:

I agree with Crys.. But it can cause major issues if you let it because you build up resentments. You need to figure out what makes you tick sexually and talk to your DH. Not argue it.. Sit down to a nice dinner and tell him what you want how you want it to be and when. Tell him the things you like. Don't tell him the things you don't (guys think they are doing just fine and get upset if they are told they aren't). If you use a nice tone of voice (non attack) and you tell him this has been waying on you and that you want to tell him about you he will be more likely to respond. Lovers aren't born they are made... I am sure you are aware that sex isn't like it is in the movies. Often is all about them but we can choose to make it about us. Because the thing is, IF he knows he will get some he will swing from a curtain and do the tarzan call if that is what will turn you on....... Men don't like to think that they aren't good at of all things sex... Think things through and talk to your DH... Don't say you don't do this, say I like it like this, or I would like to try this first.. See if he will compromise on a few back rubs or a late night movie on the couch every now and then.. But like I said try saying, I would, I feel. If you say you this and you that you will get no where.....

Best of luck... And you are not alone...

By Feonad on Tuesday, January 4, 2005 - 07:16 am:

I think you also have it a bit more rough since he was away for a long time.

There has got to be negative subconscious stuff going on about that. Also you need to get into the ebb and flow of daily life together.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 4, 2005 - 07:45 am:

Thank you for your responses.

To address a few points:

Dh is not romantic. I've talked to him many times and he just can't try to be romantic. When I try to do things, The many times I've tried doing romantic stuff, it just hasn't worked. I guess if you saw his father and family you could understand.

Making love anyways...I've done that in the past. But what does one do when it involves no foreplay, no cuddling, just 2 minutes and its over??

I have sat down with dh and told him what I want. What I liked to have him try with me. But he seems to forget and he does the same thing he does every time he wants sex. That one thing turns me off instantly. He has a pattern that is very hard to break.

So yes, I am very frustrated and even angry.
In my life, for once I'd like to have earth shattering sex. I'd like to find out what an orgasm is. I'd like to feel that we are making love rather than him getting off.

By Palmbchprincess on Tuesday, January 4, 2005 - 09:34 am:

I've been in that situation.. he forgets and there is the same routine every time. It got to a point where when he kissed my neck a certain way I would immediately get defensive because I *knew* what he was after. But your DH needs to get the message: Routine= no nookie. Any man can get that, it just takes a little "training". You deserve good sex, just as much as he does.

By Kaye on Tuesday, January 4, 2005 - 10:23 am:

Maybe it is time to take things into your own hands! You could try being a lot more aggresive. Tie him up, make him wait. Tell him you want mind shatter sex, even if that takes all night. And then direct him in what needs done. This certainly won't work everytime, but even just once might be all it takes to get things started. It would become something to talk about or reference to. Oh I really liked when you did ....

Sex is not very important to a marriage, until things aren't good and then it seems that marriage is all about sex. But things aren't going to get better until you can be firm and stand your ground.

If you are having trouble getting in the mood. Then you need to start while he is not home. Spend some time thinking about making love to your hubby, put on sexy panties, dress up etc. Try to get back in the zone where you once were with him. This is hard with kids, but you need to put your marriage first some days. Pop them in front a movie. Fix them a seperate dinner. Eat away from them with candles, etc. Set up food in your bedroom. That bond is often about atmosphere. You have to realize that he doesn't need it and you do, so you have to do that for yourself. Yes it would be nice if it came from him, but work on one thing at a time.

Another thing that I have heard about is mutually agreeing not to have sex for a certain amount of time. I think there is a whole book on this. But basically having "homework" each night that involves cuddling, foreplay, but NO sex. So that by time you do have sex you are both really ready.

By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 4, 2005 - 01:28 pm:

Last night PRIME example. DH is laying with his BACK TO ME, and says I sure wish you liked having sex, I say why he says because I can't sleep! And he wonders why - boy that was so romantic it just made me want tear away my flannel pants (NOT!) Seriously I could not sleep either had he rolled over cuddled with me made some sort of approach not just blurt it out like hey lets do it - I might have seriously felt like it. But I'm telling you they just don't get it.

Well I hope I don't sound cliche but "Men are From Mars Women are From Venus" - it may not be the answer to your problems but it helps more with an overall understanding of women vs. men. We are cerainly two different species. It really can help you better communicate, the only problem there is you will read it and he will not, thus having to explain it to him (what he can do) Because sorry guys if I'm being a little feminist here but we are the glue. We bind us and keep us going because IMO we are worried about the big picture and not just our own self needs. And for the record I do know there are some men out there who are very romantic, caring, giving and unselfish. I just don't know any of them LOL!!!

By Truestori on Tuesday, January 4, 2005 - 08:22 pm:

According to my husband.......men don't care about the house or dinner on the table as long as you give it up when they want it! LOL

So my house is a pigstye, we always eat out and my man loves me more than ever...JUST KIDDING

MEN>>>UUGGHHH ~

By Missmudd on Tuesday, January 4, 2005 - 10:11 pm:

The problem in a nutshell IMO

Women are sensual, they want to be touched all the time, not just sexually. They want sex to be all about love. Sex=love.

Men are sexual, they want to be touched all the time sexually. They want sex. And love. But the one doesnt necessary have much to do w/ the other.

Now the biggie, what the heck do you do?

By Juli4 on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 02:48 pm:

I would say that the problem is not in the sex life although it probably manifests itself more in that area. I would focus on the relationship and communication and when that improves then sex kinda fixes itself as far as being giving and understanding. Also sometimes sex is not passionate or a love making expereince. IT is ok to satisfy him and not be in the mood and vice versa. There are many relationship books that really help. You can't control what anyone else does but you can control how you react and what you do. I am sorry that you are going through this. I know that it is hurtful and frustrating for you and hope that can work things out.

By Rachela2 on Wednesday, January 5, 2005 - 05:00 pm:

Sorry to just jump into the conversation (new to momsview), but could so relate to what you are going through.I don't know a solution for you, but my husband is military too and after long deployments I had the same problem with reconnecting. He expected since we were apart for a long time, I should jump him on the runway or something. I always dreaded the first few days that he got home becuase they never lived up to the expectations in his head.

I have real problems with sex these days too. I feel so torn in 50 directions with two children under 5 that it just seems like another obligation. Luckily DH and I have talked about it and he is better understanding my lack of desire and trying to make it more entising, and I am trying to understand he has needs too, even if I'm not interested. We've been together for ten years and all I can say is it takes work and you just need to keep your lines of communication open and keep talking about it until you reach common ground. Good luck to you.