Ready to strangle my teen...
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Ready to strangle my teen...
MY GOSH! He's well to be honest ••••••• me off!
EVERYTIME I ask him to do something now he says "I do it ALL the time" then I say fine then nevermind I'll do it myself and he says "It's ok I'll do it!" IT happened again today when I asked him to go and pick up his brother and sister for me. He said all that so I went to do it myself...he got all whiny, went skulking off upstairs because I was going on my own. THEN I come home and he's playing video games. Nevermind the chore chart that says he's supposed to put the dishes and his laundry away! I have to admit I just yelled at him to shut it off 
I don't know what to do anymore....*sighs*
ooohhhhh I got red dots! lol oops! sorry
You're not allowed to stangle them though. LOL
It's against the law.
BTDT, got the gray hair. I think it comes with the testosterone development or something. No good suggestions. Just hugs and know that you're not alone.
I'm not there yet, so no good suggestions from me! I do know I'm dreading it already! Good luck.
LOL Imamommy! I know. I meant it figuritively.
My boyfriend says "Spend more one on one time with him" I'm like ok...So I'm going to try to schedule more time for just me and him then we already do and see if it makes a difference.
My sarcasm would lend itself to opening my mouth and just respond with the word "THANKS!" with a smile. Not even recognizing his whining.
Your boyfriend has a good idea though. At that age, everything is revolved around them in their eyes, so spending some time together like that would mean that you aren't taking from the "drinking well" all of the time. (Or, what seems like all of the time to him. Kids don't realize how much you do for them...it's amazing.)
And, maybe have him choose what chores he's going to do to make him feel he's in control. Set up a list of things to do around the house and have the kids take turns at the table picking them. Do this once a month so their chores don't seem so monotonous. (Some things are more "manly" so you might want to earmark some of them for him only.)
And, have them set up the punishments for not doing them and have them approved through you.
You work hard enough, girl. But, yes, even teens need to feel appreciated even though we tell them over and over and over.... 
And, yes, you can strangle them...just don't leave any marks...LOL
First, Catherin, you're starting a bit late, unless your son, like my middle son, was a no-problem child until the past several months - and you have been going through some major changes in your life, which can inspire some appalling behavior in children, especiall teens.
Which chores he does is negotiable; privileges are negotiable. Respectful behavior is NOT negotiable.
Why do I have to do it? Because I, your mother, told you to do it, and I don't want any backtalk or discussion about it. No, you don't say Oh well,then, I'll do it myself. You say - look, here's how things are going to be around here from now on. When I ask or tell you to do something, you either do it - without comments or sarcasm or backtalk - or you discuss with me, calmly, your solid reasons why you shouldn't have to do it at this time. But understand, (a) my decision is final and (b) when you give me backtalk or sarcasm or smart-mouth stuff, you will lose a privilege. Every time.
My house, my rules. You don't have to like the rules, you don't even have to like me. But you have to behave respectfully towards me. Period.
Missed chores - loss of privilege. Disrespectful back-chat, loss of privilege. Doing all chores on time and without argument, and behaving respectfully when I ask you to do something - more privileges.
I've raised three of them - boys, that is. You can get into a real power struggle with them (and with daughters, too, I suspect, but I don't have that experience) if you play by their rules. But you make the rules. That's what parenting is. Your son needs to learn that in real life, actions or inactions have consequences. In the "real" world, if you fail to do your work in a timely manner, you get fired. If you backtalk to the boss, you get fired. Better that he learns now when the consequences are the loss of privileges.
Don't get into an argument with him. If he wants to discuss some issue calmly and without anger, OK, but not on a "you never" and "I always" basis. If he wants to negotiate around a particular matter, OK, but negotiating means each person gets something out of it, so if he wants to not have to do something, what does he offer in exchange?
He is your oldest, and how you handle him is going to set the tone for your other children. Better to fight this battle now and win, than have to fight it two more times. You will still have to fight it a bit with the other children, but if they have an example from their brother that they can't really win, it will be less difficult.
I have truly been there, done that, Catherin. You can love your children and be a loving and caring mother and still set the rules.
The line I used with my children when they said "why do I have to?" or "why can't I?", was simply - because I'm a mean mother. It was a real argument stopper - they could either agree with me, but because I'd already said it there was no sting, or they could disagree and assert that I wasn't mean, but then they had no leverage to not do what they had been told to do (or what they could not do).
My middle son, who was a "perfect" child until 7th grade, gave me the most arguments and flack in his teen years, and for a while we went round and round until I realized that I couldn't win any argument because he wasn't an adult and didn't "play" by adult rules. About 5 years ago I reminded him that when he was in high school, I had grounded him for a month because he had been caught smoking on school grounds. I was a working mom, and he was home 3 hours or more before I was. I asked him why he didn't simply not go along with the grounding when I wasn't home to enforce it. His response was, "I didn't know I could." Which I think is rather telling.
I firmly, firmly believe that a major role for a parent is to help your children learn that what you do has consequences - and learn it when they are kids and the consequences won't shatter their lives. Otherwise, when they get out in the real world they don't know how to behave and can suffer some awful consequences - and may come back and say "why didn't you tell me?" (It's always the mom's fault, you know.)
