Single Father of 2 abusing Cocaine?? Butt out?
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Single Father of 2 abusing Cocaine?? Butt out?
Hi Everyone, I am new here, and I really need some advice.
My ex-brother-in-law is abusing cocaine again. He had recently quit back around Christmas because he got busted for possession. But now he has started again. He is a nice guy and I respect him a lot, we talk a lot and have a good friendship together. And he has raised my nephews (his 2 boys) all alone for most of the past 10 years. So I don't want to do something stupid like call child protective services, and take the kids away from the only parent they really know. Foster care wouldn't be a better place for them, in my opinion.
Those kids have already been through enough in their young lives. Their mother (my sister) abandoned all 5 of her kids due to her drinking and drugging problems as well. So it's a huge mess.
Anyway, the boys are 10 and 11 years old, so they aren't babies, and they are not in immediate danger, but I do know that when their daddy is doing cocaine, he will never buy them any food, that is a problem.
I have my own kids and I cannot raise the boys, one of them is 100% fully autistic and he requires a lot of work, more work and time that I am able to give right now, and the other boy is sweet, until you upset him, then he hits really bad, all the time he hits my kids, so that just isn't an option to have them here with us, and also I would NOT want to take them away from their father either.
I just need advice on whether I should just butt out, or confront him.
And if I do confront him, I don't think that will change his mind about abusing drugs, I think he will just deny it and keep doing it, he is in his 40's now and very independent. He goes to work everyday and works very hard and long hours.
He gets the kids all the best games out there, so they have the love of their games.
They live in a nice house and neighborhood. The house is very dirty, but it's in a nice area.
I just don't know what to do, I have my own problems going on at home as well, so my plate is full.
Any advice would be great, thanks.
I do think you have to confront him. And if he doesn't immediately start a rehab program, I think you have to report him. If he was arrested for possession, he is probably on some sort of probationary program, and if he is made to submit to a drug use test, he might wind up doing jail time if he comes up positive.
It sounds to me like both of these boys have serious problems, which may or may not be related to their father's drug use, but his habit certainly doesn't help. Anyone who has had to deal with autistic children knows this is, in itself, a full-time job, and the other boy's acting out can be related to neglect, or to a whole lot of other things. And knowing that when he is doing coke he is not buying food for the boys or preparing meals, you know that they are endangered.
Are there no other family members who would step up to the plate if a children's services program gets involved?
This is a tragic situation, and I think it will only get worse for these two boys if their dad doesn't get straight or some intervention happens. I think you are very brave to think of confronting your BIL - it must be very painful to watch this happening and knowing there isn't a whole lot you can do.
I almost think you are going to have to report him. Growing boys have to eat. Also, the anger management problems in the one boy, aren't going to get any better if no one is dealing with them. Plus the autistic boy probably needs lots of attention, too.
"Anyway, the boys are 10 and 11 years old, so they aren't babies, and they are not in immediate danger, but I do know that when their daddy is doing cocaine, he will never buy them any food, that is a problem."
They still are babies!!!! They do need someone to take care of them.They are not even getting the necessities in life.Having a nice house and all the video games is NOT a life.They need someone to speak up for them and give them a life.Foster care might be something that YOU don't want but what about the needs of your nephews.They deserve better it will be a vicious circle for them.Let them have some stability in their young lives.You know what you need to do.I'm sorry your dealing with this but I know you care or you wouldn't be here asking for advice.No one needs to know it was you who reported him,but you.The most important thing right now is the welfare of those 2 boys.Kudos to you for stepping up to the plate for them.
I say if you do not report him then you are no better than him in the sense that those kids are getting abused. Maybe not physical beatings but physical danger by not being fed and being dirty and by the anger issues of the oldest and what if he gets mad at his autistic brother and beats on him.
If you love those boys then call and turn him in it is the only right thing to do.
Good luck.
