I'm really needing someone to share with or give me advice. I have a 12yo who we adopted 10yrs ago and we have been doing foster care for three years now. Currently, we have an 11mo foster daughter that we have had since she was 4 days old. Transition time is coming up fast and she could be going home to mom as soon as April. Out of all the children we have helped, she will be the hardest to let go. Also, I'm wondering if our agency is treating us right or just using us as a doormat. For some reason, my little girl's mom was given Saturday visits right off the bat, which is rare. At first, it was every other Saturday, which was fine, then it went to every Saturday for two hours, now it is every Sat. for 4 hours. We are up at 6:30 every Sat. morning to get ready, we have to leave our house at 7:45 am to be at the visitation location by 8:30 and then try to find something to do while we are waiting to pick her up at 12:30pm. I really did not want to do Saturdays because I felt it was unfair to my family, and it is a 65 mile round trip, but they gave me no choice, and even mentioned that the supervisor might not like me turning down Saturdays and may try to move the baby to someone who will do it knowing full well we were emotionally invested. I felt like it was almost a threat. After all this, I just don't know if I want to keep doing foster care. I feel very conflicted. On one hand, I'm more than glad to do for the children, but on the other hand, I feel like a doormat. My husband is only off every other weekend and that was another reason I didn't want to do Sats. because now I don't return home until 1:30 and I'm exhausted. Am I just being selfish?

By Feona on Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 07:34 am:

My sister in law did foster care for a few years and adopted the two speical needs boys (brothers). They didn't want to do the foster care anymore either. It is hard. I don't know what to say but I can understand how hard it must be with a baby. They are easy to fall in love with.

I know someone who did the foster care with an infant. They were hoping to adopt the baby. The father all of a sudden appeared out of the blue wanting to adopt. I don' t know the full story but 25,000 dollars of legal bills later and court they kept the baby boy. He is doing well.. I don't know the full story so I can't comment.

By Sandysmom on Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 07:58 am:

Feona, you are so sweet to comment. I think maybe it would be a good idea to remove me from Momsview. My intro was only responded by two people, and looking at the others, they had tons of responses. And you are the only one who responded to this one. I just don't feel like I really belong. Maybe it was the topic of the post that turned people away. Anyway, thank you & the others who responded.

By Alberobello on Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 08:06 am:

Sandy, I am sure is nothing personal, i have had loads of posts without responses. Sometimes you just have to wait and then you will get responses. If you don't see any responses try to bump it up to the top.

You only posted this yesterday so give it a few more days. There are lots of nice ladies here that could give you some advice but on weekends the board is quieter than during the week. I'm sure that by tomorrow you'll have more replies.

I don't have any advice but it sounds like a complex situation. Many hugs to you and good luck .

By Debbie on Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 08:11 am:

First of all, welcome to the board Sandy. Please, don't be so hasty to leave. Fridays and the weekend are much slower on the board. You will not get as many responses to a post. I know that, I personally, post more during the week. I am busy on the weekends, with my boys and dh home. I usually just have time to pop in first thing in the morning, and I may have time to just respond to one or two posts. I read yours yesterday, but didn't respond because I don't know anything about being a foster parents.

I know there are a few moms on the board who are/have been foster parents. They probably haven't seen your post yet. I know that one of them is gone on vacation this week. If you wait a little, I am sure you will get more responses.

By Amyk on Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 08:11 am:

Hi Sandy -

I think it is amazing that you are fostering that baby - and it must be really hard knowing that you will have to part at some point. I have no advice - but you have my admiration.

By Karen~moderator on Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 09:14 am:

Sandy, Marcia fosters kids, but she is on vacation right now.

On another note, you really can't take the response to just one or two posts that personally. The weekends are ESPECIALLY slow, all of the time, and very little is posted on the boards in comparison to the weekdays.

As for the Welcome board, a lot of us, myself included, don't always read that board. Speaking for myself, I am normally checking on other areas of the board. So welcome to the board.

By Dawnk777 on Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 09:18 am:

I would hate giving up half of my Saturdays like that, every weekend! Saturdays are often the only day, that we don't have something planned, so we get to sleep late. Having to get up at 6:30 and not get home until 1:30pm every weekend would really get to be a drag.

I have no advice for you, though, since I have never been a foster parent. It's got to be hard, emotionally.

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 10:04 am:

I don't think you're being selfish at all, Sandy. If anyone should travel, it seems to me the biological mom should travel to a place of your convenience. But, it may be that Saturday is the day because the biomom is working Mon-Fri, and it is important that she keep a job if she is to show she is responsible enough to get her child returned to her.

Of course you're emotionally invested. I learned several years ago that I could not possibly do foster care, when I took in a friend's child for a month while she spent every day at the hospital with her other child, who was in intensive care. It broke my heart to send him back to his family, even knowing that they were a loving and good family and that I was just helping out in an emergency. I cannot imagine ever again taking a child into my home knowing I would have to give the child up.

For your wanting to be removed - yes, weekends are very slow times on the board, as most of the members are busy with children and family things. I read 11 hours between your first and second posts, which is not a whole lot of time when you are thinking about people with very full lives away from the MV board.

