Like it was before**
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive January-June 2003:
Like it was before**
I am going to try and make this long story short, but include important details 
I am a single 23 year old mother of my 3 year old daughter Kylee, her father has been absent since the beginning, mostly his choice. I bought a house and accumulated a lot of bills, while I was working at a good paying job, well about a year into my house, I lost my job(my choice), I had another job lined up.. that fell through, so I applied for several other equal or close to paying jobs, I was limited to jobs that I could apply for because of the bills I had, one thing after another fell through with jobs, the state put freezes on positions I had applied for etc., and so on and so forth, I had excellent credit and soon my credit began to weaken, I was collecting unemployment but it wasn't even enough to make my house payment. I stayed on UE for almost 9 months, so my credit was pretty much shot, during this time I was dealing with financial matters and stress that was unbelievable, and with being a single mother I didn't want my daughter to be subjected to the things that were going on and how it was affecting me (kids sense those kind of things), I was so stressed out with everything that I could not be the mother that ahe had known me to be for the almost 3 years of her life her and I had been on our own. My parents, who live in the same city as I, offered to keep my daughter until things started to get better which was in February (she begain staying with them), she is still there now, however, I started a job in October and am looking forward to getting things caught up, more importantly, I am looking forward to my sweet baby girl to come back home, well lots of things have happened in this time period. I seen my daughter at least 3 times a week for about 3 hours a night (which was not nearly enough) during this horrible period of life, and occasionally overnight, but when she would stay overnight and went back to my parents house, they would say she wouldn't sleep very well and was clingy and crabby, so they suggested that I visit her at their house for awhile, so I did, cause my whole reason for the distance between my daughter and I was in hopes that she would be affected by things as little as possible, so naturally, I did what I thought would make her more comfortable, and visited her at my parents house. Prior to her occasionally staying at my house my parents took her bed from her room at my house, and put it in her room at their house to make it feel more like home to her, but then she questioned while she was at my house why she didn't have a bed, I tried to explained to her, but I am almost positive things were unclear to her at 3 years old. Also I forgot to mention, I signed a legal document that I gave my mom for equal custody to myself, that if she were not in my care she was to be in my mother's, for no other reason, but medical and emergency purposes and to protect her from Kylee's father, he tends to be very unpredictable.
Soon, my daughter started calling my mom, "Ma Ma" on occasion,(Kylee's, grandma) whom she use to refer to as "her nammy" this bothered me but she had nevered called me "ma ma", it was always mommy or mom, and still does call me mommy or mom, but this bothered me a little so I tried to talk to her, she knows that I am her mother and that I love her, she always asked me to come to my house, she now refers to "home" as my parents house which is understandable, it has been consistent for her. At this point, now with a job again I just want to get things cleared up as quick as possible, so rather than paying out all my money to try and catch up all the delenquencies of everything and the stress that goes along with it, I have decided to sell my house and try and make a profit cause of the recent market status, and with that pay everything off, and start over, now for where we will live, and to add to the story, I have been seeing a guy for about 11 months and he bought a house in May, he has a 5 year old son, who Kylee has played with and knows who he is, as well as Kevin (my boyfriend) kids get along as well as to be expected for a 3 year old and a 5 year old, Kevin and I made a decision to combine our expenses and live together which gives me the opportunity to have extra and less stress, but I am trying to muli-task here, first and foremost I want to re-build MY relationship with my daughter, I know I was a great mother and I want to be again! When I first decided to let my daughter stay with my parents so she could have the time, attention, and things she deserved as she was use to, it seemed like a good idea, I am concerned now about "our mother and daughter relationship", and I love my daughter and want things to be the way they were and I am not sure the proper approach on how to transition her, especially to a new living area (Kevin's house, where we will now be living) All I want is for my baby to be home with me, and I can't express how sad this is making me, I bawl as I write this, and I want her to be comfortable and reassured and not confuse her, please help me with your opinions, good and bad, and your feelings in this matter. I am desperate. I have found moms view in my desperate search for books on how to re-build my relationship with my daughter and am writing to you in my witts end. Much love and Happy Holidays!!
