Preschool Teachers, Please Weigh In
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Okay, DD turned five in November and is in PreK. She has never done daycare or any other preschool program, this is her very first attempt. The first month was fine, then she started to not want to go. About two or three times a month when I take her she clings and cries. I can't peel her off of me. If talking to her and trying to engage her in activities doesn't work, I just take her home. She's usually fine the next day. Her teacher is tired of me and tired of DD. She's not being particularly gentle or compassionate, she is just acting annoyed. Today she said she's going to have to start taking parts of her craft projects home to finish because she is missing freeplay and during freeplay they sometimes have to start their craft projects. Okay, first of all, freeplay is supposed to be FREEPLAY! She said they don't have enough time in the day to do everything so they get pulled individually from freetime to color stuff or cut stuff out, etc. So she told me about her having to now take things home in a very exasperated voice. Today DD clung and cried and after half an hour she agreed to go with the assistant teacher and I left. They didn't need to call me back like they sometimes do, she stayed the rest of the time just fine. It's Monday thru Thursday for 2.5 hours.
I realize how frustrating it must be for the teachers, which is why I take her in the hall to talk to her and try and reason with her, I NEVER do it in the classroom as I don't want to be a disruption nor do I want DD to fuel any other child's fears or separation anxieties. I deal with the entire thing myself, with the two teachers occasionally appearing to try and entice DD. Other than that, the teachers are NOT disrupted from their class. Again, I realize DD not going to school causes her to get behind in things, but this is preK so there really isn't anything she NEEDS to finish or catch up on. The assistant teacher is nice about it and says her children were the same way. The main teacher is not tolerant and admitted her own children were never like that so she has never had to approach it from a mother's angle, just the teacher angle.
Okay, do I pull her out?? She's frustrating me, too, of course, and the teacher. It's March and she STILL doesn't want to go every day, which tells me it's really not going to get better at this point. Should I torture everyone for ten or twelve more weeks?? Should I just take her each morning and if she's happy let her stay and if she wants to come home, bring her home? I'm paying no matter what, so no one is cheated moneywise, it's just the frustration thing on people. Again, the teachers are NOT involved in trying to get her to stay other than minimally. This is because I prefer to handle it and they have the class to deal with, DD shouldn't get special attention, IMO. Not when *I* am there to handle it, anyway. Now, it must be noted that DD will be HOMESCHOOLED next year, so she doesn't HAVE to keep on in PreK to set a precedent for school or anything.
Basically, I have no problem pulling her. If she isn't ready to separate, who cares, she's only five, she has YEARS ahead of her to get comfortable with this. However, MOST days she DOES seem to like it and should I rob her of that just to not annoy the teacher on the days she DOESN'T like it and cries so hard??
Not a teacher, but I am a BTDT parent. 
I am troubled that the teacher is acting annoyed about this. It's a perfectly age appropriate thing to do, and I would think she would have patience for it.
However, as I said, I have BTDT. Peyton started preschool last year and she never wanted me to leave her. I chalked it up to her being three and tried not to worry to much about it.
Well, then she entered Prek this year (same school). She had been so excited to go to school. But she quickly fell back into the "Mommy, don't go" routine and my heart just sank.
I decided to use Eve's suggestion and had her put a marble in the jar every time she left me with a smile on her face. When the jar was full I took her to Toys 'R Us where she picked out a new doll.
My concern was that bribing her would be a temporary fix and I would either have to bribe her for the entire school year or fall back into the old pattern. I was pleasantly surprised when that wasn't the case. Once the habit was broken, she never looked back. It took just a few weeks of *training* and she was fine.
That said, if you are homeschooling her next year and you are not feeling like the teacher is handling it well, I wouldn't feel bad about pulling her out.
I think you need to decide if you think this preschool is important enough to continue or not. If you decide that it is then you need to be committed to a short goodbye and leave with the understanding that your DD stays and you don't pick her up...period. They might have to deal with a few days of crying, but I can assure that they have dealt with it before and then it will all be a distant memory once your DD learns that when she goes to school she stays there. OR...You can decide that you don't care if she goes to preschool or not and take her out since she's going to be homeschooled next year anyway. I really don't think it is fair to the teacher, the class, you, or your DD to keep having this hit-or-miss with preschool each week.
One other thought...
She does have years to get used to it, but when she is homeschooled, what opportunities will she be having on a regular basis to practice that skill? It is important that this cycle be broken now?
