My 9.5 yr old dd seems to not be maturing at all. She seems to be still at the same level of maturity as she was 4 years ago, except that she has gotten a lot more manipulative. Here is some examples of what I am talking about... and for all I know there may be nothing wrong but I am starting to get worried about her.
1. She tries to get my and DH to do everything for her, like she pretends she can't open a gatoraide bottle or a bottle of water. She pretends she can't pick up a gallon of milk yet she can pick up her friends that weigh 70 lbs.
2. She does things occassionally like Monday she had an accident at school (wet her pants) and was not embarrassed or anything. She didn't care at all. (she hasn't done this in probably 3 years until this one day. There are other things she does that really make me wonder about her development.. she just acts like a toddler a lot of the time.
3. She is manipulative like... Last night I told her to go take a shower and she went into her bathroom and was in there for about 20+ min and came out with only the tips of her hair wet and said it had dried when in reality (she fessed up later) she had not taken a shower at all.
4. She is VERY affectionate with EVERYONE. I mean she would hug anyone that will hug her all the time. Example is... She takes gymnastics and her instructor is male (he is about 23 or so) and she tries to hang on him all the time and it really makes him uncomfortable. I talk to her but she just doesn't understand why that would bother anyone and I can't seem to get anything through to her about this.

A little history is that her father and I split up when she was very young and I am remarried now. I was a single mom for a good portion of her life. I also work full time and have since she was 6 weeks old. But we spend a lot of time together in the evenings and on the weekends.

I really don't know if any of this is normal or if I need to take her somewhere. But I can tell you as long as I make her do her homework (because she doesn't do anything on her own) she makes straight As and is extremely smart.

Help!!!!

By Mommmie on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 12:07 pm:

You might want to think about an getting an evaluation done just to see if it's anything. There could be some developmental issues, some cognitive issues and/or emotional issues (or not!).

By Tink on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 01:00 pm:

My oldest is 8yo and I would say that in some ways she's a little immature (or naive might be a better word). She's very trusting and affectionate, willing to play with her younger brothers, sisters and cousins a lot of the time, and doesn't like to push beyond her comfort level most of the time. With all of that said, I think your dd sounds like she's not quite at the same maturity level as her peers. Have you spoken to her teacher this year or last about it? Many times teachers will pick up on things but aren't able to bring it to a parent's attention. They may have noticed a lack of maturity on her part. An evaluation won't hurt anything and will either put your fears to rest or will give you some idea of where things need to be worked on and some strategies. Many VERY smart kids are emotionally or developmentally immature and don't come into their true selves until later than their peers.

Good luck! I think it's great that you're aware of this and willing to face that an issue might be developing. {{{Anon and DD}}}

By Anonymous on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 01:14 pm:

What kind of an evaluation would you suggest? And for that matter how do you go about finding a place to have it done?
I will also try to talk to her teachers and ask them if they have noticed things.
As far as playing with others when we are around friends that have younger and older children she would rather play with the younger children.
The comfort zone thing is VERY much a big part of her problem, she has a very hard time dealing with changes and trying anything new, even new food or different kinds of clothes.
Thank y'all so much for the support and ideas.

By Tink on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 01:32 pm:

Is your dd in public school? If you speak to the counselor or vice principal there, they should be able to send you in the right direction for a developmental evaluation. If not, you can speak with her pediatrician about it and ask where he or she would suggest you go for an evaluation. Some universities offer the evaluations. In our area, the regional center does it through one of the hospitals. I'm not sure what the evaluation will entail but she'll probably spend some time with a psychologist and will be observed while playing. You'll be asked to fill out an extensive questionnaire and the psych will probably want to speak with you for a while, too. Since my ds's evaluation was specifically for autism, I don't know which parts of his evaluation would be done with your dd but I'm sure that some of the other moms here can fill you in.

By Amecmom on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 02:19 pm:

I've been doing a lot of reasearch about different ways sensory integration disorder can manifest itself. Make sure they do an eval for that.
Ame

By Anonymous on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 02:45 pm:

okay dumb question.. what is sensory integration disorder? I have never heard of that. And my DD is in public school, so I will talk to her counselor.
thank you.

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 05:16 pm:

Sensory Integration Dysfunction

Here's one article. There are a lot of links if you search on google. Their brains can't process all the information correctly. It manifests itself in many different ways.

By Zoie on Saturday, May 6, 2006 - 08:29 am:

A sensory "needer" often will try to get other people to do EVERYTHING for them, AND that would also totally explain the hanging on everybody all the time. It wouldn't explain the accident, but you said that was just a one time thing. The hair thing isn't necessarily huge either, and if that was a one-time thing, as well, she might have just been being silly (normal), or she might not have wanted her hair or head to get wet (sensory), or she might have wanted YOU to wash it for her (possible sensory as well).