first big huggles to ya ... its been a hard road for ya and i pat ya on the back for lookin after ur daughter first ... second start letting her spend the weekends with ya ... might be nice if the boys are able to take a small vacation ( i know sounds selfish to ask them to leave ) but u and her need the time to get reacqainted and be alone in the new place ... then have her help u set up her area ..bed room or place she will sleep and decorate it ... if nothing else with pics of u and her and such ... have her help u make dinner get to know her again ... she has grown some so give her time to talk and verbalize her opinions and listen to the words she not saying ... then have dinner with her on wednesday and then again on friday this time have everyone there and make it a family night ... and all have fun togeteher ... then make sure this weekend u set time aside for her always ... have her help made pancakes or ask what she would like to help make for breakfast ... make sure she feels welcome by the man in ur life and accepted as u said kids and read adults better than we think ... start a routine for her at ur house ... when u get up when u eat ... when u go to bed bath the whole thing so she knows what to expect from u and such even ask ur mom what her reg routine and sorta go with that ...later on adjust it if it dont work for ya but will make it easier for her move back into ur world ... its nice u ahve a mom that will help u thru tuff times ... remember we all have been challenged like this the lesson is that we learn from it. kids are resiliant and she will bounce back ... i believe in routines to give security and security is what gives them confidence at a yound age ... then the next week ...id keep her from this point on and reverse the visitation so she still has grammy in her life ... so she is secure that grammy still loves her and hasnt left her as sometimes that how kids precieve trasisitions like this ... give her time ... and listen to what she is sayin verbally and with her body language and she will tell u what she needs ... good luck to ya and it will work out for ya
Wow this is a hard one, the only thing I would say is just be sure that you are moving in with the boyfriend for the right reasons, if it is jsut b/c you think it will make things financially easier I'm not sure that is good enough. I don't think it is wrong to live together before marriage ( I lived with my Dh first) but if Dh and I broke up and I had a new partner I would not live with them b/c of my dd. It just is a mess for the kids a lot of times.
As for the transition just take it slow, do you think your parents will help in this transition or do they want to keep her?
I would *introudce* her to the new relationship (Kevin) and the new house slowly. If not she will be a basket case...being tossed into a *whole new life with different people*etc.
Like Julez said, she was perfect on wording everything out.
I would as I said introduce her slowly to your new home and family, then maybe have her to help you decorate her room, after she gets used to seeing this new home and Kevin too, ask her maybe about staying with Mommy and Kevin now, and moving her bed to her own room, in your new house.
I would take her to your new home when you go to get her like on Wed, and Fri. and spend some time with her in the new home as well.
Then as she gets more situated and comfy with the new Kevin, and boys and home then I would place her with you.
It may take a few months, or it may take a few weeks, but I think she will adjust perfectly.
Now................restoring your relationship with her....money is tight I know, how about renting a movie, and taking her to watch it (just you and her) at your new home, or like Jewlz said how about letting her help you cook dinner.
A childs bond happens quickly in most cases.
The more time you spend with her, cuddling, reading, singing, anything will make the 2 of you much more closer. It takes time, but you are "MOMMY" something she will never forget!
So I applaud you for coming here to ask something as this.....and for taking the steps to restore your life and your baby girl's.
hugs to you both, I hope I have maybe helped you in some sense here.
Financially is just one of the reasons we are moving in together, I love him and his son, he has been very supportive of me through all of this, and his son is great, he is pretty attached to me also, his mom is in the military and lives out of state, he sees her maybe once a year now since she left...Kevin works nights and doesn't get home until about 3:30am and goes to work about 7pm I work 8:30-5:30, so I will keep his son (Preston) with me at nights along with Kylee, during the day his son goes to school, and Kylee goes to Preschool, which I will not take her out of, she has been there for over 2 years. Kevin and I planned to do something fun with all of us, this Sunday, but with our schedule differences having that transition with him involved will be trying as well, btu moving in together will also help speed up the process of getting her home, it was so hard going through all of this and being a single mom, now getting her back seems so much harder and it is making me question whether or not I made the right decision, but in the back of my mind I know that I had the right intentions, so I know I did it out of love, she was so little that she couldn't understand about life, and was being affected by it in the beginning and the more she was affected the more clingy she became, and the more stressed I got, when I realized she needed more than I could give her (which makes me feel horrible and dissapointed in myself) that maybe I could do something better for her for the time being. My parents want her to come back home also, they make things difficult for me at times and haven't given me much help in life, but I thank and appreciate what they are doing oit of love for Kylee, they just want what I want I think her not be a basket case, during transition, cause that wouldn't be any easier on her than her staying with me through all my stress. She says she wants to come home with me, and