Hi! My name is Stacey and I have a 3 1/2 year old son. I really neep some advice please. The past few weeks my son has really been talking back to me. It is not only me he talks back to either, he does it with his father and his grandparents and teachers at school. He gets really nasty to, for instance if I try and correct him from doing something, he just turns to me and says "mommy, don't talk to me...I hate you" isn't that so young to be talked that way? If I ask him to do something, he will scream at me and say, "NO, you do it". I just am not understanding this behavior. He has always been my little handful. He's all boy, energetic, loves to be center of attention. He does have quite a personality which I love. But, for the first time ever, I'm feeling helpless with this situation. It has really been making me very sad and I just cry sometimes. I feel like everytime I go to daycare to pick him up, it's always something negative they have to say to me. I have tried numerous types of dicipline, but nothing seems to be working. Can anyone offer any advice who may have been a similar situation at one time or another. Thanks so much!!

By Ginny~moderator on Monday, October 2, 2006 - 07:06 am:

Stacey, you mention in your introductory post that you and your husband are divorcing, and have shared custody. I wonder how much this factors into your son's behavior.

By Stace on Monday, October 2, 2006 - 08:20 am:

I think it may have something to do with his behavior, although it just started to get bad the past few weeks. His father and I are on ok terms and do get a long for the most part. We live only 4 miles from eachother. Another thing I want to add is that my son has a half brother who is 10 from his dad's side and he sees him every other weekend. I have witnessed at times the way his brother speaks to my son. He can be very bossy and can speak very nasty to him. I have talked to my ex about it and he says he does speak to him about it. I don't know...Im at a loss. It bothers me that when I go to pick him up from school that there is always something negative said about him. I don't want him to be the "bad" kid at daycare. I used to work at a daycare years ago and I know that kids do get labeled. My son is such a loveable child to. He is always smiling and loves to cuddle and hug. It's just his listening skills and talking back that need some fixing!!!

By Tarable on Monday, October 2, 2006 - 09:19 am:

How long have you and your ex been seperated? Is this a new thing?

I know my dds were about that age when I got divorced and it showed in their behavior a lot. As far as the "I hate you" comment, I always reply with "I love you more than anything on earth" because you can't let them see that they are winning by upsetting you (it also aggrivates my dds who are 11 and 9 now).

As far as it coming from the older step brother I do know that being around older kids can bring the worst out in little ones if the older kid is not so nice.

Good luck and lots of ((((HUGS)))) I know this is a rough age when things aren't going right.

By Stace on Monday, October 2, 2006 - 09:27 am:

We have been separated for about a year and a few months. The divorce will be final in about a month or so. So, as far as it being a new thing...not sure if it is for him. I am dating a man and have been with him for about a year. My son and him get along very well. He is good to him.

When he does tell me he hates me, I do always come back with I love you. I know that some of his behaviors are quite normal, however I just thought he was a bit young to be saying some of the things he does.

But, thanks for the input. I really do appreciate it!!

By Trina~moderator on Monday, October 2, 2006 - 09:45 am:

I agree the divorce situation may be contributing, but it also sounds like typical 3 yr. old behavior. Don't take his comments personally. They quickly learn how to push our buttons. Find a parenting approach that works for you and stick with it. Consistency is the key.

By Stace on Monday, October 2, 2006 - 11:05 am:

I do realize that consistency is the key...however, I haven't found the right approach to be consistent with. I have yelled at him back, I've tried being stern, I've tried timeout, I've tried taking things he enjoys away from him...nothing seems to be working.

By Vicki on Monday, October 2, 2006 - 11:10 am:

How long are you trying each thing? It may be that your not sticking to one concept long enough before deciding it isn't working.

By Tripletmom on Monday, October 2, 2006 - 11:22 am:

Ditto Vicki-Sticking with one thing for awhile is key.He might not be taking you serious because he knows you're going to change it soon.NEVER let him see how upset he makes you,they thrive off of these reactions.I found yelling never worked it just makes everyone upset.You still want to discipline respectfully thats how we teach them respect.When he does good ,let him know.Some kids don't care how they get attention good/bad.Let him have the extra cookie or new colouring book/crayons for the good behaviour.Alot of these behaviours are par for the age but letting him disrespect you is always a no,no

By Stace on Monday, October 2, 2006 - 11:37 am:

Thanks everyone for their input! I will try and stick with one approach and use it for a while and see what happens. I def don't want him to be disrespecful to me or others. So, hopefully I can nip it in the bud before it gets worse. Thanks again

By Mia on Monday, October 2, 2006 - 08:25 pm:

Stace, I ditto Vicki as well regarding sticking to one consequence. For us a stern and firm (not yelling though)- "You are not allowed to speak to me that way! Apologize now!" usually worked. (though they always try again some time just to see what happens) And if they persisted then it way time-out followed by an apology.