Thanks girls, you all are not making this any easier for me. :-) I really don't want to get the government involved in this family issue. I just really wish he would be there for his kids more. They have raised themselves all of their lives, they have been home alone, and taking care of themselves since they were very little. It's so sad. I know their daddy loves, them, but I think since their daddy came from such a screwed up home as a child, that he actually believes that he is doing good for his kids, since they do have a better life then he ever did growing up. It's just so hard to decide on what to do. The boys love their father, who am I to take them away from him? I would feel so much guilt girls, you have no idea. At the same time, I cannot just walk away either, and let this continue. Geez, life is tough. There has got to be a learning lesson from all of this.
thanks so much girls,
I will think long and hard about what I should do.
I think you know what the right thing to do is. Unfortunately, the right thing isn't the easiest thing, if you don't do something you may live to regret it. Good luck.
"The boys love their father, who am I to take them away from him? I would feel so much guilt girls, you have no idea."
Who are you? You are their Aunt who also loves them very much and you are thinking with a drug free mind. And tell me how much guilt would you feel if something happened to those boys? If he does not get help then what is in store for those boys when they are older. Will they do drugs and will the autistic boy be unruly and have no education.
Get help for them. If he loves them he will love you for doing this when he is clean.
I'd call protective services. The kids could find his drugs, and overdose. Kids can start experimenting with drugs that young, it's not unheard of when they grow up around it. Where is their mother? Is there anyone else who can care for them? The way you describe it is not recreational use (I'm not condoning any use, but there is a difference), it's serious use, because he's neglecting them. The child with Autism needs special care, and therapy to help him function with the disease, it doesn't sound like he's getting it.
Oh My,this isnt' easy for you I know, but at the same time I have to agree with the other ladies, you know what you have to do. I know that this will hurt you as well, and yes you may feel guilty, but let yourself be relieved by the fact that you got your nephews oou of a potiently dangerous sititution. I saw that someone else asked if there was anyone else in the family that could step in and take the boys? since you said that it's not an option for you, But if for nothing more then to see the boys not go into foster care. At the same time I have mixed feelings about that also because it just tells the father you can continue to do what your ding and we will take care of the kids, maybe he does need the reality of them being taken away, for him to see the light and get himself together.
Again I don't envy the position that your in at the moment. If it was me although it will maybe make your bil mad, I would try to talk to him and tell him his drug usage is unacceptable, the house being dirty is unacceptable, him not feeding the boys all the time it all has to change immediatlety or you will have no other choice but you report him to CPS.
I'd odd person out bc I've seen this situation. I wouldn't call protective services, but I would have a serious heart to heart with him. Go to a website that might give you the words to say and maybe stage an intervention with family. Tell him that someone, somewhere down the road, is going to find out and THEN he WILL have the kids taken. Once they find out, it will be out of his hands. While I despise that drug (my cousin finally stopped when he took a look in the mirror while doing it) and almost had his son taken away, I do commend him for trying to be a single parent and a dad to his children. He could have left them as well.
He has to have a mentor and people who truly care about him. My cousin is now one of the best dads in the world and now his son has his dad "back". hope that helps??
Goodness, you are in a tough spot. Thank you for caring about these two boys. I worry that if their father is not able to meet their basic physical needs, he is not available to them on an emotional level. These little guys deserve so much better. I don't have any advice. I'm just glad you care.
To me it seems like a no brainer, but that 's probably because I am not in your shoes.
This man is not equipped to raise two needy boys. He needs to do a lot of work on himself through drug treatment and therapy. While he is working on that, the boys will require a home, someone to see to their needs. If you are not that person, then they will apparently have to go into foster care.
You say you don't want the government to intervene, but that is why we have the Department of Child Protective Services. We all pay tax dollars for them to provide a service, and that service ensures that children who are in a dangerous environment will be protected and removed from that danger. It is our duty as a society to protect children, and this is how it is done.
You say you don't want them to go to foster care.
On the one hand the boys are living alone in a house with video games provided by a drug addicted dad who is never really there for them.
