My dd is 13 and in the 8th grade. She is driving me absolutley CRAZY. She brought home a D on her recent math test. She got the test back on Friday and told me after school that it was a C+ and that she could retake the objective she missed on Monday...this was when she was asking to go to a friends house to spend the night. I said NO, you know that you have another test next week and you have a book report due on Wed over a book that you haven't even started. She keep making excused for why she couldn't get a book at the library before. So she promises to spend the weekend studying that she will "do better next time". As for this weekend....everytime she was supposed to be studying I would find her at the computer watching music videos...we would have an argument over the fact that I want her to study WITHOUT any distractions...she claims she CAN study with music, TV on etc. I point out to her that her grades sure do not reflect that. This leads to another BIG argument where she just wants to argue with me over ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. It deteriorates to the point where she is telling me she hates me and she wishes she didn't live here and I know NOTHING at all about anything. This goes on until her dad gets home on Sunday night..he had to take some of his clients to CA for a business trip. He sits down with her and of course is very calm because he spent the weekend relaxing with the boys. She proceeds to tell him that she has TWO test next week in addition to the 300 page book report (she only told me 1 test when she asked to go the friends house).

So now we are at today afterschool and she hands me an update from her math teacher and it shows that she received a D on the math test NOT a C+ as she said on Friday. She claims she really did thinkg it was a C+ and the teacher made them hand in the test so she must have just read it wrong. My daughter has been manipulative in the past and I just can't help but think that telling me it was a C+ was her way of trying to get what she wanted. Eventhough we have said that she needs to maintain a B in order to be in her extraciricullars and spend time with friends. I just feel like she was trying to play me a little.

We have been having a very ugly interaction since school got out at 3:30. I NEED HELP. I know that I lose my temper and don't deal with her the best so I need some help there. I also need to know what to do so that she will have some desire to do better.

PLEASE...any advice, criticism is wanted. We can't go on this way. I know that I have to change how I approach her but it is hard to change yourself so I need som help.

By Tarable on Monday, September 18, 2006 - 06:04 pm:

I don't have any suggestions or advice but wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I feel you pain and I am dealing with a 9 yr old that sounds a lot like your dd. Good luck!

((((HUGS))))

By Melanie on Monday, September 18, 2006 - 08:03 pm:

My oldest is 10, and he is a boy, so I can't give you the BTDT advice you really need. But hopefully I can offer something you can use.

As to the fighting, that takes two. If you don't engage, there is no argument. Remember this line: "I love you too much to argue." Repeat it, calmly, like a broken record. She will get frustrated and give up.

When she says she hates you, tell her calmly that it's okay because you have enough love for the both of you.

You have essentially set her up to lie in that you have told her what grade she must maintain in order to have activities and be with friends. If she gets a bad grade, she is going to do everything in her power to keep you from knowing about it for as long as possible. That's normal. But since you see that threat isn't working the way you thought it would, it's time to find a new approach.

Over the summer I read a book called "The Organized Student". I highly recommend it. It's all about how to work with your child to set up a system of organization that will work for your kid. It's not uncommon for kids, even those who did great in elementary school, to fall apart in junior high. Organization is a learned skill. In elementary school, organization is done in large part for the child without the student ever really learning what is happening and why. When the kids hit middle school they are assigned projects and can't break them down into manageable parts on their own. That book report sounds quite overwhelming as a whole. If she learned how to work with it in smaller parts, it may just be something she would be willing to tackle. Check out the book. It may be very helpful.

Good luck. I hope you two can find a way to work together to solve these problems. Give her ideas and options, but give her as much control as you can to let her figure out a solution. Talk about long term goals and what she wants to accomplish. And stop the fighting. It's counter productive. Good luck. I hope it works out very soon.

By Kaye on Monday, September 18, 2006 - 08:22 pm:

I have a 7th grade daughter and all I can say is....yuck! What I do know is that I can't reason with her in the moment. So I have to find teachable moments when she is in a good mood (which isn't often enough). I also have to try to be calm and cool. What helps some (and it is so far from perfect). I literally write out my expectations. I expect her to come home, have a snack, do her homework, have some hang time, practice her horn, and then shower by 8. If I know she isn't doing this, I pretty simply state, you aren't meeting expectations. She may stomp off and get mad. But I quickly reminder her, do we need to look at consequences. I also have those written down. I moved the computer where it is always in my sight, she can't be on it with out me knowing. I have unplugged the upstairs tv, so again, I know that she is doing it. I tell her simply, she acts 5 I treat her like she is five. We also had a big brainstorming session about what priviledges she had. Her list was school functions, friends, etc, but mine list was more like tv time, computer time, radio in room, phone time, door on bedroom, stuff besides bed in room. Pretty much I had to get through to her that she has a LOT of privledges and I was only obligated to provide her with a little food and a mattress and clean clothes of my choice each day. When I took her clothes away for not picking them up and handed her and outfit each am, she got the point real quick

By Tripletmom on Monday, September 18, 2006 - 09:41 pm:

(((HUGS)))She's only 13 things do get better.Does she maybe feel overwhelmed.Is she far behind in school and its starting to get out of control.Maybe start letting her win a few battles.If she's willing to do homework why not let her listen to music.I always had background noise whenever I studied.You both need to start respecting eachother again,that will lessen the arguments some.Thirteen is a tough age,it was tough for me.Call a family meeting with everyone,and explain this is a good time for everyone and this is the time to speak you're minds.Tell them that you don't like the yelling anymore and things need to change because nobodys happy anymore.Explain that our family needs to work as a team because thats what kind of family you want.Let everybody have there say and most times it really helps.As long as everyone stays respectful.I've had 2 family meetings in the last year and it puts everything in perspective.My family is much happier with less yelling.We went through a very saucy stage with our DD.Everyone seems to be happy with everything right now.((HUGS))

By Mrsheidi on Monday, September 18, 2006 - 10:39 pm:

Being a math tutor, I recommend getting her a tutor to take some of the heat off of you.

