3 year old gripe
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Yet another one.
I got to the point where I sat down last night and told DH that i'm at a complete loss. I don't know what to do with her. She gets in trouble from the minute she wakes up with her morning attitude to the time she goes to bed at night sneaking out to play and every 5 minutes in between it seems. I literally do nothing but yell all day and put her in time out. It's not working. I need a new approach but I don't know what and I don't know how to keep my cool anymore. I find myself crying at night because i'm at such a loss and I feel like were just going down, down, down. There has been NO improvement over the last 2 months, when this all began. I really hope this is just a stage because at this point I feel like a complete failure because I see no improvement and my patience has completely run out. There have been nights where DH gets home and I tell DD to just stay away from me for the rest of the night because i'm so sick of her. Do I mean it? Of course not but at that point I feel like I could just go in a room and scream and cry because she frustrates me. I've tried talking nicely but it basically comes down to asking nicely three times and her ignoring me and then me yelling and her acknowledging me right away. She knows when she's going to get in trouble before it even happens and she recognizes that what she's doing is wrong. I know I need a lot more patience but I honestly don't know where to get it from. I have none left in me whatsoever. What do I do in this situation?
Theres a wonderful web site Babycenter.com and theres alot on discipline for different ages I love it.Theres alot of positive reenforements.I've actually learened alot.My DD and I both want to be in control.Sometimes when kids feel there losing control they will act out.Let her win some arguments once in awhile and maybe try to give her more choices where she can feel in control.Good luck.It doesn't last forever.We all lose control. Youre human.
I know our natural inclination is to yell and get frustrated when our kids are acting up and we've got no patience left but positive reinforcement can really turn things around if done the right way. Can you sit down with her one night at bedtime and say "We've had some really bad days and you haven't obeyed and I've yelled a lot. I don't want to do that anymore so we're going to try something new." Make up a chart or just put her name on a piece of paper with some bright colors or some cute stickers and then set a timer for 30 minutes. If she obeys you until the timer goes off, she gets a sticker in the box for that time period. If she has ten stickers when Daddy gets home, she gets to ride her bike outside or have a scoop of ice cream or gets to watch a special DVD. If she starts disobeying or acting up (I'm not sure what the problem behavior is), remind her of the stickers and reward but, at all costs, try to stay calm. When I start getting really frustrated with my kids and want to yell, I try to step back emotionally and respond the way I would if they were someone else's children or how I would want someone else to respond to them. It just gives me some mental and emotional distance and lets me see things more objectively. A nice benefit to the positive reinforcement is that it keeps me focused on the positive so I'm less likely to lose my temper.
Good luck, Melissa. I do think it's a stage that most kids go through around 3yo and it's certainly a trying time for anyone, much less a pregnant mom who's not feeling at the top of her game. I hope something helps you two get through this.
My youngest ds ws very active and into everything. It drove me nuts!! Yelling at him only made things worse and made me feel bad. This is what worked for us. If I wanted him to do something, I would get down at his eye level, touch his arm, and tell him what I wanted. I found that he was so "busy" that he really didn't listen to me if I didn't do this. Also, I was very consistant with discipline. I had to be, or he would take advantage. He is 5 and still that way to this day. I made sure that I had lots of activities for us to do together, whether it was reading, taking a walk, doing a craft. If I spend time during the day giving him my undivided attention, he wouldn't get into as much trouble when I had to do something. Also, the last thing I did was give him choices whenever I could. Did he want to put his jacket or shoes on first, did he want a blue or green cup, etc. I found that when I gave him lots of choices when I could, he was more likely to do what he had to, when he didn't have a choice.
I hope things get better soon. I am sure your hormones are a mess and you are tired, that doesn't help. Try and rest when you can, so you have the energy to deal with her when you need to.
Melissa,
I love this website they have tons of info on kids from medical advice to behavioural help.
Here is an article on behaviour:
Kids Health
You'll have to scroll down a bit to see what to do for the 3 to 5 year old group.
It basically echos what Tink said.
I really hope you can turn this around before your new little arrives as the first few months is going to be tough with two small children.
Hugs
Thanks for the advice. I *know* this pregnancy is no help. Besides being completely exhausted lately, I really don't have all the patience I used to have. I know part of her behavior is her fault and my impatience with how I react isn't helping either. It helps me to see the advice you girls give. Sometimes when i'm so frustrated I feel almost blind to parenting, like I can't find a way out of the bad hump. Cori- I do talk to her every night about the day but maybe adding the stickers in to it will help. Next time I have a chance to get out (i'm babysitting this week) i'll take her to pick out stickers.
