School troubles with my 13 year old son
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I am at my wits end. My 13 year old son is asperger as well as adhd. He is in 7th grade and is barely passing. I don't understand, last year he was on honor roll and this year is a complete turn around. He is very disruptive in his classes and the teachers don't know what to do. At first they seemed very concerned, now they are to the point that he is taking too much of their time and energy and want to just give up. My son is very smart and in advanced classes but he says things that are inappropriate and causes his classmates to shy away. He does see a therapist as well as is on concerta. Any suggestions? I am in tears because of this situation.
oh honey, I FEEL for you !!! I have a 15yr old, who is "trying" at best .....
After having been through many MANY issues, he is now at a private high school (we still owe the school money, but they're allowing him to attend and where we're going to get the balance, I'm not sure, but I cannot worry about that today ... )
Anyway, to give you background, my Ds has been diagnosed with multiple issues, not aspergers, (nor does he do very well in school) but ADHD, and/or oppositional defiance (oh yeah, we're there !) and/or bipolar, etc .... the problem is that these things were not caught early, and everyone we go see has a differing opinion, but the bottom line is that he refuses to take the meds anyway, he's 4 inches taller than me, 30lbs heavier and I cannot force him to do anything .... so we (meaning those of us around him!) just have to muddle through and do the best we can with whatever problem arises.
Ok, now you have background ..... I can say (and I continue to support and tell friends who find teachers who aren't continuously helpful the same thing, in fact, just this week !) that you have to keep plugging along.
IF a teacher seems to have conked out in the 'helpfullness' or 'understanding' department, dont' you conk out. Sometimes I think they try to outlast us parents, eventually we'll give up and let them off the hook, DO NOT DO IT !
Stay in touch with the guidance department, weekly, daily if you have to. Do you have a guidance counselor assigned to your child's grade level ? Is he in public school, if so do they offer tutoring for children "at risk" ?
The important thing is to NOT lost hope, do NOT give up, do NOT let the school off the hook .... keep on after them. If you get nowhere, KEEP ON, go in a different direction, talk to somebody else. If you get nowhere at the school level, talk to somebody at the school district office. I've found that if I go into a conversation (in which I'm requesting help and I have an idea of which direction I want the help to come from) asking for help, OPENLY, not demanding and just explaining that I need help and don't know in which direction to turn. Make sure you don't run down anyone, or name the names (unless asked specifically if you've spoken to so-and-so)to make sure you don't offend anyone and you're not right off the bat being "a problem parent", but sometimes you have to keep at it until you get what you want. In my opinion it is in HOW you "keep at it" that determines what level of assistance you receive.
Just don't forget you are your child's BEST advocate, sometimes his ONLY advocate and you will be until you die, it's not a Job, it's a Calling !
You're doing the right thing, don't lose the faith, keep on keeping on and come here for support when you get low about the whole thing.
Wow, that was pretty long, sorry about that, I tend to ramble !
Thank you so much for your support. I just feel like the teachers have given up and don't want to deal anymore. But I am going to keep on them and not give them an out. I am here to support them and they need to support me as well. Right???
Hi Kidcrazie,
Do you have an IEP (Individualized Education Plan). Its required by the federal government for any child diagnosed with special needs. You might want to consider having the district appoint a para. It helped my son when he entered 9th grade with similar issues. You'd need to have an outside expert write a recommendation. I don't know how far you are from Dartmouth or a couple of the University based medical centers in Boston. They might have resources that could support your case. Harlena is so right - do not give up. You are his only true advocate.
Resources for Children with Special Needs in New York City may be able to make suggestions for strategies, resources and legal support even though they aren't near you. They help thousands of parents every year and their on your side.
You definitely have at least 2 more of us in your corner - keep sharing.
Linda
EXCELLENT advice Linda ....
Start calling around next week (when offices will be open again) and see where you need to go and who you need to talk to !
Linda is right, you definitely have two more of us in your corner.
Let us know what "they" say !
That does sound like the answer. Hugs.
