Aggressive Toddlers ~ A vent Kind of
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I'm not sure if this is a vent or what. We went to visit friends yesterday and they have a little boy a few months older than Matthew, he will be 3 in November.
I will call him Max. Max has a hard time playing nicely/gently with other children. Every time we are there someone is always crying and it's usually because Max boinked someone on the head with something. Sigh. I feel for my friend, Max has always been a high needs/demanding kid.
My neighbour has a two year old girl and she is very possessive with toys and things, she has been this way since the very beginning. When she and Matthew were just babies she would take all of the toys away from Matthew, he could not even have one toy, even when she was at our house with Matthew's toys.
Let me just preface this by saying, I'm not taking any credit for this or saying that my child is better than the other two, Matthew is a very gentle, passive kid. When we go to play group, he usually gets pushed aside by the other kids and ends up playing on his own. When other children come over he gives them his toys and doesn't mind when the little girl next door takes every thing and won't let him play with his own stuff.
I guess what I don't get or like is the hitting and the "MINE!MINE!", that I'm seeing in these other children. Whenever Matthew spends any time with the neighbour girl he comes home and hoardes his toys from Cameron and starts with the Mine! Mine! thing, which I really don't like.
The little girl next door will even hit Matthew, I like to try and let them work it out, but I try to intervene before the hitting starts, Max also hits sometimes as well.
Both parents of these other children discipline their kids for their bad behaviour (usually with warnings and time outs) but it just doesn't seem to get any better. Max seems to have a hard time with his emotions, it's like he gets overwhelmed or too excited. He hugs to hard, or he'll grab your arm but ends pinching instead. My friend asked if we were having a party for Cameron's first birthday and I said yes, then felt obligated to invite her. I love her and I do like her child but I'm dreading them coming over as I know it will be a day of tears for poor Matthew. Yesterday, he just didn't want to play with Max anymore then poor Max started crying because Matthew didn't want to play with him.
Does anyone have any insight as to why these little ones are so aggressive? Is hitting, hoarding and just kind of mean behaviour typical for this age group? Both parents blame some of the bad behaviour on daycare, but I'm just not buying that. Cat, I would love to hear you chime in on this issue.
TIA
My youngest has some of these behaviors. He is my youngest, and the other two are okay, and in general I parented them all the same. So I feel like that rules out the "it is the parents fault" bit. Some kids are just more aggressive. Really look at adults, it is true for them too. How many moms do you know that get really upset over little things, or get walked all over by everyone? I feel like at least some of our behaviors we are born with, but as a toddler you are still learning what is socially okay.
Also he is the youngest of three, with my first we kept her in her little bubble, I could completely control who she spent time with and how they interacted. By time 3 was here I just let them play. Sometimes they get rough, sometimes they fight, but I don't choose to spend my day as the ref. I mostly kept them out of harms way (there was the one time my dd dislocated kid 2's elbow). But I think that is how day care is too, a lot of the children there have older brothers and sisters and they just play a little rougher.
That being said, I feel like a contributing factor to my sons aggressive behavior is now related to a sensory processing delay. He just seems to not get it all the time. He doesn't realize that he hugs too tight, he has to have verbal feedback to let him know. Also he has some motor planning issues (where fine motor and gross motor come together). And this contributes a bit to that too, like he was plannign on handing you a toy, but bumps it into you (hits you..lol) instead.
I guess what i am saying is this, there probably is a miraid of reason why this kid is the way he is. You just have to decide if you can handle it or not. At the very least continue to supervise and keep playdates short.
I agree with Kaye, it is not just parenting, there are other issues involved with aggressive behavior. I know that my oldest is VERY passive, while my youngest is a little more agressive. I too, have parented them the same way. Some of it just has to do with their personality. I want to add, that I am by no means condoning aggressive behavior, I am just saying that there are different factors that can contribute to it.
