Anyone out there have any tips on how to navigate the choppy waters of this scary topic without the kids hating one parent or the other?

By Feona on Saturday, March 20, 2010 - 11:44 am:

I think the main idea is to stay friends with husband and work through it like adults. The nicer everyone is the better it works out for the kids and the parents.

Hugs,
Feona

By Northcountrymom on Thursday, March 25, 2010 - 12:15 am:

Hi Mommy3,

My separated and divorced friends tell me there is no easy way but that support is essential. No matter what the age of the children no one is untouched by the effects. In some of the New York schools there is support for children whose parents are separated or divorcing called the Banana Splits - maybe it exists where you live. Some churches and synagogues have groups for separated and divorced parents. There is a book called Adult Children of Divorce for older kids. One therapist I know does divorce mediation which seems to help with movement toward civility.

By Mommy3girls on Thursday, March 25, 2010 - 12:03 pm:

I may have to look into the mediation thing. I have heard of Banana splits. We are all still under the same roof and trying to make it work. My oldest DD hates me & has taken her fathers side on this - I don't want anyone to take sides. I refuse to bad mouth their father. So if it's easier for them to hate me - then I guess thats how it will have to be until they get old enough to realize how I'm feeling.

IDK - this is VERY HARD!

By Northcountrymom on Sunday, March 28, 2010 - 04:13 pm:

We love this group called Chapter 9 Couples in Recovery (12 step program for couples or that couples can work together). Don't know where you live but they do have phone meetings (Couples can go on together or if your nervous - alone). Its supposed to be where at least one member of the couple is involved with a 12 step program like Al-Anon etc but we know couples who have used their meetings and their literature (can be ordered or downloaded) whether they are in recovery or not. We love their tools for decent communication in EXTREMELY STRESSFUL TIMES AND TOPICS (sounds like you have a few of those moments together). We have also used it as a tool for family meetings when no one is on the same page and everyone is just aggravated or mean. Really has helped - levels the playing field even for the youngest because everyone has a right to be heard and has to listen.

By Mommy3girls on Monday, March 29, 2010 - 10:25 am:

Thank you so much. WE have an appt for family mediation/counseling this week. We are just going to start with me & the girls first. Then jim & girls next week. Then all of us.

IDK where to go from here - but we are fighting more & more everyday & we never used to fight at all.

By Northcountrymom on Monday, March 29, 2010 - 07:38 pm:

Sounds like a plan.

USA Weekend(that insert that comes in some Sunday papers)this past weekend has on pg.4 in Think Smart an article called "You can make divorce easier on your kids". Dr. Joseph Nowinski has written a book called "The Divorced Child". They quote quite a bit from him. Maybe your local newspaper has extras or the library.

I forgot to mention last time that we have found Marriage Encounter helpful. My theory on all this is that if one tool doesn't work pick up another. Can't have enough marriage helps in our life together.

By Mommy3girls on Tuesday, March 30, 2010 - 01:21 pm:

Thank you so much for the information. We are taking it Day by day and still living under one roof as a family. Can be very awkward at times.... But we are showing a united front for the girls & trying to be civil. He is really hoping I get this "wild hair" out of my behind and come to my senses. I, on the other hand am dreaming about the future and all the possibilities.

By Feonad on Wednesday, March 31, 2010 - 07:58 am:

Sounds like the counseling will be good. Good luck! I am hoping you lose the wild hair too!

By Mommy3girls on Wednesday, March 31, 2010 - 10:38 pm:

Thanks Feona My mom accompanied me tonight. The girls had various commitments - so it was Mom & me! I think it went very well....I enjoyed talking with her to the counselor. I know I felt better when I walked out!

By Feona on Thursday, April 1, 2010 - 08:01 am:

That is good!

By Mommy3girls on Thursday, April 1, 2010 - 02:10 pm:

Now Jim & I are trying to figure out the Easter Break schedule. Our oldest DD is going to Disney with a friend. & He is "Supposed;y" going to take our younger 2 DD's on a little vacation by himself. First time ever. That leaves me free for some time on my own & also maybe a trip back to PA to see my friend.

By Enchens on Thursday, April 1, 2010 - 05:04 pm:

Having free time for oneself can be very good! Oh, the stuff I could do without interruption, like maybe a nice long shower. lol Catching up and spending time with your girl friends is always great, too. Shopping, catching a movie, going out to eat, grabbing some coffee, or just even having time to chat with them is nice. If you are able to go back to PA to see your girl friend, I hope you can enjoy some of those activities with her.

By Feona on Friday, April 2, 2010 - 10:44 am:

Sounds like a nice break!

By Mommy3girls on Sunday, April 4, 2010 - 09:04 pm:

well - we shall see. Now he is begging me to go on the vacation with him.....the whole idea here was for HIM to get some alone time with the girls....now he is expecting me to go. UGH!!! Not that I wouldnt enjoy a nice beach getaway dont get me wrong...but thats not the point with this situation.... here we go again.