Ask if she feels comfortable going to her own teacher for tutoring or if she would feel better going to an outside source. (By letting her choose, she feels in control. Getting a tutor is, of course, not an "option" anymore. It's a necessity.)

Also, is there an online resource that you can check her grades? Her teacher HAS to have an email account that she checks regularly. I would be in contact with her EVERY day. Let the teacher know of your concerns. It really helped me to know that my students' parents were concerned.

I would give this option:
1) After 2 weeks of tutoring, for every C or below, on a quiz/test/homework, she is grounded for the weekend. (Or do whatever you KNOW would devastate her. Take cell phone, computer, etc.)

2) For now, I would take her distractions away and have her earn them back. They're yours, actually, since you paid for them.

3) Lastly, and most importantly, talk with her while she is calm and there aren't any problems. And, remember, there is only an argument if you keep arguing. I usually end arguments with teenagers by saying "THANK YOU!" with a smile.

Always remain calm. Easier said than done but your anger is their fuel for the argument.

Some examples I used:
"Man, you're a mean teacher!"
- Yup! I'm as mean as they get! You're RIGHT! (With a smile) Kids don't know how to argue when you actually agree with them.

"You can't be serious"
- I could always make it worse...but, I love you too much.

"I was trying, really I was"
- Trying is one thing. Doing is another. It's a form of insanity to think you'll end up with different results with the same approach. So, what are you going to do differently this time?

Stick to your guns...teenagers are so unreasonable...I know I would NEVER want to repeat those years!!!

By Mrsheidi on Monday, September 18, 2006 - 10:44 pm:

PS- Stop trying to explain yourself and your reasonings to her too. She knows what she did is wrong.
And, the only advice I ever heard that was useful from Dr Phil was this:

1. Deal with money problems with money.
2. Deal with emotional problems with emotion.

So, I would add...deal with bad grades with a tutor. It will take the emotion out of the situation.
{{{HUGS}}}

By Mommyof5 on Monday, September 18, 2006 - 11:10 pm:

Heidi- the tutor is a good idea. I have checked into a few this evening and the going rate seems to be $40/hour. Does that sound about right to you...seems like a lot to me but if it helps her and eases our problems then I guess it is well worth it.

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, September 19, 2006 - 12:57 pm:

I charge $30/hr for middle school students. Is there a college near you? If so, you can advertise for a college student at $30/hr and ask them to come to your house. They don't have to be a math major but you can advertise through the college newspaper or ask the math dept if they have a program. Or, ask the math dept if there are any students that you know of that would be good tutors. You could even ask the ed dept.
Are you looking at Sylvan, etc?

By Bobbie~moderatr on Tuesday, September 19, 2006 - 02:39 pm:

Our schools offer free after school tutoring. Most are not aware of this because they don't tell the parents, they inform the students, contact her school.. Her teacher may have a student she could refer for tutoring. They use student tutors (College, High school, Jr High) depending on your grade level..

As far as the behavior, time for a change up. Let her be accountable. Let her state her expectations and let her state her thoughts on appropriate punishments.. Then take hers and yours and come up with something that is workable for you both. Her issue is likely that she feels that she is grown enough and should be able to do as she pleases.. Common among kids this age. Make her accountable to herself not just you. And don't fight her, she wins.. Set up an agreement on the way she speaks to you and if she breaks it a set punishment. This too shall pass, don't give up because that is when the real problems will start...

By Mommyof5 on Thursday, September 21, 2006 - 12:15 pm:

Thanks for all the advice. The rest of week has gone much better. I have decided not to point out to her where I think she maybe could have made a better decision regarding her homework and preparing (not an easy thing for me to do). She got an A on both her Science and Social Studies tests that she tookt his week. I am working on a solution to the Math problems. She does have an overall grade of b+ in math since her homework and in class assignemts are almost all 100% it is just those darn tests that seem to get her every time.

By Mrsheidi on Saturday, September 23, 2006 - 11:54 pm:

Sometimes it's hard to gauge how a teacher tests as well. Are the tests congruent to how the homework is being presented or are they more difficult?
I would also have a conference with the teacher and see what her/his tutoring hours are (they are required, by law, in most states). I think that might help the most since she seems to be doing so well in the other classes. Math isn't something to mess around with...it spirals into a bigger problem down the road if not taken care of early.
She also could have been distracted by boys or just not knowing what to expect on a test.
Get with the teacher and see how you guys can work together to help her. Teenagers are a whole different breed, huh? I love that age though...crazy, I know. I would never want to repeat those early teen years yet I love the teens that I teach. They are a wonderful generation that is often misunderstood.
Good luck, and let us know what's happening as of late.