Kissing preteen
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I have an 11yr girl who has a "boyfriend" and I have just found out that they were "suppose" to kiss the other day. I'm freaked! we are very strict Christain parents, she goes to a Christain private school and does not hang out with this boy besides at school. He seems nice enough and I know these things are gonna happen but geesh, at 11? Someone shoot me some advice please!!!
No advice. My kids are 17 and 14 and kissing hasn't been an issue yet. The 14 yo thinks all the boys around her are just too immature yet.
I was in Gr. 6 when I had my first "boyfriend" and kiss. Very innocent. All this unbeknownst to my parents. He was a neighborhood kid and we hung out together during recess at school. I broke up with him when I learned he had kissed another girl. Oh, the drama! LOL! My DS is in Gr. 5 and I can see it coming. All part of growing up. Sniff, sniff...
I'm sure I was in grade 6, too. Kisses at that age are normally just a little peck, so I wouldn't worry too much. My 11 year old dd hasn't kissed anyone yet, and my 13 year old dd just thinks that's gross. LOL Yes, part of growing up.
I had my first kiss at 11. My parents never knew and were convinced that I thought boys were gross also.
How did you find out they were supposed to kiss? Did she tell you?
Being in a Christian family ourselves, it really didn't matter. My mom wanted to believe that it did, but sometimes our curiosity tempted us too much. However, it's like a frog...if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will jump out. If you start with a cold pot and slowly warm it up, it will cook to death. That being said...just keep an open door at this point and keep a watchful eye. Discuss with her the way boys think (maybe hubby can do that?) and let her know that what she is feeling is normal but she can control the curiosity. Maybe even the frog story...LOL
When they're teenagers, you have to learn to be more like counselors rather than dictators. Always always always just ask questions and sort of "lead" them into an answer that is suitable but they will think that they came up with a solution on their own. 
examples: "How do you know he's intereted in you?" "How does this make you feel?" "Do you feel you have to kiss him?" "What do you think will happen if you don't? Do?" Eventually she will come to the conclusion that she is just curious but doesn't have to do it. Sometimes they don't know what they're feeling and they just do what others want them to do. It's important for them to identify what they are feeling and what they are feeling is normal and can be contained.
PS- Even some of your own stories from your past (or make them up... is that bad?) to show what it's like on the other side of the fence. And, the hubby can give a guys' perspective and how unnecessary it is.
Oh, and the purpose of the frog story is to show how kissing leads to other things because your curiosity continues to the next level. Life is simple when you're just curious about kissing, you know? Good luck and let us know how it goes!
I'm pretty sure my first REAL kiss was at 11 and I'm POSITIVE my parents had no clue. I'm sure they would have been even more mortified if they knew it happened at school!
I think it's normal for that age, unfortunately it just seems that so much more seems to come from one kiss these days than it did 20 years ago. Heidi has great advice, which I hope to follow someday. Keep the doors of communication open and be prepared to possibly hear something you might not like (like you already have). My parents had such an open door with us about everything, so we were never afraid to say "I kissed so-and-so tonight" or "So-and-so wants me to do this", etc. At least my parents could always say they were "in the know" so-to-speak. I think that's a major accomplishment with teenagers.
((HUGS)) and good luck.
Well I think i was at the end of 6th grade, or the summer between 6th and 7th when i had my first real kiss.
My parents had no idea.
I really hope my kids come to me with that kind of info when they get older.
I was probably 6th or 7th grade when I had my first kiss. Thankfully, my 11 and 13yo kids are not at all interested in kissing girls. I picked kids up from school one day (kindy, 1st grade, 3rd grade and 6th--Randy) and while driving home we saw two kids kissing on the sidewalk. Randy said the girl was in his class. All the kids said, "EEWWWW!!!" rofl I'm good with that! lol Good luck with your situation.
Ditto,Heidi.You got some great advice.I was in grade 6 and my parents didn't know anything.I think this is where its important to teach alot of self respect.(((HUGS))) I'm sure I'm going to be talking on this board with the same topic hopefully yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeears from now.
Thank you all so much! We did end up discussing it and they never did "it" thank God!! I was just so freaked out, it seemed as if she was growing up right before my eyes! You all will proabably get a good laugh and some of you might even disagree with how I found out but I feel if its in my house its mine, so with that being said, I looked through "the journal". I believe that these kids now days are just growing up way too fast. Its nothing like when we were back in the 6th grade and boys were yuck or ya kissed someone under the slide. With the teenage pregnancy rate going up as we speak, AIDS and all the other issues not to mention how grown up they all think they are with their phones, waxin' their brows, wearin' nails and in the chat rooms. OMG, way too much for me! Now, I know kids are gonna be kids and I'm sure this is a normal time for all of this but I just think as mothers were never ready for it! So, once she told me that she didn't kiss him I proceeded to tell her about all the diseases ;) she could get from kissing (LOL) and then told her that her father and I understand her feelings and that they are normal but we think that kissing is for adults whom show more responsibility than kids their age are ready for. She seemed ok with it all. It might have just gone in one ear and out the other (thus the glazed look when I started talking) anyway, I feel much better. Whew! I'm so glad I have a boy in the middle of my 2 girls so I can regain my sanity after all this! Thank you all!! I'm sure I'll be back next week with some other sort of middle school crisis! Wish me luck!!!