Of course, you have to decide what you want to do. I do think you can find a lot of support and help/advice here, but, as others have said, a lot of people don't go to posts where they feel they have nothing to offer, and, as you know, people willing to be foster parents are a rare breed.

By Sandysmom on Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 11:01 am:

I'm sorry ladies. I shouldn't have been so hasty. I actually have been an emotional wreck lately and I'm sure it was just my emotions talking. I'm am humbled by your kind responses. I will stay on and thank you for understanding. Being a sahm is sometimes very lonely and in this situation it is particularly hard. Thanks so much.

By Missbookworm on Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 12:08 pm:

Sandy I can relate. It's been years since I first started here and in the beginning I felt exactly the way you do! Give it time sweety. I don't often get to the new moms portion of the board at all. I'm so busy all the time.

I understand too how lonely being a stay at home mom can be. That's why we're here! Once we all start to know you and you post more often it will get better. I'm glad you're going to give it some time.

I've never done foster care but I can imagine how hard this is. I really admire what you're doing. ((((((((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))))))

By Beth on Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 01:41 pm:

I use to work in foster care. I was the caseworker. I never had Sat visits. I think that Ginny is right and this is probably the mom's work schedule. But as someone else said why can't she drive to you? I think you are probably stuck with it for now unless you want the baby moved but in the future if they want to place a child with you I would let them know your expectations up front. They should handle it more tactfully. There is just such a push to reunite kids and birth parents I guess they will do anything necessary. As we all know sometimes to the detriment of the child. You are giving this little girl a good start in life. Hopefully this mom can get herself together. I know this has to be hard on your whole family. Good Luck!!

By Nicki on Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 01:54 pm:

Hello Sandy, and welcome to Momsview! I have one daughter, Lara. I too am a SAHM, and I can relate to the loneliness. I had a rough time this week, and I was trying to figure out why I am feeling so anxious. I realized I haven't been out of the house all week with Lara. My husband has been especially busy, and we have only one car at this time. I am so grateful to MV because I can still get here everyday! Please don't leave yet, this is a great place, Sandy. It just takes a little time. I can only imagine how you must be feeling about your youngest foster child. I am having a hard time thinking about sending Lara to school soon and letting "go". I know there is no comparison, just know my heart goes out to you.
Hugs to you, Sandy, and welcome!
Nicki

By Tripletmom on Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 07:57 pm:

Hi Sandy- I read youre post but didnt know how to respond because I know nothing about doing foster care. I'm sorry you felt more alone because nobody responded.You are a wonderful person to take on such a huge responsibility. There are few people like you. Most people today only want to raise there own.Kudos to you for making a difference in a little girls life.I admire you

By Annie2 on Sunday, March 12, 2006 - 09:45 pm:

Hi Sandy, I read your post, too but didn't respond because i have never done foster care nor do I personally know anyone who has.

Welcom to momsview. I am also a SAHM mom and enjoy coming here for the chance to "talk" with other moms.

By Marcia on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 01:52 pm:

Hi Sandy,
I'm a specialized care foster mom. We have 2 foster kids who live with permanently. They both have special needs. We chose this type of fostering because I knew I wouldn't be able to say good bye. Sadly I've had to say good bye to 2 of my kids because they died, which was something I never imagined when getting into this. My heart has been broken a couple of times, but I know that I made a big difference in their lives, but they made a bigger difference in mine. I will do it until I am no longer able to.

The kids I have visit their birth families regularly. They will never go back to them, because that's the choice the families made. They felt they were unable to parent full time, so chose a foster situation as opposed to a group home. They come to pick their kids up, and they drop them back off. It's not always convenient for me, but it's part of the job.

I am going to make some assumptions, because the baby you are caring for was removed from the birth mom's care. Maybe she doesn't have transportation to pick her baby up. If she doesn't, and this is the time the worker has set up, the worker should help her to get there. The visits could take place somewhere near you, or even at your place. When we were adopting our now 9 year old, we did the traveling to visit her. We took her out around where she lived, or visited at the foster home. The worker was available to help out if needed. Perhaps they chose that time so that it wouldn't mess up the middle of your day. Babies are typically up early, so they would assume you weren't sleeping in. As Ginny said, mom is probably working, so a weekday visit would not be possible. An evening visit wouldn't work because there aren't enough evening hours after work and travel. The increased visits would have to happen if she's going to be going home. That's in the baby's best interest, and it's giving mom and the worker time to see if she can do it.

Sorry you're going through all of this. It really is a very emotional job!

By Tayjar on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 05:16 pm:

Hi, Sandy. I also read your post but didn't respond as I have no experience being a foster parent.

Please don't let the lack of response bother you. I personally don't read much or respond much on the weekends. I tend to read more when I'm at work.

Welcome to the group. I admire you for doing foster care.

By Sandysmom on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 10:32 pm:

Thank you everyone for your responses!! Love to you all!.