Yup Ginny I have to say, he's not been a problem like this until recently. That's why I think it's the teen years thing kicking in.
You of course have had some great advice again and I'll have to try it along with spending more time with him on a one to one level!
I did give them a choice on chores, the ones they have on the chore list are their "choices" and it's still a fight *sigh*
I'm going to work on what Ginny has said and see how that goes!
I've dealt with teens for the past 10 years as a teacher. Ginny's right. There IS no argument. It is what it is and punishment for whining is perfectly acceptable.
Oh yes, Catherin - you are now in the stage of "you're not the boss of me" and "I'm not a kid anymore so don't tell me what to do" and "you think you know everything but you don't". It is a major power struggle and testing time. Think of the terrible twos, but in a teenage body and mind.
A couple of things you need to make very, very, very clear. One - taller is not bigger. This is very important to establish with sons (especially as I'm only 5'2"). Second - as long as you live in my house, it is my rules.
And third - yes, he can disagree with you and discuss with you - as long as he does it respectfully and picks a good time. For example, when the two younger kids need to be picked up from school within the next 15 minutes and you are in the middle of something really important, this is not the time to raise the question of whether he should have to pick up his younger sibs from school. (I suggest that there may be an "image" issue there.)
{{{{{Catherin}}}}} Ginny, as always has great advise. I totally agree with what she said in her first post, third paragraph (sorry, for some reason I can't copy and paste!). We're really trying to do that with Robin right now. Consistancy is huge. Instead of saying, "Never mind, I'll do it" or in our case it was, "Fine, do what you want", we stick to our guns. It took a talk with Robin's therapist to get that through to dh, but it's working. He doesn't argue as much when he knows he won't win. If he thinks there's even one chance in 100 that he will win, he'll play that lottery. As you can see in my other post about him wanting to change his name, it's not always easy! As a matter of fact, he was just sent to his room because I asked him if he'd finished his grammar lesson. He didn't answer so when I asked him again he said, "I'm not going to answer you until you call me Zack." Well, sorry. Not an option. He got the choice of finishing his work or going to his room and he chose to go to his room. HE'll still have to finish his grammar later (and the rest of his work he'll miss while down there) but the little bugger didn't get what he wanted. I'd suggest (if I may ) next time if you really need him to do something like pick up his younger brother and sister, tell him, "I need you to do this for me." If he complains tell him, sorry, not a request--I need it done. If you're going to give him an oppertunity to say no than phrase it that way--"Could you do this for me?" Then it is a request that he can either do or not do. Does that make sense? Just follow through either way. Boy, we're in for it, aren't we? lol Hugs, Hon.
I should warn you, Catherin, that it is not going to be easy at first to change the way you and your ds are interacting. Right now he is making the rules, and he rather likes it. After all, he gets to play video games instead of having to go pick up his sibs from school. If he doesn't want to do a chore, he grouses and gripes and gets away with not having to do it - and I haven't heard you describe any consequences other than making him do what he was already supposed to do. Consequences, in my terms, means you have to do what you were supposed to do, AND, you lose a privilege because you didn't do it when you were supposed to, deliberately didn't do it right, or gave me a hard time about doing it. From his point of view, the new rules won't be anywhere near as much fun as the rules he is playing by, and he will lose the control he has been developing. So you will probably get some arguments and tears and "I hate you"s from him. Don't argue back - that allows him to make the rules of how you interact. Just keep your cool, repeat what you said in the first place, and go on with whatever you intended to do next, making it clear that this discussion is over and done with. Most kids will test a few times (or more than a few), but when they find that the testing is costly, will learn to live with the new rules. And most kids do prefer to have the parent in charge and making the decisions. They know they aren't ready to make the decisions, and would really prefer a clear set of rules, even if it means they don't get away with as much. It is much more secure to know how things are supposed to be and live within a consistent framework. I suspect that he knows he is getting away with stuff he shouldn't be getting away with, and while that won't make him stop on his own, I would bet he isn't really comfortable with it.
Cat is right - you need to be clear on when he has no choice and when he has choices.
I won't tell you that it is going to be fun at first, because it isn't. And you will lie in bed after everyone else is asleep, wondering if you really are a mean mother and if your son really hates you. I can only tell you what I've said before - after each of my sons had been out of the house for a year or two, each came back and thanked me for demanding behavioral standards, because they got along in the world much better and easier than their friends, who hadn't had the same "mean mother" rules. And once my middle boy and I worked out that we would not discuss (argue) things when either of us was angry, but would take a time out and discuss it when both of us were cooler, life calmed down a whole lot for both of us.
Oh, there were still issues, and there will be. He is growing up, and one of the ways he measures whether he is "growing up" is by testing and pushing the boundaries. And he will see that friends don't have the same boundaries and rules, and will try to get you to be like the other parents ... "none of the other kids" - you know how that goes.
It is a lot of hard work to raise children with expectations of good behavior, rule following, and cooperative attitudes and actions. You get a lot of argument and resentment for a time, and you have to work at being consistent and following through on your rules and promises of consequences, even though you know it will cause discussion. It is much easier to give in and let them have things the way they want them. But when you do that, you don't do your child any favor, and in the long run it is much more costly and sometimes heart-breaking.
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