Miri, I just want to let you know that I can relate to your school troubles with your ds. I have a ten-year old grandson with Aspergers. He had not had any major issues this school year until this week. Now I know that my definition of "major" is different from the teachers. I don't want to highjack your thread by going into too much detail about my dgs, but I would just like to empathize with you. I think that it can sometimes be a disadvantage for Aspergers children to be academically gifted. Much more is expected of them from a behavioral standpoint just because of their high i.q.'s when the truth is that they are no more able to control their behaviors than are less academically gifted children.
Joan,
I was hoping you'd weigh in here and share your experience. I love the comment about your definition of "major" being different from the teachers. Some of our children march to a different drummer and our job is to remain true to who they are while helping them to bridge to the rest of the world.
Especially when our children with learning differences are bright, teachers see any unusual behavior or lack of understanding as disobedience, lack of cooperation, laziness or insubordination. Its very threatening to an inexperienced or untrained teacher. Many even question the existence of such disabilities despite overwhelming medical and scientific evidence.
Kidcrazie, you are so on target and your instincts are great, but it feels very lonely. Support groups in person, on-line or on the phone are so helpful. So glad you're here.
Good teachers are willing to learn but then we need a strategy with which to teach them. The advocacy organizations for asperger's, ADHD, bi-polar disorder and many other learning differences and disabilities have packets of info and CD's you can hand the teacher, the guidance office and most important the principal. You may even need to give info to a para, teacher's assistant, resource room teacher, school social worker, school psychologist or a pediatrician or even a psychiatrist. Unfortunately no one is well educated with these disorders because we decentralize the medical, behavioral/mental health and educational training in this country for these issues. Also so many issues were not diagnosed or treated in children until the last 10-15 years long after many teachers were trained.
Every state is supposed to have a dedicated office for services to all persons with developmental delays, asperger's and autism. They are legally obligated under federal law even separate from your local school system or board of ed to give you many more services and money for tutoring, respite, therapeutic rec/afterschool programs, transportation $ to services, mental health services etc. than comes with many other disabilities. I always am grateful for the people who came before and advocated for our children.
Go for it!!!!!
Linda
I just thought of it last night. Did you take him to the doctor?
I was thinking maybe his hormones or something else are causing this problem? I was wondering about the link because he was doing so well last year.
great info Linda ..... thank you sharing that with us !
Thank you everyone for your suggestions and your support. We went to see his therapist yesterday and I brought the emails from his teachers with me. She felt that they were very negative. She gave me some ideas of what to ask them and ideas of things to suggest to them. I am going to email them tomorrow and ask them what things they have tried as well as to try to journal and see if there are different times during the day when things are worse then others. We will be meeting again next Saturday to brainstorm to see what we can do to help him and what to have the teachers do to help him. I am also going to see what options there are for him like smaller classes or having a para with him.
I'll keep you all informed.
awesome ....
You REALLY know you're not alone now ..... so you're moving in the right direction WITH SUPPORT !!!
That's fantastic, it's SO difficult when you feel like you're taking on the entire school system all by yourself, but you had affirmation from a professional who gave you direction ..... YEAH !!!
Hi Kidcrazie,
How did the meeting go today. Was there good feedback?
Looking forward to hearing how things went.
Linda
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back. I don't check this site very often. I did have the appt with the psychologist on Sat and she is very supportive. Unfortunately, I did not have alot of feedback from the teachers of examples of my son's behavior. The teachers have kind of given my son a quiet room to be in and "regroup". He is being taught individaully for the time being so he can get his grades back up which is a priority and then he will be put back in class and social issues will be worked on. He will prob be moved to a different class with a girl in our neighborhood which he says that he would like.It just is very frustrating because he really is a good boy, he just says what he is thinking which is often innapropriate. He may say something that others would take as racial but he doesn't mean it that way. He is very naive and doesn't understand alot of rights and wrongs. We will be asking for a team meeting soon with his teachers to see what the plans are. I do not want him alone for very long (kind of defeats the purpose of being in school with others). Anyway, I will keep you informed.
sorry things aren't working out better for your little guy right now, but at least there's a plan and something in the future for him to look forward to (in class with that little girl). just remember you are his best advocate and stay on top of things yourself, don't let it get you down !
He should be able to learn social stuff. There should be a social drill computer game. Like for the multipation table.
