and I just wanted to share in case anyone else is going through what we are going through these days. I emailed a local "parenting expert" if there is such a thing and she replied within 20 mins of my email.

Here's my email first then her response:


Dear Alyson,

Help, I'm at my wits end. I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old baby.

When my 2 year old boy is upset he screams at the top of his lungs. It's a short high pitched scream that could shatter glass. I think
he actually damanaged my hearing one day as my ear was at his level. He also throws whatever is close at hand at me or just in general. If these strategies don't work he will bang his head on the floor.

It's driving me crazy and I don't know how to handle it and I'm not coping well these days (sleep deprviation, another topic). I just
put him up in his bedroom and strongly advised that he should NOT slam the bedroom door.

I know some people will say that this is typical 2 year old behaviour but my instincts tell me that it just doesn't have to be this way, but I don't have the skills to make it better.

Please could you help? I just need some good advice on how to handle these tantrums in a loving and respective way. I hate marching him
up to his room and leaving him there to cry, it's not working for either of us.

Thanks Alyson, I really hope to hear back from you.

Thanks again,

Best regards,

Cori

Here is her response:

Hello Cori,

There are things to do here! He is in power struggles with you. These behaviours no doubt happen as a result of something you do that makes him feel you are being controlling in some way (in his perception) and this is his way to get back at you or defeat you. Think of what happens BEFORE he does this,???? Can you find a
pattern? Is it always when you say "no" or something.?

1) the screaming - believe it or not, I want you to ignore this... I mean REALLY REALLY ignore it as if you are deaf. Toddlers of parents who are deaf don't cry and scream, they bang things to make vibrations to irritate their parents. He knows the screaming drives you crazy so it will take a while to convince him others wise by
your ignoring it. Don't flinch, don't cover your ears, don't change your mood or behaviour, simply IGNORE.

2) throwing things. Instead of a time out, move yourself out. Say - "I don't feel safe when you throw things" "can you calm yourself? or do I need to go? Then if he throws something again, say " I guess I need to go - when your calm I'll be back" and then leave the room. If he follows you screaming, go to the bathroom, and say "When your calm I'll come out" and then close the door and stay there until he calms down /stops screaming. The idea is - you can't move him to time out if he is into power, because he feels you are in control of his timeout and he rebels against that. And frankly, it is not working, so
instead move you!

I hope this helps...

The other BIG idea is to encourage him TONS. He is discouraged and he needs to feel you love him and value him (esp with a new baby). I recommend that since he is seeking power, help him find it in good ways: namely BEING CAPABLE... Get him HELPING.... Putting away groceries, tearing lettuce for salad, vacuuming, folding laundry,
show him how to clean a mirror, make a bed, He is ready to do more and become responsible and capable!

Good luck!

Take care,

Alyson

By Pamt on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 04:54 pm:

Good advice!

By Mrsheidi on Saturday, March 25, 2006 - 08:11 pm:

That WAS good advice! I had to remove myself today from Connor and it was like night and day how his behavior changed!
I just read the book "Love and Logic for Early Childhood". Bought it on amazon.com and LOVED it. It had some more suggestions along these lines.

And, I admire you and the way you seek help. Most mothers don't and it affects the kids in the long run!
You are such a great mommy, Coral!

By Dawnk777 on Sunday, March 26, 2006 - 09:16 am:

That does sound like good advice!