I just want to echo the others. Tink has great ideas for her to have a visual of her behavior. I have found in my many years of working with kids under 5, typically (not always) when they are getting in trouble a lot they don't have enough to do. Yes she may have 15 toy boxes full of cool things, but seeing them and *doing* are 2 different things. I'm sure you're doing these things, but is she getting enough undivided attention during the day? (as Debbie mentioned) Are you finding creative ways to play with the toys she already has? Are ALL of her play things out for her? I never put all of Natalie's things out and I always did a rotation when I taught little ones. It never failed that when they started "getting into trouble" all the time all of a sudden, it was time for a change! (about 2 weeks in Kindergarten) Is she helping you around the house and feeling like she has important "work" to do that really helps you? What about library visits, and living in CA you probably have great weather to be out and about at all of the cool places there? (I know you're prego right now, so you might not feel like running a marathon! )
Those are just things that I'm thinking of from my experience with 0-5's. I also ditto the others in that yelling and getting angry isn't going to help. (I'm guilty of that as we all are at times.) Is her only punishment a time-out? I also learned in the years that I taught that no discipline method works forever. It's got to be changed and "rotated" so-to-speak just like toys/activities. If time-out isn't working, ditch it. Be very consistent and keep going until you find out what affects her and makes her think "Wait a minute. Don't like that.Hmmm."
Also with the new baby coming, the yelling and your obvious displeasure with her aren't going to help matters. I know it's hard to not be angry sometimes, especially when you're at your wit's end. It's more about tone than volume. If she's hearing your "mad voice" all day believe me she's tuning it out because it's the same old, same old, you know?
Hope any of that helps. I hope you guys can make some changes before the baby comes. Good luck!
Melissa, my dd is three too, so I understand. Here at our house it has been raining for almost two weeks straight, and she and I are at home a lot, so I understand the challenge.
I sure don't have all the answers. I know if I am having a rough day, tired or stressed, Lara picks up on my mood almost immediately, and her behavior seems to mirror my mood. She acts out more, and I don't handle things as well because I'm struggling myself. I have actually stopped myself at times, and held her, and tell her I'm having a rough day. She almost seems relieved to have it out in the open, and I'm aware that my mood is effecting her. So we stop, read a book, cuddle, giggle, anything to change the mood. We both feel better, and it can change the course of the day.
I also figured out that saying "no" to Lara is an invitation for a battle! Not that I never say it. Of course I do, but I try to tell her what she "can" do. So I guess I'm still redirecting her, but I figure she's still learning and young. Okay, yesterday is an example. Her little ponies were hungry. I was busy loading the dishwasher and she decided the ponies needed to eat the new blooms on my potted primroses. I was upset, but tried not to over react. I told her we needed to find something else to feed the ponies. She was aware by my reaction that I was sad about the condition of my plants, but I didn't say much. We gave the ponies dry cereal, instead. Today she is playing again. It's feeding time, and she asked for more cereal. While I was getting a bowl, she came over to me and hugged my leg and said she was sorry she hurt my plants yesterday. I was really surprised she even remembered. We seemed to get over that hurdle. They don't all go as smooth. I just get the feeling, at least with my dd, if I put her on time out for the plants yesterday, that the outcome would not have been as good.
I like Tink's suggestions. I find it works well with Lara. We were having a terrible time getting her to brush her teeth. So she gets a special sticker that my dh or I "hide" somewhere in her room after she brushes. I think she likes looking for the sticker more than the reward itself! We no longer battle every night about her teeth. So in away, it is another form of positive reinforcement.
Hugs to you, Melissa. I know it can be so hard! You are a good, caring mom. It will all work out.
When my kids started acting up, they were bored. So, I tried to keep our days loosely structured. This helped alot. I always gave choices. This helped them feel like they were in charge.
When I was pregnant with DS, DD was only 15 months old. I let her decorate the nursery, make the crib, pick out toys, talk and sing to my tummy, colored pictures to put on the baby's wall, and just let her feel like she was "in charge" and more than a big sister.
Melissa,
I could have written this post when my daughter was 2 and 3! LOL
It is a faze, just remeber you are a good mommy and don't worry, it will all pass!
Take care,
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