Hey I could use it myself!
I wanted to give everyone an update to what was going on. I met with my son's teachers on Friday and I brought a list of ideas to help him be successful.
Unfortunately, my ideas weren't received very openly. I discussed the option of a para with him and the response was "that won't change his behavior". I mentioned a skills group for him with kids that are similar to him and the response was "we've talked about that before", I mentioned a system that would let Josh know that he was acting improperly like holding up a red flash card since he can't read facial cues and recieved the response of "we're not always at our desk and we can't carry a card around". and so on and so on. We did start him on a new medication this weekend and hope that it will help but the teachers have to understand that the medication is a tool to help him and not a miracle answer. I asked them to give me a weekly list of his homework so I can follow thru with him at home(because he tells me he already did all his work and I have no way of knowing if this is true or not) and they said they couldn't because their work changes day to day so it wasn't possible. So as you can tell, it was not as successful as I had hoped. There were a couple of things that were positive, I did not cry which I do tend to do because you are talking about my son and anything that gets said pains my heart. and 2, I did get him out of his tutorial class and into a tech ed class because the tutorial was not working and he was just resentful to that teacher for telling him to do this and do that. As of Friday, he is back in regular classes instead of alone with the teachers. He was alone for 2 weeks and that did not help his social skills, it just made him hate school and be angry. So, today starts a new week, he is on his new medication, back in his usual classes and our fingers are crossed for success........
Hi Kidcrazie,
Thanks for checking in. I wondered what had happened. Was this an Individualized Education Planning meeting with a parent advocate present (mandated by Federal law). Those "teacher" meetings are the hardest to take -especially if the teacher is dugin.
The IEP route almost always yields better results and if not there is a federally monitored appeal process. Free local legal services will usually help to get what you need if that fails. Above all you and your son deserve better.
I know I sound militant (maybe it should be on the kitchen table discussions) but its a civil rights issue for our children who are ill or neurologically different - the true right to a full life and liberty and a fair shot at the pursuit of happiness. You've tried playing fair - even bent over backwards to include this teacher without a mandate but your child deserves better than she can't be bothered or social isolation.
The meeting was with his 5 core teachers, the spec ed teacher, the school psychologist and the asst principal.
I am not sure what state you are in. But simply you were bullied. You have rights. Your child needs a behavior plan. Call your district special ed department and ask if they have an autism team or a parent liason. Explain to them you have a child with aspergers that is having behavior issues and you need help with him. Did you have an "ARD" meeting or an "IEP" meeting? If so at the end of this you have to sign everything. If you don't agree, don't sign.
I am also going to add. My youngest (5th grade) has aspergers, so I know what you are going through. But having 2 other kids older I am also learning 7th grade is a tough year. My good kid, is struggling with behavior too. So i think it is very realistic for them to out grow meds. I think trying a new med is a great choice. Good luck.
I was given a number for parents information center. they give free advice and advocate for the children. I am going to give them a call and see what they have to say. I am not done "standing up for" my son.
how's it going Kidcrazie ? Any good news to share with us ? Did you get anywhere with the advocacy program at the Parent's information center ?
Just thought I'd check in for an update girlie !
I have started the ball rolling but not much has happened yet. I did meet with an advocate and did submit a letter to the school asking for a functional behavior assessment. once it is done (hopefully soon) we will meet and discuss a positive behavior plan for my son. he gets so much negative feedback there, it will be nice for him to get some positive. i just hope that his teachers go along with it. they have really been dragging their feet on helping him. its already so late in the year that i don't know if it will really benefit him this year but i want to make sure that it is all set up for his next year's IEP.
Thanks for asking Harlena. I'll keep you guys posted.
Hi Kidcrazie so glad Harlena put out a shout to you. I've been distracted also but I was thinking of you the other day - wondering how it was going. Its so great that you're just taking the next right action. So much of that is building a foundation to get future help. There are grants to help kids in areas where the services are just not available but you need the paper trail. Wonder if there is a camp near you that could help. Summit Camp is a great special needs camp. They do scholarships and local school districts of special needs kids often pay for it instead of summer school because they don't really have the appropriate special needs summer schools. Need that testing, neurological and LD assessment.