I will say from a professional perspective (as a therapist, not a teacher) that it is very hard to work with kids who have a hard time separating. Usually if the kids have a positice and brief goodbye and the parents will trust me with them for about 3 sessions we can break the cycle of difficult leave-taking. I do usually encourage parents to either buy into the idea of being able to separate (for me it's 50 minutes of one-on-one and the parents are encouraged to observe the whole session through a one-way mirror) or put off therapy until that is a reasonable possibility. It is too difficult and I think, confusing to the child, when the parent keeps wanting to rush in and save the day without allowing the child time to acclimate and build trust with me.
If you are homeschooling her when she starts Kindy, why are you sending her to Pre-K? I don't have any experience with this because I didn't send mine to pre-k. DD didn't go to anything before Kindy because she didn't want to. DS went to a Preschool program that was two days a week for three hours each day. He only went because he wanted to.
However, if I were not going to send mine to Kindy, and she was having this much anxiety over going to Pre-K which isn't a necessity even with enrolled Kindy, I would, without a doubt, pull her immediately. But I am purely and solely going on emotion here. That's how I have always raised my kids, from the time they were babies till their present ages. Follow your heart and you can't go wrong.
Oh, and I must add, that I totally agree with Pam. If you are going to leave her in Pre-K, it's an all or nothing thing. She is confused, and she also is learning to use this. She needs to know that once she gets there she has to stay no matter what. Crying doesn't matter. And once you get to the door. Be loving, but firm. Love you. Kiss. Have a wonderful day. Mommy loves you and will see you after school. Good-bye. Leave. Really. Don't look back. And Don't come back until time to pick her up. Unless the school calls of course. This is the easiest way for her. Really and truly. And I dealt with this with my little girl through SECOND grade!!! Ugh! But after a few minutes, she was fine.
And I have sent my little boy onto the bus crying in the morning twice this year. My heart has been breaking, and my dd has been ready to kill me she has been so mad at me, but I know that as soon as that bus pulls out, he will be fine. And guess what, he is. Kids do much better as soon as we are out of the picture.
I'm not a teacher but I'd like to add my two cents. I don't see the point in sending her if she will be homeschooled next year. Join your local homeschool group and begin building relationships there. They may have opportunities for you to be separated from her even if it's just her playing in another room and you chatting with other parents. I'm homeschooling my son this year because of Hurricane Katrina and see lots of benefits. One thing that you absolutely have to do when you homeschool is draw a line in the sand regarding when your child has a choice and when she doesn't. I never liked sending mine away if he was uncomfortable either, I didn't see the need for it. That quickly, and without my noticing, turned into him having a vote on just about everything. I am a firm beliver in children having opinions, being respected and listened to BUT they get very vulnerable and scared when they feel like they are in charge. She needs you to be in charge and decide firmly whether she will go to Pre K or not and then she has to do what you have decided.
I will chime in on the, time to make a decision bit. If you want to keep her in prek, although you aren't disrupting the class, you are feeding this in her. She is very much in charge. I have a pretty firm rule, my kids NEVER win a power struggle, I am the mom. I do have to pick my battles carefully though, I sure hate to have a 2 hour fit over watching cinderella over sleeping beauty..LOL. As Pam said, if you think prek is important, then you need to tell her so, take her, say good bye and drop her off, period. No hanging out waiting to see if she is okay. I promise she will be okay.
On a side note. If you are homeschooling, why did you choose to send her to prek? I considered homeschooling at one time, but when I made the decision to enroll in prek that was part of my changing my mind business. Anyway, just curious.
She's in PreK because she WAS going to go to K, but we recently decided on homeschooling.
Pam, I don't have the benefit of a one way mirror. When this happened for the first time I was unprepared and it took me completely by surprise. The teacher took DD right out of my arms and walked off with her. I was in total shock that she did that as I had not asked her to handle it that way nor had I given her permission. Five minutes later when I looked in she was still crying so I went back in and took her. I couldn't stand the thought of someone taking her from my arms when she was in tears and carrying her away from her mommy. I was furious with the teacher and I'm sure that fuels some of this as well. I really don't trust her to be nice to her if she cries the entire time if I were to leave her on 'one of those mornings'. I trust her when DD is doing fine...but she just isn't gentle and compassionate enough for me. She's not the teacher I signed up for, but at the last minute my original teacher got promoted and I was stuck. Because DD did so well the first month or two I decided everything with the teacher and school would be okay. But then this all started.
