I am in desperate need of some step-mom advice in dealing with my teenage step-son who lives with us. He's 14 and lives with us full time and is really pushing my husband and I apart since he moved in with us (July 2005). He plays my husband and I against each other and while I know how teenagers can do that I have a 22 yr old and a 20 yr old), I don't know how far my authority reaches as a step-mom. I don't want to make my husband choose sides with me all the time, but I think he is trying to be the "peacemaker" with his son instead of the father....HELP please!!!

By Karen~moderator on Sunday, March 26, 2006 - 01:12 pm:

BTDT! You need to have a serious discussion with your DH. You need to decide what your rules are as a FAMILY. You should sit down as a family together and discuss the rules. And also the consequences of breaking the rules. Let your DH be the speaker. In my experience it's a very slippery slope with stepkids who are adolescents/teens.

When speaking with your DH before you talk to the kids, you need to agree that all of the kids will show both of you the respect you deserve as their parents. Your DH needs to realize that he needs to step up as a parent, and as your partner, and be less concerned about being a friend to the kids. Many times, guilt is a huge factor in parents who do this. BTDT as well.

It needs to be made perfectly clear to the kids that neither of you will be played against the other. (I'm assuming the 12 y/o and 14 y/o both live with you?) They should be treated the same. The rules of your household should extend to any kids who live with you. Other rules should be age-appropriate for the kids.

You have to have consequences, and you have to stick to them. Family counseling may help also. I don't know the circumstances around which your DSS came to live with your and your DH, but he could well be having issues of his own that he needs help dealing with. It's normal for kids of divorce and remarriage to feel confused, jealous, angry, resentful, insecure, etc. Often the stepkids feel threatened that someone else is taking their *real* mom or dad's place. He needs reassurance that he is loved, but he also needs to understand that he is a part of your family and has to live by your family rules.

If you want to email me, my email is in my profile.

Raising teens, as you know, is very difficult at times under the best of circumstances. Raising stepkids who are teens poses a whole new set of challenges. Changes don't occur overnight. You will all probably have to do a bit of compromising. There is so much that can be said here, there's no way I can say everything that's popping into my head right now.

Another thing - kids who feel they are not getting attention often will do anything to get it, even if it's by negative means. Something that might help is to focus on the positive things he does and recognize him for those and give him support and praise for them.

But - any changes have to start with you and your DH - and it's first up to the two of you to become a united front.

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, March 26, 2006 - 01:21 pm:

First, you and your husband need to have a long talk and agree on what the rules are. Second, as Karen says, you have to be a united front. that means if you lay down the law, dh backs you up. If dh lays down the law, or allows a privilege, you back up dh. Third, a father should not be a buddy to a child - he is a father, which means an authority figure. If your dh is trying to be a buddy to his son, or a pal, or a friend, then he is setting himself up for trouble when he tries to be a parent.

DH should stop and think. This boy is 14. In 4 years he will be going away to college, and probably only visit or spend breaks or vacations with you until he graduates, and then he is out on his own. And you and dh will still - I hope and you hope - be living together. Your dh needs to think about taking a long-term view.

Several years ago I saw a woman reading "Stepparenting for Dummies" on the train. She said she found it very helpful.

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, March 26, 2006 - 01:23 pm:

For what it's worth, as you know, teenagers do this even in a family where neither parent is a stepparent. Your dh should talk to some friends with teenage children and get a better handle on the kinds of things teenagers do.

By Conni on Sunday, March 26, 2006 - 02:28 pm:

We had a 15 yo that came too visit us on weekends, holidays and other breaks... When he turned 16 he never wanted to come anymore because he had his license and wanted to run around with his friends on the weekend. He and my dh caused alot of problems for a time. Dh was so use to being the *fun* weekend Dad. He never saw that his ds was being disrespectful, sarcastic, rude, a slob, etc... I started to point it out and it caused issues for dh and I for a short time. I quit bringing it up and became thankful he didnt live with us full time!! I know it sounds horrible but he was an only child and had really been raised to think that everyone OWED him because his Dad *left* him when he was younger. His Mom was real good at making dh feel guilty about everything. There were times when I thought I wasnt willing to put up with it anymore. I was miserable and trying to raise my own kids. This same stepson has since cost us ALOT of money due to hi being irresponsible. (sank a jet ski, crashed a brand new boat, got someone drunk and they fell down a rocky hill- everything was bloody, I could go on and on and on about stupid things he did. He is going to be 24 soon and still has not finished college, finally got a full time job with benefits in the last couple of months (after complaing that his Dad took him off his ins at 23???)... I really could go on but I wont. My point in telling you this is maybe your dh needs to read it. If you go easy on your kid and try to make him think you are the good guy well, they wont resapect you like they should and they wont be learning any responibilty!!!! You want this young man to be a MAN not an immature brat when he is in his 20's. Your dh needs to step up now and be firm with this young man. This young man needs to understand he is too abide by whatever rules you and dh agree on. Your dh has to step up and the disciplinarian for his child it cant be you- because that isnt fair and it wont help you and the dss get along...

I have a ds that will be 14 in June- he has really started with some smart mouthing and we are working to nip it in the bud. The problem is that he has no respect for the person he is mouthing off too and thats a whole other post. LOL I have actually been having him live at his Dads as much as possible lately because a) thats what he wanted and b) its good for his Dad to be more than just the weekend fun guy and c) it means my life is a little less stressful... aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh lol These boys really do need a GOOD MALE role model too teach them to be a MAN not a brat.

Thats all jmo...

Good luck and big (((((HUGS)))))) !!

By Kernkate on Monday, March 27, 2006 - 09:24 am:

I have also BTDT with 2 step-children. Still going thru it with DSD who is 22. Karen, Ginny and Conni all gave great advice!
Best of luck and {{{Hugs}}} It tough being a step-mom.