Special needs summer camp for LD kids is so affirming and builds self esteem. Applications are in about now. Check it out.
I thought I would write with an update. I emailed the teachers last week to get an update on behavior and academics and was told that he is basically flunking every class that he has bc he is not doing his work. I spent friday afternoon in tears because of this because I was so angry with the teachers as well as my son. I am angry with the teachers because when we had our meeting in the beginning of Feb. I asked them to send home a list of homework assignments that my son had so I could monitor from home and they all said that they could not. And I was angry with my son for lying to me because every day I would ask him if he had homework he would say that he did it at school. The teachers solution was to email them on fridays and they would tell me what work he missed and he could make it up on the weekend. that does not work for me. If he has something due on a Wed. I would like to know about it ahead of time so he can have it done and pass it in on Wed. The term closed on Friday so there is nothing that we can do for this trimester but we are going to change things for next trimester.
Anyway, we have a team meeting next Thurs morning and the advocate is going to join us for the meeting so hopefully they will listen to our needs and comply with them.
Fingers are crossed!
hiya !
WELL ..... I am feeling your frustration, I've been there AND I have a friend who is currently going through something very similiar. And for my friend, it took awhile to even get the "Friday teacher check-up" thing going .... I'm glad you have the meeting coming up (in a couple of days it looks like !) Please make sure to let us know how it goes on Thursday. Personally I've had a lot going on, so I haven't been on here as often as I would like to, but hopefully that's changing an I'll make sure to check in by the weekend anyway.
A couple of ideas to keep for you ......
** now my child is older, but he had a planner (through the school, they used to give one to every child) and I had it where HE put down a)what he did that day in that class and b) what his homework was for that day, as well as any upcoming long-term projects/ assignments/ tests/ whatever and then c) the teacher signe to sign off on it. This way you are putting the responsibility on the child but you are also holding the teacher accoutable and getting the teacher to accept some responsibility to check and make sure that the child has everything correct. Any chance of something like this ? This way you are staying AHEAD of the game and not finding out after-the-fact that your child missed something. Also, if the school doesn't provide the planner, you can purchase it yourself. They're on clearance everywhere at this time of year (just bought a calendar for $2 at WalMart this week myself !)
** as for the "lying", yeah I know .... I'm there with you ... my child would just as soon lie to me as tell me the sky is blue ..... I don't understand it myself, but I think it's a maturity issue (part of growing up is accepting responsibility for your actions as well as owning up to your mistakes) bt I know many 35 year olds who have yet to achieve that level of maturity ..... also I think that there is something else going on ... my child "forgets" things all the time ..... yes, he'll lie and say he already did the homework OR that he has none (remember he's 15, I've been battling this a LONG time !) but he'll also forget to even put his name on his homework, he'll do it, but then not turn it in, or lose it, or any number of things (I know this for a fact, not just an excuse here .... he once had 5 homework assignments in the "no name file" .... that's CRAZY ! but it happens all the time !) ..... so I think there may be something going on here other than just "lying for the sake of lying" although I don't know what it is. It's a symptom of SO many disorders .....
Go into this meeting POSITIVE ... and not accusatory, you don't want to put the school on the defensive, you want to show that you are all on the same side, and you are willing to go above and beyond the norm in this situation. Also, let them know you're not one of these people who think your child can do no wrong, or that it's all their fault. I've found that if I go into a situation knowing what I want the outcome to be and just lay it out there "bottom-line the situation" as I call it, and just ask them what do I need to do get from where we're at to here I think we need to be ..... it cuts out a lot of BS, and blaming, and all that other jazz that is very unproductive and quite frankly wastes everyone's time.
Just a couple of ideas for you .... let us know how it goes, and if you need any other ideas/suport/resources prior to the meeting. Let me know what time the meeting is, I'll make sure to say a special prayer for you during that time too !!!