No, preschool is not important to me at all. My other DD didn't go at all. I began this DD in it because I had intentions of sending her to K and she had a late birthday so I wanted something for her at her older age. Also, the K she was going to go to was full day (my other DD's was half) and I knew I had to transition her from 24/7 with Mommy to full day at school. So my intentions were good, but then the homeschooling came into play in the last two months. So, while it's not important to me, she does enjoy it most of the time and I never thought to pull her when homeschooling came up, but on these horrible days it's all I can think about.
Well, if it is not important to you, I would pull her. The way the teacher handled it is exactly the way I have always heard was the best way to do it. The briefer the good bye the better and then you really need to go and let the teacher handle it. If she has good days and just a few bad, I am guessing it isn't anything the school is doing at all that is causing your dd stress. It is just that she makes up her mind she doesn't want to go that day and she knows how to get out of it. I also agree that it really isn't fair to the teachers or the rest of the class at this point in the game. Now, if this was still the first few weeks of school, that would be a different story. Since your homeschooling, I would pull her and be done with it.
Ditto, Vicki.
I had to laugh about the teacher saying she was going to have to take home her projects and finish them. LOL That just wouldnt happen- I would tell the teacher not to give her such difficult time consuming crafts. lol
I think you should just pull her.
Ditto Pamt in every way, and many others, too. If it's not important to you, I'd pull her. I just keep wondering why though if it's not important to you that you were sending her in the first place? I'm asking that very respectfully, so I hope it doesn't come off as sarcastic. At one point it must have been important to you, but do you think that now there are problems all of a sudden it isn't as important?
I completely agree with you about ow the teacher handled the first situation of crying with your DD. I taught K for 7 years, had LOTS of crying kiddos the first day or two, and I would NEVER do that! It's completely up to the parents. I make suggestions for helping the process, but that's it. It does sound as if the teacher is not being very compassionate, but on the other hand it has been a while (I'm not sure how long you said she's been going there?) and she's probably just getting frustrated as you are that nothing is changing with your DD. Sometimes when you're getting frustrated (from the teacher's point of view) it's hard to stand back and just say "Ok, my attitude is not helping the situation."
Again, I would pull her and be done with it if it's not important to you.
I was homeschooled almost my whole life. My mom homeschooled me from 4th-10th grade. And I will be the first to tell you...I hated it very much !!! Unless she has a medical condition where she has to be at home I would send her to school. She needs to venture on her own and have friends. Keeping her at home all the time is not going to help her separation issues at all. My mom pulled me out becasue I stayed sick all the time, which is understandable, but I was an only child and I had no friends. Now I look back on my life and I have no good school memories to talk about and was forced to start high school in the 11th grade...which was not a good exprierience for a girl who had been sheltered all her life. This is strickly my opinion...but I don't believe isolating your child from school is a good idea.
I would pull her and put her in a new preschool. I would not just let her stay home at five. (I am werid that way) I would not pay either. The situation isn't working there. Sometimes the teacher is horrible. Alot of teachers are control freaks.
I agree with PamT on the positive and brief goodbye. The pre-school teacher was probably just in teacher mode when she took your daughter. Very rarely a child just eases right into the daycare setting. I do not agree with her having to finish projects at home. I think this may have been her way of telling you that it is important for all of the kids to be there on time and fully participating in order for the day to be productive. I can understand from a teacher and a parent view. And I sympathize with you. But I also had to get used to the brief goodbye and in the end it worked for my dd.
From my experience, when a parent lingers the child just gets worse and worse.
Ultimately it is up to you and what you can handle and feel is right for you and your child.
Your daughter has learned that if she doesn't want to stay that she just has to cry and look miserable. I went through it with my now 3 1/2 year old for almost a year before he found out that I wasn't going to give in.
I've stayed outside his room on days when he is crying and wanting to go home. Usually after about 10 minutes, he's over it and on to something else. However, I've never gone back into the room to take him out so if you stay with this preschool, I'm sure it will take you and your daughter quite a while longer since she's already learned that you will take her home if she cries.
Good luck either way.
Leigh, and I wish I had been homeschooled , because you can go to school and still be friendless and isolated. I certainly know about that.
Our experience with homeschooling in our family doesn't match yours but there's such a lot of diversity in homeschooling and schools that one person's experience isn't always an accurate measure.
