How do you get your toddlers (ore even other kids) to bed at a reasonable hour?
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This question is multi-faceted, so please forgive me. I know I've been coming here for help a lot lately so I apologize for seemng so needy. I think we're going through some sort of phase...not sure.
I've always had a routine and I feel like I've given him a lot of choices. Bath, daddy videos, brush teeth, mommy time wrestling, books, prayers, and then bedtime. I let him choose which daddy videos he wants, which books he wants to read, and I let him choose which stuffed animal he wants to go to bed with.
He's been begging for more daddy videos and to sleep in my bed with me...not to mention he doesn't even want to read books at night now. (I think I'm most upset about that!!) 
I'm at my wits end...again. All my days end in crying and I hate putting him to bed when we are both crying. I'm lucky right now he hasn't figured out how to get out of his crib.
Should I shorten the routine? He has the hardest time with the word "no" and STILL hits me. (I've tried the timeouts, the sympathy and leave, the low voice and leave, and holding his hands together and nothing has worked.)
How can I avoid saying "no" all the time? He's not easily redirected.
I feel like my day ends so horribly...
I've had to rock him to sleep because he gets so upset he is coughing. I don't want our days to end like this.
BTW, 9pm is when he's going down and 7:30 is when we start the bath. He naps from around 1:30-4:00 and then I have to wake him up. He would probably sleep longer if I let him.
And, for those keeping track, yes he's still on his meds but he's been doing this before he got sick. He's on a liquid steroid and I give it to him before 9am so it shouldn't affect his sleeping.
I'm definitely not one to give you advice. If it were my kid, I'd let him sleep with me. Both of mine slept with me for quite awhile. Daddy worked third shift anyhow, and I loved that time more than anything. I still miss not looking over and seeing my baby boy sleeping peacefully next to me.
But, then you have the issues of breaking him to his own bed again. I realize that this is a big issue with a lot of people. We simply did it as the children were ready. Starting with a toddler bed right next to my bed, so that they could still reach over and touch me and be reassured, and then moving the toddler bed further away, and then into their own room.
But this is off subject. I really think, maybe you are giving too many choices and overwhelming him. Maybe try simplifying things a little. Bathtime, get dressed, lie down in bed, read a book softly and good-night.
I always swore by the Johnson and Johnson lavender smelling baby bath. I bathed mine in this and it really helped to calm and soothe them. And if you go straight from the bath to the bed then he isn't getting any time to get hyper and energetic again. The warm bath will make him sleepy, and then lying down and listening to a calm story will keep with the "calm effect" you are trying to maintain. Maybe videos and such are just too stimulating. If you want to do the videos every night, I would suggest doing them before bathtime. And keep everything after bathtime low key.
Good luck!
I'm not a good one to answer this, since bedtime seemed to drag on and on, at my house, too, when mine were small. It used to drive me crazy, because I just wanted them to go to bed, so I could get some me time and I remember getting crabby!
We started a visual schedule for the bedtime routine when Seth was Conner's age. I just cut pictures out for each step of our bedtime routine, glued it to a 4x6 card and gave it a simple title. A picture of pajamas for putting pj's on, a picture of a clothes hamper for putting dirty clothes away, toothbrush for brushing teeth, etc. I put the cards in a small photo album and let him turn the pages as we went through each step. I agree with Adena that soothing things should be done from bathtime on and that videos and wrestling with you may be winding him up instead of calming him down. His routine seems pretty long to me. Our kids' routine is about 15 minutes long, from right out of the bath to getting into bed. Unlike so many moms, I love putting my kids to bed because it's such an easy time with us. I think their "bedtime book" is a huge reason why bedtime goes so smoothly. HTH
Ok, my DD at age 5 1/2 is still a terrible sleeper and it's a struggle! She always ended up in bed with us. In fact, both kids woke at 2am and came to bed with us. LOL
My only advice would be to give lots of choices during the day, so he feels in "control." Let it be choices that work for you and only offer two. Do you want juice or milk for breakfast? Do you want the milk in a sippy cup or a big boy cup? DO you want a blue cup or a red cup? Then, offer a choices at night too. Do you want to read this book or this book? Then, if he's not cooperating, after you've gone through your routine, then say "Mommy's given you lots of choices today, but now Mommy is going to make the choice." I would put him down and let him cry for a bit.
Of course, this is easy since I'm not there, right? LOL Nothing ever worked with our DD, but taking time to lay down with her. She didn't respond well to CIO, but our DS does. He only cries for a few minutes and he goes right down.
((HUG)) It's tough, I know! I hope you find something that works.