Preschoolers are just learning to share and play together. At this age, it is not something that most will do well on a consistant basis. I think the best way to handle the situation for now, is like Kaye said, keep play dates short and make sure there is plenty of supervision. Also, I have come to realize, even at this age, some children play better together than others.
Yes, child care, whether in a center or a home, can "introduce" children to undesirable behaviors. Anywhere you get kids together can--even play group. BUT they can also be introduced to good behaviors, too. So placing "blame" on child care is a cop-out in my opinion.
It sounds like "Max" may get overstimulated easily. That's pretty typical. There could be several reasons for his seemingly agressive behavior. He may not realize how rough he's being. I've had little ones before (mostly boys) that have dad's/uncles/older brothers/etc that rough house with them and the child feels he can act like that with everyone. There also may be as Kaye said, a sensory issue. Or there may be another delay or even an advancement that are effecting his behavior. If I were you, I'd continue going to playgroup, but try to stick close to Matthew so you can intervein if this little guy seems to be getting too close or looks like he may try something. I know it's hard with Cameron, but do try to keep a close eye on them.
The 2yo girl next door may have some issues, or she may just need a good lesson on sharing, which is very hard for most 2yo's anyway. Do you have any toys that you have multiples of? Or do Matthew and this little girl have any of the same toys? Maybe you could schedule a playdate with this little girl's mom where you have several pairs of toys so if the little girl starts to take both of the same toy you can explain to her that she gets one and Matthew gets one and everyone is happy! She may not get it, but it's worth a shot.
Remember to PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE Matthew when he shares and behaves like he's supposed to. Then when he does the behaviors that the other kids are doing that you don't like you can tell him, "No, that's not nice. Mommy likes it when you do..." whatever. You're doing a great job. It's hard when other kids don't behave like we think they should. Some kids are just naturally more intense than others and in some, the behaviors you explained are how it comes out. Believe me, it's no fun being the mom of what friends call a "bully". (I had a mom--a very good friend of mine--tell her son once, "Stay away from Robin. He's a bully!" Robin was 2yo and her son was 3yo.  ). Robin was one of those intense kids. Trust me. For most of us it's not for lack of trying. Good luck with Matthew's little friends.
Ditto Kaye.
I definitely think to some degree a certain amount of hitting & hoarding is to be expected, but it should be able to be controlled. That behavior should see improvement and modification IMO. If the time outs aren't working then they should consider something else. Just my thoughts. I think aggressive behavior like that is a big issue to get nipped in the bud ASAP.
I've been in sooooo many daycares (to do developmental therapy) and I think being aggressive is the way for kids to keep their heads above water. Of course, not ALL daycares are bad (or home babysitters), and I don't mean that at all. But it has been my experience that kids just don't get enough attention in a daycare setting and are often left on their own - to "learn" to play with toys they have no experience with, to get along with no model, and to fight for rights to toys and attention. That's just MY experience! 
I also think that sharing is a learned thing. Of course, different personalities make it easier or harder to learn. I just don't think sharing comes naturally. I know from experience with Natalie that she started hitting and she had never been hit! Where did she learn that? I don't know where that comes from. She learned that it's not appropriate behavior, but when she is very angry she often will hit some "thing"...the bed, the couch, a toy. I think kids have to be taught a way to get out that anger in a better way. They can't verbalize it (we can yell at someone when we're mad) and they don't know what else to do.
I agree with Cat that it sounds like Max definitely has trouble with overstimulation. That should really be a focus for his parents, IMO. Keeping things low key. He obviously can't handle too much at once or he gets out of control in one way or another. Possibly a sensory issue.
I also think some children get very 'mine, mine' when there are multiple siblings and they have to share EVEYRYTHING. There's nothing that's just for them. I think all the kids in the family should have some 'off limits' items to the other siblings, and things that are just theirs.
Ditto Kaye on what to do. I would have a hard time having this child at my kid's birthday party if it was going to result in problems. But I don't have neighbors so I don't know that obligated feeling. (That's one reason I don't want any!LOL) I think neighbors are a pain.