she has always loved my bed, (she use to sleep with me also) so I told her she was going to get mommies big bed to have in her room when we go live with Kevin and Preston, she sounds excited but she doesn't elaborate, and when I try and talk to her I always end of crying which isn't good, and I just tell her how much I love her and want her to come home, I told her after x-mas she will come back home (Kevin and Preston's house)I plan to spend the x-mas week at my parents house, and spend it there with them mostly to not change things thru the holiday for her and the closing of my house will be on 12/27/02 so I don't plan to decorate that much if at all,if you know what I mean. It bothers me when I leave she doesn't really care or I don't think she does, she xoxoxo me and tells me she loves me and we play our little games on the window (me on the outside, her on the inside)but when I use to leave her there for a hour or so, she always cried (I hated it,but I knew she wanted to be with me) now, it's seems to be no big deal. Kevin thinks Kylee is great, he is a great father as well,they play, but I am leary about any man, the only man she has really known is my step-dad her grampa (my mom's husband) and with any combined household, we may have different parenting strategies and ways, I don't know if we should transition and combine, (for the kids sake) to avoid confusion or what? What do you think, can any of you relate? By the way,thank you to all of you, this means so much, I am glad I found you
first of ur gut instincts are what u should follow with her being important to u and being put first and u workin on ur relationship i dont think ull ever go wrong... sounds like u put alot of thought into this already just need the support... and were for ya ... it wont be easy and she will try ur patience to see if u listenin to ya and to see if u are going to be consistent thats just kids ... just be the mom u use to be and hold her huggle her and do things to gether ... dont look back on this past year as a year of seperation and regret .... learn from it and speak positive thoughts about it ... as she now has security that no one can take from her ...her gettin to u as her mom and now her grandparents ...if some kids are to be so lucky to have so many care for them there would be less trouble in the world ... she will always have a special name for grammy and a name for u ... grammy never replaced ur just played the role model she needed for a small part of her life ... kids always need this and she and u are lucky she had a good one to relate to give it time and learn her ways again ...both of u will have fun during this time ... and remember she get jealous for a bit with the boy ... its natural ... but always have time for her alone ... and time for them together with u so she sees u accepeting him and treatin him the same in all ways .... remember a breakfast with the new fellow or just sometime colorin is all it takes to get to know a kid on thier level dont have to be a big dramatic all day event ... pushin them in the swing ... will if its not to cold there lol dont know where u are living .... but i think u get the idea ... huggles to ya remember to be urself ... thats what she will relate to
Krystal, You are on the right track.
You are looking out for your baby girl I can't blame you at all for leaving her with your Parents at least she didn't have to wade through the hard times with you, and face the stress you have went through....(got me crying reading your second post)
Here Jewlez goes again,,,,shes good LOL!!
Yeap if I were you.......always go with your gut instinct. What do you think?
You think she should come home?
You think that maybe she might get confused?
You think she will adjust quickly?
If she says she is ready to come home, take her home.
There will (of course) be quite a few adjustments and buttons she will push on you....but I think she will do OK....plus she already knows Preston..thats a + in your hands there...and Kevin (?)
Changing the rules....is that what you are talking about? 2nd post...if so, tell her you can do *so and so* at Grandmas but you can't do it here( of course when she does something that she isn't sopposed to do) plus you and Kevin sit down and talk through what your expectations and his are of what you are ok with the kids doing and not adn vice versa..(make your relatioship better too,,less arguments over the kids)...you might get some tantrums thrown, etc. but eventually she will understand. Jusr reassure her, and let her know what she can and cannot do and get by with it at your house.
For her sake and yours, I'd go ahead and take her home with you.
BUT!! Seems to me you might be a little worried with Kevin being around?......I totally understand you being leery of any man..... And she not knowing any other man around other than Grandpa...( that will come with trust with you for Kevin) she will adjust..kids mold easily! LOl
Family day Sun. if your schedules still hold out, would I think be great for you all to get together and be together, and let her see the adjustment forming.
I sure hope I am making sense here....LOL!!
If you want you can email me. Click on my name..I should have it in there.
Stick around, you will really like it here. It's a nice place to be, with Moms of all sorts of different advice, and questions, and topics!!
Goodluck on whatever you decide! Keep us posted, (updated)
First off, Welcome to Momsview! Glad you found us.
I think all of the moms have given great advice and support. I'm not sure I have better advice than what was offered above!
I do know how hard it is to be a very very young mom though. I was 15 when I got pregnant and turned 16 there after. Everyday has been a struggle and a challenge! I really think you are making the right decisions for you and your daughter. Goodluck!
I truly believe you need to thank your mom and step father for doing a terrific job with you daughter. I know it hurts that your daughter doesn't seem un-happy when you leave, but that is a wonderful sign actually. It means you left her with people who love and cherish her as much as you!