Just a couple of thoughts. First like adena said, I just let mine sleep with me...it is easier to break that habit when hubby is home.
But the other thing I found with my youngest is he just got very overstimulated before bed. I quit reading books at bedtime. We did all that stuff during the day. Maybe consider dropping the daddy videos right before bed and move them to right after dinner. He might be suffering from depression and that only reminds him how much he misses daddy. What we finally when with for my youngest was really shower, jammies, brush teeth, say prayers, hugs and kisses, and nite nite. I have also done picture schedules with my kids, it really helped. I just took a piece of card stock and we picked out pictures from magazines, then glued them on. On the top is was "bedtime routine", on the other side I did am routine, they hang on their wall and they flip them over.
Hugs, Heidi. There is so much going on in his little life right now. Nothing is going to be smooth. Nothing will go as planned. Let go of the image of the perfect mommy putting baby to bed. It doesn't exist. Once you accept that things will go wrong and expect them to, maybe you won't get so frustrated. 
That said, my getting the kids to be early starts when they wake up in the morning. They're up between 6:30 and 7:20. They have breakfast and we get dressed and we are out of the house every morning by 8:45. I started doing this with Randy because of camp and school and Helen just had no choice but to follow the plan.
They have lunch between 11:30 and 12:30 every day, unless Randy is in school - then it's whenever they do it. Helen goes down for a short - 1 1/2 hours max nap. I get her up and we have some one on one time. We pick up Randy from school, come home, do stuff. I make sure we have some kind of physical activity - roll on the floor, toss a ball, go to the park if it's nice, let them fun around the yard - etc.
Dinner is on the table by 5. After dinner it's a little more playtime, then baths, then a snack, then we brush teeth, read two books in bed and then lights out.
They are both in bed by 8:00.
Now, your situation is very different from mine. My husband is seldom home to help with the bedtime routine, but he's not at war. Connor is missing his daddy, he's sick and he also picks up on your despair.
I know the daddy videos are important to you and to him, but maybe watching them at bed time is not a good idea, as Kaye said. The earlier in the day, the better. As much as you both miss him, they may be upsetting to him because he can't comprehend why his daddy is not there. Maybe try skipping them for a few days and see how he does. Kids exhibit stress usually in poor behavior. The videos may be more stressful than calming to him.
As far as his own bed, I think once he feels more comfortable and less stressed, he'll be able to settle.
With Randy, who had many of the same issues as Connor at this age, I used to read the same three books each night. I would just let him choose the order. After a week, I'd change one of the books if he seemed bored.
The meds will get him riled. I still have not found an antihystimine that Randy can take without getting nuts.
I hope you can use some of what I've said. Whatever does not work, or you don't agree with, forget about. I only hope you can find a solution and a way to destress.
Hugs
Ame
I am no help either. I always let my kids sleep with us if they wanted to. They are 8 and 10 now and prefer to sleep by themselves. I miss snuggling up to them in bed to watch videos or read books. Such precious memories. Follow your heart and not a baby book or expert and you can't go wrong at this age. Good luck. I know this has been a rough time for you.
I agree with many others that your bedtime routine might be a too much. Natalie goes to bed at 8:30 and we start the routine a little before 8:00. She drinks a cup of milk while snuggling with Daddy, then watches a bit of TV with us, picks up any remaining toys in the family room, brushes teeth, kisses all around, last potty, snuggles with Mommy a bit in her room in the rocking chair, then off to bed. She's usually not asleep before 9, so we probably should just keep her up but it's working fine for now.
I agree with the Daddy videos at bedtime and even the books. We sometimes read with Natalie before bed, but it's usually when she's particularly wound-up from playing. We read a lot during the day so it's not like we're missing anything.
We personally cannot see a reason for Natalie to ever sleep with us, but everyone does what they think is best. All I'm thinking (after breaking the paci habit in a grueling 3 week span) that starting a habit that you just don't want to break later is not worth it. Are you really going to want to be sharing your bed with your son once your DH comes home after his lengthy absence? You are just going to want that time with DH aren't you? That's just the way I'm looking at it. Then you will be starting a new battle over IMO.
I also agree there might be too many choices going on. Good luck! I often feel like bedtime drags on, but it seems like it comes and goes. I think it mostly just drags on because I'm so ready for alone time with DH, when in reality it's not that bad.
Also, you mentioned how much he's sleeping during the day. That could also be a reason why he's not wanting to go to bed at night because he's not that tired? Just a thought.