:}
Hi Kidcrazie,
The accountability book with teacher helps me get a heads up sooner - doesn't necessarily get the work done but at least I'm aware. She initials my son's at the end of every day to indicate that this is all the work he needs to do for that day. The stuff he's not completed goes in a folder I keep until something gets done. I also write her regular notes making sure we're on the same weekly page. If you can pick him up from school or drop him off so your face is visible and you can have more casual chit chat with parents, teachers and admion people it helps incredibly. You start to cultivate a casual unofficial lateral world of advocates for your child because you are standing in the gap. Has helped me this year when the classroom itself was a hostile place. He knew someone cared in the school.
We also have had as many as 5 or 6 papers that got stuck in his desk and never turned in - don't ask me how??????? I always say oblivion is an amazing place to live - unfortunately kids spend quite a bit of time there.
I will be praying for Thursday - you're not alone. Also don't go alone - bring a witness (anyone will do).
A fellow work in progress.
Linda
Thanks for the advice. It really helps to know that people are there that listen and understand. Our meeting is next Thursday and my husband, the advocate and I are all going. My son does have an agenda that the school provides and the teachers will sign it if he brings it to them but they will not ask him for it to sign. He did really well on Mon and Tues and forgot by today to have it signed. I am going to give him a sticky note to put on his desk so he remembers as he's packing up at the end of class to have it signed. He has had a good week so far this week and I did email the teachers to let them know that he said he was doing better and was completing his work and the teachers have been more positive towards him. I too feel it is important to let teachers know when they are doing something "right" and not just critizing for them doing something "wrong".
I will write again after the meeting next week to let you guys know how it went.
Thanks.
I had my meeting yesterday. I felt empowered just to have the advocate there with me. I want to make sure that the teachers know that I will do whatever it takes for my son to be treated as he deserves as well as accomplish all that is expected in 7th grade. The meeting actually went pretty well. I left there feeling more positive than I have after any other meeting. The school psychologist did the behavior assessment to figure out when my son does what he does and for signs for the teachers to know when he might be frustrated or angry. They set a positive behavior plan in motion. So if he may blurt something out that is inappropriate (because he is asperger and adhd and is very impulsive) he will be sent to the guidance office to talk it over instead of sent to the office and automatically in trouble. We will also continue to have his agenda signed by his teachers so I can monitor his homework and progress on a daily basis. And the emails every other week will continue so I can get updates on behavior issues. All in all, I felt pretty good but for some reason in the back of my head I am afraid the teachers will not be able to remain positive for long because they have been dealing with this for 7 months and are short fused by this point. Fingers are crossed!
Just some quick advice on getting the agenda signed. My ds had a terrible problem in middle school remembering to turn in his homework. The teachers wouldn't ask for it, there was just a bin. I finally bought him a watch with 7 alarms on it. It beeped in each class (quietly) as a reminder to turn in homework. It worked great for him.
good luck with your son.
Hi Kidcrazie and Colette,
Wow -first off Colette the watch idea is genius.
Kidcrazie - congratulations on a meeting well spent -enjoy the current victory!!! I understand the what if's with the teachers. Really they're just a means for you to develop some tools for success for the rest of your special child's education. I honestly think there is a learning curve for us as special needs parents. When everyone else is thinking linearly in the current school year we have our eyes on the bigger prize of a lifetime of positive learning and coping skills for our wonderful children.
What's he doing in the summer - are there special needs camps with an ongoing learning component. We have loved Summit in Massachusetts but there are many others. A number of them also help gear kids towards colleges or highschools that acknowledge neurological and learning differences. There again its future looking while having fun in the present and being accepted by peers and staff.
Hope to hear more.
Linda
Any 'new' news Kidcrazie ? I was glad to read of some postive things earlier in the month. Hopefully that hasn't slowed down to a stop ..... LOVE the watch/alarm idea .... I should use it with my 15 yr old (who just has normal "can't be bothered because I'm a teen-ager and so cool" issues, another story !)
I LOVE to hear updates. I've been thinking about you so much, like to know how it's going now that you've had this plan in action for a few weeks.
:}
~h
Kidcrazie,
It is hard to believe there are less than 7 weeks left to this school year. I echo "harlena". Let us know how it's going.
Linda
Kidcrazie,
How's the summer going. What are you doing for the fall. I alternate between a return to the same old, same old and homeschooling.
Check-in when you have a second to breathe.
LInda
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