On the other hand, if they were in foster care they would most likely always be supervised and have 3 square meals a day.
Drug addicted dad - foster care.
Drug addicted dad - foster care.
"The boys love their father, who am I to take them away from him? "
They hardly even KNOW their father. According to your description of their lives, he isn't home much and when he is he is high. He is just barely providing the basics, food and shelter, and he is deifinitely not providing emotional stability.
"They have raised themselves all of their lives, they have been home alone, and taking care of themselves since they were very little. It's so sad."
This is most likely the reason why the older one has anger problems. Given how little he understands about his emotions, he is reacting, in the only way he knows how, to being abandoned by his mother first and then by his father, for all practical purposes. In addition, he is left alone to deal with his autistic brother.
You say that you will feel guilty if you report them and the boys are taken away. The guilt you would feel is misplaced. If you are referring to the guilt you would feel b/c your BIL would be mad at you, then tough. The right thing doesn't always make everyone happy. You have to be willing to risk making people mad in order to do what you know is the right thing. You would not be ripping a family apart. What family do they really have? You said that the kids are raising themselves, anyway. Their dad isn't there for them being the kind of dad that they need, that they *deserve*.
First Welcome to Momsview!
This is a tough situation, but maybe you could have a sit down with their dad and explain that he needs treatment, and offer to take the boys for the few months he may need to become sober. Honestly, drugs make you a completly different human-being and these kids won't be his priority for long. Everyone has their own life and problems but sometimes we have to do what is right and honestly I couldn't watch this go on.
Hope it all works out.
I knew of a similar situation a few years ago, except it was the mother with the drug problem. I agree with the others that you really need to do something. Talking to your BIL or doing an intervention would be a good start, but you should remember that when you are dealing with someone that has a drug problem, you're not dealing with the person, you're dealing with the drug (so to speak).
Your nephews need to be in a stable environment where they can get the help they need. The best games and a nice house in a nice neighborhood doesn't replace love and affection that these boys definitely aren't getting from their father.
I could share many stories of what happens to children that live in drug addicted homes and the possible effects on their lives because I know of many people that are users but I will spare you from reading a book..
I have drug addicted brother in laws, crack is their drug of choice. Their addictions started young but grew to the level they are at over time. They have both been using crack for the better part of 20 years.. They both are also alcoholics, as was their father before them..
One BIL's kids were finally removed too late.. the kids were damaged to the point that they used all the skills they had been taught by their parents on all the people that tried to help.. The people weren't prepared for the level of damage the kids had suffered. From neglect, to the skills of an addict, they went in ready to fight because the very people that were trying to help were the enemy according to the parents. It was an ugly mess and we ended up getting burned by our niece, long story.
Needless to say.. Our nephew sits in prison as we speak (he is a car thief, made the Columbus news several time) at the age of 20. Our niece is 21, crack addicted and a single mom to her dealers baby.. And our step nephew that had been shipped off to be with his father, returned at 18 to save his family.. With in a year he had committed suicide, leaving a note behind about how much the addiction had destroyed the lives of everyone he knew and that he had been roped in by the mother to start using himself. That he couldn't quit and he couldn't destroy another person with it... so he saw death as his only out.. All three kids used crack.. Mom and dad introduced them to it and alcohol at a young age. The cycle repeats..
You need to talk to brother in law.. Get a feel for his intent in this and if he isn't going to do right by his kids then you need to report this to the police.... Period... They will offer him help and he will retain custody of his kids if he does what he has to do to get them back.. He needs a serious reality check and with some people even that doesn't work. But those kids need someone to look out for their best interest and your brother in law isn't going to do that while he is chasing his next high. Been there and watched that...
Oh and by the way, Welcome to the board... Hope to see you around often.... 