{{hugs}}
I let ds fall asleep in our bed also and then we'd move him to his bed. We broke the habit at about four or five yrs. old. I certainly do agree with Deanna about having to break that habit when dh comes home. I say watch the daddy videos during the day, wrestle during the day, and take care.
Ame, I love what you stated at the start of your post, in regards to letting go of the "perfect mommy image". So much of what you said to Heidi is so insightful. I'm so glad you are posting more!
Hugs to you, Heidi. I can't give you one bit of advice. Lara is a total night owl like myself. I'm embarrassed to tell you what time we both get to bed some nights!
Ame, I wonder how many of us carry the perfect image mommy thing around? It pops up for me, oh say, just a few dozen times a day, lol! It might be a good topic for a new thread.:-) We can still be good, no GREAT moms and not be perfect, right?
Heidi,
I'll have to admit I have never been the text book mommy either! At our house, its bath, brush teeth, and off to bed. It's simple and straight to the point. Actually, now I'm feeling guilty after reading some of the routines above!! LOL
We are not the norm in terms of how our family runs, but I do know my kids will sleep unitl noon if I allow it. Honestly, it is a phase and once you can reason with him it gets sooooo much easier.
Thanks, Nicki. I'm constantly battling that "perfect" mommy image. I find myself feeling defeated and angry and it's very often when I think I've failed to be a good mommy in some way.
My husband made a crack about how often the kids get chicken nuggets for dinner and how I seem to feed them the same three things all the time. Do you know, I beat myself up over it for days! They eat well at other meals, they eat lots of fresh fruits and veggies and dairy and have very few sweets. My son just doesn't like too many dinner items. My children eat earlier than my husband and I because he comes home so late. I make them what they'll eat and something else for us.
Then, he was home on vacation and saw that when I put something other than one of my son's preferred dinner choices infront of him it was a nightmare to get him to eat. He has sensory issues and can tolerate only certain tastes and textures. So, do I "make" him eat and make us all miserable, or do I give him what he'll eat? I give him what he'll eat and just darn what anyone else has to say.
Heidi - I just want to tell you that I admire you so much. You are such a strong woman, with more on your plate than I could ever handle. My hat's off to you. Just try and feel pride in what you do accomplish, rather than beating yourself up for what's not going the way you'd like.
Ame
I can't thank everyone enough...you let me have good tears for once.
I feel like it's not so much wanting to be a perfect mother, but rather feeling the pressure of sole responsibility and not being so gosh darn tired by the end of the night. I also worry that Scott will come home and wonder "What the heck happened to my sweet boy?" I think he still has this infant boy image in his head and I don't want to let him down. (Boy, these are deep thoughts here!) But, your're right, I have to let go of this perfect image and just grit my teeth and learn from my mistakes...I'm trying to do better.
I also want a good relationship with my son. It's not going to happen overnight, but I do feel guilty when I have to be a "tough daddy" when all I really want to be is "sweet mommy".
I know he won't remember these years, but I know I'll never forget them.
As for tonight...it was a breeze, thanks to you guys. I wore him out all afternoon outside and then went in at around 7:30pm for dinner. After dinner, we wrestled, then watched just a few daddy videos (I gave him a warning before we finished them and I think that helped), then bath, brush teeth, read books (okay I read aloud while he played with a toy), and then he actually came to me and asked to go to sleep! (He makes snoring sounds when he wants to do this. It's so cute.)
I think making everything short and sweet helped. In addition, I just closed the doors to the other rooms (like the computer room and master bedroom) when he was in the bath. He asked to wrestle in the bedroom but I told him "We already wrestled downstairs" and he UNDERSTOOD! So...I'm hoping all this continues. I think the bath/brush teeth/bedtime helped. He did ask for mommy a couple of times when he went down but he wasn't in tears or coughing so that felt good. It breaks my heart not to be able to go in there though and just hold him. It's like I have this "instinct" to come fast when he calls for me. I had to tell myself "no, he'll be fine".
There's one thing I've learned about being a mommy though...once you've got one thing figured out, something else changes!!!
I'm so happy it worked out last night! Yay, to both of you! I hope it works out well every night for you. Although, even so, there will still be those days he just doesn't want to go to bed yet!
I love the "snoring sounds" when he's sleepy! Lara comes to me and says, "Look mom. Look at my eyes." Then she looks up at me with these tired, almost shut eyes. Then I have to make a big deal about how we better get her to her bed before she falls asleep right there on the floor. So of course she wants me to carry her to bed, which gets her giggling hysterically and as it turns out she's up for another hour. LOL
Awww, Nikki...that is so sweet! How old is she now?
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