Letting go - thoughts about preschool
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This will probably turn into a jumbled mess of thoughts, but how in the WORLD did you ever let your little ones go to preschool? It occurred to us lastnight that in 2 days it will be the year that Natalie begins preschool. (Yes, it's 8 mths. away and yes, we're panicking.) The thought of it is pretty hard to handle, which then leads to the thought of REAL school a couple of years later....yikes.
*We* think we're pretty overprotective of Natalie. She's never been with a sitter who wasn't a grandparent and even that's on a limited basis. She's been put to bed ONCE by one of them, the rest of the time DH and I are home by her bedtime when we go out. (It's because we really want to be! Sick, I know.) We've never left her overnight and are BARELY considering it for our anniversary in March. We're just not sure if we can do it! She is in a gymnastics class by herself, but we are still watching her through a window.
The IDEA of her being alone at a preschool for an hour and a half nearly cripples DH and I. Has anyone else ever felt this way or are we complete weirdos? We have 2 preschools in mind, both excellent, so it's not a question of the school,staff, etc. It's just that she will be alone and out of our supervision. When she started gymnastics by herself, she cried about the first month of classes. She completed every task given to her, she did well with the content of the class, but she cried while she was doing it. It was actually pretty funny...this little cutie crying through every rotation, yet still doing front rolls and swinging on the bar just as she should. She got through it, we stuck with it, and now she's fine. BUT, she knows we're always there.
Don't even get me started on sending her to K and on or I'll fall right off my chair in a heap. Are we alone in this? She is our B-A-B-Y!!
There's a reason my oldest didn't go to preschool and you just nailed it. Since Seth had to go to school as part of his therapy program, I didn't really have a choice about sending him and it was HARD! I had seriously considered homeschooling because I couldn't imagine her being out of my "sphere" for such a long time. It just wasn't feasible for us to deal with Seth's autism, therapy, and homeschooling. I'm not that good!
Like everything else with being a mom, you just do what you have to do...even if you cry on the drive home!
Our job as parents is to teach our children to be independent and not to need us. I always approached it from that angle. Honestly I never shared these feelings. I adore my children and was a SAHM during their first 4-5 years, but I was so excited when they started preschool kindergarten, basketball, etc. because they were so excited and enjoyed each new experience. It was weird that they had friends I didn't know and were having experiences that I wasn't there to share with them, but that's part of it.
My kids were in the church nursery from a couple months old each so they were in someone else's care for about 3 hours every Sunday and 1 hour on Wednesday. DH and I have never lived in the same city as family and we have always made regular date nights a priority, so our kids have been with babysitters and put to sleep by them. We also take at least one annual weekend trip away alone together starting when I wean them. If I were you I would start with some of these types of babysteps to make it easier on both of you. You also don't have to send her to preschool, but it sounds like you might need to start loosening the apron strings slowly, at least before she starts kindergarten, or it will be really hard on you...and more importantly on her.
There is no reason you HAVE to send your child to preschool, especially at age three! I never sent my oldest, and my other daughter only went because she turned five in late November and I wanted her to have something to do at that age, plus she had separation issues so I was trying to break her in gently to being away from me before the real deal in K. So, my oldest was at home with me 24/7 (no gymnastics or other classes at all) until she was 5.5 years, and then on to half day K. My youngest was home with me 24/7 (again no classes of any sort) until she was 4.10 years and then it was 2.5 hour preschool THAT I PULLED HER OUT OF A FEW MONTHS LATER. She wasn't ready. I'm GLAD I pulled her. Other people shook their heads at me. I paid no attention to those other people. Why put Natalie in preschool if it gives you all such serious reservations?? Wait until she's four. Or wait for K. Or homeschool her. I've never understood the way we parents send our kids off FIVE DAYS A WEEK for SIX OR SEVEN HOURS every week!! It makes NO sense. It has to be the dumbest thing I do. And my kids go to private school....I PAY thousands of dollars to SEND THEM AWAY. I hate sending them to school. Parenting is so hard. Don't start your regrets and guilt so early in her life. If you're all ready for this in eight months when it's time, then fine, send her. But if you're not, don't be afraid to keep her home until it feels right.
It wasn't THAT hard. Emily loved preschool and didn't think that 2 hours was long enough! She would have gone longer!