QUOTE BY "By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, March 14, 2007 - 01:45 pm:
I'd odd person out bc I've seen this situation. I wouldn't call protective services, but I would have a serious heart to heart with him. Go to a website that might give you the words to say and maybe stage an intervention with family. Tell him that someone, somewhere down the road, is going to find out and THEN he WILL have the kids taken. Once they find out, it will be out of his hands. While I despise that drug (my cousin finally stopped when he took a look in the mirror while doing it) and almost had his son taken away, I do commend him for trying to be a single parent and a dad to his children. He could have left them as well. He has to have a mentor and people who truly care about him. My cousin is now one of the best dads in the world and now his son has his dad "back". hope that helps??" END QUOTE
Heidi, I am replying to your message listed here above. I think that you understand where I am coming from, until someone has been in these shoes, it's very hard to make a decision like this. For me, it's not a no brainer. I love my brother-in-law. He is not a bad guy, he has a disease of addiction. Almost always when the boys are left home alone, then their father isn't at a bar, or out running the town, he is working. He works so much, he is such a hard worker. When he is home, he does things with the boys, he takes them to the indoor go-cart rides all the time, and he takes them to the indoor water park, and does spend quality time with them, just not as much as I think they need. He doesn't buy them much food, that part really bothers me. They are raised on Top Raman Noodles, he truly believes that is all they need, but I don 't think he knows that there is zero nutritional value in them. His ignorance comes from the way he was raised when he was a child by a dysfunctional family. His own father was a drug addict and became homeless for years, and was found dead about 8 years ago beside a trashcan. I do feel sorry for him too. I know the power of addiction, and the struggles of growing up in a "not so good home" - from my own personal experience.
I don't think that calling Child Protective services will solve the problem here. I think I will take the advice here and try to intervene here with a soft easy approach, that will not put him into "defensive mode".
I could take his kids for him, don't get me wrong. I have a large house with plenty of space. I just don't have the mental capacity to raise more kids right now, it's such a huge task, and I sometimes feel that I could do better with my own kids, so how can I possibly give any extras to someone else's children??
Geez, this is so hard.
Thanks all of your for your wonderful advice, and I do agree with most of you, totally I do, it's just that I think this situation warrants a different approach.
Thanks,
Mia
Mia, it looks like you have given this a lot of thought. Yes, it is hard- nothing worth doing is ever easy.
Honestly, from the way you described the boys' situation in your first two posts, it sounded like they were being totally neglected, so I am a bit confused. If he works so much and gives them so much quality time, when does he get high?
Anyway, I sincerely wish you luck at trying to get through to him, although I doubt that it will work. He is a drug addict, and drug addicts will go on the defensive automatically. He needs tough love- like a planned intervention or the removal of his boys. Something to shake him at the foundation of his addiction. Most addicts need to feel as though they have hit rock bottom before they start to get up and clean up. If you know the power of addiction, then you know all of this to be true. You alone may not have the power to get him to face the reality of his life.
But you have read here and you know yourself that this is too important to NOT do anything. Where we differ is simply how to go about doing it.
One more thing to think of- what if you CAN'T get through to him? What options will you then consider?
Again, I wish you luck.
Okay everyone, I asked my girlfriend what I should do about this situation (she knows me well and has been a part of our family for over 20 years - we are not close anymore, and barely talk, but I wanted to get a different perspective from someone who also uses drugs (Smokes Pot Only) -- but that also takes good care of her kids) Long story but that is why we are not close anymore.........
Anyway, can you all give me your opinions on the advice that she gave me too? I would really appreciate it. Her advice is sooooooo different from what you all have suggested and I am at a complete loss now as to what I should really do for these poor boys.
SHE SAID:
you read what you have written.. you pretty much decided that you cant turn him in...and you dont want to raise them..then you should have a heart to heart.. but will he listen
no.... so butt out.. would be my answer... but keep them in your prayers and the more people that pray the better off the boys will be... put them in all the prayer lists you can find....
get the boys when you can and when the boys are afraid or hungry tell them to call you.. or grandma.... thats my advice...
Agreed, "what if you CAN'T get through to him? What options will you then consider?"