Also use the same stern tone while telling him he's not allowed to talk that way at preschool. They'll have their own form of discipline but I'd follow it up at home and make him apologize to them too.

You're right about nipping it in the bud, don't even let him get to the 2nd sentence, lol. I'm sure all will turn out great and we've all had times with our kids when we've felt helpless.

By Stace on Monday, October 2, 2006 - 08:40 pm:

Thank you so much Mia! I will def take your advice and be consistant with my firm voice. Hopefully, it will work!! I'll keep ya posted

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, October 3, 2006 - 07:49 am:

Ditto with those above, and an emphasis on not yelling back. If you yell back at a child who is yelling at you, you are letting the child set the rules for the interaction - not a good thing. You are the adult, and you have to model adult behavior - calm, no name calling, firm, and consistent. It isn't easy, I know - most of us have been there done that. But truly, being and behaving like the adult is, in the long run, the most effective way to manage these kinds of behavior. Then you are making the rules for the interaction, and you are demonstrating the kind of behavior you want from your son.

I do think that the kind of behavior the 10 year old is modeling is playing a role in this, and if you can speak to your son's father about it again, I would do so. It sounds like the 10 year old is bullying your son, and your son is taking that kind of behavior into school. He is the victim when he is around the 10 year old, and maybe is trying to not be or feel like a victim by trying to bully the children at school. (And it would be good for the 10 year old to be taught to not be a bully. He's not just "being a boy" or "all boy" - he is being a bully, picking on a 3 year old, for pete's sake. That kind of behavior will serve him badly in school and in relationships with other kids. I hope his father can be brought to see that.)

As for "I hate you" - well, my response was - you don't have to love me, you don't even have to like me, but you have to treat me with respect. I love you, but I don't like the way you are behaving right now and I want you to stop. I think it's great that you tell him you love him when he says he hates you, but I suggest that when you tell him you love him, you also let him know you don't like what he is doing.

Eventually we all have to learn that it is possible to love someone and at the same time dislike what they are doing. I've come to think that being able to separate the two - loving mommy but not liking what she is doing - gives a child a great deal of security. It is pretty scary to think about hating or not loving one's parent, because the flip side of that is the parent not loving me. If your child can learn to separate loving and not liking the behavior, that would probably be a good thing.

By Mia on Sunday, October 8, 2006 - 12:00 am:

How's it going Stace? Any improvement?

By Stace on Sunday, October 8, 2006 - 07:35 pm:

Hi Mia, yes there has been a bit of improvement. I have been consistent with discipline and it does seem to be working. So, I am happy about that. He is such an awesome kid, I love him to death. So, I really hope that I can totally nip it in the bud before he gets to be really disrespectful. Thanks for asking!!

By Mia on Monday, October 9, 2006 - 08:03 am:

I'm glad for you and the little guy. I'm sure he'll move on to some other annoying behavior before too long ;) lol You're doing great!

By Stace on Monday, October 9, 2006 - 07:53 pm:

LOL! You are right on that one!!!

By Mrsheidi on Monday, October 9, 2006 - 09:45 pm:

I just wanted to offer a word of encouragement! Keep it up! You can do it! Stay calm and consistent even though it's the hardest thing to do over and over and over...

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, October 10, 2006 - 06:41 am:

See, Stace - I told you that you'd get good advice here. Glad it is working. I agree, consistency is really, really important - along with you being the adult and being calm and firm, rather than buying into your child's style of arguing. And yes, Heidi is so right - it is so hard to do it over and over and over and ..... Sometimes I wished I could just put my voice on a loop - Yes, you have to pick up your clothes (for the 30th time); No, you can't stay up past your bedtime (for the 90th time); That is not a nice thing to say and I want you to stop saying it (for the heaven only knows how many times).

Ah well - they do eventually get the message. And then it's on to a new thing and a new phase.

However, in the end, you will have raised a nice boy who knows how to behave. And all three of my sons, as adults, have told me more than once that they're glad I worked so hard at making sure they knew how to behave properly, because it helped them a lot in their adult lives (especially when they contrasted their raising with their friends, whose moms weren't so strict, and saw how these friends as adults didn't really know how to behave and had problems in the adult world because of it).

One day, one battle at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow, because there will almost certainly be another battle. But as you practice being calm and consistent, the battles get easier and fewer and farther between - I promise.

By Annie2 on Tuesday, October 10, 2006 - 09:56 pm:

Many moms here parent with the help of a book called 1-2-3 Magic. This might be a tool for you. I'm glad things are improving a bit.

By Stace on Thursday, October 12, 2006 - 06:16 pm:

Thank you everyone! It's nice to have the support!!