Take care......
WELL FOR AN UPDATE:
WE ALL (KYLEE,PRESTON,KEVIN,AND MYSELF) WENT TO DISCOVRY ZONE ON SUNDAY (HUGE PLAYLAND)KYLEE WANTED TO STAY THE NIGHT BUT SHE DIDN'T CUZ IT WAS UNPLANNED AND MY MOM HAD DINNER PLANS THAT NIGHT WITH KYLEE AND SOME FRIENDS OUT OF TOWN, I TOLD HER SHE COULD STAY THE NIGHT AT THE "NEW HOUSE" WITH THE REST OF US ON TUESDAY SO THAT WHAT I PLAN TO DO TONIGHT, SHE HAD A LOT OF FUN ON SUNDAY AND SHE PASSED THAT ON TO MY MOM, BUT MY MOM THOUGHT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IF IT WERE JUST THE TWO OF US, I DON'T AGREE!! KEVIN AND I DECIDED THAT WE WOULD HAVE A "FAMILY" NIGHT ON SUNDAY'S TO START THE KIDS FRESH FOR THE UPCOMING WEEK. I PLAN TO HAVE HER HOME COMPLETELY BY 01/12/03 DEPENDING ON HOW TRANSITION GOES, I GUESS I WILL PLAY IT BY EAR....I ASKED HER IF SHE WANTED TO HELP MOMMY SET UP HER NEW BEDROOM AND SHE DOES, BUT NOW I HAVE A DILEMMA I AM HAVING THE HARDEST TIME TRYING TO FIND QUEEN SIZE SHEETS, COMFORTER AND STUFF FOR KIDS TO FIT HER NEW BED, ANY SUGGESTIONS???
I TRIED TO TALK TO KYLEE A LITTLE ABOUT COMING HOME TO LIVE AGAIN WITH ME AND WHAT SHE THOUGHT ABOUT LIVING WITH PRESTON AND KEVIN, SHE SAID SHE WANTS TO BUT DOESN'T SAY TOO MUCH, ALSO WHEN I TRY AND EXPLAIN THAT SHE WON'T LIVE WITH NAMMY AND UMPA (MY PARENTS, HER G&G) SHE GETS UPSET I TELL HER THAT SHE JUST WON'T LIVE THERE BUT SHE WILL SEE THEM ALL THE TIME. SHE SAID SHE WOULD MISS HER "CASSIE" WHICH IS HER DOG, ACTUALLY IT'S MY PARENTS DOG BUT CASSIE DEFINETELY IS HER, KYLEE CALLS HER CASSIES MAMA, THEY ARE LIKE TWO PEAS IN A POD...KEVIN AND PRESTON HAVE A DOG, BUT CASSIE HAS BEEN WITH KYLEE SINCE SHE WAS A PUPPY AND HAS GOT TO KNOW HER SO WELL THAT KYLEE CAN AND WILL PULL ON HER EYELIDS AND TOTALLY HARRASS HER WITH NO PROBLEMS (CASSIE HANDLES WELL) BUT KYLEE CAN'T DO THAT WITH A DOG THAT IS NOT FAMILIAR WITH HER IN THOSE WAYS, SHE LOVES CASSIE AND THAT APPARENTLY IS ANOTHER PROBLEM KYLEE IS HAVING....
THE NIGHTS THAT I DON'T GO TO VISIT KYLEE BUT I ALWAYS CALL TO TALK TO HER AND FIND OUT ABOUT HER DAY, SHE WON'T TALK TO ME ON THE PHONE, SHE THROWS A FIT AND SAYS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME, BUT WHEN MY BROTHER OR SOMEONE FROM OUT OF TOWN CALLS SHE WILL JIBBER JABBER FOR MINUTES I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME, KIND OF HURTS.
KEVIN AND KYLEE ARE CLEARLY GOING TO BE A GOOD TEAM, THEY ARE AWESOME TOGETHER. I AM NOT REALLY LEARY ABOUT KEVIN BEING IN THE PICTURE I AM MORE CONCERNED WITH POSSIBLY THE TWO OF US (KEVIN AND I) HAVING DIFFERENT PARENTING METHODS AT TIMES AND AM A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT IT CAUSING CONFLICT FOR EITHER THE KIDS AND/OR KEVIN AND I.