I wish you guidance and I wish for those children safety.
Your friend's way is the easy way out. You feel so stuck because you have talked yourself out of all the other viable options.
My position won't change. You need to get the courage up to do the right thing for these boys.
Step 1, Talk to him. When that doesn't work go to
Step 2, Stage an intervention. If that doesn't work then go to
Step 3, Report him to CPS and the authorities.
The right thing to do is never the easy thing to do. You must think of the boys' safety and well-being first and foremost.
Sometimes, the only obstacles we face are the ones we have placed before us.
Again, I wish you luck.
Agreed, again... Obstacles are often the things we place before ourselves..
Your friend has a jaded point of view.. coming from a fellow addict, I would expect no less than for her to tell you to tend to those boys..
That man needs to step up and take care of his children.. IF they are not enough cause for him to do what is in the best interest of them and himself then those children would be better served any where but with him... Irregardless of how many toys he buys them, or trips to the indor cart tracks. If they are going with out food and with out proper parenting, then does he truly care about those boys??? He has already been busted for possession and that apparently had no long term effect on him staying clean, what happens the next time he gets caught?? Where would the boys have gone then?? Does that seem to be his primary concern right now, seeings that he is using again?? What if he OD's? Where are the boys going then??
You girls are so awesome, and I think I will do exactly what Cocoabutter just said that I should do. The 3 step process, I can do that. At least give him 2 other options before calling in an outsider, I totally agree. I really appreciate all of this advice girls, I really do, you have no idea how much this is weighing on me right now. Your words are important to me and to the lives of my nephews.
You have no idea how relieved I am to hear you say that (or to read it!) I just want to know that you are willing to make the hard choices because the best interest of the boys is at stake.
I will say some prayers for you and for them. Let us know how it goes.
Saying prayers for you and those boys. They need someone like you to look out for them. You could have a very positive impact on their present situation, and rest of their lives.
And, I also wanted to welcome you to Momsview, Mia! I should have said it in my earlier post. Again, thank you for caring about these little guys. I have had them on my mind so much since reading your post.
Hugs to you. :-)
Hi Mia, it's me again. I would also, when you have that heart to heart talk with him...be in a semi-public place where you drove him to. That way, he can't make a spectacle of himself and he can't just drive off.
When you approach him about it, make sure you tell him first and foremost that you wanted to show him how much you love him and the boys. Also, tell him that "your first reaction is to be defensive" but we have to keep in mind that it's you and the kids we care about. If he can't take care of himself first, how can he take care of the kids. I would also start off with how you admire him for working so hard and for not running away from his boys. However, think about what kind of life his kids *could* have, if he weren't on drugs. Drugs are expensive, a dead end "escape", and something that his kids are going to eventually do.
Look up statistics on parents who do drugs, or even bring up his father's life.
One of the reasons I work out so hard is so that I don't end up like my mother. I really do it for my child. And, I'm also really good with money so that I have something to offer my family later on down the road. (My mom is a schizophrenic who was homeless for 3 years. She's also had 5 strokes and is now in a nearby nursing home that we visit at least every other day.)
Long story short...he needs to feel like it's HIS idea too. Maybe ask him what prevented him from stopping in the past...what could motivate him to stop in the present??? Having his boys taken from his home and separated??? Oprah did a show on that yesterday and CPS did intervene and the daughter said that, although her mother did drugs, it was the worst thing being taken from your own mother. Her mother straightened up, but it took outsiders to "force" her to, in order to get custody back. It took 3 years.
I also agree, try to take some more time with the boys. Get their view and maybe bring it to their dad's attention. What if the boys find the drugs? What if the boys know more than what the father thinks they know??? Maybe even ask the father to go shopping with you for some food. Does he even know how to cook?
I'm a teacher and teacher's are very aware of what's happening in kids' lives. If they hear of ANYTHING, his sons could be taken within 24 hours and he can't do anything about it. 
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