I was a Resource Teacher in some daycares before my kids were born. We always took the crying kids from their parents, in a very gentle way, and sat with them to quietly calm them with a book, toy, etc. They normally calmed down shortly after mommy was out of site, and it didn't last more than a few days. Because she's not doing it every day, I would say she's got total control of the situation.
You said that she enjoys school most days. Will she be happy about being pulled out? I think she's old enough for you to tell her that you're going to keep her at home from now on because she's showing you she's not happy about being there. If she really wants to go, and she is in control of the behaviour, she might decide to stop crying so that she can continue to go. I would really stop the back and forth thing right away. It's a waste of your time, and it is very frustrating for everyone involved.
I'm not just speaking as a RT, but also a parent. Two of my 3 cried, and I had to leave them with a teacher to comfort them. I knew they were in good hands or I wouldn't have chosen the school. They survived, and although one of them is still clingy and probably always will be, she has no problem separating.
I just had a bad expierience in homeschooling. I was one of those kids where her mom didn't let her do anything. My mom kept me very isolated,because I was her only child. I feel that being homeschooled made me miss out on alot of things. My mom put me back in school because she remarried and moved away and I didn't wanna go with her. There are some situations where homeschooling is the right choice, but it wasn't for me. Don't get me wrong, high school wasn't that great and I only had a few friends..that most people called weirdo's. Girls wrote bad things about me in the bathroom, but I didn't let it bother me. I still had some good times, my prom was one of them, graduation was another.
K-5 is a really good time for a kid, I got to graduate from K-5 with a little cap and gown. Its good for young kids to make friends and not be cooped up around they're parents. Plus this give mommy and sometimes daddy some freetime to venture out as well.
I am a preschool teacher. Are you really sure you want to hear my opinion?
IMO, you are staying too long at drop-off. It would be best if you said a quick goodbye at the door and didn't even set foot into the classroom or, if it is an option, drop your dd off at carpool. I'm sorry, but you are really not helping by staying and trying to talk your dd into cooperating or trying to engage her in the activities. Most children will stop crying before the parent is even in their car and the clinging/crying/tantrum type behavior at drop-off usually stops entirely within 3 weeks although it could (but doesn't always) briefly reappear off and on throughout the year. You should be called if your child does not calm down within a reasonable amount of time or is inconsolable. Teachers know when to call the parents. We don't like to see your child unhappy any more than you do. The big difference is that, while we feel compassion for the child, the crocodile tears do not make us feel guilt the way they do you.
If your dd seems happy at pick-up most of the time then I wouldn't take her out of the program just yet. There are children who are just not ready, but honestly, by what you've said, you dd doesn't sound like a child who isn't ready, she sounds like a child who has figured out how to manipulate you and the situation.
Some may disagree with me, but I do think that Pre-K is important these days. Maybe not quite as much in your situation since you plan to homeschool, but public schools require children to know more coming in than they did a few years ago. Also, a good preschool is not glorified babysitting, as so many parents think. A lot of what you see going on in a preschool classroom has to do with fine and gross motor skills. It may look like playing or simple crafts, but that torn paper collage your child brings home is helping your child develop the ability to effectively cut with scissors. The play dough your child plays with or the Valentines Day card he/she made with the stickers all over the outside is helping your child learn how to hold a pencil. And on, and on, and on....
I hope I have not come across as a meany because I did not intend to sound that way at all, but I did want to be to-the-point because it seems that your dd's teacher is not effectively communicating with you. I know that leaving your child crying and calling your name is really hard on you and you have my sympathy. Our dks don't like to make things easy on us moms! I had one that walked in the first day without a problem and I had one who was a "cling-on" so I've done it both ways. Please believe me when I tell you that you are not harming her in any way by telling her "good-bye sweetheart, I'll be back in two hours", peeling her off of you, handing her to her teacher and walking out the door. If it makes you feel better you can call the school office when you get back home and ask them to check on your dd and report back to you.
I hope I've helped at least some.
Well stated, Stacy.
I agree with Stacy. I take my 2 year old to pre-k and he cries when I drop him off, but when I come back to pick him up, I ask his teacher how he was and she replies "he stoped crying about a couple of minutes after you left and started playing with the other children."
Wow! They have pre-k for two year olds? I didn't realize that...
Very well said Tunnia.
My Grandma always says "Cryin' never hurts." It hurts us Moms, but isn't going to cause major damage to your dd's psyche.
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