MY PARENTS AREN'T HAPPY WITH ME AND SOMETIMES I THINK THAT DON'T DON'T AGREE WITH THE DECISION I HAVE MADE, THEY ARE HAPPY TO HAVE HAD THIS TIME WITH KYLEE BUT SEEMS LIKE THEY HATE ME FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO DO THIS, OR TRYING TO DO SOMETHING BETTER, MY MOM WENT THRU HARD TIMES AND RAISED ME PRETTY MUCH ON HER OWN THRU SIMILIAR SCENARIOS THAT I HAVE CAME ACROSS, BUT SHE KEPT ME WITH HER AND I REMEMBER ALL KINDS OF BAD THINGS AND THINGS THAT AFFECTED ME DURING THIS TIME FOR MY MOM, (WHICH WAS ONE OF THE REASONS THAT I ALSO CHOSE TO HAVE KYLEE NOT BE EXPOSED)BUT AS MUCH AS I HAVE TRIED TO EXPLAIN THIS TO MY MOM, AND SEEMS LIKE NOTHING I SAY IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER, SHE SEEMS TO THINK THAT BCUZ SHE DID I SHOULD BE ABLE TO, I THINK SHE THINKS THAT THE CHOICE I MADE IS AFFECTING KYLEE MORE THAN IF I WERE TO KEEP HER THRU ALL OF THIS, ALTHOUGH I MAY DISAGREE CUZ I CAN RELATE, SO IT HAS DEFINETELY CAUSED SOMEWHAT OF A HARDSHIP BETWEEN ME AND MY MOM, SHE SAYS THINGS LIKE YOU USE TO BE A GREAT MOM, SEEMS LIKE SHE IS ALWAYS PUTTING ME DOWN, OR NEGATIVE THINGS AND THOUGHTS COME FROM HER, I HAVE TRIED TO TALK TO HER, AND WE DON'T REALLY GET ANYWHERE.
ALSO, ACCEPTANCE IS A HUGE PROBLEM WITH MY FAMILY IT SEEMS, AND ALTHOUGH I HAVE HAD SOME BAD RELATIONSHIPS, SEEMS LIKE NO ONE IS EVER GIVEN A FAIR CHANCE AND I REALLY LOVE KEVIN I AM OLDER NOW AND TEENAGE GIRLS ALWAYS SEEM TO DO SILLY THINGS OVER BOYS BUT I LOVE HIM, AND THIS ACCEPTANCE PROBLEM MAY MAKE THINGS DIFFICULT IF KYLEE PICKS UP OR SENSES THIS FROM MY PARENTS, THEY HAVE NEVER EVEN MET HIM, AND SEEMS LIKE THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING WRONG WITH SOMEBODY I AM INTERESTED IN OR WITH, THEY MAKE IT LIKE THEY ARE SO AND ALWAYS BEEN SO PERFECT WHICH I KNOW THAT IS NOT TRUE, THEY KNOW THAT HE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A DIVORCE WHERE WE MET, YEAH THERE ARE SEVERAL OPINIONS OF THAT, I MYSELF SAID I WOULD NEVER GET INVOLVED IN SOMETHING LIKE THAT BUT I DID AND NOT ONE SINGLE MINUTE HAVE I REGRETTED IT. HIS SOON TO BE EX-WIFE WAS AWARE OF OUR SITUATION WE DID NOT DECIEVE OR LIE TO ANYONE ABOUT IT, BUT I ALWAYS TRIED TO TALK TO MY MOM LIKE SHE WAS A FRIEND ALSO NOT JUST A MOM, SEEMS LIKE WHEN I WOULD TRY AND TALK TO HER, SHE THEN JUST FORMED AN OPINION AND REACTED JUST THAT WAY INSTEAD OF BEING A FRIEND AS GIVING ADVICE UNLESS IT WAS NEGATIVE OR NASTY....SHE HAS EVEN TOLD OTHERS MY BUSINESS, PEOPLE THAT DON'T REALLY NEED TO KNOW, OR SEEMS LIKE SHE MAY ELABORATE A LITTLE TOO MUCH, SO NOW SHE WONDERS WHY I DON'T TALK TO HER AND GETS MAD THAT SHE DOES'NT KNOW "ANYTHING GOING ON IN MY LIFE" WELL I EXPLAINED TO HER ALL SHE DOES WHEN I HAVE TRIED TO TALK TO HER FOR SOMETIMES NOTHING MORE THAN A SHOULDER TO LEAN ON IT LEADS TO HER FORMING AND TREATING ME WITH HER OPINION, I DON'T THINK IT IS FAIR AND IT HURTS ME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE.