I was lucky for my kids, that they didn't have to go to all-day kindergarten. It's the norm, now, but only started a few years ago. I know one girl does go home at lunchtime, but the rest all stay. I think that would have been hard on me.
I agree that little babysteps would be a good idea, like Pam, to get her used to being away from you, for short periods of time.
My girl didn't go to preschool until age 4. Oddly I didn't have the anxiety that I thought I would have. She adjusted great at that age and wants to go whole day. We just send her half days though. Next year she will be in the first grade. That will be hard. She is getting so old.
Tink and Kate - exactly! Now that we are parents, the whole idea of letting our child be away from us every single day for that long (in school) seems utterly ridiculous!! You both sound like us.
On the other hand, I feel that since she doesn't have siblings and isn't going to have siblings, that getting her around other kids is necessary. She's been in music classes since she was about 6mths. old, then daddy&me gymnastics, now regular gymnastics, play dates with one other little boy, and we've been doing the library story hour for about a year and a half. (That's very preschool-ish for 40 min., but I am present.) I want her to be well-rounded and comfortable with other children, because like I said, there aren't other children in our home and all of her cousins are 8+ yrs. old and aren't around much. The whole idea of putting my child out "in the world" seems ludicrous! Absolutely, if we start preschool in the fall and it's not going well, we would have no reservations about pulling her out and waiting. Honestly I think she will do fine, but WE are struggling with this whole idea of sending our child away.
Kate- Private school is a huge consideration for us, although we don't care much for our options where we live. But your comment about "I pay thousands of dollars to send them away".....YES! YES! That's exactly how we will feel. Homeschooling is not something we are interested in for a number of reasons, but it makes total sense. My mom says "Don't send her to preschool you're an early childhood teacher!", but it's not about the learning. I know I can teach her at home, but there are so many things that are learned in a classroom that are never re-created in a home environment. She's going to need all those things.
She's very smart and well-spoken, so we've really not thought of sending her at 4 instead of 3. (She'll be 3 at the end of June.) I know we will just have to see when the time comes, but at this point, it's all about DH and I.
Pam - I'm sure you are right about cutting the apron strings, and we tell ourselves that on a regular basis. However, we end up realizing that we don't mind at all! DH and I were always pretty private before Natalie, and not big socialites. We're the kind that always spent a lot of time together at home instead of out, and we still do that. Our big thing "before" was traveling abroad, which is not possible now due to one-income and leaving a toddler for 2 weeks at a time. Once I go back to work, we'll just pack her up and take her to Paris with us! That's just us I think, and I know everyone is different about that. Without a doubt, if we did not live near family, I'm sure we would have had one outside date since her birth. For us, leaving her with someone other than family is out of the question unless it's an emergency. Just another personal choice for us.
Thanks everyone, and glad to know there are others like us!!
As you will see , you will get various answers on this. My oldest 2 kids went to preschool at the age of 4. It was 3 days a week 3 hrs a day. With each child, I was very sad. The plus side was, they both loved it so much. They would of stayed all day if I let them. We do not do babysitters either. We have no family here. I can count on both hands how many times I have had friends watch my kids, and my oldest is 12. We dont do babysitters, I just dont trust many people.
Faith is 2 yrs old, and when she is 4 she will go to preschool as well. The same, 3 hrs a day 3 days a week. I will be sad, as I was with her older brother and sister. I "think" it will be good for her. We dont know anybody her age now, so I think she would enjoy it.
I dont think preschool is a must. It is a hard step, no matter if its your first child or your last child.
I dont believe that children all HAVE to go, as I dont believe that you HAVE to leave them with a babysitter if you do not want to.
Its up to each parent to do whats right and what they are comfortable with. As you can see from this post, we are do things in a different fashion.
You do what feels right, and don't worry about what the rest of us think.
It's not about cutting the apron strings, it's about gradually loosening them a fraction at a time as they grow up. I felt the same way when we sent DS off to preschool for the very first time and again when it was DD's turn. All par for the course of parenthood. These feelings still surface as each child reaches new phases and/or accomplishes milestones. For example, this is DD's last year at our primary school. I'm nervous about her starting at the Intermediate school next year, but I know I'll get over it. {{{HUGS}}} Your feelings are absolutely normal!
I panicked at the idea of putting Connor in a 3 day program myself. I worry about what other kids will do to him. He isn't one to retaliate. He just sits there, which is a good thing, but I worry about bullies. It's funny bc he's usually the tallest kid, but he's the kindest and most sensitive.
