Trying to find some balance
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I never realized how hard it can be to be a parent or a SAHM. It's hard to juggle everything. Just recently I realized that I was just "doing" to get by and it was actually making my life more difficult.
I programmed Cameron to sleep in a swing for two reasons, one he was a bit of a fussy baby and two that's what I did with Matthew. I also found I would just put him in something during the day, like a bouncy seat or the saucer etc and I did not interact with him very much because I felt bad for Matthew. I didn't want Matthew to feel hurt or left out and I didn't know how to include him. So I would put Cameron in a seat of some sort and have him close by while I would interact with Matthew. In an attempt to not make Matthew feel bad I think I was neglecting some of Cameron's needs.
At night we put Matthew in his bed to sleep, but because they both go to sleep at the same time, we would keep Cameron downstairs with us and put him in his bouncy seat to sleep, then we would carry him up stairs in his seat and place it in the Pack n Play that is beside the bed. Well little Cameron loves to sleep with his Mommy and dear Mommy is very tired. He would awake at 1 am and into bed with me he would come, DH has been in the guest room for 5 months now. Then Cameron would wake at 3 am, 5 am 6 am 7 am until I just couldn't take it anymore and I would get up for the day. Each time he would wake up I would nurse him. Also during the day every time he would look at me crossed eyed I would nurse him.
I had such serious anxiety last week from lack of sleep (I was only sleeping about 4 hours a night for the past 5 months) that I had to go and see my doctor. I was worried that I was starting to suffer from depression and I really wanted to nip this problem in the bud. He said I was nursing Cameron way too often and suggested that I put him on cereal (one feeding per day) and buy some ear plugs. 
So now we are trying to develop a schedule, I try to hold Cameron off to nurse every 3 hours (will work it up to 4 hours over time). I put him in his crib for his morning nap, he only slept 1/2 hour, but that's ok, this afternoon I put him in his swing but I didn't turn it on and again he only slept 1/2 hour. Now he's down for another nap in his swing as Matthew is sleeping upstairs and I don't want Cameron to wake him up. I also have to work on getting him out of my bed at night, but I don't want to take on too much at one time. I think working on the naps and nursing is a good start for the first week.
Today I realized how hard it is to find balance in all of this. As Moms we have to attend to the needs of all of our children separately, our husbands, ourselves and our extended family and friends. Not only that we are expected to work out, look good, cook great meals, work, have hobbies, be interesting people, be great parents, get the laundry done, keep the house clean, etc. I could go on and on.
It's amazes me how much pressure I feel sometimes. I never thought it would be this hard. Anyway hopefully all this hard work and effort to get Cameron on a schedule will pay off and I can get some sleep.
Today I put Cameron on the floor for some tummy time and Matthew on his own brought him a bunch of toys to play with. He is such a good big brother, I was so surprised and pleased that he was so loving to his little baby brother.
Anyway that's my rant for the day, thanks for reading.
I completely understand how you were "getting by" for the last few months. I did that with my youngest. I had two young kids (one with undiagnosed autism) and an infant and just had to search for what was easiest at the moment, not finding a long-term solution to whatever issues cropped up. I nursed her whenever she cried, slept with her in my bed so I didn't have to get up over and over all night, let her sleep wherever she'd sleep the longest (vibrating bouncy for us) and was fairly neglectful to my dh while I tried to do whatever I could for my dks.
I think you've come to a realization that, while you're getting by for now, you're not setting things up to be easier in the future and are making some great changes for the better. Take it slow and remember that this is going to be new (and tough!) for the first little bit while everyone adjusts.
And...I absolutely, 100% agree that there is SO much pressure to do everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, perfectly. We have to be mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, friends, volunteers, chaperones and taxi drivers, hostesses and gym rats, chefs and organizers. We can't do it all perfectly all the time. Take some time to figure out what is top priority to you, talk it over with your dh and try to let the least important things go. It's the only way to keep your sanity.
I also completely understand what your saying. When I have friends that are having their first children, I have always told them that they shouldn't start anything they don't want to do for years. While it might be easier at that moment in time, it will be 10 times harder to stop it in the future. I think that was the best advice I ever got while I was expecting. I won't say that I didn't have a few bad habits that needed broken, but the big ones like sleeping alone in her bed and feeding, I didn't bend on. You will get a schedule all straightened out!!
I hope you get some sleep Heaven. It sounds like you're a great Mom!
>>"Today I realized how hard it is to find balance in all of this. As Moms we have to attend to the needs of all of our children separately, our husbands, ourselves and our extended family and friends. Not only that we are expected to work out, look good, cook great meals, work, have hobbies, be interesting people, be great parents, get the laundry done, keep the house clean, etc. I could go on and on. "<<<
Oh Heaven I think this all the time!!! It's so hard to be a woman in general IMO. Men are expected to work, that's their basic expectation, but we are expected to do it all and do it well.
I can totally relate. I'm glad you're changing things a little and getting some more sleep!!
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