I think you have to thank your parents for their help and take your DD back with you and that is that. I really just get a sense they want to keep her, you are her mom and if you are ready and able to parent her then you may have to set some real boundries with them about your daughter. Yes she needs to see them a lot especially at first but I would just watch out, I don't have a good feeling about their intentions ( I don't mean they are bad people or anything) I just think they have forgotten who is Kylee's mom. If you have never seen a counselor I think you should really consider that for a bunch of reasons but mainly to help you deal with the guilt you seem to have about leaving Kylee with your parents and also to have a professional to bounce things off of during this transition. If you get the right one they could see your dd or your whole blended family if need be. Your dd is going to have some abandonment issues at some point and counseling now may make all that less of a problem later.
I see where you are coming from with your Mom. She sounds just exactly like my Mom. She was the same way with any guy I dated when I was a teenager living at home. Nothing, nobody, was good enough for her. As a matter or fact, Dh and I met when I was 16, married when I was 17, it's been 9 years now, she finally accepted him (after proving himself all these years what a great Dad, and Husband he is, she finally accepted him 3 years ago!!)
Your Mom and Stepdad(?) or Dad needs to get used to the situation that you will be taking your baby girl back. She belongs with you now. YOu are the one who has fought, and paved roads in the good termms for her to be back with you, plus you are her Mother too.
YOur little girl sounds confused, upset. She can't quite understand *whats really going on* Don't get me wrong, I am not bashing you or anything at all, I am just explaining what I sense through your post on whats going on with her. She's so used to living with G&G now pretty soon, she will be taken away from what she is used to. Her dog, her bed, her G&G and her *home*. You will I am sure see a big difference in her at first, it might last a few months,or longer.
I would say let her call, or go see G&G quite often, then kinda wean her away, from ex.everyday, to 2x a week.
With your Mom, she's just going to have to face reality that you are a grown woman now, you are in a relationship now, you are ready to get on with your life, and start a whole new family, and you want your baby to be a part of it. She also needs to give Kevin a chance. He's sounds like a wonderful man. She will probably like him, if she would just sit down, and meet him, talk with him.
You will probably have to tell her this. Knowing she won't like what you have to say. But your Baby girl dosen't need to hear, sense, or see any negative feedback on Kevin. Grandma is a big part of her life right now, wether Grandma realizes it or not, she's your baby's role model. If Grandma dosen't like Kevin......should she? (What she would be thinking in her little mind) Your Mother needs to understand too, children this young, are very easy to mold, just a few times of hearing negative things on Kev could turn her against him.
Boy, I need to scroll up and remember your BG's name! LOL
Bed sheets: Queen size bed, I don't know if they even make bed sheets in kids styles that big, I am sure that they do, I don't recall ever seeing them though. Until you can find them, or something like a kiddie sheet, does she have a foavorite pillow, or blanket, doll or teddy bear she sleeps with? Kinda help make her feel more *comfy*
Thanks for the update.....I was wondering how things were going for all of you.
Keep us posted!! And best wishes!!
You got a lot of good advice from the ladies, but my only concern is what happens if your relationship with Kevin doesn't work, and you have to up root your dd again. This could be very damaging to her. I know you want her back with you, and she needs to be as soon as possible. I just think it would be better for you and her to be on your own, and let her get to know Kevin and give your self time to see how his parenting skills and ideas correlate with your. Be a step-parent is not easy, I've been there. Any way that's just my thoughts, just really consider everything carefully, and I know you will, you sound like a very caring Mother. God Bless you
It's almost midnight and I am drenched with tears, Kylee had asked earlier to stay at our new house with Preston, Kevin, and myself, she had a blast we put together the new bathrooms, and converted his stuff to things she was familiar with (shower curtains, dining room table, towels, we folded laundry together and such) I was planning to have her help with her bedroom on Thursday, she took a bath at her "new house" had a lot of fun, I put Preston to bed at 9 and Kylee and I snuggled until 10 when I turned off the TV and told her it was time to try and go to sleep, she started crying for her Nammy I asked her if mommy could hold her she let me then I asked her if she was ready to go and try and lay back down with mommy in bed, she said yes a few seconds later she began crying again, got out of bed wandering saying she needed her Nammy, she tried to go to the door and open it, I said Kylee come here and talk to mommy for a second, mommy is not going anywhere come lay down I will be right next to you, she ran from me, wanting her Nammy, crawled under the dining room table and wouldn't come to me, I was heartbroken, I began crying asking her questions but didn't know what to say, trying coax her to let me rock her or hold her...just then my mom called heard