So, we're still doing our weekend days with a mommy and me program at our local Montessori school that I love. When we move to Colorado in the spring, we'll have to look at the preschool possibilities as well.
It's hard to let go for me, because I also wonder...well, what would *I* do when he's away? The thought makes me sick to my stomach because I've always had this cute little appendage and I know I would miss him and not be able to do anything but just that! It makes me analyze my own purpose in life and I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle that.
But...with change comes strength, right?
Heidi, I also wondered what *I* would do while my babies were in school. It was bitter sweet at first, but then I began to cherish the mommy breaks and the ability to go grocery shopping and run errands without kids in tow. 
I'm thinking I sounded a little harsh, there. I'm sorry. I had to start giving up my kids, though, at 8 weeks already, since I wasn't at a point, where I could quit my job, when I had kids, since I carried the health insurance. By the time preschool came along, it wasn't as hard to send her there.
Next year, I sent my first child off to college and I'm alternatively excited and sad, all at the same time. Sometimes I wish I could go with her and take classes, too! It would be fun to do the classes without the homework, though! LOL! I would love to take microbiology over again!
I don't think it is so much about cutting the strings either. I know I was a wreck about sending dd (an only child also) to preschool. But I felt she needed to be away from me for a bit and be with the other kids. She only went 2 days a week for 2.5 hours a day. So 5 hours a week. It was at a wonderful church preschool that I was completely comfortable with. As nervous as I was about leaving her, I also felt a tremendous amount of pride that my little girl did so good with the adjustment and loved school. She had a great time, made friends, and became more confident that she could do things on her own without me. I put aside what I thought was best for me and did what I thought was best for her. If she wouldn't have handled it so well, I wouldn't have thought twice about pulling her and waiting until she was 4. But it all worked out and she did great and I saw her self confidence just blossom!
I was sad when my oldest started preschool. I just made sure we found one that we were very comfortable with. It was a small Christian school with only 10 kids in a class, with a teacher and an aid. Ds started at age 3, and totally loved it. He thrived there. My youngest was more of a mama's boy, and had a late birthday, so I kept him home until he was 4. He went to the same Catholic School that my oldest was in. He loved going to school "with" his brother. This year was probably the hardest adjustment, my youngest went into 1st grade, so both my dks are now gone all day. I found that getting involved at school made it easier. I help in both my ds's classrooms, and I volunteer once a week in the library. This way I know their friends, I know their teachers, and I know what is going on with them. Both my boys LOVE school, so I think that helps. I was worried about what I would do with myself. But, I tell you what, I am busier then every. I am at school 3 afternoons a week, I am scrapebooking again, and I joined a book club.
It is hard to let go. But, also exciting to see them growing, changing, and becoming their own person. It is also nice to have myself back again. I am doing new things, and finding new interests. I can see where Pam is coming from, I have found that now that I have time to do things that I love, I am a better mom. For dh and I, it was also important to spend time alone together. So, since we never lived around family, we had to find babysitter to leave our dks with. So, I think everyone has to do what is right for their family.
Vicki- That's one thing that I'm looking forward to! I think seeing her love it and make friends will be so fulfilling, but getting past that hump will be the hardest part for DH and I. I echo your thoughts, that I want her to be away from me and with other kids and that's the primary reason for preschool for us. Hearing about your daughter reminds me that I shouldn't be so dramatic!
Heidi - First, I didn't know you were moving back to CO! Second, "other kids" are one of our biggest worries as well. Much to my surprise (and pride) Natalie has had 2 negative encounters with a not-so-nice/lazily supervised child at the library and she spoke right up and never looked my way. Guess her mother came out in her then!LOL Maybe it won't be QUITE as bad in preschool, where the class size is so small, but K and on.....OH MY! Having taught does NOT make that any easier, because I KNOW what the teacher is experiencing with 25 kids in the class and no help and that doesn't mean anything good for *my* child, you know? I've BTDT and it's just the sad facts. Hence the serious consideration of private school, which is probably another thread for another time.
Dawn- It's funny, because when I think of Natalie going off to college I feel REALLY excited for her! LOL Isn't that weird. College seems like such a great experience of the world. Now DH on the other hand needs a shrink every time he thinks of college, LOL.