Good luck!
Thanks ladies for all your input, it's helped me gain a little more perspective exactly what I was looking for. Hope I didn't sound over critical of these other kids, I like the kids just don't always like the behaviour.
I really tried to watch Max this time when we were together to try and figure out why he is acting this way, I know it stresses his parents and they are trying their best. They ask me for advice a lot, but I want to be careful not to offend as they are truly lovely people and good friends with good intentions for their children. I have to agree that he may have some sensory issues and is easily over stimulated. My friend called me a few weeks ago for some help and I did suggest that she downsize his toys, she did some but there is still a mountain of stuff in their dining room and living room. He has 3 cars outside and 2 lawn mowers! I can't believe all the toys this child has, she really needs to get rid of some more and sort them into boxes that make sense so that he can play more effectively.
These little ones don't go to play group together, I only see my friend occasionally as we live about 40 mins away from each other so when we do get together usually an afternoon and evening event, but yes you are all right they need to be closely supervised.
The little girl next door, we'll call her Alice, I'm sorry to say is a bit of a brat. Oooppss did I say that out loud. I think her mother secretly likes the fact that Alice is dominate (female) over Matthew (male). I think this is her mother's issue as she is in an overly passive position with her husband. Maybe I'm over analyzing. But I do believe there is something to this. I have babysat Alice on occasion and usually what I do when she is misbehaving is I praise Matthew greatly for sharing, in a really big way. She's a smart little chickie and catches on pretty fast that she is going to get positive attention from me when she behaves like Matthew does and she is promptly put into time out when she misbehaves, problem is I can't do this when her mother is around. So I try to keep our play dates to a minimum, but Matthew loves this little girl so it's hard to say no sometimes.
Deanna, I agree that aggressive behaviour should be as you say "nipped in the bud", I'm all over Matthew when he's not nice to his little brother, besides that I always tell him "Be nice to your baby brother, one day he'll be bigger than you are!"
With regard to the Mine, Mine issue, neither of these two children have older siblings but both have been in a daycare setting. Alice's daycare actually taught each child to say mine to reduce conflict so that the children could verbalize who had the toy first and had the right to play with it. Not sure I agree that this was the best approach but what do I know.
You do have a point about daycares, this is why my friend took Max out of daycare as he was not be closely supervised and sometimes not at all, but now she's home with a high needs kid and a 2 month old baby, she's ready to pull her hair out, I really feel for her.
Each child is so different you are all so right, I can already see that Cameron will be more assertive than Matthew, he already hits Matthew when Matthew takes something away from him. In a year from now I'll probably be posting about Cameron "My aggressive 2 year old, beating up on his older brother."
As for the Birthday party Alice is not invited (she's the neighbour kid). Not because I don't like them it's just I like to keep birthdays for little ones very low key. For Matthew's first birthday we had a total of 5 people there, all adults and this includes me and DH and he ended up in tears from all the excitement. Alice had 30 people at her party and was fine, just goes to show how each family dynamic and parenting style is different and how it impacts on our children's personalities and behaviours.
I am secretly hoping that my friend cannot make the party, she may have a family party that same weekend. I really love her but I want Matthew to enjoy himself.
Unfortunately Matthew does not attend a play group, it has been very difficult for me, Matthew needs hands on in play group and doesn't enjoy it all that much but Cameron is on the move and takes all of my attention. Fortunately however, I have found a program at the local high school that he will attend 3 days a week. The high school students that are going into ECE after graduation run a program 3 mornings a week for toddlers, it's Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings from 8:30 - 11:30, the best part it's $5 a day, $15 a week! Matthew starts in September. This will allow Matthew to socialize with his peer group and Cameron can actually go to playgroup which I think he is going to love, especially the music group.
Wow, what challenges we all have to learn to live with! The ECE program sounds fun for Matthew and I bet Cameron will enjoy the playgroup.
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