Marcia, I'm very glad to have another fm's point of view. I have to admit, I was really hoping this would turn out to be an adoption. I realize that we did not accept her under the assumption that we were going to adopt her, but we just love her so much. I'm glad for her mom to be doing so well, however, here are some of my concerns. 1. She is in her late thirties. I know everyone is at a different place in their lives and I'm not judging her as much as I'm wondering if at that age, she may be capable of "getting clean" but that still doesn't mean she'll make bad choices about everything else. And again, I am trying to be very careful not to sound holier-than-thou, because, God knows I am not perfect, but I hope you know what I am trying to say. 2. I was really given no real choice as to the driving arraingements. I suggested that we meet half way, and though they said they would approve that, they really just prodded me until I gave in. I felt that it was only fair that mom share in the burden of driving, rather than having the convenience of having the baby dropped in her lap every Sat. And going half way would at least have given my family more freedom to make plans and "have a life". 3. I realize that some flexibility is needed in order to convenience mom, but in this case, it has just been overboard convenience.

I know I probably sound like I shouldn't be doing f/c and I really am not a selfish person. I get the feeling that this is something our agency is going to start requiring from their f/families more and more, and I'm afraid that they will start burning some bridges with their f/families because everyone I've talked to that has children along with foster children has stated that they wouldn't be doing what we are doing. As for my family, this precious baby might just be our last placement, which is a shame because we love children so much. Thankfully, my daughter doesn't have any Sat. sport activities going on at this time, because if that were the case, I don't know what we would've done. Anyway, we are still praying about it. I'm sorry this is so long. BTW the visitation caseworker is coming a good distance so that didn't work geographically, but the baby's caseworker, wasn't willing to help out with transportation.

By Sandysmom on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 10:34 pm:

Also, mom does have a car of her own, so driving wouldn't have been a big deal.

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 09:41 am:

If mom has a car, then of course, she should be driving to you or some place near you.

I know there is a unspoken warning that if you make waves the supervisor might take this baby away from you, but on the other hand, you know she will probaby be going back to her mother soon anyhow. If it were me, I might risk speaking to the supervisor about having the mom do the traveling instead of you and your family.

By Sandysmom on Tuesday, March 14, 2006 - 11:31 pm:

I am determined to enjoy every day I have with this baby. The term, "Let go & Let God" is not as easy as it sounds, but I will try to make that commitment each day, and not just with this situation. The caseworker is coming out tomorrow for her monthly visit, and I'd rather have my other monthly visitor come if you know what I mean. At this point it is just a necessary evil, and to tell you the truth, I'd rather just do what I have to do and not have to check in with anyone. I'll have to commit to "Let go & Let God" extra tomorrow.

By 2ofeach on Tuesday, April 4, 2006 - 11:03 pm:

dear sanysmom, This is a little late but I'm new to momsview, this may not be as issue anymore but here's my 2 cents. I was an emergency foster mom for a year. Inconveniences are definately a part of the job BUT, sometimes there is a power issue with some social workers. I truly understand the bond you have with this baby girl, we had a little girl for over 7 months (which should have been less that 30days). you are emotionally attached and the agency, knowingly or not, seems to be taking advantage. When i did efc, there were people hired especially for transporting children to and from visits, or other appointments when neccessary, I don't know if that is available where you are. meanwhile, you are providing the most important foundation for that little darling baby, she will be forever changed by your love, I have tears thinking of it now. may God be with you and your family every day no matter what has happened since your initial post you have loved in a way few ever have the chance to experience. The foster system is frustrating at best, I still wonder what I could have done to make it better. One thing will never change, the need for loving families such as yours to share their homes and heart with children. Thanks for your bravery.
t

By Sandysmom on Wednesday, April 5, 2006 - 08:58 am:

Theresa, how sweet of you post! And thanks for your encouragement. I've been doing foster care for three years and I have never had to do visits on a Saturday. I guess that is why I was so taken aback. I am over it now and I truly feel blessed to be able to do what I do. I was just shocked at how easily they volunteered our time without asking first, and offering no transportation help on top of that. (it was a 64 mile round trip) Anyway, dd's biological mom has recently been sentenced to jail time and visitations have ceased as of last weekend. We do not know what will happen now, but we would like to adopt her. (Please say a prayer) Also, even though it was an inconvenience to have visits on a Saturday, we realize this may have been God's way of allowing dd's mom to have good quality time with her and looking back, we are glad to have given that to her. We were shocked that she went to jail because she really worked hard to rehabilitate herself, and she was such a nice person. I feel selfish now for having complained in the first place.

BTW, please call me Sandy. I use "Sandysmom" as my name on this site because my 12yo's name is Sandy too. She was given that name at birth by her bio-mom. We didn't have her until 20 months old and adopted her at 2 & 1/2 years old. Everyone thinks we named her that, but we didn't! Wierd, huh?!! Have a great day and welcome to the site!!

By 2ofeach on Wednesday, April 5, 2006 - 04:37 pm:

Sandy, I am glad to hear things are getting better for you and your family, I know how tough it can be. Yes, God works in mysterious ways, I'll keep you in our prayers about the adoption and the birth mom too. We are blessed with three adopted children ourselves! That is incredible about your names both being Sandy! I love to hear how God works in peoples lives like that! Best to you all!!
t