If she's a straight A student, I wouldn't bother with a developmental/cognitive evaluation. Cognition is obviously there. It would be a psych evaluation that you would want if you suspect emotional problems. You want an occupational therapy evaluation if you think it's sensory integration. You may be able to get the school to provide both. That will depend on your school system... good luck.

By Paulas on Saturday, May 6, 2006 - 12:19 pm:

My 9.5 tries to avoid showers like the plague so I wouldn't worry about that one either. Also, when she does something she's knows is wrong she will lie about (I've been here complaining about that many times).

She will also dribble in her pants sometimes too.

How is she developing physically? It could be that her hormones are in overdrive. I know my DD (turns 10 the end of June) has developed breasts and pubic hair. I think hormones are playing a big part in her behaviour lately.

Certainly talk to her teachers. If a full evaluation isn't in order, ask for a sensory screening questionaire. It has some questions that will point you in the right direction and they may point you toward an occupational therapist.

By Dawnk777 on Saturday, May 6, 2006 - 01:25 pm:

Certainly my youngest tried avoiding showers until she was about 12. I think that part is normal.

By Tripletmom on Saturday, May 6, 2006 - 05:17 pm:

Ditto Paulas: The shower and the lie can be the norm for some children.Has this behaviour started not long after you were married.Is she trying to get a baby stage back with 2 parents?Does she feel you're new husband is taking you away from her?If she's not getting enough one on one attention, some kids will do anything to get it good/bad.Does she miss the way things were before you got married?I'd try just having some time with her and let her know theres different kinds of love and nothing could replace the love a mommy has for her.I don't mean to offend you but do you know theres no bad touch going on.I hope you get it figured out(((HUGS)))

By Anonymous on Saturday, May 6, 2006 - 06:59 pm:

I know there is no "bad" touching going on at my house, My husband is not around them alone not because I don't trust him but that is just our schedules. I do have issues with my ex and she goes to his house every other weekend. But hopefully all my fears will be gone ASAP because the issue is not him, it is his step-son (13) and him and his wife are getting a divorce and just seperated in the past few weeks. If there is anything going on I am not aware of it. My mother has wondered about the step son for a couple of months because she acts really weird when anyone says anything about him, but my other daughter (older) says that nothing goes on when she is awake and they all used to sleep in the same room (which is why it ever bothered me and I told my ex I would stop letting them come see him if it didn't stop, so he had the girls lie to me about it for a while). My other thing is that she was the baby until about 2 years ago when her father had a son with his current wife (soon to be ex).
I have talked to the school counselor and she has been absolutely NO help, I don't know if it is that she is busy with other kids or what but she pretty much blew me off.
I talked to her teacher and she said that she seemed pretty immature for her grade and that she is the most irresponsible kid in her class right now (and one of the oldest). I am going to call her Dr next week and see if she has any suggestions on a psych eval and what she thinks about he sensory eval.
All of your comments and thoughts are greatly appreciated. At this point I am extremely frustrated with the whole issue.

By Tripletmom on Saturday, May 6, 2006 - 08:00 pm:

I was molested and acted out in some of the same ways.Instead of talking to you're other DD why not talk to her.People who do things wrong to kids are very manipulative and sometimes make threats.Sit down with you're DD and talk again about good/bad touch and explain to her that people who tell her not to tell anybody are the ones that are bad.The person who molested me was also a member of the family and made it ackward for me to be around them.My mother never took care of the situation and it made me feel that I did something wrong and it was something not to be talked about.Usually our gut feelings are true and I would follow you're mom's instincts.I'm sorry if I'm wrong but it does happen in familys all the time but people don't like to think about it.

By Anonymous on Sunday, May 7, 2006 - 12:55 am:

Thanks for the advice about that. I will try to talk to my DD when she gets back from her dad's tomorrow and see what she says. The step brother won't be around this weekend. Thank you sooo much.

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, May 7, 2006 - 07:24 am:

I share Sherri's concerns. It may well be that something inappropriate is going on at her father's house. It is so wrong to get children to lie to a parent, and your ex was, of course, very much out of line. And, given the ages of the children, the stepson should not have been sleeping in the same room.

I think talking to your daughter's doctor and getting a line on a counseling resource would be a very good idea. If it is the sensory issue, that needs diagnosis and treatment recommendations. If it is anything else, counseling is the best way to find that out.

You said you talked to the school counselor. Did you ask for a diagnostic appointment for the sensory issue? Did you raise the possibility that there may be something inappropriate going on at her father's house? Either way, the counselor was totally out of line, unprofessional, in violation of the ethics code for counselors (which I am familiar with because that was an issue in a lawsuit at my former firm), and may be in violation of his/her job description and responsibilities.

And, I believe that in almost every state, if an issue of possible abuse is raised with a teacher, counselor, or other person in a position of authority with children, they are required by law to report it. What I am saying is that the counselor behaved wrongly in many ways.