Diseases from kissing??? Please tell me you didn't tell her she could get a disease from kissing...
Momof 3, I'm glad that you got to talk to her, but as a mom or an almost-13 y/o (boy) and as the wife of the youth minister I would strongly encourage you to give her a little space. I'm all for monitoring blogging, IM, and email, but a journal is a journal. Your DD is at a very sensitive age and she needs some place *private* to express her thoughts and concerns as she processes them and makes sense of them. I am concerned that your overprotectiveness may end up pushing her away. She needs a little freedom to start making some choices. Heidi's post about questions was right on. You sound like you have a great relationship right now and you don't want to jeopardize that by taking away her privacy.
Also, I'm with Heidi. Diseases from kissing??? No aware that there are any that you can't get from any other droplet transmission. You certainly don't want to scare her with false information.
http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/d/diseases_contagious_from_saliva/glossary.htm
Ok-call me extreme but I would rather be educated than sorry later. I think kids now days are so unaware of the importance of saving some things for later. Kids now days think that its no big deal to kiss or dress a certain way or a lot of other things. Now, I'm not saying that a little preteen kiss is something to go over board about but I just wanted to see how others have handled it. As for the journal, she doesn't know I read it. I feel a journal now days is just the same as all that iming and blogging, non of which our daughter is allowed to do. Not too many kids now days even use a journal its all put out on the computer. I agree with giving her space and this is a delicate time however I find it important for her to know that I know whats going on. She doesn't need to know how I find out whats going on just that I'm aware and I'm here if she has any questions or wants to talk about it. Heidie, I loved you're frog story and I did put my questions out there as you suggested. Thanks!
Well, as a daughter, who's mother read her journal, and I did find out. I felt very betrayed. It was my journal, my personal thoughts. I did not tell my mother much of anything after that. We did not have a close relationship through my highschool years, and I would not have gone to her if I was in trouble. I never felt comfortable telling her things. And, after she read my journal, I didn't trust her. To me, going online and blogging, iming, etc, knowing that everyone, including your mother, can read what you wrote, is totally different then writing something that you think is private, and having someone read it. I would really suggest that you stop reading her journal. When she finds out, it will destroy your relationship. If you keep communication open, and talk with her, you will know what is going on because she will come to you. JMHO.
I now have a great relationship with my mother, but it took until after college to become one.
Michelle, I can definitely understand your need to protect your daughter. Just make sure you look at the website more carefully. When you click on those diseases, if you notice in the "prevention" part, it never says to abstain from kissing. Sex, yes, but kissing no. They are being very misleading.
Also, with the journal, I can certainly understand why you did read it. However, my mom did that to me and I found out about it. I could see that she did it to try to control situations, rather than just asking me questions. You'd be surprised at what you can find out by showing her you care and talking with her out in the open. She should be able to come to you if you make the efforts to ask questions of concern and respect her privacy. Journals at home are definitely different than public journals on the internet. Every time you are tempted to read it, think of a question to ask her instead. Even if it's in a note form...girls aren't that great at expressing themselves in a conversation because they're put on the spot. How cool would it be to keep a private "note log" between just the two of you? You would have to promise her that you won't go ballistic or bring it up in conversation...just notes between mother and daughter with time to think about the answers.
I just read a book that's helping me learn to let God take control and it's totally changed my life. This might help you with some teenage moments too...it's called "Calm My Anxious Heart" and it's by a Christian author named "Linda Dillows". I recommend buying it because you'll read it over and over.
Click Here
You are a good parent who takes a sincere interest in your daughter's life...just make sure you leave the control up to God and show her you care by asking questions. You have to open the door by showing her that you're not uncomfortable with the difficult situations. That is her biggest fear...your reaction and what you'll think of her.
This is hard thing that we are going through with my 12 year old stepson. His mother caught him talking to a friend about his kissing happening. He loves sports, so my husband discussed with him that he might focus on sports right now and be interested in girls in a few years.
Somebody just shoot me! LOL
It was bad enough with 3 boys. But dd is another story.
I have no girls but it doesn't get any easier. My son is in the 4th grade, and 3 of his friends have girlfriends, and one even has 3 of them. I don't know if there has been any kissing, but since when does a boy at the age of 10 even care about having a girlfriend???
I have told my son that they are all too young to be having girlfriends. He understands, and is really not interested in anything except video games and sports.
His teacher told me that the girls are getting boy crazy and they are very agressive towards the boys. She said that when she was a girl, she was taught that it was inappropriate for girls to chase boys. I think that this also is worth bringing up because how a girl (or anybody, for that matter) behaves reflects back onto her, and if a girl is going to pursue any boy who will give her the time of day, she will look like a sl-ut. The sexualization of young girls at young ages has led to degrading behavior and has lowered the staus of feminine respect. IMHO,
As for me, I wasn't kissed until 9th grade. I had lots of crushes on boys before that, but I was't advertising myself to them. It was all admiration from afar. *sigh*
The whole boy thing hasn't hit my house yet. My girls are much more "into" school. Emily still thinks boys are stupid!
Awww...Dawn...are you SURE??
My kids are pretty much at school, or home with us. As far as I know, no one is involved with boys.
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