"Jerk!" "Idiot!" "Moron!" "I hate you!!!" Man, oh MAN it's been a fun afternoon! lol Maybe this school break's been a little too long. The boys are REALLY getting on each other's nerves. I went downstairs a little while ago because that's what I was hearing coming from down there and I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't like listening to it and I don't like them saying it to each other for more than a minute or two. Robin's grounded from a specific video game because he gets too frustrated when he can't get past a certain level. So Randy was trying to do it and couldn't and Robin was screaming at him. Randy was in tears, but being just as nasty back. I made him turn the game off and sent them both to their rooms to calm down. I've been trying very hard this past week to curb the yelling in my house. We're all yellers and I don't like it. I've told the kids I'd like it to stop and I'll remind them and they can remind me. I have to say, it's a lot easier to stay calm when I'm not yelling! A pleasant effect I wasn't expecting. They also don't get as worked up. I know it's not going to happen over night (especially since dh isn't on board with it--"It's my house--I'll yell if I want to" mentality). Eight or nine years of being yellers will take a while to "fix". I'm hoping it will be worth it though.

Just wanting to vent a bit. At least my blood pressure's not up and this isn't an "ARGH!!!" moment! lol I can actually post this with a smile and being calm! Thanx for listening.

By Pamt on Wednesday, January 4, 2006 - 06:38 pm:

My DH is not a yeller at all and comes from a quiet household. They just enjoy being together without necessarily saying anything. We didn't yell often in my house (sometimes though) growing up, but we were very loud talkers. Our house is pretty loud now too and it drives DH crazy at times. DH and I have never yelled at each other, but I do yell at the kids on occasion. I hate it! When they start yelling at each other, DH always says, "You are not allowed to yell at someone I love while you live in this house." I try to remember that for myself when I want to yell at the kids. I've gotten much better at "talking very firmly." It is a tough habit to break.

By Debbie on Thursday, January 5, 2006 - 10:30 am:

Cat, dh used to be a yeller and it drove me nuts! It just made things worse too. The boys would get even more out of control when he started yelling. A few years ago he made a big effort to stop. It took him several months, but now he rarely yells. If he does the boys run because they know they are in big trouble. I would have to say once he stopped yelling, the boys followed(they were starting to yell too). Our house is very calm now(most of the time ).

By Debbie on Thursday, January 5, 2006 - 10:32 am:

Oh, and about the sibling rivalry, I have two boys that are close in age, like yours. It totally drives me crazy some days. They have this thing about being 1st, who is first in the shower, who gets in the car first, I could go on and on.....

By Cat on Thursday, January 5, 2006 - 11:00 am:

Pam, I remember my dad yelling at my brothers, but can't ever remember him yelling at me. I can really only think of one time my mom yelled (again, it was at my brothers). I do remember my brothers and I yelling at each other, though! lol Must have been a sibling thing. I don't know if dh came from a yelling household, but he did come from an abusive one. He's never told me that, but his sisters have. His dad was an alcoholic and from what they've told me (sils) dh's older brother took most of the abuse for him (dh was the youngest--his brother was 9 years older and his sisters 12 and 14). I think by the time dh's brother moved out (dh would have been about 9yo) his dad pretty much left dh alone (major latchkey kid). Dh had a very unique childhood. He's basically had to learn how to parent as we've gone along. He's still learning, but has made great improvements over the past year or so.

Debbie, I kwym about the kids following. Mine did that last night! They were playing a video game (again--that game may have to "go away" for a while) and getting upset. I went down and talked ot them and they calmed down for about 1/2 hour. Then they started to get upset again and dh went down this time. Next thing I know dh and Robin are having a shouting match. The kids have really learned to tune dh out when he yells. They have with me too, but not as much. Another reason I'd like the yelling to stop.

I've been doing some research online about parents yelling at their children, the effects (like the tuning out) and ways to try to stop it. One tip I read was to look at yourself in the mirror when you yell. Ouch! I don't even have to do that--I can just imagine what I'd look like. Once I mentioned to a friend (that never sees me with my kids--girl at Curves) that I'd yelled at the boys and she said something to the effect of she couldn't imagine me yelling at anyone, let alone my children. I really am usually a very calm person. Robin's therapist has asked me about that. I told him yes, I usually am pretty calm and it takes a lot for me to "lose it". I said I'll usually "blow" and then I get over it very quickly. Dh on the other hand blows frequently and hold grudges for quite some time. We really need to reach a happy medium. I also plan to talk to dh sometime this week about ALL of us getting in on this. I'd love to have a calm household. I know there will be times when we will still yell at the boys, but I'd like those times to be important things that need that extra special kick. You kwim? Like when parents spank very young children only for extreme things--like running into the street. One day at a time...

By Karen~moderator on Thursday, January 5, 2006 - 11:10 am:

I was raised in a *yelling* household. When I was first married to my X and had Jules and Jason with us, I was a yeller. He came from a very quiet household. I didn't even realize it, until X pointed it out to me. He told me it frightened them and it was unnecessary on my part. Wasn't intentional, was just *learned* behavior, and the norm for me at that time.

Fast forward 10 years - I was divorced and a single parent, which brought its own stresses. Before I knew it, I was acting and reacting the same way my mom had, yelling, and yes, screaming on occasion. One morning as we were trying to get out of the house, bordering on late (as usual), I was yelling at Jen and looked down and saw this terrified little face, with eyes so big and filling up with tears. It broke my heart and I hated myself for it. I was going through *female* problems as well and it was like I was this yelling maniac, looking in from the outside. Stopped me dead in my tracks. I made a conscious effort to stop the yelling.

I'm not saying it happened overnight, because it certainly didn't. And there were *relapses*. But I rarely yell now. And my X said something last year, when Jen and I had an awful fight and there was a lot of yelling and crying - *when both people are yelling, no one is hearing anything*. I HATE for him to be right, but in this case he was! LOL And it's true that when there's a lot of yelling going on, it just upsets everyone involved that much more. When you've got 2 kids fighting and yelling at each other, and Mom or Dad joins in, it's just a recipe for disaster. Most of the time, nothing gets resolved that way. Too bad it took me so long to learn that! LOL

By Cat on Thursday, January 5, 2006 - 05:34 pm:

Karen, I know it won't happen over night. I've heard it takes three weeks to make/break a habit. We'll see.