It's bittersweet...I will cry if she struggles with the adjustment and I will cry if she loves it.
We felt very much the same as you Vicki with regard to the adjustment to independent gymnastics. We waited and supported her and continued to make her go, monitoring the situation the whole time. She was physically ready for the class but wanted to be with Daddy. We didn't jump and pull her, we stuck it out and a month later (4 classes later) she was cool with it. We were proud of ourselves for not faltering (although we considered it!) because we kept telling ourselves that "she's an only child, she needs the structure of a teacher, she needs to be alone with other kids, she's going to preschool next year...." all those things. It paid off. She's a min. of 3mths behind the other 3 children and she stands out in the class as a good listener, patient, succeeding with the content of the class, and mature(okay, a little Mommy brag I threw in). She gets comments all the time about how mature she is and everyone thinks she's older than she is, yet another reason (to us) why she should go to preschool next year.
I really appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts. Thank you.
Deanna, if she is doing so well already, to me that would point to not sending her at three, instead of showing that she is ready. I do think pre k is important these days, but with my 3 I have had very different experiences. My oldest went at age 4, it was good for her, she was reading at that time and loved school. My middle kid went at 2 1/2 because he needed the speech help. It was suggested by the speech path. It was good again. My youngest went at 2 1/2 and it was one of those mistakes in parenting I wish I could take back. It was a bad year. But once they start they want to be there and they don't see the bad stuff.
In general my opinion is to look at your options. How many days will she go? What will the next year be like, what is kinder like. I didn't put a lot of foresight into for my youngest, if so I would have done things differently. We have full day kinder here, so kids struggle if they haven't been to a prek k that is 4 or 5 days a week. That wasn't so with my dd, so her two days a week were perfect.
Also if a program offers 5 days a week and you only choose to go 3, you will feel left out. Been there done that. The kids only get half of the projects, so they miss field trips and such that tie into the theme, because most of the kids go the max they are allowed.
Taylor will be starting the same time Natalie is...I started crying the other day when I thought about it. My baby is going to start Preschool and my little man will be in 1st grade!!!
It's hard to put them in school for the first time, but that feeling is very short lived. When you see how much fun she is having and all the new friends she is making it will be well worth it.
Taylor will be in school from 9-11:45 2 days a week. I plan on working out, grocery shopping and cleaning house while they are both in school.
I'm sure you already know this but Preschool is the best thing you can do for your child to prepare them for "real" school. As scared and sad I am that Taylor is going to start Preschool I am just as excited for all the new adventures she is going to have and all the friends she will make.
Oh goodness, Deanna....it would be much easier if you just had another baby so she'd have a sibling and then you could keep them both at home and they'd have each other. Seriously, it's a lot easier to have your own child/sibling for her who you can raise and teach and know will be a good influence on Natalie!! Who knows WHO she'll be exposed to 'out there'.
I agree with Kaye...she doesn't sound like she needs to do preschool now as she has so many things going on right now that she's doing well in. I'd take advantage of age three to keep regulating her sphere of friends/peers/influences. The earlier the negative influences come in, the quicker they start changing! The longer you keep her home and in your 'control' the stronger she gets in ways you want her to be and the more resistant she'll be to the negative influences.
As for homeschooling, I know moms who complain about how there are too many groups and activities to keep up with when homeschooling. You could homeschool her and have lots of kids/peers for her with co-ops and field trips and YMCA gym classes, etc. I wouldn't rule it out just yet. Also, you could always homeschool her in the early grades and THEN let her spread her wings after a solid foundation with you. I wish I had done that.
As I said in my first post, I don't think preschool is necessary. As a matter of fact I am of the mindset that kids are generally pushed too fast academically. However, preschool is good for socialization and learning to deal with structure and rules that are necessary in school, but it should be very loosely structured and very play-based. That's the whole reason my kids went to preschool---for the social aspect. They are both very social and loved to play with other kids their ages and with new toys. To keep them at home would have denied them those experiences. Would it have ruined their lived not to go to preschool? Absolutely not! Did I do fun, enriching things for them at home? Sure did and we had a blast! The thing I didn't have at home though was several other kids within a few months of their ages and that was what they wanted and thrived on.