my voice and knew something was wrong, I asked Kylee if she wanted to talk to Nammy (thinking hearing her voice would be enough) my mom said goodnight to her and then talked to me asked me what I wanted her to do, I said I don't know, I don't know anything, she asked me if I wanted her to come get her....I said call back in 20 minutes, I talked to Kylee for a few but she never calmed down, when my mom called back I told her yes to come get her, I didn't want to force her to stay I already felt horrible enough, and now was upset...I asked Kylee if she wanted Nammy to come her, she said yes, Nammy I want to go back to your house now, I need you, meanwhile every ounce of my heart was tore up, so my mom was on her way, and when Kylee realized Nammy was coming to get her she then came to me, I asked her for some love bofore she went, she gave it to me, but she was looking in cabinets and doors the whole wait for my mom, I was talking to her a little bit and was telling Kylee how much I love her, and asked her if she was mad at mommy for something she said no, when my mom showed up Kylee went, and my mom said her and I would talk tomorrow, I told her she needs to start also talking to Kylee about this so she knows she supports it, even if she doesn't, my mom said she has, I said will do it better or more or something!!! I felt like my whole life just left me. I told my mom to call me when they got home, she did Kylee was going to eat a piece a toast and go to bed, I asked to talk to Kylee she got on the phone I told her I loved her to go to bed and mommy would talk to her tomorrow, I told her she was a good girl, and said thank you for spending time with mommy, I hope we can continue to do it, she said out of nowhere (which I wasn't crying when I said my goodnights to her, cause I wanted her to be peaceful as possible) I just wanted my Nammy mommy. That was it. Now I sit writing this to you feeling so lost without my baby girl, I miss her. So I called Kevin told him, and he said he would wake me when he got home so we could talk for a few minutes to try and go to sleep, that was an hour ago. Kevin has stated that he thinks they may not want her to come home, but he says, she will, whether they like it or not, this is her home and she needs to know it, they need to stop calling their house her home, and ephasize things to her, he said Krystal I am already not real fond of how they have treated you and how easily it is for them to form opinions of someone, they don't want me to go and speak to them, cause I am not going to have them tear up what we are trying to build, or have it affect his son, they both love her, he (Preston) said, "this is a dream come true just what I always wanted.... a kind of like a little sister" (yes in that form) So naturally Kev is concerned about all of us now, me, Kylee, and his own son...for the record though, I am not in the least little bit concerned on "what if" Kevin and I don't work, we will, we were meant to be together, and we both know it. He is my strength and back, he is keeping me strong through this, and sometimes I don't what I would do without him....and I am realizing that at this very moment as I sit alone, typing, needing his arms to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright....cause right now I don't feel like it is, I lost something tonight when she walked out the door, when she was suppose to be sleeping right next to me, looking beautiful as she is and my favorite time to watch her has always been when she is sleeping, which explains why I took so many pictures and have them at my desk, and now I can't wait to go to work tomorrow to see them.
(tears here too) (((((((((Krystal))))))))))
Man!! I know this has got to be tough on you.
I wish there was something that I could do. And I can't, but be here for you.
Kevin's right. They G&G should not be calling thier house Kylee's all the time, they need to lessen off just a little, let her know that yours and Kevins house is hers too....
I'm lost, dumbfounded.
All I know is that you are going to have a tough time with Kylee (yea!! I remembered her name)
Nammy is what she is used to, she is her security.
Kylee dosen't really understand yet what is going on. She's not really old enough to understand too much,,make it simple, and to the point. All I know to tell you, take it very slow, and easy with her. If you go too fast, she might back up on you, and not want to stay.
But really a lot of this must have got to be coming from G&G. Them 2 right now would be the only people that she will listen to and understand why this is all happening.
See if your Mom will tell her "Your Mommy wants you to go live with her and Kevin. And you get to play with Preston in your new house. Wouldn't that be fun?" "You can still come and see G&G anytime you want, you can always call too." This may take a while of her talking to Kylee. And then as she understands and gets used to the idea, have Nammy help Kylee pack her bags, let her bring stuff that she wants to bring, but leave a few things behind to keep at Nammy's. So it will always be there whenever she comes to visit.
So glad Kevin is there for you through all of this!!
I'm glad that you both know that you *were meant to be*......thats such a great feeling hu?
Don't beat yourself up over this. There is nothing you can really do right now, but be patient with her. Don't wait too long, to take her, but don't do it too soon either. Good Luck!!
Keep us posted please!
Krystal, I have been thinking hard about your post since I first read it and the followups, especially what happened when you brought Kylee home. Here is what I think.