As I said, it wasn't difficult at all for me to send them to preschool and maybe I'm weird on that count. However, we'll be moving next year and the thought of having a then-5th grader and 8th grader start all over at a new school in a new part of the country having to make new friends...that makes me want to vomit to think about it. I KNOW that we will have many tearful days and weeks ahead (both on the side of the kids and DH and me) when that happens. Middle school is a hard time anyway and 8th grade was the hands-down worse year of my life. If you do send Natalie to preschool next year I volunteer to hold your hand and cry with you as I send my big boys off into unchartered territory.
Oh Dianna, thank you, thank you for sharing these feelings! I have been really down about the thought of letting Lara go to school (no preschool here, but KG is looming ahead!) and Dh and I feel exactly like you both feel. I am going to come back and read all of this, but must run an errand. I thought I was strange and too attached! (But goodness, I carry her for nine months close to my heart, and since her birth I haven't been away from her for more that a few hours at a time. I AM attached! I can let her go, but it has to be in baby steps:-)!) I am actually crying reading some of these post. Hormones I think, and it just feels better knowing I'm not alone. To make things worse, our neighbor girl who is ten was over last night sharing that she didn't want vacation to end and return to school. When she left, Lara started to cry and asked if she has to go to school, too. She said, "Mom, I would miss you with my whole heart. You and I have to be together. We are buddies." Oh dear...:-|
I have to tell you I was counting the days until Helen was old enough to start (bad Mommy, I know). She turned two the week after she started preschool. She loves, loves, loves school! I love, love, love the two hours I have to do my thing (started studying opera again). I am a happier mommy. She's a happier girl because she get to play with kids every day.
I started her off only three days a week, but put her on the waiting list for the other two just in case. Boy am I glad I did. The other two days were filled with the repeated questions: do I go to school today? Why don't I go to school today? and then the demand I WANT to go to school. So, I put her in the other days. She goes 5 days and my son just started Kindergarten at 4 years 9 months. He also loves it!
Go with your gut. You can always start her and then pull her out if it's not working.
Ame
Wow, Ame! I didn't know they had preschool for that age! They're just babies. What do they do with them? Is it basically just Day Care until a certain age?
Okay, just re-read that, and it sounded a little snotty. That's not how I meant it, I just really am wondering. I live in a rural area where pre-school is offered at age four, so I am just curious.... Hope I didn't offend...
Oh, not at all snotty . I know you too well to take it that way.
They do: colors, numbers, shapes, coloring, cutting, pasting, music, movement, gym and work on social skills like sharing, taking turns, cleaning up, self-control, empathy. The children learn to interact with eachother, accept an authority figure other than a parent, follow rules, etc. There are 12 children and 3 teachers. Class runs from 9:00 until 11:15. Most kids go only two or three days, but that just wasn't enough for my little one.
Believe it or not, we live in a rural area, too, which is why I felt it ws important for my children to be in preschool. That is really the only opportunity they have to meet other kids on a regular basis, especially in the winter months when we can't get to the park.
Her class even had a Christmas pageant! She can't stop singing Away in a manger and Jesus Loves the Little Children. I asked her who Baby Jesus is as she said, "I don't know, but he sleeps on the HAY!" Too funny!
She took to it like a duck to water and she'd never been away from me or her brother before. Other kids were crying and she just waved and said, "I'm gong to school. Mommy's going home. Bye, Mommy"
My son also did the same thing. Just went on his merry way and neve looked back.
Hope tha answers some questions.
Ame
Thanks, Ame, for making such a nice statement about knowing me too well to know I didn't mean it that way. That made my day!
That is so sweet about Helen singing her songs and saying that about Jesus! They really do a lot with the kids. I'm glad she loves it so much!
I thought my son was going to give me a terrible time going to school, but he loved it and still does!
My daughter went to the Middle school this year. The Elementary and Middle school are across the street from each other. I helped in the office the first couple of days at the Elementary school, so I was going to be walking in with my second grader son. My dd wanted me to walk her across the road and over to the bridge (you aren't allowed to walk them into the school in Middle school to encourage more independence which is great, IMO) so I told my son to come with me and we would. He said, no, go on mom. You don't need to walk in with me. And he went on to his school. Broke my heart!
But he sees me at school on a daily basis because that is where I sub, and he just goes on, sometimes with a hi mom if I'm lucky. Classmates of his give me hugs, but he is like "whatever!". My dd still came over to hug me on the occasion that she saw me when she was in fourth grade! Just the differences in kids, I guess!
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