First, I think both Kylee and your parents are manipulating you. And I think you need to tell your parents and Kylee that it must stop.
You are the parent and she is the child. So if she wants to cry, she can do that, but she is still going to stay at your house with you and is not going to stay with Nammy. You need to tell your mother that what you want her to do is to tell Kylee that she is going to live with her mother, and Nammy will visit. And tell your mother that if she does not cooperate and make sure that Kylee is persuaded to be happy about living with you, you will not allow Kylee to visit with her grandparents until she has become fully a part of the family you are building with Kevin.
She is three years old, for heaven's sake. Of course she wants what is most familiar for the past six months or so. Three year olds have short memories and don't like change - they want security and security is what is familiar. So you have a job ahead of you, but if you let her manipulate you now, with your parents assisting her, you may lose your daughter forever.
I know it is very hard to let a child cry, and to not give in when she sounds so heartbroken, but three year olds do that. And they get over it, especially when they find out it isn't working.
Just think what kind of a person she will be if she is allowed, at three, to choose who she will live with and is allowed to believe that crying will get her what she wants even if it is wrong. Your job as a parent is to parent, and sometimes that is tough. But that goes with the territory of parenting.
If, for example, she didn't want to have her tonsils out and the doctor said it was necessary or she would be very sick and could be harmed, would you let crying get her out of it? This is not surgery, but believe me, allowing her to choose her grandparents over her mother and to get away with that choice, and to let her learn that she can manipulate you with heart-breaking sobs and tears and tantrums, will harm her greatly.
I am speaking from the perspective of raising three young men to adulthood (as a single parent most of the time). I know what I am saying is hard, and doing it is very difficult. But I do firmly believe that you must do this if you intend Kylee to be your daughter, living in your house. Otherwise you risk becoming her older sister, another child of the people she will come to think of as her parents. And it sounds to me like your parents wouldn't mind that at all. Shame on your parents, because they know better. Kylee doesn't, but they do.
ive taken my time to post thin king about all that has happened in the last day or so .... thank ginny ... ditto and double ditto ... ur going to have to stand strong girl and show her the kind of person u want her to grow up to be strong and secure and able to make the decision and go for it ... good ones take the credit and bad ones take the blame ... act responsible and take control of this situation ... dont let her know she gets to ya... and yes she will many time thru this and in the future to believe me i have a 16 year old girl ... so she cries a bit..shell be ok ... and u know just let her hide on the table for a bit ... then go to her and ask i think ill be more comfy in the bed and go lay down ...she join ya in a bit ... give her time and it will all come around dont ask her what she would like and if she would to do that ...dont let her see u have regrets ... just hold ur head hi and thank grammy and grampa and say we will visit ya soon but for now me and my daughter have some bonding to do ... and do it .... take her fav blanket and her baby doll and make her comfy as u can ... and let her cry thro a fit but remeind her she is luvd by u totally
remember were for ya and all will work out ...huggles
I finally broke today at work, I talked to a girl who works with me, who from what I know and hear is an excellent mother, I told her things from A to Z and let her read my post and all of your responses, she agrees with all of you and thinks this website and the things you ladies do are great, I am glad to know I don't feel quite so alone anymore, and I was ashamed b4 to talk to anyone about it, cause of the way my parents have made me feel, but I think it's gonna be okay, hard but okay we'll see, we are having a christmas eve party at my work on the 24th where we can bring our kids all day, just found out from Teressa (girl I spoke to) so I think that will be fun for Kylee, so when I do leave her in the morning she will see where I am going and that I am coming home, I will keep all of you posted, and I wish I could each and every one of you a hug, thank you so very much. I will write again probably Thursday 12/12 after I go see Kylee. I need to also in the near future speak with my mom, cause the people that I have spoke to although feel like I should be very appreciative for what they are doing with Kylee, as I am so thankful, she is not being fair to me and not trying to make this very easy or help with trasition at all, and if it is Kylee she truly cares about then she will, accept and help things cause if not it is affecting Kylee. Thanks again, talk soon.
Hang in there, Krystal. You know we are here.
And, make sure Nammy gives you all of Kylee's security toys and things (except the dog, of course) and doesn't hold out some things so that you have to call her desperately for them. And if she doesn't and Kylee cries for something, you'll just have to say, "I guess Nammy forgot - we'll have to get it from her tomorrow. Bad Nammy!"
hi krystal ...been wondering how ur doing with the all that is going on ... hope christmas was good for u and ur goals of ur lil one living iwth u is working .... just remember one day at time ... it will all work out ..huggles
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